Saturday, November 21, 2009

I knew it

Im not pregnant this cycle. At least Im 97% sure I wasnt pregnant this cycle. Ever since that July/August hell month of bleeding, being sure it was my period, taking clomid, only to bleed again and find out I had been pregnant. lets just say I dont trust my body on a clomid cycle. I said from then on I would demand a beta before starting another round of clomid but my period seems like the real deal. Its heavy, its red. I tested hpt negative several times in the past two days. I really dont mind having a medicated cycle where Im not pregnant and have to try again, I just despise those months that Ive been pregnant but failing, or just a tiny bit pregnant. Then I have to wait months to physically recover before I can try again. An honest negative is fine, but still a tad disappointing.

Good news is that my luteal phase was 12 days, and I give the luteal phase progesterone all the credit.

This past week has been somewhat draining. The 19th marked one year since my d&c for the baby I carried the longest. The 20th would have been the due date for the baby I lost last spring. I worked both days and did fine, didnt cry until Brian hugged me and said he was so sorry for all that. The 20th was also his 31st birthday and we had a short evening out. I havnt had a major crying melt down in a while, but I get little pangs. The usual stuff, kids at resturants, on the bus, visiting at work, and the holidays creeping up on us. I know its cliche but its during Christmas time that I feel the keenest sense missing motherhood.

On to the next cycle of clomid and Im so sick of taking this stuff. From what I understand most people never do this many cycles of it. Because I respond to it so well, Ive been alloted 12 cycles. 5 to go...

Friday, November 13, 2009

quantity or quality ?

I know that many people spend quite a bit of time carefully crafting clever blog posts. Cutting out the filler and just elegantly taking things down to the essence, creating intrigue and mystery, or meticulously detailing everything that's happened to them in the past several weeks.

I'm not that sort of blogger, yet.

I thought I would mention some of this past weeks highlights very quickly, before my husband arrives home from work and notices that I've sat on my butt all day and done virtually nothing.

I saw the psychiatrist. I now have a proper diagnosis, which is generalized anxiety disorder with catastrophic thinking, made worse by "trauma". The trauma has been the last year of my life. I am now on a low dose of zoloft. She wanted to give me benzodiazepines too, but of course we cant do that while I am trying to get pregnant. valium + pregnancy = bad news. I would happily gobble up all the bennies she's willing to dole out, but oddly I'm not all that thrilled about the zoloft. I suppose I feel if I'm going to poison myself, I should at least get a bit of a kick from it. She said the meds are non negotiable. Fair enough. We start behavioral therapy next week.

Brian and I did our duty and performed the marital act enough times that there should have been plenty O sperm at the ready for whenever that fickle egg decided to make her appearance. Fashionably late probably. I don't trust my temperature charts. I am now aprox 5 dpo and cant relate any possible symptoms or indicators, because I am also on prometrium this cycle, in the luteal phase. The RE wanted me to do this. Also means I wont be able to get my 7 dpo progesterone draw to confirm ovulation. The progesterone makes me queasy, tired, sore breasted, grumpy, bloated, and crampy. Much like early pregnancy.

Being in a two week wait always makes me super anxious, and grouchy. I hate it. If I had to bet, I would say that I will not be pregnant this cycle. Never call tell though, I've said it before and been wrong.

I had a dream last night that Brian was 21 weeks pregnant. I wondered how the hell he had managed to get himself pregnant, but I was so happy that we were expecting.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Follicular phase malaise

I am on cycle day 11 of a medicated cycle, and sick as a dog. Woke up yesterday with a searing sore throat, body ache, and general fatigue. Slept the better part of yesterday, and 11 hours last night. I have pretty much ruled out strep throat, as I just dont think its too common for adults with no tonsils. Swine flu is still a possibility. Waiting to see if I develop a real fever.

Do any of you know if a virus in the follicular phase can prevent ovulation or delay it ? The only other time I was sick at the start of a clomid cycle, I did a wimpy little ovulation.

I only have so many more clomid cycles that I am allowed before they move me onto something else. Something much more expensive no doubt. I want to make the most of the cycles that I do have left but it looks like mother nature is out to get me again.

I finally have a set appointment with the psychiatrist. I can see her and keep seeing her indefinatly, or I can just go in for a med eval and go back to my clinical social worker. I dunno, I guess I will see what I think of her. I like the social worker but Im not sure we are getting much accomplished. I talk and she listens and thats it. Im disappointed to be missing my monthly support group meeting this evening, just too ill to go. Im off to drink a hot toddy and crawl into bed. Already called in sick to work tomorrow.