no news

Just waiting for my ultrasound on Friday. 5 weeks is a bit early to image a gestational sac, but that is what I am hoping for. The OB does not have the fancy equipment that the RE has. the RE charges 300 dollars per ultrasound. The OB is free (well, I pay my insurance premium). I guess I will have an ultrasound weekly until they figure out what is going on.

The new OB wrote and told me she thinks I have a 60% chance of this being a normal gestation and going to term. Its kind of her. They are supposed to be supportive.

I feel ok. Pregnant. My digestive system has seen better days. Not vomiting but ugh,, burping and heartburn. Im tired a lot but Brian is picking up some slack around the house. My mom came over last night to feed the girls and get them ready for bed.

I will update on Friday!

frank sinatra and count basie, luck be a lady

Luck be a lady

They call you lady luck but there is room for doubt
at times you have a very un-lady-like
way of running out


I can't expend the mental and physical energy needed to be negative about this pregnancy. So until proven otherwise , I'm pregnant and intend to enjoy it. I have read some very encouraging stories whilst playing doctor Google. I am holding off on the ultrasound until I am sure that they can image something meaningful. Maybe two weeks from tomorrow, maybe a little sooner. I will have to confirm that plan with the new OB.

i feel OK. my nerves got shot over the past couple of days but I think I can rally. I have to keep it together in order to care for these special needs foster kids.

but of course.. crap news

my beta was 5,830 . Im only about 14 dpo. this of course is making them think "molar pregnancy".

What are the chances,, 1 in 1000. Who is likely to have this happen to them? Why me, of course! I dont know how Im going to get through the next two weeks without a trip to the psych ward.

You will never guess...

I ordered my meds today from Walgreen's speciality pharmacy. They cost 1200 dollars and are non refundable under any circumstances. They will be delivered tomorrow morning.

I also took a pregnancy test this evening  because I had a teeny weeny bit of spotting at the wrong time in my cycle. The spotting stopped a few days ago, and I am super duper pregnant. I have never seen pregnancy tests so positive in all my days. I took 4 of them including a digital. I have no idea when I ovulated but had that follicle measuring 14 on cd 10. must have been like cycle day 13.. 14. Im now on cd 26.



Life is pretty fucking weird.

Edit to add that I had intercourse only once this cycle, on day 12.

consult and saline ultrasound

We did our required psychiatric consultation on Monday. Out late the night before for my 35th Birthday, then a zoo field trip with the middle girl's preschool. Brian took the day off of work for all of that.. little one joined us at the zoo. Pretty beat by the time we got them back, and drove across town again for the psych. My brother babysat, which was very helpful. The consultation was grueling and sad and I hated it. I liked the doctor well enough, her questions were thorough and pointed, but  she seemed to think it was some sort of profound revelation to note "this is all still so raw". No kidding? Ive been trying for a baby for about  5years. Ive lost many potential children. This is always going to be a little raw. I hate feeling like my grief and suffering are a character flaw. She said she would write us a favorable report.

I hired a sitter off of craigslist for my Tuesday morning ultrasound. She checked out well, shes a young mother who lives in the neighborhood and has a 3 year old. She is studying to be a midwife. Anyhow, its nice to know her and we think we can do some childcare trade. The sono was more painful than i thought it would be, whenever I have a catheter up in there I cramp. Maybe I will have to ask the RE for extra Valium for my transfer.  felt better after she actually put the saline in, nice and cool. My uterus looks "perfect" and my lining was 8 on cd 10. I had a good looking follie on my right side (14). WTF? Ive been told I barely ovulate if at all, and while I suppose its possible that I gear up to do so and then everything just sort of craps out .I'm really interested to know what my progesterone would look like this cycle.. mid luteal phase. This was the first time I had a follicle check on a non medicated cycle, to be honest it looked as good or better than the one monitored Femara cycle I did. The best news was that my uterus looks so good. Couldn't be better, they said. I wonder how they judge these things. I had been so worried about scar tissue from my many d&cs. Still a couple of appointments to take care of but hopefully we will be on track to start BCP after my next period.  The legal paper work is all taken care of, notarized and sent off.

A bit of drama going on with the girls, reunification to be in full swing in the next month or so. Meanwhile, their medical problems get worse. Middle girl in and out of hospital this past week, many sleepless nights for me. I worry that if she is returned to the low IQ, medically neglectful mother, that she will actually die. All I can do is tell her lawyer and say it in court if need be. Social  workers are coddling and hand holding the mom.. this is the hardest part of foster parenting, I imagine. I give them a 90% chance of being back in care within a year of reunification.

matched and waiting

We have chosen the embryos. There are seven of them, frozen in 2006. The eggs came from a 21 year old donor, cheerleader type from what I can tell. I got a fairly extensive profile for her, same one the donor family got when they were looking for an egg donor I suppose. female donor has blond hair and blue eyes, male donor brown/ hazel. No family medical history of concern. Female donor has a congenital heart defect, but its not genetic. The male donor is 5'5, female is 5'2. This batch as resulted in 2 live births. The original fresh cycle, and a FET a couple years later for the donating couple. I'm hoping that the remaining embies are decent quality, and that we get a couple to survive the thaw. These are probably the best quality embryos I can get my hands on, short of a fresh donor egg cycle. I will get the saline ultrasound a few days into my next cycle. My period is due next week. I have an appointment on the first of March for a pap and pelvic, and my new OB was nice enough to squeeze in all the infectious disease blood work (mind is 2 years old) and hormone tests that the New RE wants. My HMO says they wont pay for this blood work but the OB's there are sympathetic, and try to code things to slip past billing. This should save me about 600 dollars. Brian and I have an appointment on the 7th of March to get the psych consult done. NRCM wants a "report" from a psychologist who has experience with couples doing 3rd party reproduction. Shes never met anyone using donor EMBRYOS but that's not a great surprise, as there are no clinics in this state that do it. She does however know a great deal about surrogacy, sperm & egg donation. The coordinator says that I should be able to start birth control pills with my next period. We could cycle as early as April, but probably not until May. My grandmother used to own a condo at Lake Taho, and I know that area is beautiful, but Im not sure about Reno. It has a reputation of being a seedy gambling town.  All of the hotels I have looked at appear flea bitten and past their prime. I think most of my time will be spent resting at the hotel. A few days away from the kids and all the chaos with DHS. My mom and brother will stay with the girls.

Oh, I mentioned the new OBGYN. Mine has become a hospitalist (whatever that is) and is no longer seeing her patients. Nobody told me. I actually cried when I found out. This woman has been through all of this crazy stuff  with me, and I'm not sure how I can build that level of trust with a new doctor. My old OB had promised weekly ultrasounds in her office, should I become pregnant again. She was sympathetic, and thas is a rare commodity in the world of infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss.

The days go fast with 3 little girls at home. I can hardly keep up with my housework, even though I am a "stay at home mom". We are not at home very much. We have an average of 4 appointments a week, plus back and forth from preschool, play dates etc. I took the little one to lunch today, we like to do this while her sisters are at school. She ate pork wonton soup with Chinese greens, fried shrimp, and broccoli beef. Oranges and fortune cookie for afters. She pronounced the whole meal to be "yummy tummy", much to the delight of the matronly Chinese lady who runs the place. She got a pat on the head for that. Some days we go to the library. She is totally daytime potty trained as of last week. No coincidence that it was the middle girl's first full week of preschool. I simply had more time to devote to the little one and her needs. It is all working out pretty well, there is talk of reunification with mom, but that is a post for another day.