the way courage comes

THE EMBRYO


When the time comes for the embryo
to receive the spirit of life,
at that time the sun begins to help.
This embryo is brought into movement,
for the sun quickens it with spirit.

From the other stars this embryo
received only an impression,
until the sun shone upon it.
How did it become connected
with the shining sun in the womb?

By ways hidden from our senses:
the way whereby gold is nourished,
the way a common stone becomes a garnet
and the ruby red,
the way fruit is ripened,
and the way courage comes
to one distraught
with fear.

Rumi

We often talk about what a roller coaster this infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss business is. Ive certainly had some highs and lows in recent weeks. I was feeling about as bad as I ever have, after my visit with the RE. I had jumped through so many hoops just to get into that office. All for nothing. Two days later I found myself on the table of a chinese medicine practitioner. Brimming with hope after purchasing The Infertility Cure, by Randine Lewis. This was the first real consideration I had given to attempting chinese medicine, and I dove in with the zeal of the newly converted. I have mostly been adhering to my new anti allergy diet. Im drinking two nasty concoctions of mysterious chinese herbs daily. Ive had the acupuncture. I do wonder if this isnt a bit of voodoo. The western alernatives such as IVIG are equally as dubious. Im trying to read positive stuff about the wonders of TCM, and stick my head in the sand when it comes to really reading up on the research. I want to bask in the placebo effect for as long as possible. This is one of the high points. I started hoping again.

Another high point is the support group that I attended for the first time a few nights ago. These women all have infertility issues, and most of them have suffered infant or pregnancy loss too. This has been heartbreaking and intense. We all had the chance to speak as long as we liked. I wanted to bear hug every one of them while they shared. The faciltator is an expert on grief and opens her beautiful old Portland home on a regular basis for these grief groups.

My new job is keeping me so busy, I hardly have time to eat, much less dwell on my situation but today I had the day off. I had a look on facebook this morning to catch up with friends and family who are scattered all over the country, all over the world really. The first thing I saw was this "{sigh}...looks like I'm going to be the driver of a minivan by April next year". Posted by a family friend, who is my age. She is about 12 weeks pregnant with her third child, and obviously not thrilled about it. Moments after I read it, I got an email from her mother

"Hi, sweetie,

I know ____'s news can't be easy for you to hear right now. I just wanted you to know you were one of the first things I thought about when I heard. I am happy for her and I'm very excited about the new grandbaby, but my heart is breaking a little for you right now. I love you."

Which totally reduced me to tears, and then I couldnt stop. I cried for about 4 hours. When I was finally able to catch my breath I knew that I had been putting off that visit to the psychiatrist for too long. I phoned my HMO and guess what? They couldnt find an appointment for me ! shocking, eh ? Bastards.. they refered me out of network to a lady who has some experience with postpartum depression and lactation issues, I guess they figure thats about as close to my situation as they can get. Bloody hell. She says she cant see me, shes booked out for months, so Im going to have to phone the HMO mental health dept. yet again the next weekday I get off of work, and see if they can squeeze me in somewhere else. My OB is not comfortable prescribing psychiatric meds.

Despite all these ups and downs, I do feel that I am making progress. I have more good days than bad days. I feel that I am taking care of myself in ways that I never have before, with all the counseling and healthy eating. Not doing self destructive binge drinking when the going gets tough. Inching my way to that time when I will feel brave enough to attempt another pregnancy, and slowly wraping my mind around what will happen if I lose the next round.