Monday, December 28, 2009

Not all that Merry and Bright

Christmas sucked, but not quite as bad as it sucked last year. I got more than a dozen christmas card photos of fat, happy, babies & toddlers. Individually I love them all and the parents that they belong to. As a collective group of toothy grins and red velvet, its pretty damn depressing. All the christmas stuff is coming down in the next few days.

I have recently completed yet another clomid cycle. My period started on December 21st, and I have now finished taking the tablets for this month. Ocassional hot flash, but nothing to write home about. Same old same old. I have been putting a lot of thought into what is going to happen if I dont become pregnant (and carry to term) with these next couple clomid cycles. I phoned the RE and hes talking injects. The inject/ IUI cycles cost between 3 and 4 thousand dollars per cycle. We would be spending money we dont really have, if we had to do more than one. There is also a chance of doing some Femara/ IUI cycles at a cost of about $600 per month. Because I have responded so well to ovarian stimulation, that might the thing to try first. My OB wont prescribe Femara, so the RE would have to monitor the cycle, thus the extra cost. Ive been getting away with clomid cycles for about 150 dollars a month, all told. I have also been giving much thought to adoption, but the truth is the most economical way to build our family is to continue to try for a biological child. With Idiopathic recurrent pregnancy loss, the eventual sucess rates are pretty high. I have that little carrot, and Im going to keep chasing after it for a while.

It's our busy time of year at work and Ive worn myself out with parties and events, I have the next few days off to relax. Zolft seems to be mostly doing its job, but Im sort of losing the highs along with the lows, general feelings of BLAH. Im wondering if resuming my meditation practice or attending some yoga classes would help with my energy levels.

Brian got me a teach yourself spanish CD and book set for christmas, and I intend to have a really good bash at it. Lots of native Spanish speakers at work and would be nice to have an additional communication tool. We also got a couple of books about raising chickens, we are putting a chicken coop in the garden, this spring.

well my friends, I think that it for now. I will update with anything exciting as far as this clomid cycle goes.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I knew it

Im not pregnant this cycle. At least Im 97% sure I wasnt pregnant this cycle. Ever since that July/August hell month of bleeding, being sure it was my period, taking clomid, only to bleed again and find out I had been pregnant. lets just say I dont trust my body on a clomid cycle. I said from then on I would demand a beta before starting another round of clomid but my period seems like the real deal. Its heavy, its red. I tested hpt negative several times in the past two days. I really dont mind having a medicated cycle where Im not pregnant and have to try again, I just despise those months that Ive been pregnant but failing, or just a tiny bit pregnant. Then I have to wait months to physically recover before I can try again. An honest negative is fine, but still a tad disappointing.

Good news is that my luteal phase was 12 days, and I give the luteal phase progesterone all the credit.

This past week has been somewhat draining. The 19th marked one year since my d&c for the baby I carried the longest. The 20th would have been the due date for the baby I lost last spring. I worked both days and did fine, didnt cry until Brian hugged me and said he was so sorry for all that. The 20th was also his 31st birthday and we had a short evening out. I havnt had a major crying melt down in a while, but I get little pangs. The usual stuff, kids at resturants, on the bus, visiting at work, and the holidays creeping up on us. I know its cliche but its during Christmas time that I feel the keenest sense missing motherhood.

On to the next cycle of clomid and Im so sick of taking this stuff. From what I understand most people never do this many cycles of it. Because I respond to it so well, Ive been alloted 12 cycles. 5 to go...

Friday, November 13, 2009

quantity or quality ?

I know that many people spend quite a bit of time carefully crafting clever blog posts. Cutting out the filler and just elegantly taking things down to the essence, creating intrigue and mystery, or meticulously detailing everything that's happened to them in the past several weeks.

I'm not that sort of blogger, yet.

I thought I would mention some of this past weeks highlights very quickly, before my husband arrives home from work and notices that I've sat on my butt all day and done virtually nothing.

I saw the psychiatrist. I now have a proper diagnosis, which is generalized anxiety disorder with catastrophic thinking, made worse by "trauma". The trauma has been the last year of my life. I am now on a low dose of zoloft. She wanted to give me benzodiazepines too, but of course we cant do that while I am trying to get pregnant. valium + pregnancy = bad news. I would happily gobble up all the bennies she's willing to dole out, but oddly I'm not all that thrilled about the zoloft. I suppose I feel if I'm going to poison myself, I should at least get a bit of a kick from it. She said the meds are non negotiable. Fair enough. We start behavioral therapy next week.

Brian and I did our duty and performed the marital act enough times that there should have been plenty O sperm at the ready for whenever that fickle egg decided to make her appearance. Fashionably late probably. I don't trust my temperature charts. I am now aprox 5 dpo and cant relate any possible symptoms or indicators, because I am also on prometrium this cycle, in the luteal phase. The RE wanted me to do this. Also means I wont be able to get my 7 dpo progesterone draw to confirm ovulation. The progesterone makes me queasy, tired, sore breasted, grumpy, bloated, and crampy. Much like early pregnancy.

Being in a two week wait always makes me super anxious, and grouchy. I hate it. If I had to bet, I would say that I will not be pregnant this cycle. Never call tell though, I've said it before and been wrong.

I had a dream last night that Brian was 21 weeks pregnant. I wondered how the hell he had managed to get himself pregnant, but I was so happy that we were expecting.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Follicular phase malaise

I am on cycle day 11 of a medicated cycle, and sick as a dog. Woke up yesterday with a searing sore throat, body ache, and general fatigue. Slept the better part of yesterday, and 11 hours last night. I have pretty much ruled out strep throat, as I just dont think its too common for adults with no tonsils. Swine flu is still a possibility. Waiting to see if I develop a real fever.

Do any of you know if a virus in the follicular phase can prevent ovulation or delay it ? The only other time I was sick at the start of a clomid cycle, I did a wimpy little ovulation.

I only have so many more clomid cycles that I am allowed before they move me onto something else. Something much more expensive no doubt. I want to make the most of the cycles that I do have left but it looks like mother nature is out to get me again.

I finally have a set appointment with the psychiatrist. I can see her and keep seeing her indefinatly, or I can just go in for a med eval and go back to my clinical social worker. I dunno, I guess I will see what I think of her. I like the social worker but Im not sure we are getting much accomplished. I talk and she listens and thats it. Im disappointed to be missing my monthly support group meeting this evening, just too ill to go. Im off to drink a hot toddy and crawl into bed. Already called in sick to work tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A little holiday

My husband and I are going to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary this evening, in some amount of style. We got married in a big rush as he was in the country on a tourists visa. My dad would have thrown us a bigger wedding but he wanted to do it outdoors during the summer months on his property. In the end, we just went to the courthouse at 8 am on a tuesday and got hitched. There was a small party with a few of my friends and my immediate family. His family stayed in England, even though they really wanted to come over. We didn't want them there for what was pretty much a non event, compared to the average modern wedding. In the years that have followed, we have tried to make a big deal of our anniversary to make up for the lack of pomp on the actual day. This year we meant to go out of town, at least as far as Seattle or Vancouver, but perhaps to mexico for a week. With my new job, I cant get away for more than a day and a half, as I have a mandatory meeting on my day off this week !

I have booked us a room for tonight at the hotel Monaco here in Portland, and we will have dinner out. http://www.monaco-portland.com/

I've been running myself ragged at work with new management and tons of organizational stuff to be done. Its going to be so nice to have 24 hours just to relax with my husband.

I have started a clomid cycle. Today will be day two of taking the tablets. Already getting hot flashes, will of course keep you all posted.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Caution be damned

My therapist would like for me to wait to try to conceive. She said "lets get you through the holidays". I feel that the best way to get through the holidays would be to do something something productive, reproductively speaking. My OB thinks we can try again whenever we please. She is happy that I'm doing the counseling and going to the support group. My chinese medicine doc wants me to hold off for another two months at least. I suppose it would be best to reach my ideal BMI, get my chi aligned and my emotions sorted out neatly, but I say phooey. I don't have enough faith in the chinese medicine to hit the snooze button on my biological clock. Because I have some sort of ovulatory dysfunction in addition to my little habitual abortion problem, I feel pressed for time. I will be 34 in March. I know that most women still have a handful of good breedin' years ahead of them by 34 but I am not one of those women. My best years are certainly behind me for baby making, if I ever had them. Im not ovulating on my own, and Im not going to count on becoming pregnant on clomid, as quickly as I have in the past. I have to be prepared for things to take a while, or to be moved on to injectibles and IUI. This has already taken a while. I've lost count of how many cycles I have actually timed intercourse but I do know that I recently found receipts for HPT's dating back to late 2005. Each time I become pregnant and miscarry, I feel as if I just got sent back to the start line of a long foot race. Then there is all the negotiation with the doctors, my husband, our schedules, finances, sex life, fertility meds. I want something I can keep so I don't have to keep starting fresh each time. Weather that be a baby I will give birth to, or a baby I will adopt, I want it soon. My life has been on hold for too long. Its not easy to make career plans or serious work commitments when a pregnancy is looming on the horizon. If I miscarry again we will move right into adoption proceedings. The main reasons for not initiating adoption now are financial ones. Its far less expensive to try for a "free" baby.

All this to say that I'm determined to have another go. phoning the doctor this afternoon to be sure my clomid prescription is ready to go for this next cycle. Im also getting my cd 3 blood work redone, as the last time they took it I was pregnant. Of course we didnt know at the time, but the RE said even though I was miscarrying, the low FSH number probably wasn't correct. I can still avail myself to the chinese medicine. I can still get therapy, but I dont think I can wait much longer.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Remembrance day

Im sure most anyone who reads this blog will know, that October the 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.

Im holding a small private candle lighting ceremony this evening to honor the memory of our collective lost little ones. Too many.

Photobucket

Sunday, October 11, 2009

the psychiatrist

She changed her mind. Shes going to squeeze me in whenever she can. I wonder what gives. Or gave. She probably got the referral from Kaiser and thought "this poor woman really is messed up". Just a little strange after being told that shes not taking any new patients. It's supposed to be for a med eval but they are letting me see her a total of six times if need be. Im pretty happy with my clinical social worker, but I wonder how effective our chats really are. If shes got a goal in mind, other than just letting me spout off.

Friday, October 9, 2009

the way courage comes

THE EMBRYO


When the time comes for the embryo
to receive the spirit of life,
at that time the sun begins to help.
This embryo is brought into movement,
for the sun quickens it with spirit.

From the other stars this embryo
received only an impression,
until the sun shone upon it.
How did it become connected
with the shining sun in the womb?

By ways hidden from our senses:
the way whereby gold is nourished,
the way a common stone becomes a garnet
and the ruby red,
the way fruit is ripened,
and the way courage comes
to one distraught
with fear.

Rumi

We often talk about what a roller coaster this infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss business is. Ive certainly had some highs and lows in recent weeks. I was feeling about as bad as I ever have, after my visit with the RE. I had jumped through so many hoops just to get into that office. All for nothing. Two days later I found myself on the table of a chinese medicine practitioner. Brimming with hope after purchasing The Infertility Cure, by Randine Lewis. This was the first real consideration I had given to attempting chinese medicine, and I dove in with the zeal of the newly converted. I have mostly been adhering to my new anti allergy diet. Im drinking two nasty concoctions of mysterious chinese herbs daily. Ive had the acupuncture. I do wonder if this isnt a bit of voodoo. The western alernatives such as IVIG are equally as dubious. Im trying to read positive stuff about the wonders of TCM, and stick my head in the sand when it comes to really reading up on the research. I want to bask in the placebo effect for as long as possible. This is one of the high points. I started hoping again.

Another high point is the support group that I attended for the first time a few nights ago. These women all have infertility issues, and most of them have suffered infant or pregnancy loss too. This has been heartbreaking and intense. We all had the chance to speak as long as we liked. I wanted to bear hug every one of them while they shared. The faciltator is an expert on grief and opens her beautiful old Portland home on a regular basis for these grief groups.

My new job is keeping me so busy, I hardly have time to eat, much less dwell on my situation but today I had the day off. I had a look on facebook this morning to catch up with friends and family who are scattered all over the country, all over the world really. The first thing I saw was this "{sigh}...looks like I'm going to be the driver of a minivan by April next year". Posted by a family friend, who is my age. She is about 12 weeks pregnant with her third child, and obviously not thrilled about it. Moments after I read it, I got an email from her mother

"Hi, sweetie,

I know ____'s news can't be easy for you to hear right now. I just wanted you to know you were one of the first things I thought about when I heard. I am happy for her and I'm very excited about the new grandbaby, but my heart is breaking a little for you right now. I love you."

Which totally reduced me to tears, and then I couldnt stop. I cried for about 4 hours. When I was finally able to catch my breath I knew that I had been putting off that visit to the psychiatrist for too long. I phoned my HMO and guess what? They couldnt find an appointment for me ! shocking, eh ? Bastards.. they refered me out of network to a lady who has some experience with postpartum depression and lactation issues, I guess they figure thats about as close to my situation as they can get. Bloody hell. She says she cant see me, shes booked out for months, so Im going to have to phone the HMO mental health dept. yet again the next weekday I get off of work, and see if they can squeeze me in somewhere else. My OB is not comfortable prescribing psychiatric meds.

Despite all these ups and downs, I do feel that I am making progress. I have more good days than bad days. I feel that I am taking care of myself in ways that I never have before, with all the counseling and healthy eating. Not doing self destructive binge drinking when the going gets tough. Inching my way to that time when I will feel brave enough to attempt another pregnancy, and slowly wraping my mind around what will happen if I lose the next round.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

worst fear realized

Regaurding the RE. He said exactly what I was afraid he would say. There will be no more testing, no treatment short of IVF with PGD, or IVF with donor eggs, at a cost of about 20 grand. Again, I cant afford to miscarry such an expensive baby.

He says my chance for carrying the next pregnancy to term is about 50% . Ive lost babies when I have been told my chance had decreased to 2%. 50% seems pretty bleak. He also told me that if I lose one more, my chances for a sucessful future pregnancy plummet. Anvil and I have decided on attempting one more pregnancy, but will probably hold off for a few months. I have a new job starting soon. Not that its the sort of job that would keep me from wanting to ttc, or that I would feel super bad about quitting if the going got tough, pregnancy wise. We could really use the extra income though. I want to start saving money for an adoption.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.


I had a 12 week prenatal visit last fall. The OB that was filling in for my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat on his Doppler, or his wimpy office ultrasound, I was sent over to the radiology dept. for a proper look on a high powered machine. I saw the funniest looking little gummy bear, on its back, arms and legs up. He/she was a 9 week fetus. lying there dead. Ive been haunted by this lately and I'm not sure why. I didn't think about it for the longest time. I suppose it could have started with the panic attack I had while passing the radiology dept. on my way to see my OB the other day. I have a new shrink, and I think we are making some progress. First session she played good cop. She flattered and indulged me. Second session she told me that I'm probably clinically depressed/ anxious. She wants me on medication, and as shes probably the 4th medical professional to suggest this in the past 6 months, I suppose I will have to look into it. The OB has wanted to defer to a prescribing psychiatrist , and the psychiatrist wants to defer to the OB. The new shrink thinks I'm in no emotional condition to try for another baby. She has suggested a six month break to let the meds start working. She feels that my general negative outlook is more due to depression than anything else. I really don't know. I'm not sure I believe that the meds will magically make things better. I will still have lost three pregnancies in the past 9 months. I will still be infertile. My position is that a full term pregnancy with a live birth at the end would go a long way towards a more robust state of mental health.

Tomorrow is the big day. Brian and I are going in at 2 pm to see what the specialist has to say about all this. This guy is really supposed to be top notch. The best of the best. My worst fear is that he will have a look at my chart, ask a few questions, and tell me that we could do some expensive tests , or an IVF with PGD, but that it probably wont make a difference and we will only risk miscarrying a 20 thousand dollar fetus in the future.

I will update after the appointment.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Im not taking this lying down

During the past 10 months dealing with recurrent pregnancy loss one thought keeps crossing my mind. The medical community does not care. They just dont give a flying fuck. Many doctors seem to not really even consider a person pregnant, until they are safely tucked into their second trimester. I know in my mother's day that she never saw a doctor until she had missed at least two periods. Most people that miscarry, do so only once or twice. Its never investigated because it never needs to be. They become pregnant again and have a healthy baby. But I have found that the same attitude of "wait and see what happens next time" still applies to those of us who keep going through it. They might do a recurrent miscarriage workup, but they tell you that 50% of the time, there are no answers. This seems OK to the medical community at large. I wonder where the sense of urgency is surrounding all of this ?This is death we are talking about. This is the loss of pined after and longed for new life. This has been my experience with my hospital, my HMO, my OB, and her co workers. Im wondering now, if there isnt something better out there for me. If a reproductive endocrinologist or a fetal medicine specialist might take my hand and tell me that the DO care. That this is not ok, and that something must be done.

I have written a rather impassioned letter (email) to my OB. Basically, Im saying its time for her to shit or get off the pot. I want these final tests done, including a lap & or a hysterosonogram. I want my NK cells looked at, and whatever else they can pull out of their medical bag of tricks. I want empiric treatment for my next pregnancy possibly including heparin shots, broad spectrum antibiotics, steriods, prescription folate, progesterone in the luteal phase, and that tender loving care that so many people say increases the chances of a sucessful pregnancy, for somebody like me with Idiopathic RPL.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I could have created some compelling blog drama

This past month could have produced a tension filled, emotionally charged blog to follow. I didn't have the heart to do it. At 5 weeks 3 days I started bleeding. A gush of blood in the toilet. My OB had me go in to her office for a urine test, and a beta hcg draw. My HCG number was fine. It had doubled up as expected from the previous draw at 15 days past ovulation. My urine tested clear for infection. I was sent home. Another small gush of blood as I was preparing steaks for the oven that evening. My husband came home and we took a taxi to the hospital. My HMO has recently consolidated its former 2 emergency rooms to one. The waiting room was packed with about 50 people. I was triage after about an hour and a half. Nobody was being called back. More people kept checking in. I was seen by a doctor nearly 7 hours after I arrived. By that time I was hungry and terrified that I was losing my pregnancy. An ultrasound showed nothing visible in my uterus. There should have been a measurable sac. The ER doc assured me it was still early, to give it a few days. The bleeding was light but consistent, sometimes pink, mostly brown and gunky. Two days later my OB's office called me in to have yet another hcg draw. They put me in a stuffy waiting room for almost two hours while I waited for the result. An advice nurse informed me that my hcg had only gone up slightly, which suggested an ectopic pregnancy at worst, a garden variety miscarriage at best. I lost my shit. I stood up and shouted at the nurse. I was angry for having to wait in that stuffy room. I was angry at the doctors for not doing a recurrent miscarriage workup on me the last time. I was angry about having waited in the ER for so long , and I was just so sad and angry that this was happening again. The nurse told me to go home and return in 48 hours for an hcg draw, so they could get a better idea of what was going on.Less than pleased about the prospect of going home to wait for the terrible pain and possible tube bursting that can happen with an ectopic pregnancy, I swore and insisted on seeing a doctor. My OB wasn't in the office so they had the lady that had performed my last d&c come in. In the end I had to agree to keep having my hcg monitored until they could be reasonably sure to see something on an ultrasound. My final hcg draw = a number that was still going steadily up, but not nearly how it ought to have been. At 6 weeks 3 days I finally had that ultrasound. The tech was tight lipped the entire exam. I knew I was looking at a pregnancy sac with a heartbeat, but had no idea where it was. Could have been my uterus, could have been a tube or an ovary. I was put in that same stuffy waiting room after the exam, an hour and a half later the nurse came in with a few jotted down notes. "Congratulations, there is a baby with a heartbeat in there" my response "whatever, I want to speak to the doctor". The doctor on staff told me that the test was inconclusive. Sure I had a live pregnancy in my uterus of the appropriate size for my conception date. but it was surrounded by a pool of blood in my uterus, and was situated fairly low in there. They said it was most likely that I would miscarry, but that there was a slight chance that it might be a totally normal pregnancy. I knew it was all bad news. I asked my doctor for a d&c that week, and she told me to hang in there on the chance that the embryo was just trying to form a better attachment. ten days later I had a routine prenatal appointment. What should have been my first for that pregnancy. No heartbeat, dead fetus.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

catching up

I started this blog feeling that I would be trying to conceive for some time. That I might be heading towards advanced reproductive procedures that would need to be fretted over, dissected, and discussed.

But now Im pregnant. 4 weeks and three days. Every day feels like a land mine, narrowly side stepped. My period should have arrived on monday, march 9th. You will remember that I have a very short luteal phase. On thursday, the 12th I took a dollar store test with a super faint line. Brian was not impressed. I convinced my stepmother to help me sneak out for a proper test. An Answer brand HPT. the result was clearly positive but ever so faint. Took a beta blood test that afternoon and got the results early on friday the 13th. It was positive but the number was low. 18 for 13 days past ovulation. Doctor requested another test to be performed 48 hours after the first one. The second number was 64. They want it to at least double in 24 hours and it did that and then some.

After two miscarriages it feels almost impossible to bring a pregnancy to term.

Monday, March 2, 2009

The waiting

Everything is set up for a good outcome this cycle. It looks like the month I got pregnant, I ovulated on the correct day. I could let myself become very excited, the problem is that I read too much. I know the stats. I find myself struggling to put a happy spin on it. I chat with all these super optimistic women. They can be 4 years into infertility treatments with 5 miscarriages and a still birth under their belts, and still just KNOW that next month is going to be THE month. I don't know if its stupidity or blind faith. I suppose they keep hoping because the have to, what do you do when you give up on something like that ? nobody wants to admit defeat when they have been putting up a brave fight.

Friday is my 33rd birthday. I also go in to get my progesterone drawn to confirm ovulation for this cycle. From what I understand, it is not at all easy to get blood out of me. In June it took three different phlebotomists no less than nine collective attempts to get two small vials of blood. I once had a lab tech call me "the turnip" because they just cant get the blood out. Anyhow, going in for that poking on my birthday is adding insult to injury. I don't mind the pain, its just the inconvenience,, I always end up telling them I'm so sorry to take up so much of their time.

I have 8 more days in the dreaded wait. If I am pregnant this cycle, my due date will be November 20th, My husband's birthday. I couldnt imagine a nicer gift.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Just in time for valentines day

My period arrived. These past few periods (post d&c) have been brutal. Heavy flow. Clots. Lots of money spent padding the pocket books of whoever takes the Always brand sanitary napkin profits at proctor and gamble.

So this is clomid cycle four. Im feeling rather frustrated, as I dont know if Im going to respond this time around. I fully expected at least a good strong ovulation last month, if no pregnancy. I dont seem to be experiencing the awful clomid side effects that many other women report. Maybe a mild hot flash here, a twinge of a headache there. I have a pretty good idea of what my chances are of becoming pregnant this time around. Between 10 and 15 % depending on who you ask. If this cycle brings no joy we are taking a break. My sister-in-law is getting married in England this coming May. Right now we intend to be there. Anvil and I will attend the wedding, have our holiday, and think about what we can do apon our return. I have one more clomid cycle with my OB. Then we get thrown to the wolves (aka consults with local RE's). None of this will be paid for by insurance and its a big step from a funding point of view. How the hell do people do it ?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

it was a bad egg

Probably. My seven day post ovulation progesterone draw was 9. 9 is bad. especially for a medicated cycle. My uusal level at that time of the month is 8.5, doctors like to see something above ten on a non medicated cycle, and 15 or better for a clomid cycle. Dr says the egg was to blame. Most likely. She is going to keep me on the same dose of the clomid for now.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

dropped an egg

I appear to have ovulated. According to my bbt chart. Its probably too late in my cycle. Thanks for nothing, ovaries.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

my story thus far

I am trying to get pregnant and carry to term. I met my husband in an msn chat room, Spring of '02. He lived in England and I was in Northern California. We spent many happy months getting to know eachother via email and instant messaging. He started phoning me that winter, and by spring '03 had talked me into an extended visit. I returned 9 months later for an even more extended visit, at which time we decided the only way we would be able to spend time together would be to get married. We looked into work visas, student visas, nothing was feasable. He finished grad school in September of '04 . By that time I was living in Oregon. He arrived at the Seattle airport with a large duffel bag , his laptop comuter, and a mild panic attack. We set up housekeeping in a small apartment and got busy building a life together. Immigration was long and arduous. I went back to school for a while, and Brian found work. We worked hard and paid off student loans. Eventually we purchased a house. The inevitable next step was starting a family.

We had started our married life with a sort of devil-may-care attitude about pregnancy. We wanted children , and had a vauge notion that they would come "later". I think there is still a large package of condoms squirelled away in a box. I was on the pill for a short time but I didnt like the way it made me feel . At some point I noticed that my cycles had been getting shorter and shorter. My OB suggested I start using ovulation predictor kits to check for ovulation. I did get positive sticks, only way too late into my short cycles. In May of '08 my Ob told me that 2 or more years of unprotected sex probably should have yielded a pregnancy. They ran tests. A hysterosalpingogram for me, a semen analysis for Brian. some basic blood work for me. Turns out I had low progesterone. Borderline for ovulation, according to the doctor. She prescribed clomid. By this time I had my husband on board with actually trying to conceive. First cycle of clomid = no pregnancy. Second cycle of clomid in September of '08 = pregnant. Joy ! We couldn't have afforded more expensive interventions. Luck was on our side . 7 week ultrasound showed a strong early heartbeat. 11.5 week ultrasound revealed dead fetus. It was what they call a "missed abortion". D&C operation the next day.

Here I am now. I am 18 days into my first post miscarriage Clomid cycle. I think its a bust. I think I ovulated too late (yesterday). I have been temping, charting, opking, and using message boards like a mad woman. This is all to stave off my sense of impending doom. Feel free to join me during my two week wait ( its always less than that for me) and feel free to leave a comment.