A change of heart

I decided to have a nice long think and try to get to the bottom of why I have been so angry and anxious lately. Im angry because I am anxious. I am anxious because I have no control over whats happening right now. No control over Brian being wishy washy about embryo donation. No control over when they place kids in my house. I have given up my job to be a foster mother, but most of my time has been spent waiting. I think its reasonable that I am a little on edge about this. My next thought was, what can I do? I can run everything past Brian. And I did. He is a bit anxious and uncertain himself. He confirmed that he is just not feeling an embryo donation attempt. He wants another shot at a bio child.

Im going to speak to Dr. B (RE) about an IUI with inject cycle or two for this spring. I know we havnt had much luck with our own genetic material. I know that its a long shot, even getting pregnant this way. So far they havnt been keen on my doing IUI with injects, because of the cost, and because its not any sort of treatment for RPL, not to mention that I was responding fairly well to oral meds. It seems that at this late date, after years of trying and so many failed medicated cycles that its reasonable to ask for gonadotropins. I still feel that if pregnant, I stand a decent chance of carrying to term. I know adopting a few little embryos is a much safter way to hedge our bets, but Brian just isnt there quite yet. Embryo donation is something that can be done in a year, or in 5 years. Im still only 34. I have to keep telling myself that lots of women have babies in their late 30's and early 40's. My Grandmother's each had a baby in their 40's. In fact my paternal grandma got married at 28. Her first child (Henry) was born still. A year later, she gave birth to boy girl twins, then proceded to have 5 more children.

I think part of my anger has been coming from having to except that this is still a process. That my chances of a quick fix faded a long time ago. I just have to do what I can, and that is all I can do. I gotta except that I could still be childless, and trying for years to come. If I didnt want this so bad, I would have already given up.

Rage

I cant remember all the stages of grief. I seem to get stuck in the anger stage. I thought it was nearly over, but the past week or so, I have been waking up with panic attacks, in a blind, red, rage. I dream of having to exlain to random people, the reason that I have no children. How do you let go of the anger? To think of everything that still needs to be done in order for me to have a child to call my own pisses me off. For most people, its easier than ordering takeout. An afternoon quicky produces a live child. I hate that it all has to be tied up with time and money and negotation. My options have narrowed down to three. Adopt through foster care (long shot) give birth via embryo donation (long shot) Be content without children (Im not sure this is possible). Brian is tepid about embryo donation. I think in the end, he does not want to spend the money. The measly 8 grand or so that it would cost to try it twice. This also makes me angry, but I cant discuss it calmly right now. Im angry with him for being wishy washy and leaving everything up to me. He never asks what the next step is, and never inniates conversation. The anger makes me feel like everything is a farce, everything is impossible and Im a fool to keep trying. I feel boxed in and beaten down. Im still mad at the medical community, for not caring. So mad that Im not even sure I can do the embryo donation thing without blowing a fuse. I wonder how long I have to stay angry (and the anger is always followed by sadness) before I finally just dont care anymore. Do you allot yourself an amount of time before you give up, or a number of foiled plans or procedures? I suppose its time to haul myself back to the therapist. Since Im not trying to get pregnant I can have my zoloft, and my ativan. I had a panic attack before going to Costco the other day, a full blown crying meltdown. So I guess my anxiety is back in full force. I really just want to feel like a normal person and not a walking time bomb, at some point. No matter what happens.

In foster care news, there is none. The social workers didnt get it together to start the transition last week. They still havnt even told the current foster family, which of course also makes me mad! The sooner this transition happens, the better for the girls. Im angry at their caseworker for putting them in a foster home that was too full and under resourced to start with, and leaving them there for 6 months. They say they have to tell the family in person, and are waiting on the family's certifier to do the dirty work. I cant figure out why this wouldnt be the caseworker's job as shes the one actually moving them. Ive been assured it will all take place this next week. My sister is getting married on the 4th, and I have booked us a hotel room at the Eugene Hilton. With an extra queen bed for the girls. Im a little worried that an overnight trip right after placement is going to be confusing for them, but I suppose it could also serve as a good distraction. A wedding has to be interesting for little girls. Flowers, cake, big frilly dresses. Their room is all ready and I am slogging through the long holiday weekend, waiting.

a little added interest

Yesterday I finally had my first long conversation with the girl's caseworker. Lots of interesting information, and Im even more sure I want to do this. Most interesting of all is the fact that their mom is pregnant. The baby will most likely be taken into care. In Oregon, placement with siblings trumps everything else, so its not totally out of the question that Brian and I will have that infant here after its born in early feb, as the girls will almost certainly still be here by then. Unless of course some random relative who is willing and able to take 4 kids shows up out of nowhere. They have been looking for family for 6 months with no luck. Bio dad just failed a homestudy with flying colors in another state.

I got a packet from the clinic in Reno today, but there really wasnt much in it. It says in bold letters on the first page that people with "significant" medical problems such as diabetes or recurrent pregnancy loss will be excluded from the program. Thanks for nothing, I phoned them and bitched about the wording, told them it was too vauge. Last time I checked, recurrent miscarriage wasnt a significant medical problem, otherwise somebody would give a shit. And nobody does, at least Ive never met the medical professional who even claims to. Of course the coordiantor knows NOT THING ONE about recurrent pregnancy loss and has no idea why it would preclude somebody from trying donated embryos.. UGH. I told her that my problem is most likely egg quality based, and that I have no anatomical issues or immune system problems. Dead silence on the phone, she had no clue. Im reluctant to pay for a dr. consult anywhere, just to have them say Im out on a technicality. The seattle clinnic wont feed me that horse hockey, but the Nevada clinic has better stats.. I just dont know.

be very very quiet

shhh, I dont want to jinx myself but it looks like soon there will be three (count them) little girls residing in my house. A sibling group 2, 3, and 5 years of age. I am waiting for their social worker to phone and iron out the details. The placement workers say its a go. Last Friday our certifier sent an email explaining that Brian and I had 3 choices.

1. The three girls
2. sibling group of 2, boy and girl
3. wait for an infant (which is what she really wanted for us)

I felt compelled to take the three, dont ask me why. Call it a gut feeling. Im pretty certain there will be infants in our future, from social services or otherwise. I am now almost sure that I will do an embryo donation cycle at the Nevada Center for Reproductive medicine in Reno, this coming late spring/early summer. This gives me time to lose some weight, get the records transfered, do my initial consults and counseling, and save some $$$. Im waiting for paperwork from them, including a list of the embryos they have on ice. Rumor has it that they have quite a few made with donor eggs... mmm nice fresh young eggs so much less likely to go wonky in my uterus of doom.

I will post as soon as I know when the girls will arrive. We are hoping for at least a week to get to know them first. They are currently in shelter care foster home. Their mom is homeless and has other "issues".

Gone

The boys are gone, they found an uncle who made it through a lot of hoops. A paternal uncle, with young children and a wife. I drove them there last Friday evening, it was sad to leave them screaming and clinging to our legs. We didnt know they were leaving until Thursday night, and it came as a bit of a surprise as we were told they would be in our care for a "long time" which in DHS speak tends to mean a year or more.

We are now getting the house in together for the next placement. Not much else to say, Im feeling a little drained, excited for whats next but cautious. The next placement could take a few weeks, as our certifier is being selective and I think she took us off the emergency care hotline. She wants us to have a fighting chance to adopt.

I bought a car last week, I had been walking and taking public transport for about 2 years. Nice to have the freedom to move about, car seats purchsed ones that go from 5 to 100 lbs if need be. My husband has been delightful about the entire foster parenting process and is very much in his element.

I took some of the mexican clomid this cycle, even though I said I wouldnt. Ha. Im 9 dpo and feeling my period coming, at least Im pretty sure, average lp these days is 9 or 10 days.

Brian has prepared for me an eggnog latte. Im of to enjoy it and see about dinner. Oh, my youngest sister is marrying the only boy she has ever dated in early December(they are both 21) Its going to be a small wedding at my parent's house. I have to figure out what to wear, and what to get them for a gift. Any suggestions for casual, winter, afternoon, wedding attire?