Here are a few recent pictures of Titus along with one of his brother thrown in for good measure. Keep in mind that T has been really ill on and off the past few months so there are not a lot of smiley pics, but I will try to get some.

I got the urgent cerclage on Tuesday of last week. I expected that the procedure would be uncomfortable but did not anticipate that it would also be humiliating. From the rather large suppository that the nurse had to administer shortly before the operation to having my bare legs and butt hoisted in the air with the bright surgery lights focused right on my vagina.. it was horrible. These were no ordinary stirrups. I asked the anesthesia nurse for something baby safe and mild so I could zone out. He gave me a little Versed and that took the edge off.

Back in the recovery room I started feeling uterine pain before I could feel my legs or feet. As the day progressed I would cry. At first they tried a bit of fentanyl, but it devolved into Dilauded.  Luckily by the time I got home I only needed one pain pill and the cramping stopped once I got in my own bed. I do not think a cerclage is this painful for everyone. My theory is that the further along you are and the less cervix they have to work with the worse it feels afterwards.  I had some cramping and a bit of bleeding for a few days afterwards, but not too bad.

I spent 8 days as flat and horizontal as possible. Started to develop what my Aunt thought was the beginning of a pressure sore on my tail bone. She was a labor and delivery nurse for over 30 years so I think she was probably right.  On Sunday we had company from out of state. It was a rather solemn affair. They had planned a trip to Oregon for some time. Rented a house up on Mt. Hood. The plan had been that I would pack up my men and join them up there for a few days. Of course with the bed rest all we could do was have a quiet visit in my living room.

Yesterday I went to have my cervix scanned to see what the stitch managed to accomplish. My cervix went from measuring 1.7cm to nearly 4! It could still take a turn for the worse. The dynamic (fickle) cervix could decide to funnel down to the stitch later on. Or further. But for right now I am off of bed rest and on restricted activity. I may not look after Titus on my own because I can't lift anything. Not even a 20 lb toddler. I can however leave the house, go float in a pool. Take a short walk. putter around the house, and continue to rest a lot.  The peri tells me that he wishes there was some sort of drug or potion that he could give me to just put me to sleep until 28 weeks when the scariest  time is over. He said either for me or for him because he does worry about me quite a bit. I am sure he has seen these situations end in so many ways.

I will take my little victory.

Not able to participate in due date groups.  Last time when my baby had health issues other folks baby shower dramas or heart burn issues seemed  trivial. It feels that way again.

This baby is still looking healthy. Next week I will have another cervix scan and we will revisit my activity level. The following week (26) we will have the cervix scan and a full growth scan. That should yield some of the fancy 3D pictures like the ones they took of Titus at the same age. I bet August is still measuring big.

Today a friend is taking me to lunch. A very much needed break in the sunshine. Being sprung from the house. This friend lost her twins at 23 weeks due to cervical incompetence. She understands a little better than most what is going on in my head. Today we will not talk about that though, just enjoy our steamy bowls of beef noodle soup and some salad rolls. It is supposed to get to nearly 90 F in Portland tomorrow. Rather unseasonably hot. That is about 31 c for all you non Americans. 

Wish

I wish I had some good news to share. My cervix was scanned again yesterday afternoon. It went from 2.8  a couple of weeks ago to 1.8 cm yesterday. According to the doctor "a considerable amount of funneling".

The doctor put me on bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. I am also doing vaginal prometrium at night. Looks like we will do a cerclage this coming monday.

I don't feel like writing about how I feel about scrambling for care for Titus. Or how we will afford it, or being in bed for a long time, if I am lucky. No energy for that right now. I will update if there are any changes between now and Monday.

fever and arrrg

Over 3 weeks ago Titus came down with a cough. Then a fever, then screaming and 104 in the middle of the night. We took him to the ER and he had pneumonia in addition to an ear infection. A 10 day course of antibiotics and we thought he was mostly better. Then this past Saturday the coughing an fever started in again. Another trip to urgent care and no pneumonia this time but an ear infection in the same ear. Another 10 days of antibiotics.   Around the same time that he came down with his crud, I started in with a fever, body chills, aches, crusty virus eyes. Then a painful cough. This was on top of the bronchitis I had already been fighting for several weeks. I also took a course of antibiotics. Almost a month after that second infection and I am still dealing with green mucus and low energy. This is some seriously nasty shit. I probably had a virus and a secondary bacterial infection. I continue to wake up coughing in the night. Having to steam my sinuses open in the shower each morning.  Caring for a sick toddler while you are also very ill and pregnant = misery. Brian helped as much as he could with a slightly milder version of what we had. He missed over a week of work.

Titus coughed so hard that he vomited up his substantial dinner last night. Several times. The coughing and puking kept him awake past midnight so it is now 8:30 and he is still snug asleep. Poor little poo poo. I will wake him soon because he must be awfully dried out. Daycare baby home sick today too with a fever of 103 an screaming. She seems to introduce some new sort of nastiness every few weeks. My mother calls her Typhoid Mary. Luckily cold and flu season is drawing to an end, and little "Mary" will soon be cared for by her grandmother. I have loved having her here and the company of her mother on a daily basis. Takes some of the loneliness out of being cooped up indoors with little ones.

I had an anatomy scan a week ago. Good news, baby looks robustly healthy. No heart issues seen. No short limbs. In fact, everything was measuring big. 20 weeks 2 when I ought to have been 19 weeks 1.  The tech went back and looked at the dating scan from 7 weeks as this was the second time baby that she had measured my baby large. The dating scan was done by the radiologist at another clinic. The perniatologist shrugged it off by saying that they do bad measurements over there. I know that it isn't possible for me to have been any further than 19 weeks 3 that day. They have not mentioned changing my due date. Bad news, my cervix is measuring short. 2.8 cm at 19 weeks. Normal for that point in pregnancy is more like 4. Anything under 3 is not so great. Anything under 2.5 is cause for concern. The MFM will image my cervix again in a couple of weeks. If it is shorter he will prescribe vaginal progesterone and either restricted activity or bed rest. Hoping it holds steady at 2.8.  I understand that bed rest is a very special sort of hell. I did one week of self imposed bed rest when I had the sch while pregnant with Titus. This would probably mean months of bed rest. Not good. DHS has a heads up. I told M's caseworker that I will be totally out of commission if my cervix continues to shorten and that M will need to move. They are talking about moving him in the next 3 weeks anyway. To his Dad's apartment. That is a long post for another day. The doctor said that my history of a full term baby works in my favor in this situation and they will just keep monitoring the old cervix closely. He said if I am ever worried before a scheduled scan, that I may be seen earlier. I do like him.

Oh, the baby is a boy. I know that in the IF community that disappointment around the sex of the baby is not really cool. I have it though. I wanted to be a mother to a girl. I am owning it as something "normal" that a person who had not been through infertility and loss might feel. I feel blessed and lucky for my Titus and this belly baby. I also wept when I knew that I would not have the daughter I have been dreaming of my whole life. Titus will have a brother less than 2 years his junior. They will be one grade apart in school. The brothers will share a room on our small house (assuming we don't move) and have the other bedroom for a play room. We are still fine tuning a name. Contenders are August and Augustus. Middle names considered are currently Daniel and Benedict.

I missed my last midwife appointment. Brian can generally stay home with Titus & or the daycare baby while I go but he was unable to this past week. Now I have no idea when they will be able to squeeze me in.

I did pass my 3 hour glucose tolerance test. Much to the surprise of my midwife. I passed easily. Still trying to watch the sugar and carb intake.

I have been fighting an upper respiratory infection for over 2 weeks and now a sinus infection on top of it.  I had a couple of colds while pregnant with Titus but nothing like this crud that never goes away. I should be getting my energy back but I just feel run down. Run down by a cement mixer. Nausea easing but not gone. I am just about 17 weeks.

We have the average amount of drama going on with social services and foster child. They are letting things go on which I feel compromises the safety of the little boy. Long unsupervised visits with an addict father who has recently had dirty UAs.  Feeling impotent and on edge. In better news, M celebrated his 6th birthday on Friday. His social skills have improved quite a bit since he arrived in July. He was thrilled with his small gifts and home made cake. In a few years it will have to be video games or laser tag. For now 6 is simple and sweet.

We see the perinatologist for an anatomy scan on the 28th of this month. I am really curious to see if this baby will have the same short arm and leg bones that Titus did. They will attempt to do an echo cardiogram.

The midwife appointment on Thursday went reasonably well. I started out telling the midwife that I was nervous because the first time I made it to 12 weeks there was no heart beat on doppler, OB went and got the portable ultrasound machine and we discovered a non living fetus. The second time I made it to 12, no hb on doppler, frantic scrambling for the ultrasound and Titus was fine. She said she was going to use the doppler anyhow because "it will be so reassuring for you to hear it instead of see it". She was wrong! She tried for ages and could not find that lovely galloping sound.  Another scramble for the machine and then my bladder was so full she was struggling to find anything. finally found gestational sack but it was so blurry. After some amount of fiddling she was able to point out the heart beat and then we saw a fair bit of movement. These portable office machines are nothing like the fancy ones they have in radiology or perinatology. This was what I was trying to explain to the daft cows in my so called online buddy group back in 2011. That quick scans from the OB or Midwife to check for fetal heart tones were not going to yield the same sorts of images or print outs that a planned scan with a proper machine would. Ugh. That was when they started accusing me of faking my pregnancy. I am still mad about that. Bunch of bitches. But I digress.

By the end of the appointment I was feeling pretty confident that I did have a live fetus in there. Since the appointment was an early morning one, and I had not yet eaten anything they had me pop over to the lab to do a very early 1 hour glucose test which I failed miserably. Not quite high enough not to have to do the 3 hour but not far off. I now have to do the GD diet (which she wanted me on anyhow) until I can schedule the 3 hour with a Kaiser lab. This might be a week or so. Very busy right now and Titus has his surgery on Friday. I have an NT scan on Tuesday. Titus sees the pediatric endocrinologist on Wednesday. I am also doing day care all week and juggling those appointments with family to help out. I don't mind the GD diet too much. Right now. I bet it would get old by the end of a pregnancy. Pleased that they she did order the test early. I can now eat as healthy as possible and make sure to get my exercise in. The healthier I am the better my chances of a vbac. 

I still worry about miscarrying. In fact I was just imagining going to the NT scan on Tuesday by myself, only to find no heart beat. I am not sure that fear would go away even if I had 5 more babies. A part of me feels like I cheated fate by bringing Titus into the world, and that I won't be so lucky again. I know it isn't logical. That is just one of the many ways recurrent miscarriage messes with your head. Trying to keep positive and look forward to a healthy infant and birth. I like to take virtual tours of the hospital I will be delivering at. 

I have not  been in for a fetal heart tones check. I am watching another baby during the day and it is just not very feasible. I would either have to take both babes with me (logistical nightmare) or bow out for the day.  If I wasn't feeling so very sick the need would be greater. As it is, my 12 week midwife appointment is coming up this Thursday. I will be very surprised if anything is not as it should be. 

Foster son "M" is still in limbo. We will be done with foster parenting once he moves. I feel like we gave it a really really good run. I have no more energy for dealing with the system. I have been worn thin by the indifference of his particular caseworker. Deaf stone wall. Our certification worker paid us a visit last Friday. We found ourselves saying over and over "we just want the caseworker to do her job". We were informed that she does not like us very well because we are critical of her work. Boo hoo. Just do your damn job lady and there will be no problem! The case transferred to her in October and she did not open the file until December, and then she got it all wrong. Couldn't figure out that the grandmother had already bombed a home study. Informed us a few weeks ago that she does not have a plan for M and will not until the permanency hearing in April. Not any definitive action mind you, just a plan. An idea of what might happen, something to aim for. Meanwhile M has been in care for over 2 years. He does not even remember his life before entering foster care. Caseworker is supposed to pay us a monthly visit at home. She has not been out once. 4 months behind. They continue to give him visits with his father as if reunification is right around the corner. Confuses the hell out of the poor kid. They even let him spend the night with his Dad around Christmas. I dealt with the repercussions of that for days afterwards. He came home and shit his pants. The boy had never had a soiling accident before that. He is almost 6 years old.|

I have been invited to a girls lunch and spa visit on Sunday. Just what the doctor ordered for the grumpy, frumpy, pregnant lady. I will be sure to update on Thursday no matter what the news.