Tuesday, July 24, 2012


I tried mama blogging. It's not for me. I don't have an awful lot to say about being Titus' mother. It is what I expected it to be minus something that I am having a really hard time putting to words. I feel a lost sense of entitlement to it. Biological motherhood has become surreal to me. A fluke. A bit like a potentially ground breaking laboratory accident that could never be reproduced.

I want another child.

I have another child, a foster son who is 5 years old. I had yet another child, a foster daughter that I picked up at the hospital on May 1st and who left just 5 days ago. For a couple of weeks I thought she might have been the solution to the how will we complete our family question.

I want another child and believe it or not, the old fashioned way might be the easiest way to accomplish it.  Brian and I do not have the luxury of waiting the customary 2 or 3 years to try again. My OB says now is best. Brian is disinclined to explore any advanced fertility treatments. Our donor embryos have been given back to the clinic in Nevada. Private adoption is not on the menu. Adoption through foster care remains a possibility but that route is so difficult. The state of Oregon has made it nearly impossible.  So short of a few more rounds of clomid or femara and traditional Chinese medicine, we are on our own. ART is still out of the question due to expense and my propensity to miscarry most any embryo.

We know that I can do it. We also know that my body is not that keen on being pregnant. Knowing that it was possible bolsters my confidence. A miscarriage at this point would be sad, but not unbearably so.

Here we go again! I have to lose some weight before we start trying. At least 15lbs. I can start my chinese herbs and accupuncture now. I wanted to use this space to journal this new venture. I will still post the occasional kid update on the other blog but will do my best to reserve this space for TTC topics.

I also wanted to try to stir up some more dialog for my friend Panama Hat who is busy writing a book about infertility. You should pay her a visit and leave a comment.

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