Saturday, January 19, 2013

I could use a live baby check right about now. The midwife has told me that I may go in any Thursday and she can give me a quick scan but I was busy yesterday. I feel such a disconnect from this pregnancy. Not nearly as emotionally attached to it as others. Like I don't really believe that there is a little life in there. It's funny because I thought I would be more attached to a pregnancy after having Titus. Because I know that I can grow a fetus in there that lives and turns into a person. I saw him just about every week between 7 and 15 weeks.  This one I have only seen once. Even though all the bleeding with T was scary, it somehow made it all seem more real.  This is as normal as it has ever been for me and it feels abnormal!

9.5 weeks and I THINK all is well. My breasts have ballooned to pornographic proportions. Well, with the 36 year old sag its more like national geographic. I barfed x 3 on Wednesday. All the usual first trimester complaints, which I am thankful for. I know the nausea will get worse before it gets better and that can be frightening. Constant nausea can send you into a pretty dark head space. Luckily the sun is shining and that is very helpful to me. It's cold but I know that spring is around the corner and so is a return of regular energy levels and wellness.

NH asked about our Christmas. It was a lovely one. A normal, regular, dreams come true sort of Christmas. There was the awkwardness of dealing with our foster Son's birth family and his emotions around the holiday, but it was manageable.  And there were mounds of gifts and a sweet smelling douglas fir tree. Family came 'round. Brian made a boozy figgy pudding and I was still well enough to eat it.  My youngest brother, the one that nearly tore his arm off falling out of a freight train in the fall of 2011, has had a strange and sort of wonderful change of circumstances. He met a girl. They got married in a hobo wedding under the Broadway bridge here in Portland. She got a job and he got financial aid and started school. His wife is only 22 and has a 6 year old son. Her parents had been raising him from the start but her father fell off a cliff while hiking last summer. He died. Her Mother is now a widow at age 46.  My brother and his wife are now taking part in raising that child. They are all sharing a house and making it work. All that to say, that part of my Christmas involved getting new family members. My new SIL , her son who calls me Auntie Emily, and my brother's MIL who is closer to my age and a lot of fun.

Titus has just started walking. He is 14 months old. Did I mention that I am taking him to see the pediatric endocrinologist next month? He is still so small and they just want to be sure that he is doing OK. He is currently 28 inches and 18 lbs. That visit happens just 2 days before his surgery to re repair his penis. Other than all of that he is a healthy guy. He likes to climb and push things around the room.  He likes to ride a knee horsey. Still adding words. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Sick & Ill

I have come  down with a dreadful cold virus. I ache all over, sore throat, sneezing. I can barely function. The cold seems to have triggered my nausea. I have taken the baby sitting job (due to end in July) my friend is really counting on me and I feel totally incapable of even taking care my own children. Brian stayed home today but can't again. My friend looking into getting an alternate sitter for tomorrow but no promise. I feel as though if I am unable to rest, something bad might happen to the pregnancy. And all the usual upsetting thoughts about something going wrong with the pregnancy. I know this will pass but being ill and pregnant and paranoid and inept has to be one of the worst feelings.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

fighting chance

I went in for a "real" ultrasound done by a tech in the radiology department at Kaiser today. It was short and sweet. Except for the unforgiving ultrasound wand. Baby measured right on target and we had a heart beat of 150. I do not feel like we are clear for take off as I have lost them later than this, but I do feel like this gestation #7 has a fighting chance.

The midwife put me on a diet. Fair enough. She wants me to watch my carbs & weight because of my high risk for gestational diabetes. She also wants me to exercise to be as fit as possible for a possible vbac. I must admit the thought of giving birth the natural way at the hospital with a midwife and little medical intervention would be a dream come true. But that is getting ahead of myself. One baby step at a time.

If I make it as far as the anatomy scan I will be seen by the perinatologist. Looking into the new maternal blood draws that test fetal dna. My hospital is behind, the midwife is looking into it for me.

Pregnancy again feels like swimming against the current. Having to go over my complicated history and even the details of my pregnancy with Titus was tiring. Sad.  I like and trust my midwife and I think that means a lot.