The midwife appointment on Thursday went reasonably well. I started out telling the midwife that I was nervous because the first time I made it to 12 weeks there was no heart beat on doppler, OB went and got the portable ultrasound machine and we discovered a non living fetus. The second time I made it to 12, no hb on doppler, frantic scrambling for the ultrasound and Titus was fine. She said she was going to use the doppler anyhow because "it will be so reassuring for you to hear it instead of see it". She was wrong! She tried for ages and could not find that lovely galloping sound.  Another scramble for the machine and then my bladder was so full she was struggling to find anything. finally found gestational sack but it was so blurry. After some amount of fiddling she was able to point out the heart beat and then we saw a fair bit of movement. These portable office machines are nothing like the fancy ones they have in radiology or perinatology. This was what I was trying to explain to the daft cows in my so called online buddy group back in 2011. That quick scans from the OB or Midwife to check for fetal heart tones were not going to yield the same sorts of images or print outs that a planned scan with a proper machine would. Ugh. That was when they started accusing me of faking my pregnancy. I am still mad about that. Bunch of bitches. But I digress.

By the end of the appointment I was feeling pretty confident that I did have a live fetus in there. Since the appointment was an early morning one, and I had not yet eaten anything they had me pop over to the lab to do a very early 1 hour glucose test which I failed miserably. Not quite high enough not to have to do the 3 hour but not far off. I now have to do the GD diet (which she wanted me on anyhow) until I can schedule the 3 hour with a Kaiser lab. This might be a week or so. Very busy right now and Titus has his surgery on Friday. I have an NT scan on Tuesday. Titus sees the pediatric endocrinologist on Wednesday. I am also doing day care all week and juggling those appointments with family to help out. I don't mind the GD diet too much. Right now. I bet it would get old by the end of a pregnancy. Pleased that they she did order the test early. I can now eat as healthy as possible and make sure to get my exercise in. The healthier I am the better my chances of a vbac. 

I still worry about miscarrying. In fact I was just imagining going to the NT scan on Tuesday by myself, only to find no heart beat. I am not sure that fear would go away even if I had 5 more babies. A part of me feels like I cheated fate by bringing Titus into the world, and that I won't be so lucky again. I know it isn't logical. That is just one of the many ways recurrent miscarriage messes with your head. Trying to keep positive and look forward to a healthy infant and birth. I like to take virtual tours of the hospital I will be delivering at. 

I have not  been in for a fetal heart tones check. I am watching another baby during the day and it is just not very feasible. I would either have to take both babes with me (logistical nightmare) or bow out for the day.  If I wasn't feeling so very sick the need would be greater. As it is, my 12 week midwife appointment is coming up this Thursday. I will be very surprised if anything is not as it should be. 

Foster son "M" is still in limbo. We will be done with foster parenting once he moves. I feel like we gave it a really really good run. I have no more energy for dealing with the system. I have been worn thin by the indifference of his particular caseworker. Deaf stone wall. Our certification worker paid us a visit last Friday. We found ourselves saying over and over "we just want the caseworker to do her job". We were informed that she does not like us very well because we are critical of her work. Boo hoo. Just do your damn job lady and there will be no problem! The case transferred to her in October and she did not open the file until December, and then she got it all wrong. Couldn't figure out that the grandmother had already bombed a home study. Informed us a few weeks ago that she does not have a plan for M and will not until the permanency hearing in April. Not any definitive action mind you, just a plan. An idea of what might happen, something to aim for. Meanwhile M has been in care for over 2 years. He does not even remember his life before entering foster care. Caseworker is supposed to pay us a monthly visit at home. She has not been out once. 4 months behind. They continue to give him visits with his father as if reunification is right around the corner. Confuses the hell out of the poor kid. They even let him spend the night with his Dad around Christmas. I dealt with the repercussions of that for days afterwards. He came home and shit his pants. The boy had never had a soiling accident before that. He is almost 6 years old.|

I have been invited to a girls lunch and spa visit on Sunday. Just what the doctor ordered for the grumpy, frumpy, pregnant lady. I will be sure to update on Thursday no matter what the news.