I could use a live baby check right about now. The midwife has told me that I may go in any Thursday and she can give me a quick scan but I was busy yesterday. I feel such a disconnect from this pregnancy. Not nearly as emotionally attached to it as others. Like I don't really believe that there is a little life in there. It's funny because I thought I would be more attached to a pregnancy after having Titus. Because I know that I can grow a fetus in there that lives and turns into a person. I saw him just about every week between 7 and 15 weeks.  This one I have only seen once. Even though all the bleeding with T was scary, it somehow made it all seem more real.  This is as normal as it has ever been for me and it feels abnormal!

9.5 weeks and I THINK all is well. My breasts have ballooned to pornographic proportions. Well, with the 36 year old sag its more like national geographic. I barfed x 3 on Wednesday. All the usual first trimester complaints, which I am thankful for. I know the nausea will get worse before it gets better and that can be frightening. Constant nausea can send you into a pretty dark head space. Luckily the sun is shining and that is very helpful to me. It's cold but I know that spring is around the corner and so is a return of regular energy levels and wellness.

NH asked about our Christmas. It was a lovely one. A normal, regular, dreams come true sort of Christmas. There was the awkwardness of dealing with our foster Son's birth family and his emotions around the holiday, but it was manageable.  And there were mounds of gifts and a sweet smelling douglas fir tree. Family came 'round. Brian made a boozy figgy pudding and I was still well enough to eat it.  My youngest brother, the one that nearly tore his arm off falling out of a freight train in the fall of 2011, has had a strange and sort of wonderful change of circumstances. He met a girl. They got married in a hobo wedding under the Broadway bridge here in Portland. She got a job and he got financial aid and started school. His wife is only 22 and has a 6 year old son. Her parents had been raising him from the start but her father fell off a cliff while hiking last summer. He died. Her Mother is now a widow at age 46.  My brother and his wife are now taking part in raising that child. They are all sharing a house and making it work. All that to say, that part of my Christmas involved getting new family members. My new SIL , her son who calls me Auntie Emily, and my brother's MIL who is closer to my age and a lot of fun.

Titus has just started walking. He is 14 months old. Did I mention that I am taking him to see the pediatric endocrinologist next month? He is still so small and they just want to be sure that he is doing OK. He is currently 28 inches and 18 lbs. That visit happens just 2 days before his surgery to re repair his penis. Other than all of that he is a healthy guy. He likes to climb and push things around the room.  He likes to ride a knee horsey. Still adding words. 

Sick & Ill

I have come  down with a dreadful cold virus. I ache all over, sore throat, sneezing. I can barely function. The cold seems to have triggered my nausea. I have taken the baby sitting job (due to end in July) my friend is really counting on me and I feel totally incapable of even taking care my own children. Brian stayed home today but can't again. My friend looking into getting an alternate sitter for tomorrow but no promise. I feel as though if I am unable to rest, something bad might happen to the pregnancy. And all the usual upsetting thoughts about something going wrong with the pregnancy. I know this will pass but being ill and pregnant and paranoid and inept has to be one of the worst feelings.

fighting chance

I went in for a "real" ultrasound done by a tech in the radiology department at Kaiser today. It was short and sweet. Except for the unforgiving ultrasound wand. Baby measured right on target and we had a heart beat of 150. I do not feel like we are clear for take off as I have lost them later than this, but I do feel like this gestation #7 has a fighting chance.

The midwife put me on a diet. Fair enough. She wants me to watch my carbs & weight because of my high risk for gestational diabetes. She also wants me to exercise to be as fit as possible for a possible vbac. I must admit the thought of giving birth the natural way at the hospital with a midwife and little medical intervention would be a dream come true. But that is getting ahead of myself. One baby step at a time.

If I make it as far as the anatomy scan I will be seen by the perinatologist. Looking into the new maternal blood draws that test fetal dna. My hospital is behind, the midwife is looking into it for me.

Pregnancy again feels like swimming against the current. Having to go over my complicated history and even the details of my pregnancy with Titus was tiring. Sad.  I like and trust my midwife and I think that means a lot. 

My beta on Sunday was 705. Doubling time 43 hours. The OB says this is fine but to go in for more betas if I have more spotting or any pain. I had no spotting yesterday and just light staining on Sunday and Monday. Never enough to make it to my underwear.

They are treating this pregnancy like any other. That means I am not being offered any extra scans. They will probably consent to a few extra fetal heart tones checks in the first trimester if I want. These are done on their crappy portable machine in their office, rather than the fancy one in the radiology department.

I am supposed to start full time daycare for my friend's baby after the new year. The infant bio sibling of the 3 girls that we fostered for almost a year.  I had really been looking forward to it. I still feel up to it but I am afraid she will make other arrangements for the sake of continuity of care. I certainly would if I was in her shoes. I told the family about my pregnancy via email last night so they could carefully weigh their options. I am afraid to check her reply. She knows my risk of miscarriage is fairly high so that has to factor into the decision.

I have been running non stop since Friday night. The holiday parties and errands for our foster son. I was bone tired last night and looking forward to some rest but Titus decided to have a fussy night. I slept in 40 minute intervals and was awoken for good at 4:45. I know, it's a high class problem to have. I grumbled but treasured the hour of snuggle time he allowed me before he decided to play. Titus saw the pediatric urologist for his final post op checkup. He did spring a leak mid shaft. This is called a fistula and there was a 20% chance of it occurring. He will have a second surgery in February. He also has an undescended testicle. I suppose they will correct that within a couple of months of the fistula repair. Hypospadias and undescended testicles are on the same gene and often go together. If we get everything corrected Titus should have normal sexual function as an adult. The urologist really wants him to see the pediatric endocrinologist. Titus is still so very small. He is 13 months old and wears size 6 month trousers. 9 month if they are rolled up at the top. At last check he was 28 inches and just under 17 lbs. 2nd percentile for height but way off the chart  for weight. We will see his pediatrician on the 7th of January and speak about a referral.  Developmentally he is right on target. Not walking yet but has taken some unassisted steps. He talks! He says hello, don't, wha dat? truck, dadda, and do again. He self feeds and will eat just about anything. Cheese is his favorite food. He is also rather fond of pasta.

The plan is to take it easy the next few days. I can't really compare pregnancy symptoms this time to my pregnancy with Titus, because I did not find out last time until 6.5 weeks. I seem to remember just feeling tired up to that point. I did not start getting sick until 8 weeks. I will be relieved if and when nausea sets in. It kept me sane through the bleeding last time because I just knew I couldn't be that sick and have miscarried. I lost all symptoms 2 weeks before they discovered my missed miscarriage in 2008. 

Beta was 300. Doubling time about 48 hours.  I will have another one tomorrow which should be more telling. I got the blood draw and then went and ate lunch at the cafeteria where their wifi connection enabled me to get my own result online about a half hour later. Beats the hell out of waiting in a stuffy, windowless room for a clumsy advice nurse to come in and break the news to me. Which I did several times before. The hospital cafeteria actually has a very good salad bar and if you sit by the window you can look at their garden which has a large fountain.

I have family coming today for a Christmas thing then am giving a baby shower for my bff tomorrow. I am tired though and feeling emotionally vulnerable and wimpy. I would much prefer to cancel everything and crawl into bed for a couple of days.

spotting of course

What a fool I was to think I might be able to have a normal pregnancy with no early bleeding. 5 times bleeding has been bad news. 1 time it was just scary as hell for 15 weeks.

I suppose I have to call the nurse advice line and wait on the phone for an hour to see if I can get a second beta today.

hcg

My HCG beta blood draw results are in. 81 at aprox 12 - 13 days past ovulation.  I took a final home pregnancy test today and the line was much darker than yesterday when I had the blood work done. Leading me to believe that the hormone level is doubling up as it should. This is the first time that I have had normal betas at this point in a pregnancy.

I see the midwife the first week of January. Looks like they will alternate visits between the midwife and OB. Lets see if I can wait that long for a live baby check. I might freak out and need an ultrasound between 6 & 7 weeks. I do not wish to waste medical resources but on the other hand, with my history, I doubt they would deny me a quick peek.