Friday, November 26, 2010


I cant remember all the stages of grief. I seem to get stuck in the anger stage. I thought it was nearly over, but the past week or so, I have been waking up with panic attacks, in a blind, red, rage. I dream of having to exlain to random people, the reason that I have no children. How do you let go of the anger? To think of everything that still needs to be done in order for me to have a child to call my own pisses me off. For most people, its easier than ordering takeout. An afternoon quicky produces a live child. I hate that it all has to be tied up with time and money and negotation. My options have narrowed down to three. Adopt through foster care (long shot) give birth via embryo donation (long shot) Be content without children (Im not sure this is possible). Brian is tepid about embryo donation. I think in the end, he does not want to spend the money. The measly 8 grand or so that it would cost to try it twice. This also makes me angry, but I cant discuss it calmly right now. Im angry with him for being wishy washy and leaving everything up to me. He never asks what the next step is, and never inniates conversation. The anger makes me feel like everything is a farce, everything is impossible and Im a fool to keep trying. I feel boxed in and beaten down. Im still mad at the medical community, for not caring. So mad that Im not even sure I can do the embryo donation thing without blowing a fuse. I wonder how long I have to stay angry (and the anger is always followed by sadness) before I finally just dont care anymore. Do you allot yourself an amount of time before you give up, or a number of foiled plans or procedures? I suppose its time to haul myself back to the therapist. Since Im not trying to get pregnant I can have my zoloft, and my ativan. I had a panic attack before going to Costco the other day, a full blown crying meltdown. So I guess my anxiety is back in full force. I really just want to feel like a normal person and not a walking time bomb, at some point. No matter what happens.

In foster care news, there is none. The social workers didnt get it together to start the transition last week. They still havnt even told the current foster family, which of course also makes me mad! The sooner this transition happens, the better for the girls. Im angry at their caseworker for putting them in a foster home that was too full and under resourced to start with, and leaving them there for 6 months. They say they have to tell the family in person, and are waiting on the family's certifier to do the dirty work. I cant figure out why this wouldnt be the caseworker's job as shes the one actually moving them. Ive been assured it will all take place this next week. My sister is getting married on the 4th, and I have booked us a hotel room at the Eugene Hilton. With an extra queen bed for the girls. Im a little worried that an overnight trip right after placement is going to be confusing for them, but I suppose it could also serve as a good distraction. A wedding has to be interesting for little girls. Flowers, cake, big frilly dresses. Their room is all ready and I am slogging through the long holiday weekend, waiting.


  1. I wish I could wave a wand and make the future clear for you. It makes it difficult when there is only one of you trying to take decisions - M was like that for a long time... but he did eventually make up his mind.

    As to the girls - although I understand your concern about taking them to the wedding, I am sure that all little girls like dressing up.

    Good luck

  2. I'm so sorry. I know this place well. And my husband also struggled to commit to anything or help me make decisions, until our second miscarriage. It was so angering to me!! How we will find happiness is never clear until it arrives. I guess it takes faith, believing it will come if we keep pushing on. I always struggled with that, so I'm no good at those pep talks...sorry! What I say is do what you need to do to survive and the path to your children will become more clear as you walk it. It's all we can do. Again, I'm so sorry this is such a bad time for you right now. You are in my thoughts.