I knew it

Im not pregnant this cycle. At least Im 97% sure I wasnt pregnant this cycle. Ever since that July/August hell month of bleeding, being sure it was my period, taking clomid, only to bleed again and find out I had been pregnant. lets just say I dont trust my body on a clomid cycle. I said from then on I would demand a beta before starting another round of clomid but my period seems like the real deal. Its heavy, its red. I tested hpt negative several times in the past two days. I really dont mind having a medicated cycle where Im not pregnant and have to try again, I just despise those months that Ive been pregnant but failing, or just a tiny bit pregnant. Then I have to wait months to physically recover before I can try again. An honest negative is fine, but still a tad disappointing.

Good news is that my luteal phase was 12 days, and I give the luteal phase progesterone all the credit.

This past week has been somewhat draining. The 19th marked one year since my d&c for the baby I carried the longest. The 20th would have been the due date for the baby I lost last spring. I worked both days and did fine, didnt cry until Brian hugged me and said he was so sorry for all that. The 20th was also his 31st birthday and we had a short evening out. I havnt had a major crying melt down in a while, but I get little pangs. The usual stuff, kids at resturants, on the bus, visiting at work, and the holidays creeping up on us. I know its cliche but its during Christmas time that I feel the keenest sense missing motherhood.

On to the next cycle of clomid and Im so sick of taking this stuff. From what I understand most people never do this many cycles of it. Because I respond to it so well, Ive been alloted 12 cycles. 5 to go...