Youre out of the woods

You're out of the woods, You're out of the dark, You're out of the night.
Step into the sun, Step into the light.
Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place
On the Face of the Earth or the sky.
Hold onto your breath, Hold onto your heart, Hold onto your hope.
March up to the gate and bid it open

You might be out of the woods but theres still a green witch with her creepy army of monkey men .. and they have it in for you.

I saw the perinatologist this afternoon. My older brother watched the girls and I went alone. Brian had a meeting. Today's appointment stunk because

1.  I didnt even see his face, let alone get any of the fun pictures they gave me last time.
2. His arms and legs are growing, but not quite at the same rate they had been on the previous 2 scans. Most long bones measuring less than 5th percentile at this point.
3. They finally got a really good look at his heart. For the first time since seeing the cardiologist. His VSD is just as big. Not shrunk at all, and the peri said it could actually be bigger than they think so hard to get a good idea of the size when there is so much of my tissue in the way. When they get to do the echo on the actual baby instead of fetus in utero, they will know a lot more.
4. If hes not looking great directly after he is born, peri mentioned sending him right to OHSU. I suppose this is in light of the fact that the hole has not shrunk in the past 9 weeks. They had hoped that it would have already.

The good parts of my appointment

1. placenta looks good
2. everything else measuring spot on
3. amniotic fluid at a perfect level
4. blood pressure low
5. Peri very pleased about my glucose test

At this point its really wait and see what this baby looks like when hes born.

We got a package in the mail today. All the way from England.. these beautiful knitted items for the baby. I didnt even know my mother and law could knit. She also sent some stuffed animals for him and an activity book for each of the girls.

Still no word about a placement for the ladies. They are having a super hard time finding a family for them, either short term or long term. They have started looking out of county. Very sad and a little upset about how this is working out but that is a post for another day. Dog tired at the moment.

Neither here nor there

I wanted to keep a journal about recurrent pregnancy loss. I had no intention of sharing until my dear blog friend Panamahat invited me to do so. I'm now feeling in a bit of a no woman's land as far as blogging goes. I have not yet made it to the "other side" but have made it far enough to say that recurrent pregnancy loss is no longer my current problem. It seems to me that this pregnancy has been a fantastic fluke. Not at all sure that I would be willing to subject myself to the infertility and loss juggernaut again. 

I never thought making it out of a first trimester was the end goal. I still had fears of late pregnancy loss or still birth, unfounded.. but very real for me. I had the image of Lucy yanking away the football from Charlie Brown as my computer wallpaper for a long time. The fact that Titus may be born less than healthy feels a little like another missed kick. I bet that seems ungrateful. Maybe so. I felt like if I could make it through a pregnancy then of course things would be fine. I still don't know how this is going to play out. Happily ever after? Perhaps a version of it I couldn't have anticipated.

I have complained that infertility takes away your ability to plan for the future, outside of the next couple of cycles. Now that it looks like I will have a baby I can keep..  we will need to make up for lost time. Brian still wants to do a PHD. If he can get into a program with funding, this will be a lot more feasible. I will need to work full time, at least one job to support the family , which takes away my fantasy of being a stay at home mother. As for what sort of work I will do.. hmm. I hate the Oregon board of massage and this is the main reason I havnt sat for the state board exam in oregon. I passed the federal one with flying colors. If we move state I wont have to take another. So I could hang up a shingle and work for myself. I cant see clocking in and out at a chiropractor's office or a fancy spa. Too much work, not enough pay. I do like the idea of combining all of my training and doing theraputic massage for people in nursing homes and on hospice. More and more hospice programs are hiring for this. I guess this brings me to my final thought for this post.. if Im going to take care of other people .. Whether it be my own family or the folks I end up working with Im going to need to heal myself a bit first. To process some of my anger over how the last few years went. This may mean just trying to think of some of it as water under the bridge. Im probably going to have to discuss it in therapy and then let it go. At least as much as possible.

EEEK a MOUSE- and OB appointment

As I was sitting down to blog a mouse sauntered through my open front door. He took a leisurely stroll across my living room and hid behind the stereo. Big fat mouse at that. I screamed twice and woke  the 4 year old from her nap who then she screamed because I was upset. I told her it was nothing and she went back to sleep, phoned my husband at work who was in a meeting but took the call because he worries about me. I could tell he was trying not to laugh when he said he would head home as soon as his meeting ended. I really dont care for rodents. I would rather have a snake in my house.

I finally had a glucose tolerance test yesterday. Yes, the first one was ordered back in April. Ive been putting it off. Yesterday was 28 weeks and I had an OB appointment today so I figured I had best get it over with. I passed with flying colors! Which is fortunate because they never would have been able to get all the blood out of my tiny veins for the 3 hour. The phlebotomist always remembers me, she was relieved. My iron is also fine, weight ok, blood pressure good. They want me to start doing kick counts, Im not quite sure what thats all about but I suppose I will read the material. OB stated that it is 100% certain that I have to deliver at the undesirable hosptial. bah.  I got a little upset about it one night and was crying to my husband " Those butchers are going to cut me open" etc etc.  This hospital has no tours for security reasons (?) and I guess I am anxious about this whole delivery thing. I emailed a friend of mine who is a midwife to see if she suggests any particular sort of birth preparation class. Might look into hiring a doula. Ever since I read that 40% of american women over the age of 35 end up with a C section, Ive been a little paranoid. I am not in the best shape of my life and while I know that my body knows what to do, Im not certain that I have provided it with the best tools to get the job done.

Most of the last week has been spent trying to get the girl's appointment, parental visit, school and transport sched. in order. Its a lot of negotiation. They are only here for 5 more weeks and as far as I know, their case worker hasnt made any move to find them a new placement. It cant be super easy to find a foster home with room for 3 siblings. I hope she gets a move on. She took her sweet time getting them here. I want to be able to do a proper transition with sleep overs and a slow introduction if possible.

exhaustion hits

I am so so tired.  I don't know how people manage huge families. I feel like I'm totally done. Like I could sleep for the next 13 weeks. The little ladies will be here for another 6 weeks. Ive turned into a Walrus who cant tie her own shoes or get the clothes of the front loading washing machine.  It would be fine.. more than fine but I have so much work to do.

I think better nutrition and a little more time carved out for myself will help get me through the next month and a half. Sadly Brian will then have to pick up the slack. Maybe I can hire a sitter  5 hours a week. Somebody who wouldn't mind switching the laundry for me while I go float in a pool or get my hair cut. I desperately need to see a dentist for my bleeding pregnancy gums but there hasn't been time and I cant take the kids with me like I do when I have OB appointments.

Sorry for the whine. If any of you have tips for how to manage a busy kid schedule while feeling like you got hit by a cement mixer, I welcome them.

The girl's father has split up with his long term girlfriend. I'm not sure what will happen now. Their social worker was here last week and did mention that the girlfriend was a major deciding factor in whether or not they would reunify with the Dad. Shes not sure at all about his ability to care for all 3 of them himself.  This was before we learned about the break up.

I am disappointed for the girls. This was a sure enough thing that I had started to cue them about living with "daddy". Now it is totally up in the air. The current plan is to put them in another foster home. This plan sucks if you ask me. We wait and see what the social worker comes up with between now and late September when they have their next court date.

Brian and i had a lovely stay at the beach. Nearly 48 hours of no kids to mind. We had a swim in the hotel pool ( you dont swim in this part of the pacific its rough and COLD). Lots of meals out, I got my fill of Dungeness crab. Its a bit on the rich side but its so tasty. Our bed was positioned near the balcony which looked right out on the beach. We enjoyed visiting a local Pioneer museum.

My stepmother has offered to us a beautiful bassinet from the late 40's. a family heirloom. Sadly, I dont think its quite safe. Its lovely to look at though. I hate to tell her no.

Over the weekend we had discussed giving the social worker until the 1st of November to move the girls, hoping that would buy a little more time for the reunification efforts with the dad. In light of recent events Im not sure that is a great idea. I dont think they should move schools if we can avoid it.  I feel that if they cant make things with the parents work then they should switch right to finding an adoptive placement. The mom is signing the papers so the state does not have to terminate her rights. We will see what happens with their father. Brian intends to attend the next court date and speak his mind about a few things. I hope I can be there too.

perfectly short

We saw the perinatolgist today. Titus' limbs are still measuring short but they are growing. Still about 3 weeks behind and in the 5th percentile.  They said he would get another echo cardiogram today but the peri said he didnt feel the need to. So they just measured him and the doc messed around with the 4 D ultrasound for a while. That was a treat, I had never had one and wasnt about to pay for one at some private place.  This is still a bit early for good 4 D images. They fatten up quite a bit by 28 weeks but it was fun to see what he sort of looks like. I am 26 weeks today.

Its been decided by the peri that I will deliver at the hospital on the other side of town that is affiliated with my HMO. Because its in network and has an NICU. Titus will need an echo cardiogram as soon as he is born. I asked about the fancy medical school hospital where the pediatric cardiologist guy is but they said they thought it over and its not needed. Im a little disappointed because of my 3 possible places, this hospital is the worst. Its in a posh part of town but as I understand it, their birthing facilities are not as good as the hospital closer to my place or OHSU. At least baby will be well looked after. Its now time to pre register at this hospital and take a tour.

Other than all that, just loving these foster girls. I have the caseworker coming tomorrow afternoon for a home visit. Tomorrow morning I supervise a visit with the girls and their mother as the regular DHS visit assistant is out on medical leave and they cant find anyone to fill in for her. I dont want the ladies to miss out on seeing Mom. This weekend the girls will stay with my parents in Eugene while we head to the coast for a couple of days. Ahh. Car wants servicing and that will have to happen on Thursday, even if I have to cancel some appointments. I hardly ever have time to get my car fixed. I need it every day and its hard to bus around with 3 little ones in tow. My step mom is a child protective case worker for the state of Oregon. She had to sign a conflict of interest form to provide respite care for us. This form had to be signed by her supervisor, the branch manager and some head of the agency in the capital. CRAZY.

My sister in law gave birth to a beautiful baby girl early Friday morning. Jessica Emily H.  7 lb 8 oz.  I wish I could fly to England tomorrow to see them. I might have mentioned before that Brian's sister's husband left her when she was about 14 weeks pregnant. Im so proud of her for doing what she needed to do and being strong these past months. A trip to the UK is certainly in order, whenever Titus gets the OK to fly. Its a long past due trip.