another bust

Im not pregnant. This brings to an end a long year of trying to get knocked up. My last pregnancy was in July/August of last year. I have no idea why I was able to become pregnant so easily with meds starting 2 years ago and now.. nothing. Im still ovulating Brian is still producing motile sperm. My only thought is that I have an egg quality issue, and it keeps getting worse as I age. When I was in my 20's, I could get pregnant on my own, but had a tendency to bleed / miscarry in early pregnancy. Weather or not I will try again.. ugh. Right now I say no. Im tired beyond measure and sick of having so many hormones in my system. I have felt like the world is caving in on me the past couple of days, and really its just that I stopped my luteal phase progesterone and will soon get my period.

Embryo donation, still being seriously considered. Just not at all sure that i want to keep beating up my ovaries with more clomid.

The social worker was here for 4 hours interviewing Brian today. Its my turn tomorrow. I have 8 more days of work left. My stepfather is coming this weekend to help Brian erect the garden shed. This will give us some much needed storage for the things that are in our spare rooms. Next week I might start painting the children's rooms. I fancy a sort of sky blue with sunshine yellow accents in one room. not sure about the other. Our entire house is painted a light charcoal gray with white wood/ trim. I dont like it, too drab for this part of the country. Still undecided about furnishings. Used or unused. probably best to get a crib and mattress new but Im still on the hunt for dressers/ changing tables. For those of you who have children, how essential is a rocking chair or glider, for an infant? My mother rocked me to sleep every night until I was about 8, I was also breastfed until I was two and a half. I think mom practiced attachment parenting before it had a name. Anyhow, I wonder if most kids enjoy being rocked as much as I did.

Thwarted

I just phoned that clinic in Eugene that is supposed to do embryo donation, only they dont. Not really "maybe one or two a year". They dont actually have any sort of program. I then phoned Oregon Health Sciences university fertility clinic. This is the other major clinic in town, other than mine. They dont do it either. Well they have, but only a handful of times in the many years they have been operatiing. So I got back on the phone and left messages at major clinics in Seattle and LA. I dont want to have to travel in the event that we do this, but it looks like there is no choice. I hate that this has to be so bloody hard, at every turn. I would love to wake up to a baby, in a basket, on my doorstep. Hell if Im going to travel I might as well get a good vacation out of it. Maybe South Africa? Maybe somewhere in Eastern Europe. hmmm.

Homestudy has started, but not by any means finished. Brian has a 3 hour interview with our social worker on the 28th. 4 hours for me on the 29th, she said it will take longer because my family is "much more complicated". Which brings to mind this scene from the film Blade Runner

I actually have almost 100% good feelings about my mother, and well you know,, Im not a Replicant. So this should go just fine.

a week or so after that we will have our final interview and saftey inspection.

Work is winding down. I have to work tomorrow on what should be my day off, because we are putting on a carnival for the residents. Should be a real cluster f*ck! oh well, more money for me. I desire a petunia picklebottom diaper bag, but they cost more than my wedding ring did! Still havnt purchased anything for the kids rooms, but been shopping.

EDIT MAYBE NOT SO THWARTED,JUST GOT A CALL FROM THE CLINIC IN SEATTLE, THEY DO EMBRYO DONATION! THEY HAVE A PROGRAM, BUT THEY WONT TAKE JUST ANYONE. SHE ASKED ME A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS AND SAID WE CAN DO IT BECAUSE OF OUR SAD HISTORY OF INFERTILITY AND EARLY LOSS. SHE SAID NOT MANY PEOPLE WHO INQUIRE ACTUALLY QUALIFY. IM GOING TO MAKE AN INITAL APPOINTMENT JUST TO SEE WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT AND HOW MUCH IT COSTS THEN IN A YEARS TIME IF WE ARE NO CLOSER TO AN ADOPTION THROUGH THE STATE WE WILL GO AHEAD AND TRY IT I LOVE TO HAVE A PLAN!!!!BONUS FOR A TRIP ON THE TRAIN AND AN OVERNIGHT STAY IN SEATTLE.

Nesting?

Is it possible that I am nesting in anticipation of foster children? Yesterday I washed/polished all my wooden blinds, which are on every window in the house. Very unlike me. Today I sanitized every surface in the kitchen, including all the appliances and bleached out the washing machine. Then, I decided it was time to seal/stain the grout on the entire kitchen floor. its midnight and I have just finished. I had Brian order a kit for a new garden shed,, I could go on. Maybe Im just paranoid about the homestudy, but maybe nesting instinct isnt totally hormone based. perhaps its psychological. hmm. I wonder if other fostering/adopting parents get this urge.

Homestudy

Our foster certifier will be here most of this coming Friday afternoon. This will be the first time we have met with her face to face. This is the start of the homestudy, my guess is that she will come out one final time before placement and that she will make us go to her office in the next couple of weeks so we can be interviewed seperately regarding what our foster/ adoption instructor calls the "sex,drugs, and rock & roll" questionnaire. We have 3 Thursday evening classes to finish, that wrap up on August 5th.

My emotional bank account at work is running pretty dry. I am an activity director at a large nursing home, and we have some very challenging residents at the moment. These are not sweet old men and ladies, these are physically disabled folks in their 50's and 60's who are also mentally ill. They manipulate, lie, try to get you fired, and are physically violent, and Im just feeling burnt out! I have been doing similar work for the better part of 11 years and have never had so many buttons pushed. Four more weeks, four more weeks. Luckily I do have the support of a great mental health team at work who know that I have more 1 on 1 interaction with the residents than almost anyone else in the building, and they give me helpful coping tips.

I took a taxi home from work on friday night and somehow left my credit card in the cab. It was stolen. The credit card company phoned yesterday afternoon to say that there had been some shady looking charges made over the course of friday evening and saturday morning. 600 dollars worth. Of course we had the bank cancel the card and I filed a police report. An officer came out ten min. after I phoned. It seems that the culprit is not very intelligent and made purchases at major department stores and drug stores where there are video cameras. We wont have to pay for these charges but its still rather upsetting. The credit card company will have to pay and they will be the ones to press charges should it go to court at some point. I hate to think it was the cab driver.. ugh.

Not much to report as far as this femara cycle goes. Cycle day 11 with a lilly white OPK. Side effects not to bad this time around, except for one day of splitting headache and a couple of hotflashes. Maybe slightly more irritable than usual, but that could also be attributed to the 100 degree heat we had for a few days.

Donated Embryos ?

Have any of you looked into this, or known anyone who has done it? I thought of it about 6 months ago but put it on the back burner because we didnt have anyone locally who was doing it. I found out today that a clinic in Eugene (100 miles south of me) is doing this, for a flat fee. The cost is a fraction of what a traditional IVF or IVF with donor eggs would be. Its sort of like adopting potential children. Brian says he might be willing to give it a shot, if we find ourselves no closer to either adopting or birthing a year from now.

I dont have pneumonia, so far as they can tell. I was given a big dose of broad spectrum antibiotics which will end today, just in case. Coughing up less stuff so maybe there was some sort of low grade bacterial infection in there. I have gained 7 lbs in the past 2.5 weeks on the steroids. Gulp. Im still easily winded and a little wheezy in the evenings. The steroids are done in 4 days, and I really hope I never have to take them again. To think I used to be a smoker, cant imagine that now.

A packet of Femara appeared at my door this past week. A gift from a friend and I decided to play doctor and up my dose to 5mg. I produced one mature follicle on 2.5 but my lp was still so darned short, even with the double luteal phase prometrium. My OB thinks the higher doses are better for my crumby lp for some reason. I figure it cant hurt. This will be the last cycle before I take a 3 month break. I will take the 3 final doses of clomid and perhaps one final dose of femara, and if I still dont have a baby thats probably the end. I will still have the mexican clomid but Im feeling like I have to draw the line somewhere. Some research suggests diminishing returns after 3 non pregnant medicated cycles but I think thats all out the window for somebody like me with an ovulation disorder, who ovulates on the meds and has been pregnant on them several times. I cant afford injects even if my RE was willing to do them. Ive told Brian that in 5 or 6 years I would like to try a pregnancy with donor eggs, if we have the 20 grand, but perhaps by then we will have completed our family through adoptions.