Don't count your chickens

Normalizing

2012-01-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

Life is returning to normal. Titus is sort of sleeping through the night. As much as a 9lb 2 month old can. He goes down at 11:30 and sleeps until 5am quick feed and back to sleep until 8. So I am sleeping too. The anxiety is mostly gone.

Lets see, since my last post I finally saw the OB for a post partum checkup. She said everything looks good. We discussed birth control, which just seems silly. She assured me that she has seen lots of less than fertile women become pregnant quickly after giving birth. I dont even want to think about that. Besides, to become pregnant you need to have sex. That has not taken place for 10 months or more. Hopefully that will normalize in the next month or two as well.

Titus had his 2 month appointment. He is itty bitty. Just 8 lbs 10 oz at 9 weeks. and 21 inches. This puts him below the 2nd percentile. He is taking 4oz of formula every 3 hours except during his longer night stretch. He wiggles a lot when he is awake. The boy must just have a very fast metabolism as he eats as much as some babies nearly twice his weight.

He grins and coos a lot now, and wants to be entertained. He has mobiles and chimes. He likes to look at mirrors and stuffed animals. I read, talk, and sing to him all day long. The weather has been miserable and Im looking forward to spring so we can get out a bit more. I would like to take him to the baby story hour at the library but I worry about virus germs this time of year. I wonder if his poor little immune system will be crap because I cant breastfeed.

Brian and I plan to have another foster child in our home when we return from England & Iceland this spring. This trip had been planned for November of 2011 but that obviously didnt work out. Brian's Nanna has paid for our tickets. The trip ought be booked pretty soon. Working on getting Titus his passports. British and US. International travel with a baby of 5 months should be interesting.

I have been spending time on the phone bonding with the foster girl's adoptive mom. I think I figured out a way to get to see them whenever I like. I offered to trade next weekend. Titus for the girls for a few hours. She was thrilled. Brian and I will take the ladies to ballet and then we will all have lunch together at their house.

he found his fist

2012-01-10T03:55:00.000-08:00

bit by bit

2011-12-20T15:53:00.000-08:00

It's getting better. Zoloft seems to be kicking in. Ativan took the edge off so I can sleep. Sleep enables me to be rational when I'm awake. Titus is sweet and snoozy. Ive had a few girlfriends over to spoil me. Bring me lunch or baked goods. The darkness this time of year gets to me even when I'm not having a mental health crisis. On the whole, much better now.

The foster girls came over for a gift exchange and some holiday fun Sunday evening. They met the baby for the first time. The girls are growing so fast. It was just over a year ago that they came to stay with us.

I am paranoid about Titus getting a cold or the flu so I keep him in unless I have to take him to the doctor. We have ventured out when its not raining for a few spins around the neighborhood. I splashed out a bit of cash for his Britax stroller/ car seat combo but it was so worth it. light weight.. even I can put the stroller in the car without much hassle. Hes been up to the children's hospital for a final consult with the pediatric cardiologist. Actually a different one than I saw while he was in utero. They did yet another echo cardiogram ( did 2 while he was in the NICU) and she said his heart looks great. She will not need to see him again until he is 3 years of age. That said, he still has to have a surgery! On his penis.. poor little guy. He has a birth defect of the penis called hypospadias. Basically his pee hole is in the wrong spot, and the penis bends in an odd manner. So in the interest of not making him sit when he pees and of him being able to have normal sexual function as an adult, the doc will need to do a repair. I don't know 100% whats involved but we have another consult when he is 4 months old and will learn more then. The surgery is to be done anytime after 6 months of age.

Still no news from Genetics.

Presently waiting for my mother to arrive so I may get a shower and fix dinner and she can have some baby snuggle time.

air guitar

2011-12-02T03:01:00.000-08:00

Not quite happily ever after

2011-11-30T19:20:00.000-08:00

I have been living with a pretty nasty case of postpartum depression/ anxiety. By anxiety I really mean terror and panic. I cry for hours every day, needless to say I am not enjoying my infant very much. I worry constantly . If he vomits, I freak out. If he poops too much. If he coughs, snorts, or grunts. My biggest fear is that he will slip away silently in his sleep, so I keep a vigil. Checking him often which cuts into my sleep. He is so precious an irreplaceable to me. If anything happened to him I wouldn't survive it.

Today I saw the clinical social worker that works out of my OB's clinic. I had seen her about a dozen times a couple of years ago, right after the miscarriages. I like her very much but my feeling has always been that when it comes to real illness, she is slightly out of her depth. Back then I switched to a psychiatrist, insurance paid but shes out of network and to see her again would require paperwork and probably a wait. She is always booked solid. The clinical social worker asked my OB to prescribe zoloft which I had taken in the fall/ winter of 2009. I also asked for ativan to get me over the hump, but she said she would really rather not ask the doctor for that as its addictive. I almost laughed considering the amount and duration of narcotics they had me on after my C section. A little ativan until the zoloft kicks in seems like small potatoes. I know I need to do the hard work of being positive, relaxation breathing and all of that. I just want a little help. I wrote the OB and asked her myself today. If she says no, then she will need to write me a new refferal to the prescriber.

I have not been able to nurse the baby. Long story short, I never got any milk in. Ive pumped 6-8 times per day for the past 3.5 weeks with very little to show for it each time. Titus wouldn't really properly latch and nurse until last week. now that he will there isnt any milk. I get anywhere from 10 to 30ml. per pump. Today I had to say enough is enough. Ive seen lactation consultants. While they have lots of great tips for getting the baby to latch and drink.. not so much for building a milk supply. Of course I had a rough start with the C section, the NICU time etc. Still gutted about the whole thing. I really dont want this baby to live on fortified cows milk. Formula even smells bad to me. There are no opperational milk banks in my area.

I wanted to switch to my baby blog but to be honest I havnt had the energy to set it up yet, and until I dig my way out of this hole I dont feel like I am quite done here. I so much wanted to enjoy this early time with my baby. He is doing fantastic by the way. All the concern is all in my head. I know this. At the rate he has been going he should hit 7 lbs tomorrow. I am healing up reasonably well from the C section. Brian returns to work tomorrow, after his 3 week paternity leave. My mom will be with me for the better part of a week.

If any of you have experience with post partum depression or anxiety please share.

and with a golden ticket its a golden day

2011-11-14T16:03:00.000-08:00

Brian went with me to my fetal growth scan/ non stress test on the afternoon of Friday the 4th. Titus aced the non stress test, but the tech must have looked at the umbilical cord flow for a half hour. Finally she went and got the doctor who said that he didn't like the cord flow, and that growth had slowed down in general. My C section was set for Tuesday the 8th which would have put me at 39 weeks exactly. The peri said that there was no great reason to wait, just to get a number. Because 39 weeks sounds better than 38 weeks. He said the cord flow could have looked worse, but it certainly wasn't optimal. So He sent us home to gather our things including my Mom and had us check into the hospital at 4pm with a C section scheduled for 6:30. We arrived on time and were taken to a labor and delivery room. I was so very uncomfortable at that point. I couldnt lie on my back because of the pain and pressure. I had to for a short while for the fetal heart monitor. The time went fast as they prepped me, took blood, got an IV in, gave me a pubic hair shave. Anesthesia came in and informed me I would be having a spinal block. I wasnt sure if spinal blocks or epidurals were used for C sections. At about quarter to 6pm my on perinatologist surprised me by showing up in his scrubs accompanied by a couple of residents. He had decided that he wanted to do my surgery himself (not common with an HMO). Everything was delayed a bit by the anesthesia folks being in high demand for epidurals around that time. At around 7pm I was walked into the OR. Got a couple of shots of regional anesthetic in my spine before they did the block. that was the most painful part. Brian was waiting in his scrubs, outdoors and since he was the only family member allowed in for the procedure, my Mom took the opportunity to get herself some dinner.

After they did a couple of pain tests on me, they let Brian in. He sat right next to me behind the sterile drape. I couldn't see or feel much of anything. Felt much more relaxed when they gave me some oxygen and I started feeling the small amount of morphine they added to my spinal. Before long there were tugging sensations. I didn't mind them at all, I was so interested in what was going on and so eager to see my baby. Titus was born at 7:43 pm pink and screaming. He scored 8 and 9 on his APGARS. In light of that, they decided he could room in with me and they let Brian carry him back to the labor room where the nurse cleaned him up a bit more while i got stitched up. Sewing everything up takes quite a bit longer than cutting it open. Apparently my Peri is quite the perfectionist. I have every confidence that he did a magnificent job. I asked for some mild sedation at this point and they were kind enough to give me something that they said worked like alchohol on the brain. I felt great but dont remember much of the next hour or two. When they took me back to the labor room I was allowed to put Titus to breast right away.

Next we were taken to a recovery room where I would spend 4 days. At about 3 am I noticed through my drug fog that something wasn't quite right with Titus. I couldn't put my finger on it. I called for the nurse who had an NICU nurse come and check him out. She said she could tell that his blood sugar was low by the way he was shivering. She took him to the nursery and I didn't get him back that night, or any of the nights I stayed in the hospital. He needed formula right away for his blood sugar. The next day they put in a glucose drip. Sad to see an IV in a little tiny hand. I was sore but got out of bed and had them wheel me to the NICU on Saturday morning. Brian went very early and was given some lessons in how to hold and feed him. He was so confident and I was very impressed, considering that he had never been around any infants.

By Sunday Titus was looking rather orange. Sure enough, he had a pretty bad case of jaundice. They put him under lights in nothing but a diaper. He even had to be fed on the table. This pretty much demolished my chances of being able to nurse him with any regularity. One time they wrapped him in the portable light blanket which they then stuffed down my button up pajama top. I guess that was kangaroo care. The skin to skin contact felt wonderful to me. Probably felt good to Titus too. They brought a really nice Medela pump to my room and I was encouraged to pump 8 times per day. I got most of my colostrum out that way and they fed it to Titus or let me do it.

The pediatrician on staff said that Titus has a small deformity of his penis. I forget now what its called, she made a referral to pediatric urology. His platelet count is also pretty low. This means I have to take him for a blood draw twice a week until it goes up to acceptable levels. I despise hearing him cry. His poor little hamburger feet. It breaks a Mother's heart. All of these things combined with his heart defect and short limbs made them worry more about a possible genetic disorder. They took a lot of blood right before he was discharged to be sent to my genetics doctor. She is already busy researching what it might possibly be. The blood work should be helpful.

He LOOKS perfect though. Really. He is exactly what we wanted. You can get lost in his almond shaped eyes. Very alert for such a new baby. He hardly ever fusses. When hes awake, he likes to be held and to stare at me. He roots around for the breast but since I still don't have much milk in, he is usually disappointed when he latches on. I saw a lactation consultant yesterday at our mother baby appointment and shes given me many fine tips. I'm not going to give up. I pump and pump with the pump that as given to me by my fertility friend buddy. I got another pump yesterday that I hope will be easier on my nipples. Its a rental but insurance paid for it.

Brian has another 2 full weeks off and I suppose we are "babymooning". Its a love fest at our house. We walk around looking happy and stupid and shocked. This baby seems special, having survived my hostile uterus. Having been conceived at all. And here he is so lovely and bright eyed. I'm Charlie Bucket with his Golden ticket.

My time spent trying to build a family and eventually getting lucky was the most profound and life altering thing hat has ever happened to me. I take nothing for granted. My heart is full.

I reckon that this is it for Don't Count your Chickens. Brian and I have been talking about a blog for Titus, to talk about his health and share how hes growing. Might or might not turn into a parenting blog but it should be fun with both of us contributing. Brian can write much better than I can. We will link when its up and running.

Before I go I would like to ask -- who are you? How did you come across my blog? Are you dealing with infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss? I would love to know your story and read your blog if you have one.

We are home

2011-11-09T21:46:00.000-08:00

I plan to add what there is of Titus' birth story and my stay in the hospital / his stay in the NICU within the next couple of days.

Good news, his VSD shrank like magic. He wont need to see a pediatric cardiologist for several months. He had two echocardiograms and it looks really good.

Bad news, he has many small health problems. The genetics doctor wants to see him soon and they already took blood for some genetic testing. Shes expecting that the testing may come up with nothing but strongly suspects that he has some sort of genetic issue.

I will elaborate soon. Just enjoying my little man and recovering from my C section whilst attempting to get a milk supply. We were not able to breast feed at the hospital and are getting off to a late start. Titus is very willing though and we have lots of support.

2011-11-05T17:40:00.000-07:00

i went to the peri appointment on friday, doc mentioned groth restriction and didnt like his cord flow. He decided to to the section tgat evening. Brian and i got our bags from home and checked into the hospital by4 pm. Titus was born at 7:43 pm weighing 5lb 15 oz and was 17.5 inches long. Ha has some soft dark brown hair and is gorgeous!!

Im having a painful recovery. Titus got taken to NICU at 3:30 this morning for low blood sugar they are giving him formula in a bottle and glucosw in an IV to raise it. Funny that he should be there but not because of his heart . Im pumping colostrum.. There is a lot more to say and pictures to share. Im on my ipod at hospital and that will have to wait a day or two.

I love the peanut and cant wait to show him off here soon.

parents and the hospital

2011-11-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 11. My dad was married again a year later and my stepmother wanted nothing to do with my Mom. Fair enough, she managed to avoid being in the same room with my Mom until I got married at 28. They ignored each other and it worked out OK. It is just occurred to me that they will both be at the hospital on Tuesday. ugh. The last thing I want to worry about is whether or not they are getting along or if they are awkward or uncomfortable. I suppose they are all adults but it does not feel like that. I am just hoping that I am so stoned on pain meds that I don't care.

I had asked my Dad if maybe they could wait a few days to let me recover a bit and to see if Titus will be in the NICU. He said they want to be there at the time of the birth. I need to remind myself that they have waited for this a long time too.

5 days! This is still surreal. I can not wrap my mind around a live infant in 5 days time.

2011-11-01T09:16:00.000-07:00

I am not really cool with having this C section. Feeling more and more robbed of a "normal" pregnancy. I suppose I should have given up on that after the bleeding episodes, or the discovery of the defects. Bah. Just grumpy today.

The trip to Eugene for baby shower # 2 was actually pleasant. My stepmother made a real effort. She and I have had a strained relationship for over 23 years. Better since I got married 7 years ago. Speaking of that, Brian and I extended our anniversary celebration to the weekend, got a decent hotel room. Dinner out and a leisurely breakfast the next morning.

I have probably mentioned that my step mom almost certainly meets the clinical definition of a hoarder. She hoards clothing mostly, and household items in general. Since my youngest brother was born nearly 20 years ago, shes been collecting baby stuff of both genders. When my niece came along 8 years ago it got worse. She kicked down lots of clothing for the foster girls. Too much. I felt like I was drowning in clothes while I got it all sorted. Our house is only 1000 square feet. I finally got it all packed away with them or taken to the goodwill, and now I have a load of infant stuff. When we arrived at their place on Saturday her entire (large) living room was packed with boxes. It took me 5 hours to go through it all. I ended up with 3 small bins and a box or two. I could have just said no, but she is so focused on these things and its so important to her I didn't want to upset her. I did refuse the toys. I just said Im not OK with old plastic toys and BPA. I certainly feel like less is more when it comes to toys and I want high quality wooden ones for the most part.

My other mom came over yesterday to help launder, sort, and put everything away including the hoarded clothes and all the shower gifts. We cleaned as well. I was pretty wiped out by the time the 3 girls came over for a special Halloween treat and to show of their costumes. We had not seen them for a couple of weeks. They looked fantastic and seemed well. The eldest is slipping back into her old speech patterns. Baby talk. That was a little hard to hear after I spent so much time working with her over the summer. Nothing I can do about it now though.

There I am a couple of days ago at just under 38 weeks. I now have 7 days until delivery. Not sure what to do with this week,, I guess I can do my best to relax and be calm about the surgery.

Missing

2011-10-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

I miss those girls terribly now. Im sorry to say, but its by order of age youngest to oldest. The little one was only 2 when she arrived. So hard not to feel as though I have abandoned them. I think I hear them in the night and get up, half asleep. I make too much dinner. Talking to them on the phone or seeing them in person makes it 100 times harder, but I have to keep doing it. I try to imagine how they feel.

For me its similar to the feeling you get when you split up with a long term boyfriend. Or perhaps when a dear friend moves very far away. Its grief. I know what grief feels like. Our foster certifier warned me about this. She said its normal and it means that you attached properly. Normal or not, it still smarts.

I also think we will do it again. On a smaller scale, after we know more about Titus' heart condition, and after our trip to England this spring. I don't know if I said that Brian's Nana has given us 2000 pound to travel to England as soon as the baby is able. That's just over 3000 US dollars. Ive been looking at the Icelandic air website and hoping we will able to fly with them for the stopover. Plus its less expensive than British air which would be my second choice. I wont fly internationally with any of the US based airlines. The service is awful. The space is cramped. Its a 10 hour flight from Seattle to Heathrow and that's a lot of time to be uncomfortable.

Today Brian and I celebrate our 7 year wedding anniversary. Maybe having a meal out. Usually we get a fancy hotel room but we are saving that for this weekend when we travel south a bit to see my parents and attend another baby shower.

hehe

2011-10-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

Want to see a really goofy picture of my husband? Hes in the middle. I'm not sure I have ever seen that sort of syrupy face on him before. He was watching me open up baby stuff. The woman sitting next to him furtively eating a cupcake is my cousin. One who looks quite a bit like me. The woman next to her is my Mother. There are some of me opening gifts but I have to ask the woman who was sitting next to me if its OK that I post them here, as she reads the blog on occasion.

Date of birth

2011-10-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

Should be 11-8-11

Unless he happens to flip, in which case we will proceed with a regular vaginal labor and delivery when the time comes.

Or unless I happen to go into labor early and he needs to be taken right then. He was still very much breech at my appointment today. OB palpated my belly and said she was nearly 100% sure but confirmed with ultrasound. Everything at today's appointment was picture perfect. Except my weight.. I am gaining at what I think is an alarming rate. The doctor isn't worried. The non stress test was easy. My cervix is closed tight. Afterward my step mom took me to lunch then shopping for things to wear at the hospital. Nursing bras and pajamas. All told it was a good day. I have my 8 year old niece tonight and tomorrow for the baby shower. She has been fed pizza and ice cream , watching a bbc production of Hansel and Gretel but soon to be put to bed.

2011-10-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

There are baby showers coming up. One this Saturday and the other on the 30th. I have to drive 2 hours to my Dad's place for that one, I suppose 100 miles isn't too far to travel at 38 weeks but I hate driving even when I'm not huge and breathless. I didn't start driving on a regular basis until I was nearly 30. The freeway still freaks me out. Oddly, I'm totally fine driving in heavy city traffic. Its just what you're used to. Brian does not drive at all, which is OK most of the time but will make the whole getting to the hospital and back a little awkward. I wont be able to drive for a while C section. I suppose my mom can take a taxi to the hospital and drive us home when we are discharged. They are very particular about car seats in this country.

Oh yes, baby showers. I feel like I don't deserve this. I'm not saying that to be dramatic. I have never had anything to mark a big milestone in life. No senior prom or pictures. No formal high school graduation. I got married on a Tuesday morning at 8 am at the courthouse. I had no bridal shower. So not only am I not used to these sorts of things, but I STILL feel like a big imposter. Like its not real or that everyone is going to be terribly disappointed when things suddenly take a turn for the awful and there is no baby to use these things. This is what recurrent loss does to your brain.

Jeffery is coming home! This weekend my dad is flying to Maryland to get him from the hospital. He still has a very long road to recovery. He will need to spend a lot of time here in Portland where we have the larger hospitals for additional skin grafts and monitoring. I presume he will stay here when he needs to, Brian willing. My step mom is dropping off my 8 year old niece friday morning and she will spend the night. The house feels empty without the girls so it will be good to have a child for company.

I slept for 4 hours today. Now its getting dark and I feel weird. I never even got dressed. Its not that Im feeling unwell, just not sleeping much at night. Maybe a shower then a short walk around the neighborhood will help.

Im very anxious for my OB appointment / non stress test on Friday. This is when I will likely get my C section date. Brian can start his leave whenever he needs to. Its getting so close.. Im afraid of major surgery but I want what is best for the baby.

2011-10-15T06:32:00.000-07:00

Because Brian and I have decided that I wont have a version, we are now trying to figure out the logistics of a C section delivery and recovery. I'm still holding out some hope that Titus will turn on his own. It has been known to happen. I am not sure why the perinatologist stated that he feels that the baby wont move. Perhaps its because he has been breech since 15 weeks. I do know that hes running out of room. In Canada they are going back to allowing a lot of breech babies to be born vaginally. Not so here, they just wont do it.

Thanks to a generous friend from the Internet I now am the proud owner of a hospital grade Limerick brand breast pump. We met in person the other day. She also donated a few other fine items, a moses basket on a stand complete with a couple of sets of bedding, a dozen glass Born free glass bottles that look as if they have hardly been used and some sleepers, which we needed. Other small things pouring in from friends and I feel lucky and grateful. We splurged on a fairly high end stroller and car seat combo which arrived yesterday.

My neighbors were fighting all night.. or something. Lots of slamming of the front door, stomping on the porch, strange guttural whining and crying noises. Finally hauled myself out of bed at 4 am with Brian up shortly after. We had tea and porridge. I am enjoying our last few weeks alone together. Our 7th wedding anniversary is on the 26th. Brian arrived in the US on October 3rd 2004.

Tomorrow we take the girls to lunch. When the new mom told me we have to wait to get them until after they get home from church, I bristled. I am an atheist and proud of it. The crunchy lefty in me wants to respect every ones choices but I still feel protective of those girls and don't feel like they should be paraded around at a new church like a horse and pony show less than a week after arriving there. Do they want a pat on the back from the congregation? They tell you not to take new foster or adopted kids to big gatherings or expose them to a lot of extended family right away. Grrr.

even though hes light

2011-10-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

hes got way more chunk on him than he did 9 weeks ago.

Breech baby

2011-10-12T07:31:00.000-07:00

Titus is Breech. While this didn't concern my providers a few weeks ago, they are now telling me what my options are. I don't like them!

1. if the baby is still breech at my OB appointment next week I can arrange to have a "version" with the perinatologist the following week (37).

2. if the baby is still breech at my OB appointment next week I may arrange to have a C section closer to my due date.

The perinatologist is not confident that he will turn on his own between now and then. He says it can happen but really not very often. I plan to try a few home tactics to encourage him to head south. Versions only work 50% of the time and can cause fetal distress and placental abruption. I say no thanks!

His limbs are measuring about the same amount of short as last time. Hes growing, everything else still measures fine. His head measured to the day. His limbs grow too but they are just so short. They did image his heart but didn't say anything about it. The only difference is that last time the peri said that they would call somebody in during the middle of the night should Titus be born at night. This time he said it could wait a day. So I sort of wonder if the hole appeared smaller but he didn't want to get my hopes up. The tech told me she couldn't see it at all. Who knows.. we got so busy talking about what to do about the Breech situation that it sort of took up the whole appointment. The doctor did mention that the baby's estimated weight is lighter than they would like to see at this point. They think hes 4 lbs 10 oz. Most babies would be close to 6 lbs by now, so this gets me weekly non stress tests at the OB's office. He did say that its probably because of his short limbs but he has to do these to cover his butt. The non stress monitoring takes 45 min and can be done during my weekly OB appointments. I see the Peri again at 38 weeks.

He did some tests yesterday to try to get to the bottom of all the upper abdominal pain Ive been having, including an ultrasound of my gall bladder and blood work for liver stuff. It all checked out ok so feels like the L&D lady did, that its digestive. Maybe an ulcer. Hes prescribed antacids. I'm still waking up every hour moaning and sometimes crying because of the pain and pressure. sigh. I will live but it would be nice to get some sleep. Lucky for me , I have nothing to do for the next 5 weeks except take care of myself and rest. I am considering this my maternity leave and well deserved.

New foster mom came and got the very last of the girl's things yesterday. I feel wicked admitting that I'm only missing them a little. I think that it just feels like vacation at the moment and that next week the missing will kick in big time. We take them to lunch this weekend.

Oddly, my rash is gone! PUPPP isn't supposed to go away until you deliver so either its a miracle, or it wasn't PUPPP. it looked like the real thing. started in my stretch marks and spread to all the usual places. I am thankful. One less thing to worry about.

I'm off for a healthy pregnant lady breakfast consisting of a piece of sprouted grain toast with tofu pate, a cup of strawberries, and a glass of organic whole milk.

2011-10-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

Jeffery had over 9 hours of skin grafting yesterday. No word yet on his condition but they said he would be in the ICU for a couple of days while recovering.

These little guys arrived a little over a year ago. We love you little muchachos, wherever you are.

Today is the girl's last full day in our home. Party starts at 1pm with friends and family coming round to say bon voyage. We will drive the ladies and their things out to the new family's place early tomorrow morning.

I guess the empty house will show the dirt. Ive not had a truly clean home for about a year. I will have some help getting things sorted in the next few weeks. The little girl's room smells faintly of urine although we cant figure out the source. I despise carpeting. We have it in only two rooms and Ive wanted to rip it out since we got here. Im putting the baby in the one bedroom that has no carpeting, if hes anything like me he wont tolerate dust and dust mites very well. The other room will become a sitting room, if there is the time and energy we will put in the walnut flooring that was leftover from one of my mom's projects.

I have a perinatology appointment on Tuesday afternoon and Im pretty nervous about it. I am afraid they will tell me his limbs have slowed down their growth even more since the last scan. The girl's social worker wants me to head directly to the children's hospital after my appointment to meet with the developmental pediatrician, and developmental psychologist along with the new foster mom to discuss whats been going on with the eldest girl. Im reserving the right to bow out if I get bad news.

The sun is shining and its time for me to start cooking and decorating for our party this afternoon. It should be fun with several of the girl's friends in attendance as well as my family.

my brother

2011-10-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

My brother phoned me from the East coast tonight. He had 3.5 hours of surgery today. The people who will do his skin graffs watched the doctors work on his broken arm bones to get a better idea of what needs to be done in the coming days. Jeffery has a morphine drip and is hitting it often. He seemed tired, bored, and slightly grumpy. He did say that hes happy to be alive, and was sure he was a dead man during and directly after the fall.

Jeffery is the biological child of my dad and his second wife. Born just a few weeks before my 16th birthday he has always been the apple of my eye. Sort of like a mix between a nephew and a brother. I dont know what I would have done if he would have been hurt even worse. It will be good to have him home for the holidays and to meet Titus.

2011-10-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

my rash has become rather debilitating. Its now spread to my arms, arm pits, hands, feet, bottoms of feet, legs, and butt. not to mention the top of my vagina. My feet are on fire and I cant wear shoes. Gosh, I was looking forward to the 5 weeks after the girls left to go to the pool, maybe do some yoga, prepare the house for baby and try to prepare myself mentally for childbirth. Now all I can think of is scratching until I bleed. Prescription steroid cream is doing nothing, but the herbal salve a kind friend prepared for me can take the edge off, if only for a short time. Brian and my mom have offered to take some time off of work this week to help me out with the packing and girls transition. Sleep is mostly a thing of the past but I took an antihistamine last night and slept at least 6 hours from exhaustion. I feel mentally stable this morning. Last night I thought I was losing my marbles. Ive never been a person who functions well with sleep deprivation.

This picture isn't an under baked muffin,, but rather a close up shot of my rashy underbelly. This is where it all started, which is typical of PUPPP. I wouldn't wish this on anyone and if any of you have had this condition I would appreciate knowing your story and how you coped.

We did meet the new family yesterday for pizza and games. The girls are pissed off at us. They like the new parents well enough but are not shy about expressing their anger and hurt over the whole thing. I am confident that they will do well in this home and thrive. This family has a lot more space because they live in the suburbs and its much easier to afford a larger house out there. They are highly organized and tidy, these girls need a lot of structure.

My youngest brother who is 16 years younger than I am has been hopping trains for the past couple of years. He was disgruntled with school and society in general and wanted to live life on the road and be a Hobo for a while. His choice, although of course we didn't approve. He has a trust fund for University when he wants to go. Anyhow he was in an awful accident on Friday night. Hopping a train by himself somewhere in Maryland his clothing got snagged up on something. He fell off the moving train and very nearly tore his arm off in the process. Was taken to a local hospital but they couldn't treat a "degloving" wound so the flew him to a hospital in a neighboring state. He had his first surgery yesterday morning. He will need ongoing reconstructive surgery and skin graffs. He may or may not regain use of his arm. My dad and step mom are not flying to the East coast to be with him, which baffles me. I would go if I could. At least he will be coming home when he gets out of hospital in a few weeks.

insomnia

2011-09-30T05:07:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention that I was in labor and delivery on Sunday night. I hadn't been able to sleep Friday or Saturday nights because of a searing upper abdominal pain/ pressure. near my sternum and focused around my right rib in the front. The nurse didn't really know what to think so she transferred me to the charge nurse at the hospital who told me to come right in. She said that sort of pain is commonly associated with Pre eclampsia and hellp syndrome. She told me to bring a bag and made me go to the hospital that I will eventually deliver at, which frightened me.

I was pleasantly surprised at how nice this hospital is. The staff was wonderful and they got me in a room right away. Having pre registered a few weeks ago was a good idea as they had all my information and I didn't have to mess with any paperwork. The doctor took my blood pressure, palpated my chest and decided pretty quickly that the pain was from gas and just being huge. She prescribed some laxatives and sent me on my way. Not before showing some of the nursing staff my PUPPP rash which I guess they don't see all that often. The problem is that my bowels are regular and I still have the pain. Ive been up most of the night. Same for last night. Today I will need to call the OB and see if I cant get a second opinion. I'm worried that its my gall bladder or pancreas. Liver? I know that women get uncomfortable around this time but this seems over the top.

On the plus side, we have had gorgeous warm autumn weather. I'm going to get an early morning walk before everyone wakes up and I will have time to take a nap while the girls are at school if I can get comfortable enough. My mom suggested that I buy myself a good quality reclining chair, so I might go furniture shopping this weekend.

Its been decided that we will take the girls to Chuck E cheese on Saturday for their first meeting with the new parents. Its an obnoxious place .. they serve something they call pizza(cardboard) and there are lots of games for the kids. Parents hate it but kids love it, and the girls have been bugging me to go. No excuse as its within walking distance. At least when I was a kid in the 80's it had the slight redeeming quality of having giant , singing, animatronic mice and other creatures performing on a stage. They retired those in the late 90's.

Looks like

2011-09-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

They found a home for the girls. An adoptive home if need be, and I'm sure it will come to that. I almost squealed when I got the call late this afternoon. I am so excited for the girls. Not that they have to move again, and form new attachments that just sucks however you look at it, but because this situation looks so hopeful. These people are my age, been married for 14 years and have no children. The woman seemed so thrilled and frightened on the phone. Going from zero to three kids is a huge deal. I'm giving her as much stuff as I can and hopefully she will come to me for advice and support if they need it.

I will give more details as I get them. I have to start packing, the transition will begin this weekend when we meet the family for a meal. Much work to be done sorting out all their paper work and making sure the medication protocols are printed out, the schools are informed etc. The girls know that they are going to meet a nice family this weekend. The actual move is likely not going to take place for a week or so.

This seems to be exactly what I was hoping for and not a moment too soon. Brian told me not to count my chickens (I don't think he knows the name of my blog) because social services can move so slow and you never know what will happen, but I think they are trying to work with our deadline and I seriously doubt they would have given this adoptive mom our number if it wasn't going full speed ahead.

Brian and I feel a strange mixture of excitement , relief, and being totally gutted. Going to be strange getting used to an empty house, even if its only empty for another 5 or 6 weeks after they leave. I feel possessive of these children and the hardest part will be turning their care over to another family.

2011-09-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

Not sure why the last post was so big and bold. The rash is unusual because it itches and burns through what feels like all the layers of skin. Down to the nerves. Ive never experienced anything like it. I would post a picture if I didnt think I would disgust you. I thought I had some ingrown hairs that got infected.. the OB said its a textbook case of PUPP. Not much to be done for it. Cortisone cream not cutting it so she has prescribed some stronger steroid cream. I put a bandage on it the other night so I wouldnt scratch it in my sleep but ended up tearing it off while sleeping, so that didnt help much.

Today's OB appointment was uneventful. I'm piling on the pounds all of a sudden. At 20 weeks I had not gained anything. Now Im up 18 lbs. Will probably gain another 10.

The past few days have been tense. The girls disclosed some abuse to myself and their caseworker. Abuse that happened before they came to live with us. So reports have been made and now we wait to see what happens. I got a call from an adoption worker today, saying that she is looking for a family to take all 3 girls. I suppose this means they really truly are searching for an adoptive or potential adoptive home for them. I talked for a long time, I wanted her to know all about them. Fingers crossed for a fantastic family.

The youngest has taken to preschool like a duck to water. In only 2 days I see a difference in her. Increased confidence and speaking so much more.

The weather has been irregular. It was in the 90's then cooled down to the 60's for several days, now back close to 90. I cant tolerate any sort of heat so even though we had packed up the portable AC for the summer, its now back in commission.

I am itching (no pun intended) to put up a nursery but there is no room. The girls need all the space they are occupying and more. A fisher price rock and play sleeper is on its way and the crib will stay in the box for now. I am far too big and akward to put anything together on my own so will require a lot of help when I have the space. Im not going to go whole hog but I have really been looking forward to this bit for many years.

PUPP

2011-09-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy - PUPPP

I have this. Lucky me. 1 in 200 chance. started out on my stretch marks. It itches and burns, OB suggested that it will spread and get worse. bah.

Bone Thrown

2011-09-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

The caseworker did phone me after court yesterday. She said the judge tried to get me on the phone but something was wrong with their phone set up. Whatever. The girl's dad approached her after court and wanted to know why I wouldn't let him see the girls yesterday. He honestly thought I was just being a bitch. She explained that I would have been in trouble for that, and that those things all need to be set up through her. I think birth parents imagine that foster parents have a lot more say in thing then we actually do. Their mom just found out yesterday that the girls wont be staying here for the long term. The caseworker said had a major meltdown over that because it was her hope that we would adopt them. I never told her that we would be an adoptive resource but maybe DHS suggested that to her at some point.

Social services says they are working on it, but the caseworker is disappointed that they haven't worked harder on finding them a placement. She says she will now take it upon herself. I knew that she wouldn't make any real progress until after court on the 20th. I wrote a letter to my certified almost two weeks ago saying as much.

The judge has given each parent a 4 month extension during which time they are supposed to get their acts together. The caseworker says this might just be their moms "find Jesus" moment where she suddenly understands that nobody is going to take care of her kids except for her. hmm. Shes STILL rooting for mom after 1.5 years of no progress. My own mother who works for the agency says this is naive at best and at worst she is enabling her. My mom has a whole different outlook on casework after 22 years though. Shes tough. A judge that she works with said that she gives parents who aren't doing well just enough rope to hang themselves with. That's a bit harsh.

To answer Faith's question the girls do have a therapist. Ive found her a bit..useless for lack of a nicer word. Shes nice, I can say that. She said she almost never appears in court. She was angry that they moved the girls from their last placement and into our home last winter. She even suggested I was lying when I told her that the girls arrived with bags of dirty clothes and no toys. Even after being in foster care for almost 7 months. I gave her a little time and she got over it. She just really liked the other foster mom and thought the family had been slighted by the agency. She works for an outside agency that contracts with DHS. Ive seen her in action and I'm pretty sure there is no real therapy going on. Caseworker agrees but shes not allowed to switch counselors once they have been assigned. I went behind her back and got the eldest girl a developmental assessment ordered through the children's hospital. Which includes a visit with a developmental pediatrician, a consult with a child psychologist, and some time with an occupational therapist. I'm hoping they will step in, as I think this girl is clinically depressed.

Speaking of the therapist, she got wind that the Dad was heading out of town and arranged an emergency "goodbye" visit with all 3 girls later this morning. This means the little ones have to miss their very first day of preschool. Headstart understood. I don't understand. He could have done this last week. He is a selfish man.

So on with the rest of my day which includes taking the kids to this visit. I don't even care to see the Dad today but I have little choice. Bonus.. I can go get myself a decaf mocha and a pastry while I wait. A blissful hour and a half all alone with my new Kindle.

not best pleased

2011-09-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

Ive been trying to get in touch with the girls caseworker for weeks to see if she is any closer to knowing what "the plan" is. Nothing. Today was court, I had asked the caseworker via email to arrange for me to appear by phone as we have done in the past. Since I didnt hear from her, I asked the lawyer to do it yesterday. Nobody did it. Court is over now and I have no idea what happened. I had to re sched. my much needed dental appointment.

I feel so torn over this. Part of me wants our limitations to be acknowledged and respected by social services. We told them we couldn't properly care for 3 special needs girls and 1 special needs baby. We gave them several months to find a suitable arrangement. Hopefully something long term. They have managed nothing. My ego tells me that they need to stay here because Im the only person that can properly care for them, and that we will just make it work because they have to. I already have little girl things taking up nearly every corner of the house. I dont know where we would put a baby. I dont know what I would do with the ladies if Brian and I had to spend time in the NICU with Titus.

I just want their social worker to throw me a bone and tell me that shes doing what she can. If you give an inch, they will take a mile.

Also, the girl's father phoned this afternoon told me that their great grandmother is in town, and wants to see the girls. I told him he would have needed to arrange that through the case worker. He was pissed. He said he is leaving town in two days because everything "went to shit" here. I say good riddance. He was to have started his DHS supervised visits this Friday.

So thats the latest. Its me worrying about everyone getting their needs met. I suppose it will all fall into place but man.. I really dont like this feeling like its out of my hands. We tried to be so honest about what we are capable of.

Youre out of the woods

2011-09-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

You're out of the woods, You're out of the dark, You're out of the night.
Step into the sun, Step into the light.
Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place
On the Face of the Earth or the sky.
Hold onto your breath, Hold onto your heart, Hold onto your hope.
March up to the gate and bid it open

You might be out of the woods but theres still a green witch with her creepy army of monkey men .. and they have it in for you.

2011-09-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

I saw the perinatologist this afternoon. My older brother watched the girls and I went alone. Brian had a meeting. Today's appointment stunk because

1. I didnt even see his face, let alone get any of the fun pictures they gave me last time.
2. His arms and legs are growing, but not quite at the same rate they had been on the previous 2 scans. Most long bones measuring less than 5th percentile at this point.
3. They finally got a really good look at his heart. For the first time since seeing the cardiologist. His VSD is just as big. Not shrunk at all, and the peri said it could actually be bigger than they think so hard to get a good idea of the size when there is so much of my tissue in the way. When they get to do the echo on the actual baby instead of fetus in utero, they will know a lot more.
4. If hes not looking great directly after he is born, peri mentioned sending him right to OHSU. I suppose this is in light of the fact that the hole has not shrunk in the past 9 weeks. They had hoped that it would have already.

The good parts of my appointment

1. placenta looks good
2. everything else measuring spot on
3. amniotic fluid at a perfect level
4. blood pressure low
5. Peri very pleased about my glucose test

At this point its really wait and see what this baby looks like when hes born.

We got a package in the mail today. All the way from England.. these beautiful knitted items for the baby. I didnt even know my mother and law could knit. She also sent some stuffed animals for him and an activity book for each of the girls.

Still no word about a placement for the ladies. They are having a super hard time finding a family for them, either short term or long term. They have started looking out of county. Very sad and a little upset about how this is working out but that is a post for another day. Dog tired at the moment.

Neither here nor there

2011-09-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

I wanted to keep a journal about recurrent pregnancy loss. I had no intention of sharing until my dear blog friend Panamahat invited me to do so. I'm now feeling in a bit of a no woman's land as far as blogging goes. I have not yet made it to the "other side" but have made it far enough to say that recurrent pregnancy loss is no longer my current problem. It seems to me that this pregnancy has been a fantastic fluke. Not at all sure that I would be willing to subject myself to the infertility and loss juggernaut again.

I never thought making it out of a first trimester was the end goal. I still had fears of late pregnancy loss or still birth, unfounded.. but very real for me. I had the image of Lucy yanking away the football from Charlie Brown as my computer wallpaper for a long time. The fact that Titus may be born less than healthy feels a little like another missed kick. I bet that seems ungrateful. Maybe so. I felt like if I could make it through a pregnancy then of course things would be fine. I still don't know how this is going to play out. Happily ever after? Perhaps a version of it I couldn't have anticipated.

I have complained that infertility takes away your ability to plan for the future, outside of the next couple of cycles. Now that it looks like I will have a baby I can keep.. we will need to make up for lost time. Brian still wants to do a PHD. If he can get into a program with funding, this will be a lot more feasible. I will need to work full time, at least one job to support the family , which takes away my fantasy of being a stay at home mother. As for what sort of work I will do.. hmm. I hate the Oregon board of massage and this is the main reason I havnt sat for the state board exam in oregon. I passed the federal one with flying colors. If we move state I wont have to take another. So I could hang up a shingle and work for myself. I cant see clocking in and out at a chiropractor's office or a fancy spa. Too much work, not enough pay. I do like the idea of combining all of my training and doing theraputic massage for people in nursing homes and on hospice. More and more hospice programs are hiring for this. I guess this brings me to my final thought for this post.. if Im going to take care of other people .. Whether it be my own family or the folks I end up working with Im going to need to heal myself a bit first. To process some of my anger over how the last few years went. This may mean just trying to think of some of it as water under the bridge. Im probably going to have to discuss it in therapy and then let it go. At least as much as possible.

EEEK a MOUSE- and OB appointment

2011-08-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting down to blog a mouse sauntered through my open front door. He took a leisurely stroll across my living room and hid behind the stereo. Big fat mouse at that. I screamed twice and woke the 4 year old from her nap who then she screamed because I was upset. I told her it was nothing and she went back to sleep, phoned my husband at work who was in a meeting but took the call because he worries about me. I could tell he was trying not to laugh when he said he would head home as soon as his meeting ended. I really dont care for rodents. I would rather have a snake in my house.

I finally had a glucose tolerance test yesterday. Yes, the first one was ordered back in April. Ive been putting it off. Yesterday was 28 weeks and I had an OB appointment today so I figured I had best get it over with. I passed with flying colors! Which is fortunate because they never would have been able to get all the blood out of my tiny veins for the 3 hour. The phlebotomist always remembers me, she was relieved. My iron is also fine, weight ok, blood pressure good. They want me to start doing kick counts, Im not quite sure what thats all about but I suppose I will read the material. OB stated that it is 100% certain that I have to deliver at the undesirable hosptial. bah. I got a little upset about it one night and was crying to my husband " Those butchers are going to cut me open" etc etc. This hospital has no tours for security reasons (?) and I guess I am anxious about this whole delivery thing. I emailed a friend of mine who is a midwife to see if she suggests any particular sort of birth preparation class. Might look into hiring a doula. Ever since I read that 40% of american women over the age of 35 end up with a C section, Ive been a little paranoid. I am not in the best shape of my life and while I know that my body knows what to do, Im not certain that I have provided it with the best tools to get the job done.

Most of the last week has been spent trying to get the girl's appointment, parental visit, school and transport sched. in order. Its a lot of negotiation. They are only here for 5 more weeks and as far as I know, their case worker hasnt made any move to find them a new placement. It cant be super easy to find a foster home with room for 3 siblings. I hope she gets a move on. She took her sweet time getting them here. I want to be able to do a proper transition with sleep overs and a slow introduction if possible.

exhaustion hits

2011-08-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

I am so so tired. I don't know how people manage huge families. I feel like I'm totally done. Like I could sleep for the next 13 weeks. The little ladies will be here for another 6 weeks. Ive turned into a Walrus who cant tie her own shoes or get the clothes of the front loading washing machine. It would be fine.. more than fine but I have so much work to do.

I think better nutrition and a little more time carved out for myself will help get me through the next month and a half. Sadly Brian will then have to pick up the slack. Maybe I can hire a sitter 5 hours a week. Somebody who wouldn't mind switching the laundry for me while I go float in a pool or get my hair cut. I desperately need to see a dentist for my bleeding pregnancy gums but there hasn't been time and I cant take the kids with me like I do when I have OB appointments.

Sorry for the whine. If any of you have tips for how to manage a busy kid schedule while feeling like you got hit by a cement mixer, I welcome them.

2011-08-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

The girl's father has split up with his long term girlfriend. I'm not sure what will happen now. Their social worker was here last week and did mention that the girlfriend was a major deciding factor in whether or not they would reunify with the Dad. Shes not sure at all about his ability to care for all 3 of them himself. This was before we learned about the break up.

I am disappointed for the girls. This was a sure enough thing that I had started to cue them about living with "daddy". Now it is totally up in the air. The current plan is to put them in another foster home. This plan sucks if you ask me. We wait and see what the social worker comes up with between now and late September when they have their next court date.

Brian and i had a lovely stay at the beach. Nearly 48 hours of no kids to mind. We had a swim in the hotel pool ( you dont swim in this part of the pacific its rough and COLD). Lots of meals out, I got my fill of Dungeness crab. Its a bit on the rich side but its so tasty. Our bed was positioned near the balcony which looked right out on the beach. We enjoyed visiting a local Pioneer museum.

My stepmother has offered to us a beautiful bassinet from the late 40's. a family heirloom. Sadly, I dont think its quite safe. Its lovely to look at though. I hate to tell her no.

Over the weekend we had discussed giving the social worker until the 1st of November to move the girls, hoping that would buy a little more time for the reunification efforts with the dad. In light of recent events Im not sure that is a great idea. I dont think they should move schools if we can avoid it. I feel that if they cant make things with the parents work then they should switch right to finding an adoptive placement. The mom is signing the papers so the state does not have to terminate her rights. We will see what happens with their father. Brian intends to attend the next court date and speak his mind about a few things. I hope I can be there too.

perfectly short

2011-08-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

We saw the perinatolgist today. Titus' limbs are still measuring short but they are growing. Still about 3 weeks behind and in the 5th percentile. They said he would get another echo cardiogram today but the peri said he didnt feel the need to. So they just measured him and the doc messed around with the 4 D ultrasound for a while. That was a treat, I had never had one and wasnt about to pay for one at some private place. This is still a bit early for good 4 D images. They fatten up quite a bit by 28 weeks but it was fun to see what he sort of looks like. I am 26 weeks today.

Its been decided by the peri that I will deliver at the hospital on the other side of town that is affiliated with my HMO. Because its in network and has an NICU. Titus will need an echo cardiogram as soon as he is born. I asked about the fancy medical school hospital where the pediatric cardiologist guy is but they said they thought it over and its not needed. Im a little disappointed because of my 3 possible places, this hospital is the worst. Its in a posh part of town but as I understand it, their birthing facilities are not as good as the hospital closer to my place or OHSU. At least baby will be well looked after. Its now time to pre register at this hospital and take a tour.

Other than all that, just loving these foster girls. I have the caseworker coming tomorrow afternoon for a home visit. Tomorrow morning I supervise a visit with the girls and their mother as the regular DHS visit assistant is out on medical leave and they cant find anyone to fill in for her. I dont want the ladies to miss out on seeing Mom. This weekend the girls will stay with my parents in Eugene while we head to the coast for a couple of days. Ahh. Car wants servicing and that will have to happen on Thursday, even if I have to cancel some appointments. I hardly ever have time to get my car fixed. I need it every day and its hard to bus around with 3 little ones in tow. My step mom is a child protective case worker for the state of Oregon. She had to sign a conflict of interest form to provide respite care for us. This form had to be signed by her supervisor, the branch manager and some head of the agency in the capital. CRAZY.

My sister in law gave birth to a beautiful baby girl early Friday morning. Jessica Emily H. 7 lb 8 oz. I wish I could fly to England tomorrow to see them. I might have mentioned before that Brian's sister's husband left her when she was about 14 weeks pregnant. Im so proud of her for doing what she needed to do and being strong these past months. A trip to the UK is certainly in order, whenever Titus gets the OK to fly. Its a long past due trip.

2011-07-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

Brian has told the girl's caseworker that they need a new placement by October the 1st. In theory this will give us 6ish weeks to prepare the house for baby. They are on track to be reunited with their bio dad but it can be a long process. This caseworker likes to take things nice and slow. She seems reluctant to commit to moving them in with dad this soon. At present they are still only doing weekly 1 hour visits in a therapy with him. Their non compliant mom is getting 4 hours a week total. It seems wise to me to cut her visits shorter and increase his, as there is limited time and funds for transport and supervision. I will likely start supervising some visits with him just because I want to speed things up a bit. Anyhow we are really hoping that they can go right to his home, and not to another foster placement before that happens. We simply cant care for an infant and the 3 special needs girls. Not without help, and we cant afford help. Social services has none to offer.. so there we are. Ive met with dad and his partner several times now. All I can say is that they seem ok. I know I mentioned most of this before but I just wanted to update and say this is still how things stand. No solid plans for reunification and the clock is ticking. 2 months.

I took the little one to hospital to get tubes in her ears on Tuesday. I had to get her checked in by 5:30 am. Social worker and judge made such a stink about getting mom to these important medical appointments, but she was nowhere to be seen that morning. Fine by me.. stressful enough getting a 3 year old ready for sedation. I met some very nice mothers in the waiting room.. We spent about an hour in a play room while they were getting our paper work in order, so the little one got to play with another 3 year old . This little boy had down syndrome and was so sweet. When his mom asked about my pregnancy I mentioned the baby's markers and she poo pooed. Her son had no markers at all. She is almost 10 years older than I though. We talked about the county services for developmentally delayed children that she gets for her son and I get for the girls. It was nice to have the company and the camaraderie that morning.

Brian and I had lunch at the El Salvadorian place near our house this afternoon. Girls were at their friday visit so it felt like a date. I had chicken Mole and my fill of their fantastic and flavorful hot salsa. The owners brought house made coconut ice cream apon seeing my pregnant belly. It was soo good but now I must have more. Coconut ice cream is not easy to come by in this country. I am getting enough rest. Ive been taking a daily afternoon nap and putting all the girls down. Including the eldest who seems to need the nap almost as much as I do.

I wonder and worry about what we will do after the girls leave and we are reduced to a single income. I put their government check in the bank today and it sure pads things out. To put it bluntly it pays our mortgage and our car payment. Brian's salary takes care of everything else including their food, clothing, and activities. We have lived on his income alone in the past but we have more bills now. Everything that goes along with owning a car, plus its not cheap to have a baby. We will make it work but I really dont want to go back to work. The money I can earn simply does not justify paying for daycare and having somebody else look after my (long awaited) child. I may take in a couple of kids for daycare in my home. I wouldnt mind doing some light elder care if I could take him with me. Trying to put this on the back burner so I can focus on the girls and taking care of my physical and mental health.

The next perinatology appointment is on the 8th. I have my 25 week OB appointment on the 2nd and will have to finally submit to the glucose screening test this coming week. Just the one hour and Ive been putting it off. There may be no more coconut ice cream for me. Horrors. In other pregnancy news, my ribs hurt. Something awful. Ive gone from a 34 D to a 38 DD. I never knew how your ribs expand. Very weird. Other than that, feeling healthy. Hot.. but thank goodness its not super hot in this part of the country like it is elsewhere. I couldnt take it. I hope my friends in the states are keeping cool.

End Ramble, time to feed the children.

a little lighter

2011-07-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

The quad screen results came in this afternoon.

1 in 1000 for Down syndrome

1 in 3500 for trisomy 18

that sure as heck beats the 1 in 20 they had given me just judging by his heart defect alone. I did get measured today but they cant come up with anything really abnormal about me with those simple measurements. They tried to talk me into agreeing to extensive full body X rays after the baby is born, which they would send to some genetic bone specialist at Ceder Sinai. I'm not sure I see the point though. I guess if they figure it out .. it could save one of my cousins or future generations of people on my dad's side of the family from dealing with the same confusion. The genetics doctor asked some questions about my fertility treatments and confessed that she had recently had an IVF. She is 13 weeks pregnant. I wanted to hug her for sharing that with me. I like her and her staff quite a bit but I don't really want to go there and see them again! I had to be there once a few years ago for my recurrent loss testing results. That was actually much less pleasant than this visit. Being told that they had no idea why I kept losing my babies. The office is in a creepy basement of one of their smaller clinics. Original 1950's furniture and feels quite Orwellian.

I feel a little lighter in my heart this evening. I still worry about HIS heart. Of course I do. Genetics doc thinks its better for me to deliver at one of the local hospitals with an NICU... to be on the super safe side. I will leave this up to them to figure out and hash out with the insurance people. Just so long as they don't leave it until too late.

tick tick tock

2011-07-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

I went for the quad screen blood draw today. The lab tech was confused and had to call the out of state lab to confirm they would take a sample from somebody past 20 weeks. This lab does these tests until 24 weeks six days.

They only stabbed me 4 times to get one vial. Not bad. Genetics lady said results would be 3-4 days but my guess is that we wont have a result until next Monday. I know this is just a screening and isnt diagnostic. I know I will feel so much better if it comes back with something better than the current 1 in 20. But if its not better.. I wont know what to think. Oh how I wish I didnt have an anxiety disorder. I expect the worst by nature, by default.

But.. a baby is a baby, and hes coming. I mean it looks like I will deliver a live infant when the time comes. So I purchased a new crib, and am allowing people to bring over baby clothes, and a bassinet. Somebody gave my mom a new stroller and car seat combo still in the box. Not what I would have picked but Im not rich enough to turn my nose up at something new and functional. Im considering signing us up for birth classes and tours of the two hospitals that I can pick from.

My in laws hate the name Titus. Brian said "they are very simple people, Emily". I dont think that his name is that far out there.. but I grew up in a liberal hippy sort of small town. My friends born in the late 60's - mid 70's have names like Elfina, Orpheous, Shine, Sundance and Rainbow. I knew an Arrow, Aura, and a Pheonix.

The little ladies are still keeping me busy. Time to get them up from their nap and get cracking on cleaning and cooking for out of state company that will arrive tomorrow. My uncle the "chicken doctor" and his OB nurse wife. They are retired now. Driving all the way from LA. My auntie has hand knitted baby items for me, I will post pictures after they arrive.

Ms. Emily's wild pregnancy ride cont..

2011-07-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

The genetics lady phoned around 4 pm yesterday. We spoke for an hour. She took a detailed family history and since each of my parents has 6 siblings and nearly all of those siblings have children, it took a while. She was nice enough to phone the cardiologist and get the results of the echo, as they had only been sent to the peri and the OB. It was her feeling that with the heart defect alone, baby's chance of Downs is 5% and that the short arms and legs are curious but cant easily be factored in to the risk assessment. The reason for that is, most babies with Down syndrome have short femur and humerus bones. All of this baby's long extremity bones are short, including the tibia, fibula, radius and ulna. Her feeling is that this looks more like a mild skeletal disorder that runs on my Dad's side of the family. So.. shes having me "examined" by the medical genetics guy in her office. Brian couldn't help but laugh when I told him that I would be measured. We thought of Victorian scientists with an interesting ape skeleton with all their calipers and equipment. She told me to bring in as many of my dad's family members as possible but none of them live in town except for my older brother who seems to have normal limbs. He is coming along anyway in the interests of moral support and science. She went over the whole detailed anatomy scan from head to toe, telling me about all the soft markers that Titus does not have. That made me feel quite a bit better.

I asked about an amnio and she said that its not safe at this point in a pregnancy. Too great a risk of preterm labor and baby is too small to survive. She did ofter the second trimester blood screening. I thought it was a couple weeks too late for that but she knows of one lab out of state that will take samples as late as 24 weeks. Its pretty unusual to do one after 20 weeks but the need does arise every so often. She had a couple of questions for her supervisor about this but I will get the blood work done either today or Monday. I am 22 weeks 3 days. Her hope is that this will come back with a much lower risk of Downs than I currently have just based on the hole in his heart. If not, she suggested an amnio later in the 3rd trimester to know for sure.

Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD)

2011-07-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

The little area of concern that the peri had turned out to be fine BUT the cardiologist found a ventricular septal defect. A moderate sized hole in his little heart. Often these close up/ heal on their own, but not always. The larger they are, the less likely to close from what I understand. If it does not close it will probably require surgery when the baby is 3-5 months of age.

The main reason they sent me to the pediatric cardiologist was to totally rule out a heart defect. Short arms and legs combined with a congenital heart defect points to Down syndrome. Baby boy has no other markers for Downs.. but I'm not sure if that means a lot. We are still unwilling to do an amnio. I intend to speak to the genetics lady in the next couple of days.

This particular heart defect does occur with Downs, but it isn't the kind most commonly associated with it. It is the most common sort of heart defect for all babies, otherwise healthy or not.

The pediatric cardiologist does not want to see me again while I'm pregnant. He said they will give the baby another echo shortly after birth and see where he is at. I am free to deliver at my regular hospital (on my HMO plan) or he said he could arrange it so that my insurance would pay for me to deliver there, at the world class hospital with all the specialists. I guess I will discuss that with the peri or the OB.

This brings up that age old question.. WHY ME? These defects might be common but its still only 1 in 500. Why the shit end of the stick for me, again? I guess one can always be thankful that it isnt worse but that only goes so far.

edit to add some good news

I came home to a new mattress set today. A simmons beauty rest firm pillow top. It feels like heaven. Im prepared to say goodbye to the sacro illiac joint pain thats been waking me in the night. Nice surprise from Brian. Bless him.

The baby has a name. Titus Sebastian Holt. A strong manly name for a runty little guy with a bad heart!

home

2011-07-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

We made it back from California on Sunday morning. The drive was quite a bit longer than I had expected. The girls managed the road trip like champs.. me not so much. That much sitting hurts my back these days. A pleasant time was had by all. The middle girl is a real dare devil in the water. Little one wanted nothing to do with that f^*king lake and made it very clear. The eldest was cautious but eventually enjoyed herself. Having my parents around was a nice break for me. Some weekend very soon Brian and I will drop off the girls at their house and head to the coast for a couple of days.

I am feeling fantastic. I nasty virus/ head cold had me pretty much wiped out for several days before the trip and several days into it. Now that its gone I have more energy than Ive had for months. I want to eat everything in sight. Presently craving meatballs and mashed potato, gumbo, onion rings, watermelon, and any sort of fish stew. Lets not forget lamb kabobs.

The baby is active and has a lot of room to wriggle right now. One moment kicking the cervix and the next up near the belly button.

Tomorrow is pediatric cardiologist day. Cant say that I am looking forward to it in the slightest. My feeling is that his heart is fine. I just hate the scan and wait for specialist process. It can ruin the better part of your day and take forever.

just had to take a break to deal with the older girls' temper tantrum. Shes screaming and blubbering because I caught her lying and gave her a time out. DX emotionally disturbed, I think its getting worse instead of better. Her therapist is pretty much worthless. I do feel for her everything is a tragedy. 20 min later and she is still going strong.

I have family coming from out of town and out of state early next week so time to harness some of my new energy and get my house and yard looking decent.

Sorry for the dull post. This is about all that is going on. I will update after I see the cardiologist.

vacation

2011-06-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

I am making a last minute effort to pack up the 3 girls and myself for a 10 day camping trip at Lake Almanor in Northern California

My dad has a pontoon boat.. but quite a bit larger than the one pictured. I will spend most of my time slathered in sun screen and in some sort of make shift body tent to cover my whiteness. The girls will swim with "Grandpa". I might have mentioned before that my parents have custody of my 7 year old niece (long story) and she will be along for the trip. We leave tomorrow morning for Eugene (about 100 miles south of here). Spend the night at Dad's then get up at 4 am to leave for California by 5. We will transfer all the crap including car seats from my 7 passenger van to my dad's gigantic 15 passenger van. Step mom and niece already at the camp ground saving the spot. I reckon it will be a 6 or 7 hour drive taking the back roads and towing the boat, not to mention all the bathroom breaks i need these days. Hopefully none of the girls are car pukers. My mother used to cut a Dramamine in half . One half for me, one half for the dog and let us both sleep.
Anyway about packing. I meant to do it last week, but then was so stressed about the crumby anatomy scan that I couldn't focus. I started coming down with a rotten cold this weekend which has progressed. I spent the better part of yesterday in bed. Brian had to come home from work to mind the girls. Slightly better today. I had thought about canceling the trip but the girls have been so keyed up about it the past couple of weeks. This is a huge deal to them. Their therapist said that I should do whatever I can by the way of vacations and activities. Their parents wont have the resources to do it up this big. I will mend in a couple of days and my Dad told me I can totally veg out and he will do the child care. Sounds good to me.

Here is a recent picture.

My heart skips a beat every time I look at him. Still not real.

I will see the midwife tomorrow morning at 8 am. Not much to do at a 20 week appointment. She might comment on my weight. She didn't like it when I was losing it, and probably wont like it now that I'm packing it on. These things are supposed to be gradual. I am about 2 lbs over my prepregnancy weight. I can probably gain a maximum of 18 more as I started out a bit overweight and short. No lack of appetite anymore. No way. Last night I was dreaming of food.. Palak paneer, gumbo, spicy chicken wings. Pastry. Trying to eat well. Today I made fresh vegetable soup for myself and the girls. I'm sure I enjoyed it more than they did.

So back to the packing. Just me and the 3 year old to finish up now. Between the 4 of us we are taking 48 pair of panties and that's just the start.

bump

2011-06-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon the pernatologist's office phoned and asked if I wanted to bump up my appointment to this afternoon. It was to have taken place on Friday. I said sure, sooner the better so I hauled myself, Brian and all three girls up there. A highly skilled tech did the scan and the peri and geneticist joined us shortly after for a group discussion. They said that the heart looks fine. except they STILL cant get every image that they would have wanted because hes a stubborn fetus who likes to curl up in a ball, ass wedged against the bottom of the uterus , face down. We will see the pediatric cardiologist in 3 weeks time for an echo cardiogram, but everything should check out ok. They did say that the arms and legs are 10th percentile and arms 5th. Like I mentioned before mine were similar at birth and they made note of it on my birth record. Same for my youngest brother ( who is now 5'11). They said since Brian and I are short and there is a family history, not a huge concern but they will keep an eye on it.

I feel so much better. I will get lots more scans but that seems ok.

Oh, and my SCH was nowhere to be seen. Cervix looks good.

Anatomy scan.. not the best

2011-06-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

To get to the point, the radiologist didn't like the images they got of the heart. He said it could have been due to lack of skill on the technicians part. Just couldn't quite see what he needed to see. Could be nothing, but is enough of a concern that I need to follow up with a perinatologist on Friday. They even had the peri cancel a less urgent appointment to fit me in. They also said that the arm and leg bones are too short. But this runs in my family and when the radiologist phoned the peri he said that wasn't a concern.. just wanted better images of the heart. I had a little cry already just because I so badly wanted to leave without any worry. To feel better instead of worse.

But without further delay I will tell you that its obviously a BOY. I have to concentrate on that for the next few days. Will post pictures soon and sure to have some better ones from the peri.

Brian did it

2011-06-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

He went ahead and told our certifier that we need an end date of October 1st. In theory this could be enough time to do a transition to Dad's place. They have the room, they have the money. The girls need to be with their family.. my step mom said now we just pray that he can keep his shit together.

The certifier said that she was frankly surprised that we made it this far with my bleeding and vomiting and all the appointments. She does not seem irritated and I doubt this will affect future placements. We will be flexible if they need an extra couple of weeks into October. The reunification process has started, but they may have to speed it up a little. I'm already transporting to extra visits, and have been given permission to supervise more visits if need be. Dad has a long term girlfriend who has a 6 year old daughter. She works full time but he has a disability and stays home, so they would have a SAHD for the four of them.

The 4 year old had her last day of preschool yesterday. I cried, as did most of the other mothers. I cry pretty easily these days. We have some play dates lined up this summer.

Six days until my anatomy scan. I feel what I'm pretty sure is occasional fetal movement, but of course wish it was more frequent to reassure. I still cant wrap my mind around a living baby at the end. The second trimester did not bring much relief on that front. Maybe a good anatomy scan will do.

a bit of a pickle

2011-06-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling keeping up with the foster girls and DHS demands. More appointments being piled on for summer, rather than less. Caseworker will not return my calls or emails regarding a possible vacation in July, or really any of my emails or calls. She phoned less than 24 hours before she wanted to do her monthly home visit but to be honest these only happen every two months. Often directly before or after a court date. I am tired. As urgently as I wanted them last fall I hate to say that now I'm struggling with whether or not they need to go this fall. Where will they go? They have switched the reunification efforts from Mom to Dad, but dad isn't ready yet. It seems that only Mom's clock was ticking and that now that dad has moved state and sort of settled in town he gets a clean slate. We are pretty sure this new effort could take between 6 months and a year.

A big part of me wants them to stay until they are 100% ready to be moved. We are making such progress on speech, and delving in deeper to emotional disturbances. The 3 year old seems like a different child, gone from having the emotional maturity of an 18 month old, to being more or less on target for 3. I have done a little fancy foot work and arranged to have the two younger girls in all day federally funded preschool (head start) even though they usually require that both parents work for this all day program. I made a lot of phone calls and arranged for them all to have private speech therapy through the summer so there wont be a lag. I want to see them grow, I want to celebrate Christmas with them again. My mother is urging me to keep them as long as possible. She says it will work out somehow. I'm afraid she will be hurt or disappointed if we send them away early. The biggest concern is how they will react or adjust to yet another foster placement. This isn't fair to them.

At the same time.. I am so tired. This pregnancy has already had a bit more than its fair share of scary and stressful. I don't know whats around the corner. I worry about everyone getting their needs met. including myself, my husband and our baby (knock on wood). There are practical issues to consider. How will the infant get on any sort of schedule if we are constantly in the car taking girls to specialist appointments and therapy? How can I navigate a crowded hospital parking lot in the slush and ice with an infant, and three little kids? A part time nanny might be able to help, but wouldn't be permitted to take girls to appointments. State makes it very clear that only the foster parents can do that sort of thing. The girls already wake us up 2-4 times a night.. even more if somebody is sick and sick they are. A lot. Will I get any sleep at all? There are selfish things to take into consideration as well. This is likely to be the only baby I will ever have. I want to enjoy the month leading up to birth and prepare my house, and my mind for an infant. I want to decorate a nursery, which leads us to space consideration. There are already 5 of us in a 1000 square foot house.

I understand that I might have run into the same situation had I become pregnant via FET. That pregnancy would have happened later though, and I was under the impression during that planning time that the ladies would be back with their mother before the end of winter 2011/ 2012. This one took me by surprise.

I have already lost sleep over this and shed a few tears. My midwife thinks that they need to go in October. I know its not really her place to say but she worries about my anxiety levels. She knows that I was being treated for anxiety last year.

I want to do the right thing by everyone. I'm hoping for some clarity in the next few weeks before I have to decide for sure.

SCH follow up scan

2011-05-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

I finally had an ultrasound to check on the status of my hematoma. The ultrasound tech wouldn't say anything (kaiser says they cant but some are chatty) but I later phoned the OB advice nurse and she read the report. It seems the SCH has about doubled in size to approx 2 cm. They took lots of measurements and I will get them from the midwife when I go in next week for my 16 week appointment. Im betting that this is the last scan before the anatomy ultrasound at 19 weeks.

Facing forward, and you can see his little skull and belly. I got to see a foot. The baby is still small but I am large

not to say I wasn't chubby before becoming pregnant but honestly... my belly is nearly the same size as my sister in law's and she is 30 weeks. Strange how our bodies can be so different.

Everything else seemed to be OK in there. I have now declined ALL genetic testing. I wonder if I'm playing with fire.. but I cant deal with the stress of waiting for results. Anxiety disorder + waiting for amnio results = bad news. I'm taking my chances like my grandmothers did before me.

Our weekend break at mcmenamins edgefield was wonderful. I got my prenatal massage, walked around the grounds, ate some decent if not perfect meals and had a quick dip in the fabulous salt water soaking pool. Didn't want to cook the baby so just enough to feel good for five or ten min then out. Mom was nice enough to stay at our house and look after the girls, who in turn got to bake brownies, get their nails done, and french braids. Worked out nicely for all of us.

2011-05-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

I think I'm comfortable leaving the blog public for the time being. I thought I had maybe 20 readers but people are coming out of the woodwork and it would be nice not to have anyone excluded.

Thanks to those of you who emailed.

I just want to say a quick word about cyber bullying. It sounds really silly, and dramatic. Childish, but Ive been doing a lot of reading on the subject. It happens a lot. In chat rooms, social networking sites, message boards and blogs. Adult bullying is common in the workplace. If it happens to you, the worst thing you can do is feed it by reacting strongly. This is what the bully is after. The best thing to do is to calmly tell the bully (or bullies) that its not acceptable report it to admin or moderators and then avoid them if at all possible.

I have an ultrasound next Tuesday to see what the old SCH ended up doing. They also scheduled the anatomy scan for June 21st (the summer solstice). This seems so jinxy to me. They make it seem like no big deal at the doctor's office.

Trying to decide what to do with those embryos on ice and my box full of meds. The meds need to be donated.. they will only last about a year and its not likely at this point that I will end up using them. As for the embryos, thats a bit more tricky. Do I keep them with hope of producing a sibling in a couple of years? Do I keep them in case things go terribly wrong with my current pregnancy? Do I donate them back to the clinic, or try to reach out to somebody who has been trying to find a good batch of embies and do it private? These embryos should be very high quality. Its a rare commodity and I feel guilty sitting on them. They are mine to do whatever I like with. hmm.

its going to take a while

2011-05-14T10:16:00.001-07:00

It might take me a week or so to set up shop elsewhere.

making the blog private

2011-05-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

please email at giantsquid000@hotmail.com if you want to get an invite.

cold turkey

2011-05-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

I am a message board addict. Or at least I have been, these days I tend to binge. Ive had a particular online buddy group for several years and today I think its time to stop. Several of them are being weird about my pregnancy (only one is still trying to get pregnant) and i simply don't have the energy to deal with it. One is constantly questioning my medical care and telling me how unbelievable and odd it is that I only have 2 ultrasound pictures after all the scans I have had , I'm certain that she thinks Ive made the whole thing up.

I feel sad. Ive been in communication with these women on a nearly daily basis for years. I'm sure I can find better ways to fill my time and as far as support goes, I have the blogging community which actually saved my sanity at one time. Maybe more than once.

second trimester

2011-05-09T14:00:00.000-07:00

I am 13 weeks today. In my book this is the second trimester. I feel humbled, fearful, needy, anxious, exhausted, slack jawed with surprise (still) and slightly lucky. I have reason to believe that I still have a living fetus inside me. The still constant nausea tells me so. I was naughty and rented a medical grade Doppler, and Ive not been able to find a heartbeat. I am not worrying myself stupid though, I figure if the OB had a hard time finding it last week with her equipment and her expertise, its not shocking that I cant do it. I might send the thing back.

I'm unable to be too wrapped up in my pregnancy because I have this full time 24 hour job taking care of three very demanding children. They don't demand much for themselves, but their needs demand constant action. I wake up and have to put my best food forward every single day, like it or not. I just fired one social worker who was from an outside agency trying to get even more services for the girls. She was pushy and condescending. DHS gave me their full blessing in telling her to buzz off. Their caseworker told me that saying no sometimes is a good way to take care of myself. We are very much looking forward to summer. This spring has been wintry and dreary. Maybe 2 days of weather over 60 F. Ive got delightful summer clothes boxed up for the ladies. Been shopping around for swing sets,, maybe a kiddie pool and a sand pit. Our neighborhood is full of young families, so there is always something going on at the park on a summer afternoon. My goal is to decrease all services to the bare minimum and just have fun.

12 week OB appointment

2011-05-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

It went fine. Well.. she couldn't find the heart beat on the Doppler and I started hyperventilating so the doc ran and got her crappy portable ultrasound machine.. and yet again (Ive lost track of how many times I have been scanned) the baby was exactly has he should be. This time awake and so wiggly! He was really going for it today and she couldn't get a good image. I was unable to talk her into another ultrasound in the radiology dept. She said that even if we look at the SCH, it wont make any difference. The anatomy scan will check out the placenta but that isn't for at least 6 weeks.

Fingers crossed that the drama IS over for the time being. I feel like celebrating!

better

2011-05-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

the bleeding has almost totally let up. I get a little spot of brown every morning and maybe a microscopic bit when I wipe during the day. I wont be surprised if I get a final gush at some point so I have to wear a pad to brace myself for that event. My OB said I can get out of bed and resume normal activity, but to rest if the bleeding gets worse with activity. She wont let me see the perinatologist! well she said that they cant do anything for me right now, but I feel that I deserve to have this thing monitored. At least to see if the SCH is growing larger or shrinking. Tuesday is my 12 week OB appointment and the last one with this particular doctor. Im going to see a midwife in her practice starting at 16 weeks and she told me before any of this started, that she would refer me to a peri whenever I like. This lady had several miscarriages and is very understanding. My goal is to talk the OB into a proper ultrasound in the radiology department in the next week or so. This isnt the time for them to get cheap or treat me like I am being paranoid.

Im still feeling quite sick and instead of being a big drag, its actually pleasing to me. I know you can be sick and still miscarry but I think its less likely.

If there are fetal heart tones on Tuesday i am going public with this pregnancy. A facebook announcement seems a little vulgar but everyone who has to know already knows and I dont want any of them outing me before Im totally ready. Brian wanted to wait til 20 weeks. A part of me who wants to embrace this and enjoy it. Being a member of the infertility club makes you feel like a real misfit when youre pregnant. Im not a happy skippy pregnant lady planning my baby moon and buying stuff at babies r us. Not at all. I think that abject terror is one way to describe some of the last week of my life, but there is also some amount of joy.

2011-04-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

This is from my ipod so will have to be short. Yesterday i was at a local hospital taking one of the girls to see a specialist. I sneezed and felt as though all my insides fell out. Ran to the bathroom and beld clots soaking my underwear and pants blood running everywhere had to tell the child that the baby was "falling out". I flagged down a passing doctor inthe hall who phoned the emergency dept. A nurse came to collect me in a wheelchair. I had them take my foster daughter to the nurses station so i could get out of my bloody clothes. I proceded to bleed all over the floor and was sobbing. Nice nurse got me cleaned up and into a gown. My brother lived nearby and was summoned to take the child to his house.my mom arrived and they gave me a shot of morphine to sedate me for the ultrasound. Once again the baby was alive! The tech found a small sub chorionic hematoma. The prognosis for this pregnancy is still decent. You have no idea how much blood... I thought i would need a transfusion. They think the hemmorage bled out. Im on bedrest now.

waiting for blood work- now with update

2011-04-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

having wonky hcg levels has been my first indicator of failing pregnancy 2 times. Each time i have had to wait in a stuffy OB waiting room to get the results, and they have been given to me by an advice nurse, who has glibly stated that I will likely soon miscarry. Today I have the advantage of getting news from the OB. I still have to get my blood drawn and wait a couple of hours at the hospital.

At this point they wouldn't normally be messing with hcg levels, but with threatened abortion they check them to get a broader picture of what is going on.

The reason this bleed has shaken my confidence so much is that historically, all is not well even after seeing heart beat post bleed. What happens is I have a big bleed, it clears up and then fetal demise a week or two later. I know that this baby is bigger and hopefully stronger than the others. My feeling is that my embryos have an attachment issue. Assuming that we have a live baby today, I'm going to ask for an ultrasound with the perinatologist. Ive been told they have some fancy equipment, and I would like to look for a possible SCH.

Ill be back to update this post at around 4pm pacific.

In the meantime I'm battling this crippling constipation.. still. I haven't had a proper movement in 5 days and it turns you into a freak because all you can think about is shitting! Ive tried fiber, stool softener, fresh fruit and raw veg, apple sauce, fluids, prunes, prune juice, exercise, and glycerin suppositories, with almost nothing to show for it. I am very much afraid that I will have to have the "obstruction" removed/ loosened up by the doctor. How unpleasant is that?!? I blame the zofran and have stopped taking it.

the update.. we found the heart beat on a Doppler today. This is the first time for me, so its a milestone of sorts. Never made it far enough to not have to bust out the ultrasound machine. Ive been gagging and puking.. something is going right in there! I just HATE HATE HATE seeing blood. Dr. said it could have been an SCH. shes not going to order another ultrasound unless there is another bleed. she suggested milk of magnesia for the stop up.. I do hope it works!

Big Bleed

2011-04-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

I started gushing bright red blood yesterday afternoon, about 4pm. No spotting or cramping leading up to it, just blood running down my legs and everywhere. I screamed. Brian had to take the children out to the back garden. An ambulance was called and arrived in record time. I took the first ambulance ride of my life all alone while Brian stayed home with the girls. The EMT's were very nice, but not very good at venipuncture. They couldn't get an IV into my hands and they dug and dug. I am a "hard stick" I admit, but these guys... just awful. I threatened a smack and they left me alone until we arrived at the hospital. The benefit of arriving to the emergency room by ambulance and not by car .. you get a room right away. Last time I presented at this same hospital with threatened miscarriage, I had to wait SEVEN HOURS to be seen. A kindly house keeper brought me a commode and stood over me while I peed and bled into it for a while. I had no less than 3 additional health care professionals try to get IV's in and blood samples from me. They finally had to call in a venipuncture specialist from the hospital and a phlebotomist. The charge nurse had no luck. I lost count at 6 stabs but my arms are all bruised and sore. After they finally got these things accomplished the nurse catheterized me to get a clean urine sample and the 12 year old resident doctor made his appearance. He wasn't 12.. but perhaps a young 27. I did ask for an OB but they told me not on Easter weekend. Ghost staff at the hospital and mine wasn't on call. The resident gave me a pelvic exam and took some swabs. Found a good sized clot in my vagina and removed it. I asked about my cervix, and he said that the cervical os was closed. I asked what this means and he said it probably meant that I had already miscarried and it had closed back up! what a ding dong!! I explained that i would have certainly bled longer than a couple of hours if miscarrying a nearly 11 week fetus. I had high hopes of being sent to ultrasound to get a good look in there and check for a source of the bleed.. but that was not to be. An hour or so later he dug up a dusty old portable machine with no vaginal probe. The doctor reckoned we wouldn't be able to see much with the abdominal transducer.. but the very moment he put it on my skin the gestational sac was visible, and the bub AND his little heartbeat. My urine tested clean and my HCG was 140,000 which is on target for how far along I am. I have had no cramping and am still feeling quite sick to my stomach.

And of course now we wait and see. Threatened abortion. Brian is taking a few days off of work.. more if the OB prescribes bed rest. I suggested to Brian that the girls go into shelter care for a few weeks while I resolve this one way or the other but he said over his dead body. I will get another beta tomorrow and see the OB either then or Tuesday.

please think a good thought for us. I am so weary of everything having to do with pregnancy loss. I told the admitting nurse at hospital that I might end up a psychiatric patient before this is all over, and she thought I was joking. I don't think its funny.

fish tank

2011-04-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

I had an awful dream last night. I went in for an ultrasound and it showed that my uterus had turned into a moldy old fish bowl. Complete with floating dead fish and lots of algae. Even one of those little pirate skeletons with the treasure chest. No fetus to be seen. Dr. didnt seem too surprised.

10 weekish

2011-04-18T15:36:00.000-07:00

today is either 9w6 or 10w depending on which ultrasound you want to say is the correct one. Im not sure either is terribly correct. I had a quick "fetal heart tones" check with the midwife this morning. Shes a lovely lady, and is going to be my new provider starting in two weeks. The heart was beating as it should. Not too much else to say. Ive been ill, lost 5 lbs in a week. They have prescribed zofran I am a bit reluctant to take it but nothing else seems to work.

Live baby check = ok

2011-04-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

I had my first prenatal appointment today. OB wasnt worried about my brown spotting. I tried to talk her out of the pap and pelvic but she rolled her eyes and did it anyway. She didnt see any blood in there, but admited to nicking me at some point during the exam. So I will certainly bleed some more. I got the reward of a short ultrasound afterwards, and the bub appeared to be alive and well.

They dont plan to give me another ultrasound for 4 weeks. I could hardly make it two days, I might have to take issue with the OB over this one. I want another quick one in a week or so.

spotting

2011-04-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

Ive been spotting brown blood since last night. its light. I know bleeding and spotting CAN be ok in early pregnancy. Its never been ok for me though. The midwife did say on friday, that I could spot a bit after my vaginal ultrasound. I never have before, but I suppose its possible. I despise "keeping an eye on it". I hate "we will have to wait and see". I had a good cry this morning.

sick and fine

2011-04-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

The ultrasound really was a quicky. Nurse midwife was very sympathetic, and told me she had 4 miscarriages before she had her children. The embryo measured 8w4d. Last Friday it was at 7w3. We feel as reassured as possible. I have a picture, but the machine is so low res it just looks like a blob. A blob that is considerably larger than it was last week.

I am sick. Queasy has progressed to trying to avoid vomiting morning, noon, and night. I am so tired.
And I'm not complaining, I'm glad. But still sick and frightened and responsible for 3 little ones. My mom left yesterday evening after helping me out for 24 hours. She is still working though so might not be able to do this again for a while. I am prepared to tell social services that I need help, if it comes down to it. Either respite or help with transport to appointments and such. Or just tell them that I am taking a month off from driving them around all day.

The midwife has prescribed vitamin D, anti gas meds, fish oil, and algae supplements. She has also ordered a bunch of blood work, thinks i am at increased risk of gestational diabetes because of my weight, age, and family history. I go in tomorrow to get my blood sugar, iron, and vitamin D levels checked. Finally get to meet my very own OB on Monday morning. Ive been told I can refuse the pap because I am at low risk for cervical cancer. Im not sure what she will have to add to what the midwife already told me. I do enjoy having a "team" of health professionals rooting for me and fussing over me.

mental state

2011-04-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

not so great. I have an ultrasound in the morning, and almost expect to find a heart that stopped beating. I would give anything not to think like that.. but this is what has always taken place. Brian will go with me.. its first thing in the morning so at least I wont have all day to fret over it.

here is a list of reasons to hope for the best

1. Ive felt far worse with this pregnancy than any of my others, horrible gas, sour stomach, the feeling of having been run over with a cement mixer. The occasional gag and wave of sickness.

2. That healthy heartbeat. i know I have seen one before, but it is still a good sign for any pregnancy.

3. even people with unexplained RPL stand a decent chance of going to term with each pregnancy.

Here are the reasons it could be doomed

1. all the others have been
2. I had some cramping last night that was bad enough to wake me (could have been gas)
3. that early bleed
4. As far as I can work out, I must be measuring 4-5 days behind.. as far as possible conception date goes.

7 weeks 3 days

2011-04-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

Or so the doctor says. I have no idea when/ how this happend. It hardly matters. Its still scary with my history. doctor reckons I must have ovulated late into my jan/ feb cycle and then had a heavy early bleed. there is no more bleeding, cervix looks good. heart rate 164. I asked if it was possible that this is more like a 9 week conception that is failing, she said not with the way it looked and the healthy heartbeat.

I go in next friday for another ultrasound with a midwife. I have an appointment with the OB on the 14th.

no news

2011-03-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

Just waiting for my ultrasound on Friday. 5 weeks is a bit early to image a gestational sac, but that is what I am hoping for. The OB does not have the fancy equipment that the RE has. the RE charges 300 dollars per ultrasound. The OB is free (well, I pay my insurance premium). I guess I will have an ultrasound weekly until they figure out what is going on.

The new OB wrote and told me she thinks I have a 60% chance of this being a normal gestation and going to term. Its kind of her. They are supposed to be supportive.

I feel ok. Pregnant. My digestive system has seen better days. Not vomiting but ugh,, burping and heartburn. Im tired a lot but Brian is picking up some slack around the house. My mom came over last night to feed the girls and get them ready for bed.

I will update on Friday!

frank sinatra and count basie, luck be a lady

2011-03-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

Luck be a lady

2011-03-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

They call you lady luck but there is room for doubt
at times you have a very un-lady-like
way of running out

I can't expend the mental and physical energy needed to be negative about this pregnancy. So until proven otherwise , I'm pregnant and intend to enjoy it. I have read some very encouraging stories whilst playing doctor Google. I am holding off on the ultrasound until I am sure that they can image something meaningful. Maybe two weeks from tomorrow, maybe a little sooner. I will have to confirm that plan with the new OB.

i feel OK. my nerves got shot over the past couple of days but I think I can rally. I have to keep it together in order to care for these special needs foster kids.

but of course.. crap news

2011-03-25T19:35:00.000-07:00

my beta was 5,830 . Im only about 14 dpo. this of course is making them think "molar pregnancy".

What are the chances,, 1 in 1000. Who is likely to have this happen to them? Why me, of course! I dont know how Im going to get through the next two weeks without a trip to the psych ward.

You will never guess...

2011-03-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

I ordered my meds today from Walgreen's speciality pharmacy. They cost 1200 dollars and are non refundable under any circumstances. They will be delivered tomorrow morning.

I also took a pregnancy test this evening because I had a teeny weeny bit of spotting at the wrong time in my cycle. The spotting stopped a few days ago, and I am super duper pregnant. I have never seen pregnancy tests so positive in all my days. I took 4 of them including a digital. I have no idea when I ovulated but had that follicle measuring 14 on cd 10. must have been like cycle day 13.. 14. Im now on cd 26.

Life is pretty fucking weird.

Edit to add that I had intercourse only once this cycle, on day 12.

consult and saline ultrasound

2011-03-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

We did our required psychiatric consultation on Monday. Out late the night before for my 35th Birthday, then a zoo field trip with the middle girl's preschool. Brian took the day off of work for all of that.. little one joined us at the zoo. Pretty beat by the time we got them back, and drove across town again for the psych. My brother babysat, which was very helpful. The consultation was grueling and sad and I hated it. I liked the doctor well enough, her questions were thorough and pointed, but she seemed to think it was some sort of profound revelation to note "this is all still so raw". No kidding? Ive been trying for a baby for about 5years. Ive lost many potential children. This is always going to be a little raw. I hate feeling like my grief and suffering are a character flaw. She said she would write us a favorable report.

I hired a sitter off of craigslist for my Tuesday morning ultrasound. She checked out well, shes a young mother who lives in the neighborhood and has a 3 year old. She is studying to be a midwife. Anyhow, its nice to know her and we think we can do some childcare trade. The sono was more painful than i thought it would be, whenever I have a catheter up in there I cramp. Maybe I will have to ask the RE for extra Valium for my transfer. felt better after she actually put the saline in, nice and cool. My uterus looks "perfect" and my lining was 8 on cd 10. I had a good looking follie on my right side (14). WTF? Ive been told I barely ovulate if at all, and while I suppose its possible that I gear up to do so and then everything just sort of craps out .I'm really interested to know what my progesterone would look like this cycle.. mid luteal phase. This was the first time I had a follicle check on a non medicated cycle, to be honest it looked as good or better than the one monitored Femara cycle I did. The best news was that my uterus looks so good. Couldn't be better, they said. I wonder how they judge these things. I had been so worried about scar tissue from my many d&cs. Still a couple of appointments to take care of but hopefully we will be on track to start BCP after my next period. The legal paper work is all taken care of, notarized and sent off.

A bit of drama going on with the girls, reunification to be in full swing in the next month or so. Meanwhile, their medical problems get worse. Middle girl in and out of hospital this past week, many sleepless nights for me. I worry that if she is returned to the low IQ, medically neglectful mother, that she will actually die. All I can do is tell her lawyer and say it in court if need be. Social workers are coddling and hand holding the mom.. this is the hardest part of foster parenting, I imagine. I give them a 90% chance of being back in care within a year of reunification.

matched and waiting

2011-02-23T14:29:00.000-08:00

We have chosen the embryos. There are seven of them, frozen in 2006. The eggs came from a 21 year old donor, cheerleader type from what I can tell. I got a fairly extensive profile for her, same one the donor family got when they were looking for an egg donor I suppose. female donor has blond hair and blue eyes, male donor brown/ hazel. No family medical history of concern. Female donor has a congenital heart defect, but its not genetic. The male donor is 5'5, female is 5'2. This batch as resulted in 2 live births. The original fresh cycle, and a FET a couple years later for the donating couple. I'm hoping that the remaining embies are decent quality, and that we get a couple to survive the thaw. These are probably the best quality embryos I can get my hands on, short of a fresh donor egg cycle. I will get the saline ultrasound a few days into my next cycle. My period is due next week. I have an appointment on the first of March for a pap and pelvic, and my new OB was nice enough to squeeze in all the infectious disease blood work (mind is 2 years old) and hormone tests that the New RE wants. My HMO says they wont pay for this blood work but the OB's there are sympathetic, and try to code things to slip past billing. This should save me about 600 dollars. Brian and I have an appointment on the 7th of March to get the psych consult done. NRCM wants a "report" from a psychologist who has experience with couples doing 3rd party reproduction. Shes never met anyone using donor EMBRYOS but that's not a great surprise, as there are no clinics in this state that do it. She does however know a great deal about surrogacy, sperm & egg donation. The coordinator says that I should be able to start birth control pills with my next period. We could cycle as early as April, but probably not until May. My grandmother used to own a condo at Lake Taho, and I know that area is beautiful, but Im not sure about Reno. It has a reputation of being a seedy gambling town. All of the hotels I have looked at appear flea bitten and past their prime. I think most of my time will be spent resting at the hotel. A few days away from the kids and all the chaos with DHS. My mom and brother will stay with the girls.

Oh, I mentioned the new OBGYN. Mine has become a hospitalist (whatever that is) and is no longer seeing her patients. Nobody told me. I actually cried when I found out. This woman has been through all of this crazy stuff with me, and I'm not sure how I can build that level of trust with a new doctor. My old OB had promised weekly ultrasounds in her office, should I become pregnant again. She was sympathetic, and thas is a rare commodity in the world of infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss.

The days go fast with 3 little girls at home. I can hardly keep up with my housework, even though I am a "stay at home mom". We are not at home very much. We have an average of 4 appointments a week, plus back and forth from preschool, play dates etc. I took the little one to lunch today, we like to do this while her sisters are at school. She ate pork wonton soup with Chinese greens, fried shrimp, and broccoli beef. Oranges and fortune cookie for afters. She pronounced the whole meal to be "yummy tummy", much to the delight of the matronly Chinese lady who runs the place. She got a pat on the head for that. Some days we go to the library. She is totally daytime potty trained as of last week. No coincidence that it was the middle girl's first full week of preschool. I simply had more time to devote to the little one and her needs. It is all working out pretty well, there is talk of reunification with mom, but that is a post for another day.

2011-02-15T08:29:00.000-08:00

I wish Panamahat was here to help me micro manage this cycle a bit. She is good at it. Im still a bit green when it comes to more advanced treatments. I will have to update my infectious disease screening with my OB, and a pap and pelvic. Today I have been pricing out the cost of a saline ultrasound. Who knew it would be more expensive than the HSGs they have given me? im looking at paying about 600 dollars out of pocket, just to get some water squirted in my uterus. It's so weird calling aroung about this, looking for a bargain. Probably easiest just to do it with my RE, even if it costs a bit more than the imaging center across town.

The middle girl started preschool today. Shes a ray of sunshine, and I will miss her in the afternoons. Now I get to spend more quality alone time with the little one. we had a quick lunch out and then the library. She has her own card and we checked out some movies ( we have hundreds of books).

The lady at NCRM is sending the extended profiles for the embryos FED EX.. today. They should be here tomorrow!

Have any of you ever done a FET? What was the medication protocol, if you dont mind sharing?

the list

2011-02-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

I got the list of available embryos yesterday. There are seven batches to consider. Two are off the list, simply because the male partner is asian. I wouldnt mind giving birth to a baby of any race, but Brian thinks it would make the whole thing more complicated. Our first choice.. the male partner was in his 40's at the time of the freeze, the egg came from a 22 year old egg donor. This is what I wanted so heres to hoping we can get those embies. both the male and female donor are quite short, like Brian and myself. there is also a stipulation that the receiving couple live outside of Nevada, so I think that gives us a good chance of being selected for these. The batch contains seven embryos, unknown quality at this point. there are decent second and third choices. I will update after we get matched.

we figured it out

2011-02-09T11:32:00.000-08:00

I took out a 0% apr (for 12 months) credit card. We will pay half cash, and put the rest of the card, and just pay it off before intrest kicks in next year. brian is fine with it, but he says this is it. Failing this Demb cycle, we wont be trying any additional fertility treatments. He wants to give adoption through the state another few years though, and see how it works out. hes willing to do some more foster placments, Ive decided our next placement will only be what they call "legal risk". where they are fairly certain that parental rights will be terminated. The consultation yesterday went ok, at first the doctor said no, but then reconsidered after I reminded him that I not only have a recurrent pregnancy loss problem, but infertlity troubles too.

bump in the road.. is anyone surprised?

2011-02-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

Brian and I did our taxes Friday evening. At H&R block, where we go every year because I cant be arsed to do them myself, and the whole thing frightens Brian. In England, they just take your money and that is that, no tax filing, as far as I know. My Employer withheld plenty of state tax, but almost no federal. I worked there for nearly a year, so I should have noticed on my pay stub at some point, but who really looks at those things? This has resulted in our tax return being less than half of what we needed it to be, what its been in all the years since we bought a house and started paying interest through the nose. This money was slated for the embryo donation. We dont have the cash to do it otherwise. So i still have my consult with the good doctor in Reno tomorrow morning, but what happens after that well... Brian said we will have to see where we are at in six months time.

I hate having no prospects. We arent going to adopt these girls, and Im already growing weary of coparenting with the state. We cant even get their hair cut without permission from their Mother. I think we will continue to foster in the future, but with "easier" placements. A single infant, maybe a toddler.

I am going to spend the next 6 months getting as healthy as possible. I dont know for certain that I have bad egg quality, its just an educated guess. the scale is down to 133 lbs. Im going to say 25 to go.

2011-02-01T14:00:00.000-08:00

The transport is ALMOST taken care of. I dont really want to go into what I had to do to get it done, but suffice to say it was a pain in the ass from start to (almost) finish.

I took the girls to my Dad's house in the country last weekend. where we took advantage of some rain free days, walks and wagon rides to see the cows and look for the fox across the street. My dad and stepmom have custody of my 6 year old niece, Tatyana. She very much enjoyed the company of all three girls. I imagine it gets a bit lonely for her, living with two people nearing 60.

NCRM was a bit slow in getting my paper work to me in a format I could use, so I had to push my consult back to a week from today. No big deal. Right now, I am procrastinating.. should be phoning my RE to ask how he feels about monitoring my cycle before I fly to Reno, and also get my records sent over. Im afraid hes going to say no because we had a bit of a spat the other week, which ended in him finally agreeing to do injects/ IUI, after I accused him of only wanting to treat people who are paying for IVF. His first choice for me has always been donor egggs, Im hoping he will be excited and get on board for this Demb cycle, because it seems to be its the obvious second best choice. There are no clinics in Oregon with a donor embryo program proper, just two that have done it once or twice with a known donor. Im not sure if it has to do with Oregon law, but it seems like nobody here wants to touch it. No mattter, as NCRM has great stats and I have personally been in touch with several women who are currently pregnant after treatment there. Anyhow, I need my RE to monitor my uterine lining, Im guessing perhaps hormone levels as well (although I think my OB could do the second bit, and insurance would pay). I dont know what all is involved with a FET, but Im sure to be reading up on it soon.

I must clean the house before the elder girl returns from school, and the little ones wake from their naps.

2011-01-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

Good news, the weight loss is happening. Down 4 lbs, give or take a pound in water weight.

Bad news, Ive been having a hell of a time figuring out how to get both older girls to school. The middle one has finally been excepted into Head Start. This is a big deal this time of year as they are usually full and expected that she wouldnt get in til this coming fall. I hounded them, and they happend to have a spot in an afternoon class. Her class gets out at 3.15, as does her sister's Kindergarten, which is located about 6 miles (and lots of traffic congestion away). 6 miles in the country is nothing, 6 miles in the city can be awful. The state had said apon placement, that they would transport the elder girl in the interest of keeping her in the same kindergarten that she has attended since fall. This is out of district, not just another school. DHS has not been able to set up any transport, even though they said it would just take a week or two. We are now going on 2 months with no satisfaction. I cant be two places at once.. UGH. Caseworker is bent on keeping her at her school, Im saying its just not feasable. No other foster parent is expected to transport out of district.

Anyhow, the lawyer is involved, the branch manager is involved, and I am STILL doing all the transport, which includes loading the little ones in and out of the car an extra 8 times a day. if you have ever had to get two toddlers and one 5 year old in and out of a car, in traffic parked in the street, you will know what a hassle this is. Middle girl starts preschool on the 10th, and all I can say is things better be worked out by then.

Apart from all that, things are going pretty well.

I have a phone consult with an RE in Reno, Nevda next Thursday. Im thinking May for a FET using donor embryos. GULP... but brian is on board. I feel that within our means, this has to be the best way to get a live baby. Even if we have to try it a few times. We are still grappling with the loss of the bio child dream, but I feel that being pregnant and giving birth will go a long way towards that not really being a big deal, in the long run.

EDIT to add that Mexico is still not totally out of the picture, but it will be less expensive and possibly more productive to try with donor embie first. Ive been waffling all over the place on this, but things are now falling into place.

family

2011-01-14T11:18:00.000-08:00

My sister in law is pregnant. Again. My niece is turning two in a few days. Because she lives in England, I wont have to see her all the time getting larger, and plumper, and smugger. This is a small blessing. She already has my inlaws caring for her toddler full time while she works, so I imagine this will tie them down a bit further, this means no visits to the states. Thats a risk we took when we decided not to live in the UK, but still stinks a bit. Our foster children are a curiosity, but their grandchild is the light of their lives, and I just wish we could have produced that kind of joy for our parents. This has been one of the hardest parts of infertility for me, not being able to provide grandchildren. My parents would be just as thirlled with an adopted child, but I think that is looking less and less likely. ive been invited to attend an adoptive parent support meeting, with a special DHS guest speaker who is pretty much there to tell us how the laws have changed, and how nearly impossible it is to adopt through the state these days. Brian's parents would have a hard enough time attaching to a child they will hardly ever see, even if it was biologically connected with them. An adopted child,, well I can see them not being too excited.

The girl's brother who is due to be born at any time, has been matched with a private adoptive family. I spent an hour and a half on the phone with the social worker yesterday, a lot of interesting info but no answers as to what is going to become of these girls. Their mother's mental health eval has been completed and she is a pretty sick chicky. She thinks they will still be here this summer. I asked if we can take them out of the country. England is off the menue with that many travelers, due to the cost of tickets but Mexico.. maybe we will go to mexico again. There was a court hearing yesterday for the girls, but nobody came with enough paper work so they have sched. another one in a months time. Their bio dad actually made it all the way from Arizona to be present for that court hearing. He is talking of moving to Portland, but is on probation in AZ. the social worker suspects him of being a pedophile, and she says no way hes getting the girls. Great. There is a great grandmother on the paternal side who is the best hope right now. They try that hard to have family adopt, that they will even give the children to people who are quite elderly.

Been on the phone with my RE he is finally on board 100% for an IUI with injects, but the question is still whether or not thats the best use of our money. Brian has discussed embryo donation again, once he really grasped how much a private adoption costs. He is also still talking about Guadalajara, whatever happens, it will take place this summer. The next attempt. In the meantime, Im saying it right here.. Im going to lose some weight. I must lose some weight, Im heavier than I have ever been. I am 5'2 and weighing in at 140 lbs. i have a teeny tiny frame and I look big. my face is fat, my thighs are huge. My gut is looking 6 months pregnant and Im tired of that. I am certainly an apple shape. so the diet starts today. I would like to get down to my highschool/ early 20's weight of 100 pounds. before you tell me that is too skinny, I have to assure you that I wasnt skinny at that weight. I still had 34 D sized breasts and a little padding, Im just built small. Wish me luck and willpower.

2010-12-20T15:04:00.000-08:00

The girls have been here for nearly a week. I have hardly had a moment to shower or use the bathroom. Im transporting the eldest to and from school, out of district and it's a PITA. I have a list of no less than 13 providers, and last Friday, my phone rang 22 times. Most calls regarding appointments or information for the girls. Things have been going well. The older one is emotional, and that is to be expected. All are well behaved, and eager to please. All are developmentally behind, we had a sort of group therapy session with their psychologist today. The eldest goes once a week, the others every other week. We had a birthday party for the little one yesterday. She is now 3. Her sister turns 4 on the 29th.

Friends, family, and perfect strangers have been amazing about helping out for Christmas. I have only had to purchase a few items, and the girls are going to have a very merry Christmas indeed. Children's services is going to throw a party for all foster children on the 22nd. Their Mother will be there, and my mom (the social worker mom) is driving all the way to Portland to go with us.Each girl has a sparkly new holiday dress for the occasion. The social worker is on vacation, and they have asked me to semi supervise the visit, my Mom thinks this is a bad idea, since I have never met the mother before, she she is tagging along to keep an eye on things. In general I am happy but anxious, exhausted and excited. There are not enough hours in the day and the mountain of laundry in the utility room grows ever more gigantic. I should probably go tend to it now, before it explodes.

More soon.

2010-12-09T16:19:00.000-08:00

I actually managed to get a good chunk of that done yesterday. I have a parent teacher conference with the kindergarten teacher tomorrow at 1.30pm. the social worker and the speech pathologist will be there as well. I have a booster seat, but will have to get Brian to set it up. The rain is coming down in a torrent and we have no garage, so he is likely to get fairly wet doing that. Streets starting to flood a bit. I slipped in the mud last night and hurt my hand and shoulder. My one good shoulder that does not have tendinitis in it. I feel like such an old lady. I got another container to store the toys, the diapers and hair things. Did you know that a package of 56 girls pullups is 21 dollars!?! Im looking to buy some old school plastic training pants. It seems that the little one is still in regular diapers, so Im guessing shes not potty training at all. She turns 3 next week. I think that now is the time, and I have to say that Im pretty good at potty training girls. Speaking of peeing pants, Ive been so excited that I feel like I could. I can hardly imagine a nicer Christmas present for me. I know its selfish, because I know this is a dreadful time of year to move the girls. They see their Mother every Friday, and will do so tomorrow. Then they are coming here! We are to serve them dinner and drive them home. They will be here from 4:30 to 6:30.
It seems that the girl's current foster parents got their court appointed lawyer invovled yesterday (girls lawyer) and the caseworker had to spend some time convincing her that it is the right thing to do. Lawyer is on DHS's side now.

Ive been in contact with one particular clinic in Guadalajara. I sent some basic info to the doc. This could be a trip for summer of 2011. We will see how long the girl's stay. Im pretty set on an IVF at this point, but still debating a mini IVF or saving for a regular one. Even if I miscarry again, I will be able to say that I did everything in my power to give Brian a child. And hopefully have some peace, of some kind in 2012. Embryo donation is not yet totally off the menu, its just not going to happen anytime soon.

Anyone have an idea of what I should serve the girls for dinner tomorrow? Something safe like chicken nuggets and fries? Pizza? I dont want to feed them junk right away, but I want them to be able to relax and enjoy their meal without worrying if they dont like it.

The Devil is in the details

2010-12-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

Ive started making a list of things that either need to be done in order to prepare for the arrival of the girls, and things that I must not forget to do once they get here.

1. purchase child sized bed pillows and pillow cases (dont forget plastic mattress cover for larger bed)
2. purchase and install a booster seat in the van for the eldest
3. toiletries.. shampoo, detangler, brushes and combs, ribons, bows and hair ties, teeth cleaning implements, body wash etc.
4. pull up diapers for the middle one to wear at night, and the youngest to use all the time. flushable wipes.
5. some more storge containers for toys.
6. figure out how the school bus is going to transport the eldest, from out of district. (I already bugged the social worker about this, so hopefully its being seen to)
7. make appointment to meet with the kindergarten teacher.
8. try to get their pediatrician on the phone to ask general questions about their asthma, and health.
9. see how we can get on the list for the middle girl to go to Head Start
10. figure out when all of their appointments are
12. grocery shopping for kids
13. get a general idea of what the two younger ones might like to do for their December birthdays.
14. Try not to think about their infant sibling too much.

To be continued....

a date with three girls..

2010-12-03T23:07:00.000-08:00

Brian and I have a play date with the girls set up for next Friday. They will visit with us at our house for a few hours. Then on Saturday, we will go to their current foster home. Sunday they have a farewell party with their foster family, and Monday they come here. It seems a little truncated, the transition. But I can live with it, I just hope their little hearts dont break again. Its a damn shame that they have to be shuttled around.

The caseworker said today, that she wants to speak with me more about fostering their infant sibling after mom gives birth in late jan/ early feb. That would make for an awful full house. Of course I want the newborn here. I guess we will just let it play out. Its totally possible that mom will split the state.

Guadalajara

2010-12-03T09:03:00.000-08:00

Considering the cost of IUI with injects here in Portland (probably around 2500 dollars per cycle) I started thinking, maybe I want to do IVF instead. Ive been looking at clinics in Guadalajara, Mexico. They have many US and UK trained RE's, who speak English. I love the state of Jalisco and have always wanted to venture inland from the coast. So my feelers are out, Im making calls. Asking around on message boards, been in contact with one couple from the UK that has done this, another from the US. A regular IVF with nothing fancy like PGD or donor eggs, would cost at least 15 thousand dollars where I live. A regular IVF in Mexico would cost anywhere from 3-6 k depending on the clinic. They are also offering a mini IVF, which has appealed to me. They mostly stimulate with clomid, and throw in a few shots. Try to get one or two goood eggs out of it, and transfer. Pregnancy rates a bit lower, but still higher than what I could expect with a donated embryo FET. To consider all of this, I have to ignore the RPL demon sitting on my right shoulder and whispering that I will just miscarry anyhow. That my eggs are all rotten. For my family, coming up with 4 thousand dollars and travel expenses, is still a LOT of money. This is a huge risk and I have to weigh it all very carefully and begin to squirrel away the cash.

the same

2010-12-02T14:35:00.000-08:00

Still waiting. The current foster family has been informed, and they are freaking out. Two social workers are going early next week to explain more about why the girls are being removed, and how they will be transitioning them. You would think this would be normal part of foster parenting. Some situations just are not a good match. A little more foresight might have prevented this from happening but thats not certain.

So now they say start transition the week of the 13th. I can live with that, but will be awful irritated if we wait for over a month all told, only to have it fall through in the end.

A change of heart

2010-11-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

I decided to have a nice long think and try to get to the bottom of why I have been so angry and anxious lately. Im angry because I am anxious. I am anxious because I have no control over whats happening right now. No control over Brian being wishy washy about embryo donation. No control over when they place kids in my house. I have given up my job to be a foster mother, but most of my time has been spent waiting. I think its reasonable that I am a little on edge about this. My next thought was, what can I do? I can run everything past Brian. And I did. He is a bit anxious and uncertain himself. He confirmed that he is just not feeling an embryo donation attempt. He wants another shot at a bio child.

Im going to speak to Dr. B (RE) about an IUI with inject cycle or two for this spring. I know we havnt had much luck with our own genetic material. I know that its a long shot, even getting pregnant this way. So far they havnt been keen on my doing IUI with injects, because of the cost, and because its not any sort of treatment for RPL, not to mention that I was responding fairly well to oral meds. It seems that at this late date, after years of trying and so many failed medicated cycles that its reasonable to ask for gonadotropins. I still feel that if pregnant, I stand a decent chance of carrying to term. I know adopting a few little embryos is a much safter way to hedge our bets, but Brian just isnt there quite yet. Embryo donation is something that can be done in a year, or in 5 years. Im still only 34. I have to keep telling myself that lots of women have babies in their late 30's and early 40's. My Grandmother's each had a baby in their 40's. In fact my paternal grandma got married at 28. Her first child (Henry) was born still. A year later, she gave birth to boy girl twins, then proceded to have 5 more children.

I think part of my anger has been coming from having to except that this is still a process. That my chances of a quick fix faded a long time ago. I just have to do what I can, and that is all I can do. I gotta except that I could still be childless, and trying for years to come. If I didnt want this so bad, I would have already given up.

Rage

2010-11-26T11:59:00.000-08:00

I cant remember all the stages of grief. I seem to get stuck in the anger stage. I thought it was nearly over, but the past week or so, I have been waking up with panic attacks, in a blind, red, rage. I dream of having to exlain to random people, the reason that I have no children. How do you let go of the anger? To think of everything that still needs to be done in order for me to have a child to call my own pisses me off. For most people, its easier than ordering takeout. An afternoon quicky produces a live child. I hate that it all has to be tied up with time and money and negotation. My options have narrowed down to three. Adopt through foster care (long shot) give birth via embryo donation (long shot) Be content without children (Im not sure this is possible). Brian is tepid about embryo donation. I think in the end, he does not want to spend the money. The measly 8 grand or so that it would cost to try it twice. This also makes me angry, but I cant discuss it calmly right now. Im angry with him for being wishy washy and leaving everything up to me. He never asks what the next step is, and never inniates conversation. The anger makes me feel like everything is a farce, everything is impossible and Im a fool to keep trying. I feel boxed in and beaten down. Im still mad at the medical community, for not caring. So mad that Im not even sure I can do the embryo donation thing without blowing a fuse. I wonder how long I have to stay angry (and the anger is always followed by sadness) before I finally just dont care anymore. Do you allot yourself an amount of time before you give up, or a number of foiled plans or procedures? I suppose its time to haul myself back to the therapist. Since Im not trying to get pregnant I can have my zoloft, and my ativan. I had a panic attack before going to Costco the other day, a full blown crying meltdown. So I guess my anxiety is back in full force. I really just want to feel like a normal person and not a walking time bomb, at some point. No matter what happens.

In foster care news, there is none. The social workers didnt get it together to start the transition last week. They still havnt even told the current foster family, which of course also makes me mad! The sooner this transition happens, the better for the girls. Im angry at their caseworker for putting them in a foster home that was too full and under resourced to start with, and leaving them there for 6 months. They say they have to tell the family in person, and are waiting on the family's certifier to do the dirty work. I cant figure out why this wouldnt be the caseworker's job as shes the one actually moving them. Ive been assured it will all take place this next week. My sister is getting married on the 4th, and I have booked us a hotel room at the Eugene Hilton. With an extra queen bed for the girls. Im a little worried that an overnight trip right after placement is going to be confusing for them, but I suppose it could also serve as a good distraction. A wedding has to be interesting for little girls. Flowers, cake, big frilly dresses. Their room is all ready and I am slogging through the long holiday weekend, waiting.

a little added interest

2010-11-17T16:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finally had my first long conversation with the girl's caseworker. Lots of interesting information, and Im even more sure I want to do this. Most interesting of all is the fact that their mom is pregnant. The baby will most likely be taken into care. In Oregon, placement with siblings trumps everything else, so its not totally out of the question that Brian and I will have that infant here after its born in early feb, as the girls will almost certainly still be here by then. Unless of course some random relative who is willing and able to take 4 kids shows up out of nowhere. They have been looking for family for 6 months with no luck. Bio dad just failed a homestudy with flying colors in another state.

I got a packet from the clinic in Reno today, but there really wasnt much in it. It says in bold letters on the first page that people with "significant" medical problems such as diabetes or recurrent pregnancy loss will be excluded from the program. Thanks for nothing, I phoned them and bitched about the wording, told them it was too vauge. Last time I checked, recurrent miscarriage wasnt a significant medical problem, otherwise somebody would give a shit. And nobody does, at least Ive never met the medical professional who even claims to. Of course the coordiantor knows NOT THING ONE about recurrent pregnancy loss and has no idea why it would preclude somebody from trying donated embryos.. UGH. I told her that my problem is most likely egg quality based, and that I have no anatomical issues or immune system problems. Dead silence on the phone, she had no clue. Im reluctant to pay for a dr. consult anywhere, just to have them say Im out on a technicality. The seattle clinnic wont feed me that horse hockey, but the Nevada clinic has better stats.. I just dont know.

be very very quiet

2010-11-15T11:38:00.000-08:00

shhh, I dont want to jinx myself but it looks like soon there will be three (count them) little girls residing in my house. A sibling group 2, 3, and 5 years of age. I am waiting for their social worker to phone and iron out the details. The placement workers say its a go. Last Friday our certifier sent an email explaining that Brian and I had 3 choices.

1. The three girls
2. sibling group of 2, boy and girl
3. wait for an infant (which is what she really wanted for us)

I felt compelled to take the three, dont ask me why. Call it a gut feeling. Im pretty certain there will be infants in our future, from social services or otherwise. I am now almost sure that I will do an embryo donation cycle at the Nevada Center for Reproductive medicine in Reno, this coming late spring/early summer. This gives me time to lose some weight, get the records transfered, do my initial consults and counseling, and save some $$$. Im waiting for paperwork from them, including a list of the embryos they have on ice. Rumor has it that they have quite a few made with donor eggs... mmm nice fresh young eggs so much less likely to go wonky in my uterus of doom.

I will post as soon as I know when the girls will arrive. We are hoping for at least a week to get to know them first. They are currently in shelter care foster home. Their mom is homeless and has other "issues".

Gone

2010-11-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

The boys are gone, they found an uncle who made it through a lot of hoops. A paternal uncle, with young children and a wife. I drove them there last Friday evening, it was sad to leave them screaming and clinging to our legs. We didnt know they were leaving until Thursday night, and it came as a bit of a surprise as we were told they would be in our care for a "long time" which in DHS speak tends to mean a year or more.

We are now getting the house in together for the next placement. Not much else to say, Im feeling a little drained, excited for whats next but cautious. The next placement could take a few weeks, as our certifier is being selective and I think she took us off the emergency care hotline. She wants us to have a fighting chance to adopt.

I bought a car last week, I had been walking and taking public transport for about 2 years. Nice to have the freedom to move about, car seats purchsed ones that go from 5 to 100 lbs if need be. My husband has been delightful about the entire foster parenting process and is very much in his element.

I took some of the mexican clomid this cycle, even though I said I wouldnt. Ha. Im 9 dpo and feeling my period coming, at least Im pretty sure, average lp these days is 9 or 10 days.

Brian has prepared for me an eggnog latte. Im of to enjoy it and see about dinner. Oh, my youngest sister is marrying the only boy she has ever dated in early December(they are both 21) Its going to be a small wedding at my parent's house. I have to figure out what to wear, and what to get them for a gift. Any suggestions for casual, winter, afternoon, wedding attire?

chaos

2010-10-15T09:37:00.000-07:00

I meant to update a bit sooner, but its been a circus around here. Social workers, lawyers, boys, activities, car shopping, boys, toys, shopping, eating, eating , eating. The boys went from eating nearly nothing to consuming massive portions and wanting to eat all the time. Knowing what we do now about their legal situation, we are assuming they will be here at least 6 months, if not a year. It started as an emergency weekend placement. The social worker and court appointed lawyer are busy trying to find suitable family for long term placement or adoption. So far it's not looking so great this side of the border. If they find family in Mexico, then they will have to deal with the mexican consulate and that can be a long, tedious process. I really wish I could post pictures so you could all see the cuteness. I can easily tell them apart these days, and wonder why I couldnt at first. D has a rounder face and weighs more. B is more verbal and makes a lot of silly faces. Their grandmother wanted me to know that they speak almost no spanish. They also dont speak English. B has about 10 words, D only 4 or 5. Average for two is something like 50. They see a doctor next week and it will be interesting to know how much they weigh, how tall etc.

My life is 100% wrapped up in these boys. Everything else seems a bit trivial. I still want to attempt a donor embryo pregnancy, but It will probably wait until they are either with family or available for adoption. I have gone from being my husband's sun moon and stars, to playing second (third) fiddle to the twins. Its amazing to see him with them and gives me all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings. It feels like a family, even if its not forever.

boys

2010-10-02T22:32:00.000-07:00

Im not sure how much I can share on this blog. I guess I can say that the boys were taken from a big drug bust. Their caseworker goes to court on Monday, then we will know more. Its hard not to hope that they will stay at least for a few months. They are clean and well cared for, but not bilingual as they told me on the phone yesterday. They only speak Spanish, and some twin gibberish, and not much at all. They do say mama? (looking for her everywhere) mine! and no! They cried and cried and screamed for the better part of yesterday evening. Bloody murder. Today they awoke crying, then just the occasional sniffle and huge tear. Asking for mama and grandma.At the risk of sounding cliche, I will say that I am bone tired already. My mother was here today to help. Its very emotional having them here because they are so sad. They have a new stroller, and are very very fond of it. Relaxed enough this afternoon to play a bit. Not eating much of anything. between the two of them today they consumed 4 small packets of animal crackers, two fish fingers, 2.5 bananas, 16 oz milk and 24 oz watered down juice. And all of my glass of icewater when I wasnt looking. So far I say ist been worth the classes and the invasive homestudy. Just to be able to give these frightened little boys some of what they need.

arrived

2010-10-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

I have twin two year olds sleeping in my nursery. They are 26 months,identical boys, big for their age, hispanic, beautiful, and very upset. more tomorrow.

What do you know!?

2010-09-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

I got a message from our foster/adopt certifier today. She said that she turned in our homestudy/file to her supervisor yesterday, and it's going to be "staffed" tomorrow. I wasn't at all sure what staffing meant, so I phoned m stepmother who said that it means that it will be reviewed and signed and DONE tomorrow. Probably along with a few other people on our certifier's case load. Whew! Since Brian and I are being put on the shelter care hotline list, stepmom says we could be getting calls as early as tomorrow evening, as lots of kids need shelter care at night and on the weekends. Of course they will be looking for a longer term placement for us, but sometimes a shelter placement can lead to a long term foster placement, and its the best way to get babies right from the hospital.
Very excited, will update soon.

On another topic, Ive been in email contact with an RE on the East coast with some special RPL credentials. He told me to get Brian in for a sperm DNA fragmentation test. Have any of you heard of this or done it? My own RE has not mentioned it. He seems to think its just as likely to be a male factor thing as something wrong with my eggs. Who knows? If the test came back abnormal, we would be willing to consider a few donor sperm,clomid, IUI cycles.

wrench

2010-09-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

I met my certifier for a picinic lunch on Saturday. It was pleasant enough, I got to visit with a couple of other adoptive parents/people waiting to become adoptive parents. The certifier was dropping hints that our paper work is not all that close to done. That we won't be hearing from her again til she finishes her vacation in late October, which stinks a bit because she said we would be done by first week of October, at the start of September. Before that she had told me start of September at the latest. I know she only works part time. I know shes probably over worked, but I would just appreciate a realistic time frame so I can carry on with other parts of my life! I for SURE wouldn't have left my job in August, had I known. I am reminded of our time dealing with US immigration. Brian and I felt so uncomfortable with the fact that one or two government workers had such a huge say on how we lived, on what our future together would be like.

I have been learning more about the new policy regarding engaging family / extended family in care plans and permanancy plans. They are looking for any family, anywhere. Current caregivers are given no preference. IF parental rights are terminated, IF no capable family can be found, then its possible to adopt. These rules just changed as of July 1st. My stepmother and the social worker have told me this throws a pretty big wrench in trying to adopt a child under 5 from foster care. My gut feeling is that this is not going to be the way we will expand our family in the long term. After all this work and waiting. Im feeling quite tired again. We of course will still foster children, under the assumption that they will all be returned to parents or family, but I think its time to actually put a plan for the Embryo donation cycle in place.

Sitting tight

2010-09-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

Time is moving slowly at my house. I've been biding my time. Pottering about the nursery. The crib arrived and I put it togther by myself. Not so lucky with the changing table, which required Brian who drank beer and sang along with the Smiths while erecting the thing. Showing that he is both manly and sensitive. Heh. My mother and I have been second hand shopping. I have a few outfits for preschool or toddler aged children. Jeans, sweaters, pajamas. There are lots of baby things, sleepers, onsies, receiving blankets, bottles, crib bedding. I feel like a big imposter, of course. Be that as it may, there will be flesh and blood children inhabiting these beds and these clothes in the near future. I just wish there wasnt such a wait. Always the WAIT.

The saftey inspection went fine. Social worker claims to be "almost finished" with the rough draft of the homestudy write up. She sent an email yesterday, saying that Brian told her I had cancer in my teens. What?! I did have a tumor. A giant fibroid aidenoma in my right breast, had a pretty good scare but they took it out and said it wasnt malignant. I was 19. Anyhow, I guess Brian never really got the gist of that whole story considering that it took place years before I met him. He thought it was cancer, she wanted to know what my prognosis was. Im pretty sure she thought I was hiding that from her. Ha! Funny now but how akward.

Ive been out numbered by Brian and my OB. They both say to try another 2 or 3 clomid cycles, so here we go again in the next few days. This cycle I will skip the luteal phase progesterone, and get my 7 dpo level taken to try to confirm ovulation. OB agreed to this as the suppliments were the RE's idea.

I am planning a trip to Iceland and the UK for November of 2011. We will rent a little flat near the sea in Norfolk for a couple of weeks (not too far from Brian's parents) then spend a week in Reykjavik which is supposed to be beautiful that time of year. There is that to look forward to and to plan things around.

blameless

2010-09-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning my kitchen a few days ago. I cant remember the exact chain of thought that brought on this revelation, but suddenly I was moved to tears when it occured to me that this is not my fault. Any time during the past couple of years, if you had asked, I would have asserted that of course it wasnt my fault that I had miscarried so many times. That I was infertile. But secretly I was pretty sure that it was. I had somehow been careless with those pregnancies. Worried too much, and my infertility was due to a character flaw. Or not taking good enough care of my health, caused by my anxiety disorder. That women who can manage to bring a pregnancy to term are somehow superior and I inferior. That if I wasnt hoisting around my rather stout, 4 year old niece, or squating to dig my 12 lb Le Creuset dutch oven out of the bottom shelf of my cupboard, then I wouldnt have started bleeding either time. The embryos could have made a better attachment. If I could just have cultivated enough of that non chalant lightness that makes other women "relax" and sail through their pregnancies unharmed, and also allows them to become pregnant easily.

I suppose by feeling that I was to blame, I somehow was making it less sad. Its not tragic, if its your own damn fault. Being blameless almost makes me feel more vulnerable. It IS sad. it IS unfair. Terribly fucking unfair, and now I get to grieve it a little more proper.

closer

2010-08-30T10:51:00.000-07:00

hello blog land. Im back from vacation in Northern California, and feeling mostly refreshed for it. Brian and I had our final homestudy interview with the foster/ adopt certifier on Friday. Whew.. what an invasive process. Every regulating body in the state of Oregon is totally nuts. We continue to inch closer to certification/ placement but its sort of slowed down to a crawl. This coming Thursday is the final saftey inspection, and walk through. We have a check list and its my job these next few days to be sure that everything is ticked off. Most of my vacation time was spent chatting with my stepmom, who had a TON of interesting info to share about the child welfare system and what is likely to happen with our adoption attempts. She has worked for the agency for 22 years. She said that sadly, family is ALWAYS given prefrence for adoptions these days. Even if its super extended family. Even if the child is already comfortable in a foster care setting and has been since birth. That said, often family members interested in adoption, wont be cleared or wont pass a homestudy. My certifier explained it as the apple does not fall far from the tree theory, but they do have to give family a chance. Adpopting through the state is possible, but not as easy as it was a few years ago, when they did give current caregivers some clout. My stepmom mentioned that she was pretty sure they would have us in mind as medical foster parents. This hadnt crossed my mind much, because I am not a nurse. I know a few practical nurses that do this for a living and I thought you had to have nursing skills. Ive been told that because of what I have done for work, caring for the elderly in their homes with nursing delegations for certain things like G tube feeding, medication admin, and wound care, that I can easily be put on the list to take infants that require a little extra care. Of course they wont give me anything that I cant handle. At least I hope not. Anyhow, the certifier confirmed that this is what she was planning to do, and she told me to start buying stuff for an infant! Finally ordered a crib Friday night and it should be here in a few days. Nursery room is getting totally douched out and we are setting up a shelving unit for plastic bins in the dirt basement. I plan to post some before and after pics in the next few weeks. Its a lovely feeling, knowing that our child is going to live in this nursery, in this house. Im still keen on embryo donation and might try it sooner than later. Perhaps this spring, even if we have foster kids. Nothing wrong with trying to complete the family in one fell swoop, is there?

catch up

2010-08-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

This week has been a bit of a nightmare. Brian had his second solo interview with our certifier on Friday. He told her a few things I wish he could have left out. Unflattering things about his family, my family, and me. Im not up for candy coating who we all are or lying about anything, as we really have nothing to hide. Its just that some nitty gritty details could have been left out. Brian is like George Washington, he cannot tell a lie. He confessed to me friday evening, his defense was that he wasnt going to lie by omission, and I was saying that they never even asked about these things. He volunteered, and in my opinion embellished. UGH. Anyhow, this cumulated in my accusing him of attempting to sabotage our efforts to be foster parents. I was reptilian and mean about it for the better part of the evening. I simply couldnt stand the thought of having yet ANOTHER thing taken from me, should our application be denied. I finally came around to thinking that it is what it is. Brian is who he is and I wouldnt really want him to be any different. They will either approve us to be foster or adoptive parents or they wont.

Our homestudy is dragging on a bit. I thought the interview on friday would be the last until we did a final interview about placement and the saftey walkthrough. It seems that our certifier wants both of us to go to her office this coming friday to be interviewed on our own, one last time. I will wait in the lobby while brian does his, and then we will switch. All told we will have done 17 hours of interview and soemthing ike 32 hours of classes. Ive been asking around, people who have done this in other states think this process is a bit insane. I phoned my stepmother who works for DHS this morning, and she said its a brand new home study protocol and nobody knows exactly what they are doing. She hasnt done one or seen one yet.

My last day of work came and went without much fanfare. There was a cake, as promised. Ive still plenty to do to get things in order for our future foster children, but am also wondering what to do with myself. I want to take a class this fall, there is a Tango school up the street. Or maybe painting at the community college. Now that Im not doing fertility treatments I want to live like an adult for a while. An adult who has interests other than peeing on various kinds of sticks and spreading her legs for any doctor who will have a peek. I want girls nights out with wine and intellectual stimulation. I want my pre infertility / pregnancy loss life back, but I hardly remember who I was a few years ago. Its going to take a bit of effort.

Wait list

2010-08-03T14:10:00.000-07:00

I am on a wait list for embryo donation at a clinic in southern California. They say the average wait time is 1.5 years. Im still going to check out the clinic in Seattle but I do like to have more than one option. The clinic in CA charges a bit less for this procedure, but of course I would have to factor in travel costs and some extra monitoring with my RE here in portland before I flew out for the transfer. The seattle clinic insists on several counseling sessions with a therapist that knows something about embryo donation before their clients procede. I think this is fair, although I doubt anyone locally would have a clue. My HMO had a hard enough time searching for somebody qualified to deal with recurrent pregnancy loss. Im trying not to get caught up in all of this, its really back burner stuff for the time being.

My last day of work is this coming saturday. There will be a party with cake on friday. Our garden shed is finished and we are in the process of filling it with some of the stuff from our "spare" rooms. The new AC unit has saved us a few sleepless nights, though so far this summer has been pretty cool. Friends from other parts of the country find it hard to believe that we get such hot summers here, and the fact that we hardly ever see any snow in the winter.

Im making a few plans for the time between quitting work and getting kids. I might make a trip to Eugene to see my dad and friends in my hometown. A long weekend to the coast may also be in order, one last private weekend with Brian before our lives change considerably.

another bust

2010-07-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

Im not pregnant. This brings to an end a long year of trying to get knocked up. My last pregnancy was in July/August of last year. I have no idea why I was able to become pregnant so easily with meds starting 2 years ago and now.. nothing. Im still ovulating Brian is still producing motile sperm. My only thought is that I have an egg quality issue, and it keeps getting worse as I age. When I was in my 20's, I could get pregnant on my own, but had a tendency to bleed / miscarry in early pregnancy. Weather or not I will try again.. ugh. Right now I say no. Im tired beyond measure and sick of having so many hormones in my system. I have felt like the world is caving in on me the past couple of days, and really its just that I stopped my luteal phase progesterone and will soon get my period.

Embryo donation, still being seriously considered. Just not at all sure that i want to keep beating up my ovaries with more clomid.

The social worker was here for 4 hours interviewing Brian today. Its my turn tomorrow. I have 8 more days of work left. My stepfather is coming this weekend to help Brian erect the garden shed. This will give us some much needed storage for the things that are in our spare rooms. Next week I might start painting the children's rooms. I fancy a sort of sky blue with sunshine yellow accents in one room. not sure about the other. Our entire house is painted a light charcoal gray with white wood/ trim. I dont like it, too drab for this part of the country. Still undecided about furnishings. Used or unused. probably best to get a crib and mattress new but Im still on the hunt for dressers/ changing tables. For those of you who have children, how essential is a rocking chair or glider, for an infant? My mother rocked me to sleep every night until I was about 8, I was also breastfed until I was two and a half. I think mom practiced attachment parenting before it had a name. Anyhow, I wonder if most kids enjoy being rocked as much as I did.

Thwarted

2010-07-22T12:07:00.000-07:00

I just phoned that clinic in Eugene that is supposed to do embryo donation, only they dont. Not really "maybe one or two a year". They dont actually have any sort of program. I then phoned Oregon Health Sciences university fertility clinic. This is the other major clinic in town, other than mine. They dont do it either. Well they have, but only a handful of times in the many years they have been operatiing. So I got back on the phone and left messages at major clinics in Seattle and LA. I dont want to have to travel in the event that we do this, but it looks like there is no choice. I hate that this has to be so bloody hard, at every turn. I would love to wake up to a baby, in a basket, on my doorstep. Hell if Im going to travel I might as well get a good vacation out of it. Maybe South Africa? Maybe somewhere in Eastern Europe. hmmm.

Homestudy has started, but not by any means finished. Brian has a 3 hour interview with our social worker on the 28th. 4 hours for me on the 29th, she said it will take longer because my family is "much more complicated". Which brings to mind this scene from the film Blade Runner

I actually have almost 100% good feelings about my mother, and well you know,, Im not a Replicant. So this should go just fine.

a week or so after that we will have our final interview and saftey inspection.

Work is winding down. I have to work tomorrow on what should be my day off, because we are putting on a carnival for the residents. Should be a real cluster f*ck! oh well, more money for me. I desire a petunia picklebottom diaper bag, but they cost more than my wedding ring did! Still havnt purchased anything for the kids rooms, but been shopping.

EDIT MAYBE NOT SO THWARTED,JUST GOT A CALL FROM THE CLINIC IN SEATTLE, THEY DO EMBRYO DONATION! THEY HAVE A PROGRAM, BUT THEY WONT TAKE JUST ANYONE. SHE ASKED ME A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS AND SAID WE CAN DO IT BECAUSE OF OUR SAD HISTORY OF INFERTILITY AND EARLY LOSS. SHE SAID NOT MANY PEOPLE WHO INQUIRE ACTUALLY QUALIFY. IM GOING TO MAKE AN INITAL APPOINTMENT JUST TO SEE WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT AND HOW MUCH IT COSTS THEN IN A YEARS TIME IF WE ARE NO CLOSER TO AN ADOPTION THROUGH THE STATE WE WILL GO AHEAD AND TRY IT I LOVE TO HAVE A PLAN!!!!BONUS FOR A TRIP ON THE TRAIN AND AN OVERNIGHT STAY IN SEATTLE.

Nesting?

2010-07-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

Is it possible that I am nesting in anticipation of foster children? Yesterday I washed/polished all my wooden blinds, which are on every window in the house. Very unlike me. Today I sanitized every surface in the kitchen, including all the appliances and bleached out the washing machine. Then, I decided it was time to seal/stain the grout on the entire kitchen floor. its midnight and I have just finished. I had Brian order a kit for a new garden shed,, I could go on. Maybe Im just paranoid about the homestudy, but maybe nesting instinct isnt totally hormone based. perhaps its psychological. hmm. I wonder if other fostering/adopting parents get this urge.