smuggled

I don't think I mentioned that I smuggled 60 clomid tablets back from mexico. I got them at a reputable pharmacy directly from the mexican pharmacist, so Im fairly confident that the pills are just fine. I snuck them back in a clomid rx bottle. I have a prescription, but not for that many pills. I take 100 mg, so this is six months worth. Should I need it. I like having it as an option. I wrote my OB asking her to order another HSG for me. My last one was in June of 'o8. If Im going to keep consuming clomid and the like, I want to make sure that the tubes are all clear. I also cant help thinking that it very well could give a little fertility boost, even with the water based dye as opposed to the old school oil based dye. My OB has agreed to that. She said she would prescribe Femara if I prefer to take that so I dont have to pay so much to have monitored cycles with the RE, but I would prefer to stick with clomid for now. Its been proven to assist in getting me knocked up and I dont get the horrid side effects on it. I hardly notice that I'm on clomid at all.

Today is cycle day 17 and Im probably ovulating today. I had a positive OPK yesterday. Ive been using opks for YEARS and have finally figured out the clear blue ones are the most reliable.

We have decided to stay in our house for another year. I had a real estate agent out here last week. Who knew that we would have to come up with 20 grand in closing costs ? We are hoping to stay and build a little more equity,perhaps do a for sale by owner. Prices are going back up in my hood. Brian would still like to apply to grad school but we wouldnt need to relocate until late summer of 2011.

Thanks for responding to my last post. The three of you gave me a lot to chew on and mull over. I agree that IVF with donor eggs is a pretty great option if one can afford it. Who knows, maybe in 5 years the price will drop as it becomes more and more common. For now its probably wiser for me to dedicate my savings to an adoption. I wish the stupid adoption tax credit wasnt in constant danger of expiring.

Brian and I have agreed to take some foster children for the duration of the time we are in Portland. From what I understand the average placement is a few months, so we might go through a few sets of kids before we pack it up and move. My step mother works for the department of human services here in Oregon, so she knows everything there is to know about the foster system here and a possible foster to adopt situation. From what she says, people do adopt infants out of foster care fairly often, but you really cant bet on it. Its sort of about being in the right place at the right time. I know its not fair, but she has some inside info about the children in care that might give Brian and I an advantage. So if that happens, wonderful. If not, we still get our feet wet in the world of foster care. I get to direct some of the mommy instinct into something productive, and hopefully we can be of some benefit to kids who really need the attention of stable adults. We have two rooms in our house that arent being used for anything except neglected exercise equipment and book storage. After we do the classes and the homestudy, I will quit my job and get a mini van ! Isnt that wild ? Me, a stay at home "mom" even for a short while? Its what Ive been wanting. This is something we have been discussing for a long time. We know its a lot of hard work and will cause a major upheaval in our home, but I welcome it.

Support Group ?

Would any of you gals dealing with RPL be interested in forming a small support group ? I am no longer able to attend my real life, live group. Because there are too many pregnant women there at any given time, and they just go so late, and I always have to get up early the next morning to work. I was thinking we could find a live chat room somewhere or perhaps do msn messanger. Maybe once a week. Let me know if youre interested.

I have to confess that Im in a pretty bad place emotionally speaking. Trying to figure out how much is too much in the TTC department. One of the really ass burning things about RPL is that there is never closure. Its fresh grief after fresh grief and it just never seems to stop. There is a large part of my brain that is urging me to throw in the towel, but Im not quite there. I think there would be too many what ifs if I dont at least try one more pregnancy. Im looking for advice. I know many of you are dealing with or have delt with the same issue. I know this is so personal, but Im really curious, what would you do if you were me ? For those that dont know my whole story I can try to give you the readers digest version. I was pregnant at 22, it was unplanned and very upsetting. I was having a strange orange colored discharge and spotting. The nurses at planned parenthood told me my pregnancy would be "high risk" due to an unidentified uterine infection (which years later I found out was nothing worse than a super flared up case of bacterial vaginosis). An ultrasound showed I was at the tail end of five weeks, and we saw a heartbeat. I had an abortion. Less than a year later I was pregnant again by the same partner. I miscarried violently before I had a chance to make a prenatal appointment, I was 7 weeks. That relationship ended, and I didnt give a lot of thought to having children until I was in my late 20's and fixing to get married. I diagnosed myself as having a fertility problem, but my OB had me monitor my cycles for a full year before she did a workup. Turns out I was right all along. I was pregnant after my second round of clomid in September of '08. Missed miscarriage diagnosed at 11.5 weeks. The fetus made it about 9 weeks. D&C. pregnant again after another couple of clomid cycles. Early bleeding but heart beat detected at 6 weeks 3 days. No heartbeat at 8 week scan. Forced break for three months, then pregnant again last summer after one measly clomid cycle. I didnt know I was pregnant and thought a heavy brown bleed was my period, so I took more clomid. I only took an HPT about two weeks into that cycle cause I started bleeding again. I dont really ovulate on my own, but so far that seems to be the only impediment to getting pregnant.Ive recently completed my 4th medicated cycle in a row (I did take a ttc break after 3 clomid cycles). I figure I have about 3 real options. I can keep trying with the oral stimulation drugs. I can save my money for an IVF with donor eggs. I can save my money for a domestic adoption. Because my RPL is idiopathic, they do say that my chances of going to term are decent. I feel at such a loss, any advice or insight would be much appreciated.

Tequila time

Im not pregnant. spotting yesterday, cramping today and a negative pregnancy test. Blah. Im trying to not let it spoil my vacation. Not thrilled at the prospect of taking more clomid, but I cant afford another thousand dollar IUI cycle at the moment. You might wonder what I am doing in mexico if Im so broke. Good question. Its an attempt at finding a little balance and not letting my infertility struggle take over every stinking part of my life.

In happier news, Brian is having the time of his life down here. He is busy channeling his inner Steve Irwin. His favorite activity has been watching the many geckos in our apartment compete for juicy insects in the evenings.Hes on nearly constant lookout for Iguanas. I see a river boat trip in search of crocodiles in our future.

4 days past IUI

Brian and I went in early Saturday morning for sperm wash/ IUI. Brian had to provide his sample at the clinic, but he was a good sport about it. He said there was porn playing on a flat screen tv in the collection room, and it was all women on women anal action ! I wonder, who picks this stuff? Brian reckoned that they just wanted to exclude anything having to do with another man. We had a pleasant breakfast while waiting for the sperm to be prepped. Our fertility clinic is located in a swanky part of town and we were there early, beating the weekend rush. Come IUI time, the doctor on shift informed us that Bri only had ten million motile sperm. From what I understand, this is not a great number. We went ahead with the insemination and that was that.

I have the next two days off, and lots to do in order to get ready for mexico. Canceling the Organics to you produce delivery, ironing and packing, putting together a first aid kit, filling prescriptions. If I get my period while in mexico, Im going right into a clomid cycle with the OB, as I wont be home in time for a monitored cycle with the RE. Speaking of packing, Brian went out on his lunch yesterday and got himself some spiffy new summer clothes. He wanted to know if they look too girly or yuppie. I told him that he lives in a city and there is no shame in wearing nice clothes that dont stink of grunge era 1992. So Brian is going to be all sauve and meterosexual on vacation and I think its cute and funny. Speaking of my produce box, its getting to be that time of year when the good stuff starts rolling in. Since its mostly local and organic we spend the winter eating a lot of kale, sweet potatoes, onions, and other root veg. Now its lovely lettuce, salad greens, asparagas, and herbs. Soon there will be strawberries. It sounds silly, but the feeling of abundance that I get from opening the box each week, does wonders for my mental health. I feel lucky to live in a place where there is so much fresh, fabulous food. And that I have a nice house to live in, and a mostly good quality of life.

Thanks to all of you that are commenting and rooting for me. It means a lot.

Triggered

I had a follicle scan on the 20th (cycle day 11). Nothing doing on the left side, but lots of follicles on the right. Most of them too small, between 9mm and 12mm, but there was one fat follie @ 16 mm which was right about where I should have been. I was hoping for more targets, but from what my infertile friends have been telling me, one mature is pretty normal for a femara cycle. I triggered last night. This was the first time ever injecting myself with anything and its pretty intimidating. I got over it and it was easy and painless. I peed on a cheap internet HPT this morning just because its fun to watch things turn colors. I suppose I will test out the trigger. Brian and I go in tomorrow morning for collection and insemination. He will do his "sample" at the clinic, as we live too far away to get it there unscathed.

Dr. B is putting me on a double dose of the luteal phase progesterone support. These are the vag suppositories and not my favorite. I will be in mexico come test time, but Ive found an English speaking OB to order a beta for me. I would rather not stress with betas, but the RE wants them. If I dont have my period by 13 dpo I guess Ill get the blood work done. I always come to a point during a treatment cycle where I am no longer able to think clearly. I know the stats even after factoring in my personal history of getting pregnant fairly easily with ovulation stimulation. The chance of pregnancy is probably around 15%, yet I cant help but think THIS HAS TO WORK. After trying so long and being on the wrong end of the statistics so many times, something has to give. After spending so much money (this little IUI cycle is costing me nearly 1000 dollars) and you know,, just being a good girl. Because good people eventually have a happy ending, right ? So no matter what one little devil on one shoulder whispers about being realistic, the other one is saying "nonesense, everything will be FINE". The only thing that brings me back down to earth is the start of the bleeding, either my regular period or the miscarriage.

Im not really sure where Im going with this. I suppose I just feel silly for giving into magical thinking, but I seriously cant help it.

foot in mouth

There I was, pretty much boasting my ability to handle the side effects of oral fertilty meds,like some sort of infertile gladiator and all the while FEMARA has been kicking my butt. I feel psychotic and uneasy and just plain physically awful. Much like the way many people react to clomid.

I was just wondering who is going to want to check in on me, or read my blog if Im such a hopeless wet blanket, nearly every post. The truth is that I waffle. Hope comes and goes. When Im down, I wanna vent and when Im up, I dont want to say anything and jinx myself.

I am looking forward to proceeding with this cycle. My expectations of being pregnant are pretty low, but I do feel like Im getting on with things. I had a pretty long ttc break. 20 days til Im on the beach in mexico, and thats what Im REALLY looking forward to

Real Quick

before I dash off to work and totally forget to update. I decided to go ahead with femara/IUI cycle. baseline ultrasound yesterday, and first letrezole tablet. never had an antral follicle count before, so that was interesting. doc put me on the lowest possible dose of femara, and I sort of wonder what he was thinking. its not like I have unexplained infertility or something, I have a diagnosed ovulation problem that my OB liked to whollop with 100 mg of clomid every month. I barely responded to that. I guess he is the RE trained at john hopkins and I am not. next ultrasound is on the 20th. Im presently on cd 4. I mentioned elswehere but will say it again, Im not pleased or releived to be taking a different oral ovulation stimulation drug. I dont give a shit about side effects. I would rather be doing IVF or domestic adoption or something more effective. this feels like more of the same crap Ive been doing for the past two years. and I couldnt care less if I sprouted hair from my chest or started bleeding out of my hands and feet, as long as I ovulate properly.