better

This week finds me in a more relaxed state of mind. I really do want to support Brian in his career goals. Its not entirely true that I dont have any of my own, I would just prefer to be a stay at home mum, in a perfect world. I have been putting off taking the oregon board of massage practical exam. Its a 2 hour oral exam with 3 examiners. The thought of it actually causes panic, but I have been discovering that in nearly every other state in the Union, they dont have these strict laws and tough exams for massage therapists. The national written exam that I already sat for and passed with flying colors is perfectly good. So this is a way to work less and earn more, and Im thankful for that.

Im still mentally gearing up for my upcoming IUI cycles. Still need to speak to Dr. B to see if he will allow the femara/ low dose inject protocol. I have a pretty good feeling about it.

I went to bed at 11 last night and slept til 11 this morning. Sort of wonder if Im fighting off a virus. Work is physically taxing and I probably just needed to rest up. Trying to think if there is anything else that is noteworthy.. one of my best girlfriends has moved back to portland from san fran. Im so happy shes here and she may end up living with us for a couple of months while she gets on her feet. Im still losing weight, slowly. Purchased a new pair of jeans a couple of days ago. Size 6 ! with room to wiggle. This probably seems quite small to a lot of women but you have to know that I am only 5'2 with a teeny tiny frame. I still have a lot of body fat and a big apple shaped gut. I can easily lose 15 more lbs and still be round and curvy.

my lunch is almost ready. I made potato leek soup with the veg from the box its so good.

Gobsmacked

My husband shocked me a week or two ago, by telling me that he deeply desires to go back to college and do a phd or a psyD in clinical psychology. I am proud of his ambition and hate the fact that hes been unhappy at his job here in Portland, but this changes everything. We will have to sell our fancy little house. At a loss. We will have to pack up everything and pretty much wont know where we are going til the last second. I will have to work full time to support us during the 5 years that one of these programs will take, and we will come out of it at least 150 thousand dollars in debt.. just loans to cover tuition. No shit. I moved a lot when I was a kid, and even more as an adult. I just got comfortable in this house, and its physically unsettling to me to think about leaving. Ive made it very very plain to Brian, that this does not mean Im giving up on MY big dream, of having a family. I dont have any career ambitions to speak of or desire to fill any sort of artistic void. All I really care about is being a wife to Brian, and a mother to children. Best case situation, is that I manage to get pregnant in the next year or so and carry to term. Worst case is that I never do, and we cant afford to adopt 6 years from now, when saddled with those crushing student loans. Its all a hell of a lot to think about. The work it will take to put the house on the market. Saving money, no holidays, work work work. Blat.

My OB has given me 3 final rounds of Clomid, to reach my 12 cycle lifetime maximum. Shes also put in another referal to the RE. Brian has agreed to 3 cycles of Femara and IUI (plus low does injects?) with the RE, if needed. So Ive got 6 fair chances and becoming pregnant in the near future. OB has ordered a baseline ultrasound next cycle, and some mystery blood work that she wants.. have to ask her what thats all about. Im on a break from now until march, and it feels sort of good. Im burnt out on TTC in a way thats impossible to describe.

i know this post is all over the place and Ive a lot of housework to do so Im going to wrap it up.