worst fear realized

Regaurding the RE. He said exactly what I was afraid he would say. There will be no more testing, no treatment short of IVF with PGD, or IVF with donor eggs, at a cost of about 20 grand. Again, I cant afford to miscarry such an expensive baby.

He says my chance for carrying the next pregnancy to term is about 50% . Ive lost babies when I have been told my chance had decreased to 2%. 50% seems pretty bleak. He also told me that if I lose one more, my chances for a sucessful future pregnancy plummet. Anvil and I have decided on attempting one more pregnancy, but will probably hold off for a few months. I have a new job starting soon. Not that its the sort of job that would keep me from wanting to ttc, or that I would feel super bad about quitting if the going got tough, pregnancy wise. We could really use the extra income though. I want to start saving money for an adoption.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.

I had a 12 week prenatal visit last fall. The OB that was filling in for my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat on his Doppler, or his wimpy office ultrasound, I was sent over to the radiology dept. for a proper look on a high powered machine. I saw the funniest looking little gummy bear, on its back, arms and legs up. He/she was a 9 week fetus. lying there dead. Ive been haunted by this lately and I'm not sure why. I didn't think about it for the longest time. I suppose it could have started with the panic attack I had while passing the radiology dept. on my way to see my OB the other day. I have a new shrink, and I think we are making some progress. First session she played good cop. She flattered and indulged me. Second session she told me that I'm probably clinically depressed/ anxious. She wants me on medication, and as shes probably the 4th medical professional to suggest this in the past 6 months, I suppose I will have to look into it. The OB has wanted to defer to a prescribing psychiatrist , and the psychiatrist wants to defer to the OB. The new shrink thinks I'm in no emotional condition to try for another baby. She has suggested a six month break to let the meds start working. She feels that my general negative outlook is more due to depression than anything else. I really don't know. I'm not sure I believe that the meds will magically make things better. I will still have lost three pregnancies in the past 9 months. I will still be infertile. My position is that a full term pregnancy with a live birth at the end would go a long way towards a more robust state of mental health.

Tomorrow is the big day. Brian and I are going in at 2 pm to see what the specialist has to say about all this. This guy is really supposed to be top notch. The best of the best. My worst fear is that he will have a look at my chart, ask a few questions, and tell me that we could do some expensive tests , or an IVF with PGD, but that it probably wont make a difference and we will only risk miscarrying a 20 thousand dollar fetus in the future.

I will update after the appointment.

Im not taking this lying down

During the past 10 months dealing with recurrent pregnancy loss one thought keeps crossing my mind. The medical community does not care. They just dont give a flying fuck. Many doctors seem to not really even consider a person pregnant, until they are safely tucked into their second trimester. I know in my mother's day that she never saw a doctor until she had missed at least two periods. Most people that miscarry, do so only once or twice. Its never investigated because it never needs to be. They become pregnant again and have a healthy baby. But I have found that the same attitude of "wait and see what happens next time" still applies to those of us who keep going through it. They might do a recurrent miscarriage workup, but they tell you that 50% of the time, there are no answers. This seems OK to the medical community at large. I wonder where the sense of urgency is surrounding all of this ?This is death we are talking about. This is the loss of pined after and longed for new life. This has been my experience with my hospital, my HMO, my OB, and her co workers. Im wondering now, if there isnt something better out there for me. If a reproductive endocrinologist or a fetal medicine specialist might take my hand and tell me that the DO care. That this is not ok, and that something must be done.

I have written a rather impassioned letter (email) to my OB. Basically, Im saying its time for her to shit or get off the pot. I want these final tests done, including a lap & or a hysterosonogram. I want my NK cells looked at, and whatever else they can pull out of their medical bag of tricks. I want empiric treatment for my next pregnancy possibly including heparin shots, broad spectrum antibiotics, steriods, prescription folate, progesterone in the luteal phase, and that tender loving care that so many people say increases the chances of a sucessful pregnancy, for somebody like me with Idiopathic RPL.

I could have created some compelling blog drama

This past month could have produced a tension filled, emotionally charged blog to follow. I didn't have the heart to do it. At 5 weeks 3 days I started bleeding. A gush of blood in the toilet. My OB had me go in to her office for a urine test, and a beta hcg draw. My HCG number was fine. It had doubled up as expected from the previous draw at 15 days past ovulation. My urine tested clear for infection. I was sent home. Another small gush of blood as I was preparing steaks for the oven that evening. My husband came home and we took a taxi to the hospital. My HMO has recently consolidated its former 2 emergency rooms to one. The waiting room was packed with about 50 people. I was triage after about an hour and a half. Nobody was being called back. More people kept checking in. I was seen by a doctor nearly 7 hours after I arrived. By that time I was hungry and terrified that I was losing my pregnancy. An ultrasound showed nothing visible in my uterus. There should have been a measurable sac. The ER doc assured me it was still early, to give it a few days. The bleeding was light but consistent, sometimes pink, mostly brown and gunky. Two days later my OB's office called me in to have yet another hcg draw. They put me in a stuffy waiting room for almost two hours while I waited for the result. An advice nurse informed me that my hcg had only gone up slightly, which suggested an ectopic pregnancy at worst, a garden variety miscarriage at best. I lost my shit. I stood up and shouted at the nurse. I was angry for having to wait in that stuffy room. I was angry at the doctors for not doing a recurrent miscarriage workup on me the last time. I was angry about having waited in the ER for so long , and I was just so sad and angry that this was happening again. The nurse told me to go home and return in 48 hours for an hcg draw, so they could get a better idea of what was going on.Less than pleased about the prospect of going home to wait for the terrible pain and possible tube bursting that can happen with an ectopic pregnancy, I swore and insisted on seeing a doctor. My OB wasn't in the office so they had the lady that had performed my last d&c come in. In the end I had to agree to keep having my hcg monitored until they could be reasonably sure to see something on an ultrasound. My final hcg draw = a number that was still going steadily up, but not nearly how it ought to have been. At 6 weeks 3 days I finally had that ultrasound. The tech was tight lipped the entire exam. I knew I was looking at a pregnancy sac with a heartbeat, but had no idea where it was. Could have been my uterus, could have been a tube or an ovary. I was put in that same stuffy waiting room after the exam, an hour and a half later the nurse came in with a few jotted down notes. "Congratulations, there is a baby with a heartbeat in there" my response "whatever, I want to speak to the doctor". The doctor on staff told me that the test was inconclusive. Sure I had a live pregnancy in my uterus of the appropriate size for my conception date. but it was surrounded by a pool of blood in my uterus, and was situated fairly low in there. They said it was most likely that I would miscarry, but that there was a slight chance that it might be a totally normal pregnancy. I knew it was all bad news. I asked my doctor for a d&c that week, and she told me to hang in there on the chance that the embryo was just trying to form a better attachment. ten days later I had a routine prenatal appointment. What should have been my first for that pregnancy. No heartbeat, dead fetus.

catching up

I started this blog feeling that I would be trying to conceive for some time. That I might be heading towards advanced reproductive procedures that would need to be fretted over, dissected, and discussed.

But now Im pregnant. 4 weeks and three days. Every day feels like a land mine, narrowly side stepped. My period should have arrived on monday, march 9th. You will remember that I have a very short luteal phase. On thursday, the 12th I took a dollar store test with a super faint line. Brian was not impressed. I convinced my stepmother to help me sneak out for a proper test. An Answer brand HPT. the result was clearly positive but ever so faint. Took a beta blood test that afternoon and got the results early on friday the 13th. It was positive but the number was low. 18 for 13 days past ovulation. Doctor requested another test to be performed 48 hours after the first one. The second number was 64. They want it to at least double in 24 hours and it did that and then some.

After two miscarriages it feels almost impossible to bring a pregnancy to term.

The waiting

Everything is set up for a good outcome this cycle. It looks like the month I got pregnant, I ovulated on the correct day. I could let myself become very excited, the problem is that I read too much. I know the stats. I find myself struggling to put a happy spin on it. I chat with all these super optimistic women. They can be 4 years into infertility treatments with 5 miscarriages and a still birth under their belts, and still just KNOW that next month is going to be THE month. I don't know if its stupidity or blind faith. I suppose they keep hoping because the have to, what do you do when you give up on something like that ? nobody wants to admit defeat when they have been putting up a brave fight.

Friday is my 33rd birthday. I also go in to get my progesterone drawn to confirm ovulation for this cycle. From what I understand, it is not at all easy to get blood out of me. In June it took three different phlebotomists no less than nine collective attempts to get two small vials of blood. I once had a lab tech call me "the turnip" because they just cant get the blood out. Anyhow, going in for that poking on my birthday is adding insult to injury. I don't mind the pain, its just the inconvenience,, I always end up telling them I'm so sorry to take up so much of their time.

I have 8 more days in the dreaded wait. If I am pregnant this cycle, my due date will be November 20th, My husband's birthday. I couldnt imagine a nicer gift.

Just in time for valentines day

My period arrived. These past few periods (post d&c) have been brutal. Heavy flow. Clots. Lots of money spent padding the pocket books of whoever takes the Always brand sanitary napkin profits at proctor and gamble.

So this is clomid cycle four. Im feeling rather frustrated, as I dont know if Im going to respond this time around. I fully expected at least a good strong ovulation last month, if no pregnancy. I dont seem to be experiencing the awful clomid side effects that many other women report. Maybe a mild hot flash here, a twinge of a headache there. I have a pretty good idea of what my chances are of becoming pregnant this time around. Between 10 and 15 % depending on who you ask. If this cycle brings no joy we are taking a break. My sister-in-law is getting married in England this coming May. Right now we intend to be there. Anvil and I will attend the wedding, have our holiday, and think about what we can do apon our return. I have one more clomid cycle with my OB. Then we get thrown to the wolves (aka consults with local RE's). None of this will be paid for by insurance and its a big step from a funding point of view. How the hell do people do it ?