Tuesday, May 24, 2011

SCH follow up scan

I finally had an ultrasound to check on the status of my hematoma. The ultrasound tech wouldn't say anything (kaiser says they cant but some are chatty) but I later phoned the OB advice nurse and she read the report. It seems the SCH has about doubled in size to approx 2 cm. They took lots of measurements and I will get them from the midwife when I go in next week for my 16 week appointment. Im betting that this is the last scan before the anatomy ultrasound at 19 weeks.

Facing forward, and you can see his little skull and belly. I got to see a foot. The baby is still small but I am large

not to say I wasn't chubby before becoming pregnant but honestly... my belly is nearly the same size as my sister in law's and she is 30 weeks. Strange how our bodies can be so different.

Everything else seemed to be OK in there. I have now declined ALL genetic testing. I wonder if I'm playing with fire.. but I cant deal with the stress of waiting for results. Anxiety disorder + waiting for amnio results = bad news. I'm taking my chances like my grandmothers did before me.

Our weekend break at mcmenamins edgefield was wonderful. I got my prenatal massage, walked around the grounds, ate some decent if not perfect meals and had a quick dip in the fabulous salt water soaking pool. Didn't want to cook the baby so just enough to feel good for five or ten min then out. Mom was nice enough to stay at our house and look after the girls, who in turn got to bake brownies, get their nails done, and french braids. Worked out nicely for all of us.

Friday, May 20, 2011

I think I'm comfortable leaving the blog public for the time being. I thought I had maybe 20 readers but people are coming out of the woodwork and it would be nice not to have anyone excluded.

Thanks to those of you who emailed.

I just want to say a quick word about cyber bullying. It sounds really silly, and dramatic. Childish, but Ive been doing a lot of reading on the subject. It happens a lot. In chat rooms, social networking sites, message boards and blogs. Adult bullying is common in the workplace. If it happens to you, the worst thing you can do is feed it by reacting strongly. This is what the bully is after. The best thing to do is to calmly tell the bully (or bullies) that its not acceptable report it to admin or moderators and then avoid them if at all possible.

I have an ultrasound next Tuesday to see what the old SCH ended up doing. They also scheduled the anatomy scan for June 21st (the summer solstice). This seems so jinxy to me. They make it seem like no big deal at the doctor's office.

Trying to decide what to do with those embryos on ice and my box full of meds. The meds need to be donated.. they will only last about a year and its not likely at this point that I will end up using them. As for the embryos, thats a bit more tricky. Do I keep them with hope of producing a sibling in a couple of years? Do I keep them in case things go terribly wrong with my current pregnancy? Do I donate them back to the clinic, or try to reach out to somebody who has been trying to find a good batch of embies and do it private? These embryos should be very high quality. Its a rare commodity and I feel guilty sitting on them. They are mine to do whatever I like with. hmm.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

its going to take a while

It might take me a week or so to set up shop elsewhere.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

cold turkey

I am a message board addict. Or at least I have been, these days I tend to binge. Ive had a particular online buddy group for several years and today I think its time to stop. Several of them are being weird about my pregnancy (only one is still trying to get pregnant) and i simply don't have the energy to deal with it. One is constantly questioning my medical care and telling me how unbelievable and odd it is that I only have 2 ultrasound pictures after all the scans I have had , I'm certain that she thinks Ive made the whole thing up.

I feel sad. Ive been in communication with these women on a nearly daily basis for years. I'm sure I can find better ways to fill my time and as far as support goes, I have the blogging community which actually saved my sanity at one time. Maybe more than once.

Monday, May 9, 2011

second trimester

I am 13 weeks today. In my book this is the second trimester. I feel humbled, fearful, needy, anxious, exhausted, slack jawed with surprise (still) and slightly lucky. I have reason to believe that I still have a living fetus inside me. The still constant nausea tells me so. I was naughty and rented a medical grade Doppler, and Ive not been able to find a heartbeat. I am not worrying myself stupid though, I figure if the OB had a hard time finding it last week with her equipment and her expertise, its not shocking that I cant do it. I might send the thing back.

I'm unable to be too wrapped up in my pregnancy because I  have this full time 24 hour job taking care of three very demanding children. They don't demand much for themselves, but their needs demand constant action. I wake up and have to put my best food forward every single day, like it or not. I just fired one social worker who was from an outside agency trying to get even more services for the girls. She was pushy and condescending. DHS gave me their full blessing in telling her to buzz off. Their caseworker told me that saying no sometimes is a good way to take care of myself.  We are very much looking forward to summer. This spring has been wintry and dreary. Maybe 2 days of weather over 60 F. Ive got delightful summer clothes boxed up for the ladies. Been shopping around for swing sets,, maybe a kiddie pool and a sand pit. Our neighborhood is full of young families, so there is always something going on at the park on a summer afternoon. My goal is to decrease all services to the bare minimum and just have fun.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

12 week OB appointment

It went fine. Well.. she couldn't find the heart beat on the Doppler and I started hyperventilating so the doc ran and got her crappy portable ultrasound machine.. and yet again (Ive lost track of how many times I have been scanned) the baby was exactly has he should be. This time awake and so wiggly! He was really going for it today and she couldn't get a good image. I was unable to talk her into another ultrasound in the radiology dept. She said that even if we look at the SCH, it wont make any difference. The anatomy scan will check out the placenta but that isn't for at least 6 weeks.

Fingers crossed that the drama IS over for the time being. I feel like celebrating!

Sunday, May 1, 2011


the bleeding has almost totally let up. I get a little spot of brown every morning and maybe a microscopic bit when I wipe during the day. I wont be surprised if I get a final gush at some point so I have to wear a pad to brace myself for that event. My OB said I can get out of bed and resume normal activity, but to rest if the bleeding gets worse with activity. She wont let me see the perinatologist! well she said that they cant do anything for me right now, but I feel that I deserve to have this thing monitored. At least to see if the SCH is growing larger or shrinking. Tuesday is my 12 week OB appointment and the last one with this particular doctor. Im going to see a midwife in her practice starting at 16 weeks and she told me before any of this started, that she would refer me to a peri whenever I like. This lady had several miscarriages and is very understanding. My goal is to talk the OB into a proper ultrasound in the radiology department in the next week or so. This isnt the time for them to get cheap or treat me like I am being paranoid.

Im still feeling quite sick and instead of being a big drag, its actually pleasing to me. I know you can be sick and still miscarry but I think its less likely.

If there are fetal heart tones on Tuesday i am going public with this pregnancy. A facebook announcement seems a little vulgar but everyone who has to know already knows and I dont want any of them outing me before Im totally ready. Brian wanted to wait til 20 weeks. A part of me who wants to embrace this and enjoy it. Being a member of the infertility club makes you feel like a real misfit when youre pregnant. Im not a happy skippy pregnant lady planning my baby moon and buying stuff at babies r us. Not at all. I think that abject terror is one way to describe some of the last week of my life, but there is also some amount of joy.