Saturday, November 27, 2010

A change of heart

I decided to have a nice long think and try to get to the bottom of why I have been so angry and anxious lately. Im angry because I am anxious. I am anxious because I have no control over whats happening right now. No control over Brian being wishy washy about embryo donation. No control over when they place kids in my house. I have given up my job to be a foster mother, but most of my time has been spent waiting. I think its reasonable that I am a little on edge about this. My next thought was, what can I do? I can run everything past Brian. And I did. He is a bit anxious and uncertain himself. He confirmed that he is just not feeling an embryo donation attempt. He wants another shot at a bio child.

Im going to speak to Dr. B (RE) about an IUI with inject cycle or two for this spring. I know we havnt had much luck with our own genetic material. I know that its a long shot, even getting pregnant this way. So far they havnt been keen on my doing IUI with injects, because of the cost, and because its not any sort of treatment for RPL, not to mention that I was responding fairly well to oral meds. It seems that at this late date, after years of trying and so many failed medicated cycles that its reasonable to ask for gonadotropins. I still feel that if pregnant, I stand a decent chance of carrying to term. I know adopting a few little embryos is a much safter way to hedge our bets, but Brian just isnt there quite yet. Embryo donation is something that can be done in a year, or in 5 years. Im still only 34. I have to keep telling myself that lots of women have babies in their late 30's and early 40's. My Grandmother's each had a baby in their 40's. In fact my paternal grandma got married at 28. Her first child (Henry) was born still. A year later, she gave birth to boy girl twins, then proceded to have 5 more children.

I think part of my anger has been coming from having to except that this is still a process. That my chances of a quick fix faded a long time ago. I just have to do what I can, and that is all I can do. I gotta except that I could still be childless, and trying for years to come. If I didnt want this so bad, I would have already given up.

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