Rage

I cant remember all the stages of grief. I seem to get stuck in the anger stage. I thought it was nearly over, but the past week or so, I have been waking up with panic attacks, in a blind, red, rage. I dream of having to exlain to random people, the reason that I have no children. How do you let go of the anger? To think of everything that still needs to be done in order for me to have a child to call my own pisses me off. For most people, its easier than ordering takeout. An afternoon quicky produces a live child. I hate that it all has to be tied up with time and money and negotation. My options have narrowed down to three. Adopt through foster care (long shot) give birth via embryo donation (long shot) Be content without children (Im not sure this is possible). Brian is tepid about embryo donation. I think in the end, he does not want to spend the money. The measly 8 grand or so that it would cost to try it twice. This also makes me angry, but I cant discuss it calmly right now. Im angry with him for being wishy washy and leaving everything up to me. He never asks what the next step is, and never inniates conversation. The anger makes me feel like everything is a farce, everything is impossible and Im a fool to keep trying. I feel boxed in and beaten down. Im still mad at the medical community, for not caring. So mad that Im not even sure I can do the embryo donation thing without blowing a fuse. I wonder how long I have to stay angry (and the anger is always followed by sadness) before I finally just dont care anymore. Do you allot yourself an amount of time before you give up, or a number of foiled plans or procedures? I suppose its time to haul myself back to the therapist. Since Im not trying to get pregnant I can have my zoloft, and my ativan. I had a panic attack before going to Costco the other day, a full blown crying meltdown. So I guess my anxiety is back in full force. I really just want to feel like a normal person and not a walking time bomb, at some point. No matter what happens.

In foster care news, there is none. The social workers didnt get it together to start the transition last week. They still havnt even told the current foster family, which of course also makes me mad! The sooner this transition happens, the better for the girls. Im angry at their caseworker for putting them in a foster home that was too full and under resourced to start with, and leaving them there for 6 months. They say they have to tell the family in person, and are waiting on the family's certifier to do the dirty work. I cant figure out why this wouldnt be the caseworker's job as shes the one actually moving them. Ive been assured it will all take place this next week. My sister is getting married on the 4th, and I have booked us a hotel room at the Eugene Hilton. With an extra queen bed for the girls. Im a little worried that an overnight trip right after placement is going to be confusing for them, but I suppose it could also serve as a good distraction. A wedding has to be interesting for little girls. Flowers, cake, big frilly dresses. Their room is all ready and I am slogging through the long holiday weekend, waiting.

a little added interest

Yesterday I finally had my first long conversation with the girl's caseworker. Lots of interesting information, and Im even more sure I want to do this. Most interesting of all is the fact that their mom is pregnant. The baby will most likely be taken into care. In Oregon, placement with siblings trumps everything else, so its not totally out of the question that Brian and I will have that infant here after its born in early feb, as the girls will almost certainly still be here by then. Unless of course some random relative who is willing and able to take 4 kids shows up out of nowhere. They have been looking for family for 6 months with no luck. Bio dad just failed a homestudy with flying colors in another state.

I got a packet from the clinic in Reno today, but there really wasnt much in it. It says in bold letters on the first page that people with "significant" medical problems such as diabetes or recurrent pregnancy loss will be excluded from the program. Thanks for nothing, I phoned them and bitched about the wording, told them it was too vauge. Last time I checked, recurrent miscarriage wasnt a significant medical problem, otherwise somebody would give a shit. And nobody does, at least Ive never met the medical professional who even claims to. Of course the coordiantor knows NOT THING ONE about recurrent pregnancy loss and has no idea why it would preclude somebody from trying donated embryos.. UGH. I told her that my problem is most likely egg quality based, and that I have no anatomical issues or immune system problems. Dead silence on the phone, she had no clue. Im reluctant to pay for a dr. consult anywhere, just to have them say Im out on a technicality. The seattle clinnic wont feed me that horse hockey, but the Nevada clinic has better stats.. I just dont know.

be very very quiet

shhh, I dont want to jinx myself but it looks like soon there will be three (count them) little girls residing in my house. A sibling group 2, 3, and 5 years of age. I am waiting for their social worker to phone and iron out the details. The placement workers say its a go. Last Friday our certifier sent an email explaining that Brian and I had 3 choices.

1. The three girls
2. sibling group of 2, boy and girl
3. wait for an infant (which is what she really wanted for us)

I felt compelled to take the three, dont ask me why. Call it a gut feeling. Im pretty certain there will be infants in our future, from social services or otherwise. I am now almost sure that I will do an embryo donation cycle at the Nevada Center for Reproductive medicine in Reno, this coming late spring/early summer. This gives me time to lose some weight, get the records transfered, do my initial consults and counseling, and save some $$$. Im waiting for paperwork from them, including a list of the embryos they have on ice. Rumor has it that they have quite a few made with donor eggs... mmm nice fresh young eggs so much less likely to go wonky in my uterus of doom.

I will post as soon as I know when the girls will arrive. We are hoping for at least a week to get to know them first. They are currently in shelter care foster home. Their mom is homeless and has other "issues".

Gone

The boys are gone, they found an uncle who made it through a lot of hoops. A paternal uncle, with young children and a wife. I drove them there last Friday evening, it was sad to leave them screaming and clinging to our legs. We didnt know they were leaving until Thursday night, and it came as a bit of a surprise as we were told they would be in our care for a "long time" which in DHS speak tends to mean a year or more.

We are now getting the house in together for the next placement. Not much else to say, Im feeling a little drained, excited for whats next but cautious. The next placement could take a few weeks, as our certifier is being selective and I think she took us off the emergency care hotline. She wants us to have a fighting chance to adopt.

I bought a car last week, I had been walking and taking public transport for about 2 years. Nice to have the freedom to move about, car seats purchsed ones that go from 5 to 100 lbs if need be. My husband has been delightful about the entire foster parenting process and is very much in his element.

I took some of the mexican clomid this cycle, even though I said I wouldnt. Ha. Im 9 dpo and feeling my period coming, at least Im pretty sure, average lp these days is 9 or 10 days.

Brian has prepared for me an eggnog latte. Im of to enjoy it and see about dinner. Oh, my youngest sister is marrying the only boy she has ever dated in early December(they are both 21) Its going to be a small wedding at my parent's house. I have to figure out what to wear, and what to get them for a gift. Any suggestions for casual, winter, afternoon, wedding attire?

chaos

I meant to update a bit sooner, but its been a circus around here. Social workers, lawyers, boys, activities, car shopping, boys, toys, shopping, eating, eating , eating. The boys went from eating nearly nothing to consuming massive portions and wanting to eat all the time. Knowing what we do now about their legal situation, we are assuming they will be here at least 6 months, if not a year. It started as an emergency weekend placement. The social worker and court appointed lawyer are busy trying to find suitable family for long term placement or adoption. So far it's not looking so great this side of the border. If they find family in Mexico, then they will have to deal with the mexican consulate and that can be a long, tedious process. I really wish I could post pictures so you could all see the cuteness. I can easily tell them apart these days, and wonder why I couldnt at first. D has a rounder face and weighs more. B is more verbal and makes a lot of silly faces. Their grandmother wanted me to know that they speak almost no spanish. They also dont speak English. B has about 10 words, D only 4 or 5. Average for two is something like 50. They see a doctor next week and it will be interesting to know how much they weigh, how tall etc.

My life is 100% wrapped up in these boys. Everything else seems a bit trivial. I still want to attempt a donor embryo pregnancy, but It will probably wait until they are either with family or available for adoption. I have gone from being my husband's sun moon and stars, to playing second (third) fiddle to the twins. Its amazing to see him with them and gives me all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings. It feels like a family, even if its not forever.

boys

Im not sure how much I can share on this blog. I guess I can say that the boys were taken from a big drug bust. Their caseworker goes to court on Monday, then we will know more. Its hard not to hope that they will stay at least for a few months. They are clean and well cared for, but not bilingual as they told me on the phone yesterday. They only speak Spanish, and some twin gibberish, and not much at all. They do say mama? (looking for her everywhere) mine! and no! They cried and cried and screamed for the better part of yesterday evening. Bloody murder. Today they awoke crying, then just the occasional sniffle and huge tear. Asking for mama and grandma.At the risk of sounding cliche, I will say that I am bone tired already. My mother was here today to help. Its very emotional having them here because they are so sad. They have a new stroller, and are very very fond of it. Relaxed enough this afternoon to play a bit. Not eating much of anything. between the two of them today they consumed 4 small packets of animal crackers, two fish fingers, 2.5 bananas, 16 oz milk and 24 oz watered down juice. And all of my glass of icewater when I wasnt looking. So far I say ist been worth the classes and the invasive homestudy. Just to be able to give these frightened little boys some of what they need.

arrived

I have twin two year olds sleeping in my nursery. They are 26 months,identical boys, big for their age, hispanic, beautiful, and very upset. more tomorrow.