Wednesday, October 19, 2011

There are baby showers coming up. One this Saturday and the other on the 30th. I have to drive 2 hours to my Dad's place for that one, I suppose 100 miles isn't too far to travel at 38 weeks but I hate driving even when I'm not huge and breathless. I didn't start driving on a regular basis until I was nearly 30. The freeway still freaks me out. Oddly, I'm totally fine driving in heavy city traffic. Its just what you're used to. Brian does not drive at all, which is OK most of the time but will make the whole getting to the hospital and back a little awkward. I wont be able to drive for a while C section. I suppose my mom can take a taxi to the hospital and drive us home when we are discharged. They are very particular about car seats in this country.

Oh yes, baby showers. I feel like I don't deserve this. I'm not saying that to be dramatic. I have never had anything to mark a big milestone in life. No senior prom or pictures. No formal high school graduation. I got married on a Tuesday morning at 8 am at the courthouse. I had no bridal shower. So not only am I not used to these sorts of things, but I STILL feel like a big imposter. Like its not real or that everyone is going to be terribly disappointed when things suddenly take a turn for the awful and there is no baby to use these things. This is what recurrent loss does to your brain.

Jeffery is coming home! This weekend my dad is flying to Maryland to get him from the hospital. He still has a very long road to recovery. He will need to spend a lot of time here in Portland where we have the larger hospitals for additional skin grafts and monitoring. I presume he will stay here when he needs to, Brian willing. My step mom is dropping off my 8 year old niece friday morning and she will spend the night. The house feels empty without the girls so it will be good to have a child for company.

I slept for 4 hours today. Now its getting dark and I feel weird. I never even got dressed. Its not that Im feeling unwell, just not sleeping much at night. Maybe a shower then a short walk around the neighborhood will help.

Im very anxious for my OB appointment / non stress test on Friday. This is when I will likely get my C section date. Brian can start his leave whenever he needs to. Its getting so close.. Im afraid of major surgery but I want what is best for the baby.


  1. I know what you mean about feeling like an imposter...I honestly STILL can't believe I carried Addison and gave birth to her. It is just unreal. I'm sure you are very afraid, but that is normal. It's ok to be scared! You will be ok and when he is placed in your arms, it will all fade away:).

  2. Faith, I want you to know that Ive been reading your blog but for some reason I just cant comment. Blogger throws me for this sign in loop and I get a message saying I cant view the content. I love the recent pictures of your children with their grandmothers.

    I am afraid. Very afraid that something will be super wrong. This is made worse by the fact that he does have a heart defect and potentially some other issues. But I made it this far, and thats something.

  3. I am right there with you with the fear and anxiety. I have to believe it's going to be ok. That we have been through too much already to have it end badly. We deserve happy endings too.

  4. You deserve good things, many, many good things. I know hope is such a difficult thing, but try to believe it will be okay. I hate that there are people in this world who know what a miracle it is to be pg and to be left with this doubt. Treat yourself well - and I will continue to hope that you get your happy ending.