worst fear realized

Regaurding the RE. He said exactly what I was afraid he would say. There will be no more testing, no treatment short of IVF with PGD, or IVF with donor eggs, at a cost of about 20 grand. Again, I cant afford to miscarry such an expensive baby.

He says my chance for carrying the next pregnancy to term is about 50% . Ive lost babies when I have been told my chance had decreased to 2%. 50% seems pretty bleak. He also told me that if I lose one more, my chances for a sucessful future pregnancy plummet. Anvil and I have decided on attempting one more pregnancy, but will probably hold off for a few months. I have a new job starting soon. Not that its the sort of job that would keep me from wanting to ttc, or that I would feel super bad about quitting if the going got tough, pregnancy wise. We could really use the extra income though. I want to start saving money for an adoption.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.

I had a 12 week prenatal visit last fall. The OB that was filling in for my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat on his Doppler, or his wimpy office ultrasound, I was sent over to the radiology dept. for a proper look on a high powered machine. I saw the funniest looking little gummy bear, on its back, arms and legs up. He/she was a 9 week fetus. lying there dead. Ive been haunted by this lately and I'm not sure why. I didn't think about it for the longest time. I suppose it could have started with the panic attack I had while passing the radiology dept. on my way to see my OB the other day. I have a new shrink, and I think we are making some progress. First session she played good cop. She flattered and indulged me. Second session she told me that I'm probably clinically depressed/ anxious. She wants me on medication, and as shes probably the 4th medical professional to suggest this in the past 6 months, I suppose I will have to look into it. The OB has wanted to defer to a prescribing psychiatrist , and the psychiatrist wants to defer to the OB. The new shrink thinks I'm in no emotional condition to try for another baby. She has suggested a six month break to let the meds start working. She feels that my general negative outlook is more due to depression than anything else. I really don't know. I'm not sure I believe that the meds will magically make things better. I will still have lost three pregnancies in the past 9 months. I will still be infertile. My position is that a full term pregnancy with a live birth at the end would go a long way towards a more robust state of mental health.

Tomorrow is the big day. Brian and I are going in at 2 pm to see what the specialist has to say about all this. This guy is really supposed to be top notch. The best of the best. My worst fear is that he will have a look at my chart, ask a few questions, and tell me that we could do some expensive tests , or an IVF with PGD, but that it probably wont make a difference and we will only risk miscarrying a 20 thousand dollar fetus in the future.

I will update after the appointment.