Good news, the weight loss is happening. Down 4 lbs, give or take a pound in water weight.

Bad news, Ive been having a hell of a time figuring out how to get both older girls to school. The middle one has finally been excepted into Head Start. This is a big deal this time of year as they are usually full and expected that she wouldnt get in til this coming fall. I hounded them, and they happend to have a spot in an afternoon class. Her class gets out at 3.15, as does her sister's Kindergarten, which is located about 6 miles (and lots of traffic congestion away). 6 miles in the country is nothing, 6 miles in the city can be awful. The state had said apon placement, that they would transport the elder girl in the interest of keeping her in the same kindergarten that she has attended since fall. This is out of district, not just another school. DHS has not been able to set up any transport, even though they said it would just take a week or two. We are now going on 2 months with no satisfaction. I cant be two places at once.. UGH. Caseworker is bent on keeping her at her school, Im saying its just not feasable. No other foster parent is expected to transport out of district.

Anyhow, the lawyer is involved, the branch manager is involved, and I am STILL doing all the transport, which includes loading the little ones in and out of the car an extra 8 times a day. if you have ever had to get two toddlers and one 5 year old in and out of a car, in traffic parked in the street, you will know what a hassle this is. Middle girl starts preschool on the 10th, and all I can say is things better be worked out by then.




Apart from all that, things are going pretty well.

I have a phone consult with an RE in Reno, Nevda next Thursday. Im thinking May for a FET using donor embryos. GULP... but brian is on board. I feel that within our means, this has to be the best way to get a live baby. Even if we have to try it a few times. We are still grappling with the loss of the bio child dream, but I feel that being pregnant and giving birth will go a long way towards that not really being a big deal, in the long run.

EDIT to add that Mexico is still not totally out of the picture, but it will be less expensive and possibly more productive to try with donor embie first. Ive been waffling all over the place on this, but things are now falling into place.

family

My sister in law is pregnant. Again. My niece is turning two in a few days. Because she lives in England, I wont have to see her all the time getting larger, and plumper, and smugger. This is a small blessing. She already has my inlaws caring for her toddler full time while she works, so I imagine this will tie them down a bit further, this means no visits to the states. Thats a risk we took when we decided not to live in the UK, but still stinks a bit. Our foster children are a curiosity, but their grandchild is the light of their lives, and I just wish we could have produced that kind of joy for our parents. This has been one of the hardest parts of infertility for me, not being able to provide grandchildren. My parents would be just as thirlled with an adopted child, but I think that is looking less and less likely. ive been invited to attend an adoptive parent support meeting, with a special DHS guest speaker who is pretty much there to tell us how the laws have changed, and how nearly impossible it is to adopt through the state these days. Brian's parents would have a hard enough time attaching to a child they will hardly ever see, even if it was biologically connected with them. An adopted child,, well I can see them not being too excited.

The girl's brother who is due to be born at any time, has been matched with a private adoptive family. I spent an hour and a half on the phone with the social worker yesterday, a lot of interesting info but no answers as to what is going to become of these girls. Their mother's mental health eval has been completed and she is a pretty sick chicky. She thinks they will still be here this summer. I asked if we can take them out of the country. England is off the menue with that many travelers, due to the cost of tickets but Mexico.. maybe we will go to mexico again. There was a court hearing yesterday for the girls, but nobody came with enough paper work so they have sched. another one in a months time. Their bio dad actually made it all the way from Arizona to be present for that court hearing. He is talking of moving to Portland, but is on probation in AZ. the social worker suspects him of being a pedophile, and she says no way hes getting the girls. Great. There is a great grandmother on the paternal side who is the best hope right now. They try that hard to have family adopt, that they will even give the children to people who are quite elderly.

Been on the phone with my RE he is finally on board 100% for an IUI with injects, but the question is still whether or not thats the best use of our money. Brian has discussed embryo donation again, once he really grasped how much a private adoption costs. He is also still talking about Guadalajara, whatever happens, it will take place this summer. The next attempt. In the meantime, Im saying it right here.. Im going to lose some weight. I must lose some weight, Im heavier than I have ever been. I am 5'2 and weighing in at 140 lbs. i have a teeny tiny frame and I look big. my face is fat, my thighs are huge. My gut is looking 6 months pregnant and Im tired of that. I am certainly an apple shape. so the diet starts today. I would like to get down to my highschool/ early 20's weight of 100 pounds. before you tell me that is too skinny, I have to assure you that I wasnt skinny at that weight. I still had 34 D sized breasts and a little padding, Im just built small. Wish me luck and willpower.

The girls have been here for nearly a week. I have hardly had a moment to shower or use the bathroom. Im transporting the eldest to and from school, out of district and it's a PITA. I have a list of no less than 13 providers, and last Friday, my phone rang 22 times. Most calls regarding appointments or information for the girls. Things have been going well. The older one is emotional, and that is to be expected. All are well behaved, and eager to please. All are developmentally behind, we had a sort of group therapy session with their psychologist today. The eldest goes once a week, the others every other week. We had a birthday party for the little one yesterday. She is now 3. Her sister turns 4 on the 29th.

Friends, family, and perfect strangers have been amazing about helping out for Christmas. I have only had to purchase a few items, and the girls are going to have a very merry Christmas indeed. Children's services is going to throw a party for all foster children on the 22nd. Their Mother will be there, and my mom (the social worker mom) is driving all the way to Portland to go with us.Each girl has a sparkly new holiday dress for the occasion. The social worker is on vacation, and they have asked me to semi supervise the visit, my Mom thinks this is a bad idea, since I have never met the mother before, she she is tagging along to keep an eye on things. In general I am happy but anxious, exhausted and excited. There are not enough hours in the day and the mountain of laundry in the utility room grows ever more gigantic. I should probably go tend to it now, before it explodes.

More soon.

I actually managed to get a good chunk of that done yesterday. I have a parent teacher conference with the kindergarten teacher tomorrow at 1.30pm. the social worker and the speech pathologist will be there as well. I have a booster seat, but will have to get Brian to set it up. The rain is coming down in a torrent and we have no garage, so he is likely to get fairly wet doing that. Streets starting to flood a bit. I slipped in the mud last night and hurt my hand and shoulder. My one good shoulder that does not have tendinitis in it. I feel like such an old lady. I got another container to store the toys, the diapers and hair things. Did you know that a package of 56 girls pullups is 21 dollars!?! Im looking to buy some old school plastic training pants. It seems that the little one is still in regular diapers, so Im guessing shes not potty training at all. She turns 3 next week. I think that now is the time, and I have to say that Im pretty good at potty training girls. Speaking of peeing pants, Ive been so excited that I feel like I could. I can hardly imagine a nicer Christmas present for me. I know its selfish, because I know this is a dreadful time of year to move the girls. They see their Mother every Friday, and will do so tomorrow. Then they are coming here! We are to serve them dinner and drive them home. They will be here from 4:30 to 6:30.
It seems that the girl's current foster parents got their court appointed lawyer invovled yesterday (girls lawyer) and the caseworker had to spend some time convincing her that it is the right thing to do. Lawyer is on DHS's side now.

Ive been in contact with one particular clinic in Guadalajara. I sent some basic info to the doc. This could be a trip for summer of 2011. We will see how long the girl's stay. Im pretty set on an IVF at this point, but still debating a mini IVF or saving for a regular one. Even if I miscarry again, I will be able to say that I did everything in my power to give Brian a child. And hopefully have some peace, of some kind in 2012. Embryo donation is not yet totally off the menu, its just not going to happen anytime soon.

Anyone have an idea of what I should serve the girls for dinner tomorrow? Something safe like chicken nuggets and fries? Pizza? I dont want to feed them junk right away, but I want them to be able to relax and enjoy their meal without worrying if they dont like it.

The Devil is in the details

Ive started making a list of things that either need to be done in order to prepare for the arrival of the girls, and things that I must not forget to do once they get here.

1. purchase child sized bed pillows and pillow cases (dont forget plastic mattress cover for larger bed)
2. purchase and install a booster seat in the van for the eldest
3. toiletries.. shampoo, detangler, brushes and combs, ribons, bows and hair ties, teeth cleaning implements, body wash etc.
4. pull up diapers for the middle one to wear at night, and the youngest to use all the time. flushable wipes.
5. some more storge containers for toys.
6. figure out how the school bus is going to transport the eldest, from out of district. (I already bugged the social worker about this, so hopefully its being seen to)
7. make appointment to meet with the kindergarten teacher.
8. try to get their pediatrician on the phone to ask general questions about their asthma, and health.
9. see how we can get on the list for the middle girl to go to Head Start
10. figure out when all of their appointments are
12. grocery shopping for kids
13. get a general idea of what the two younger ones might like to do for their December birthdays.
14. Try not to think about their infant sibling too much.

To be continued....

a date with three girls..

Brian and I have a play date with the girls set up for next Friday. They will visit with us at our house for a few hours. Then on Saturday, we will go to their current foster home. Sunday they have a farewell party with their foster family, and Monday they come here. It seems a little truncated, the transition. But I can live with it, I just hope their little hearts dont break again. Its a damn shame that they have to be shuttled around.

The caseworker said today, that she wants to speak with me more about fostering their infant sibling after mom gives birth in late jan/ early feb. That would make for an awful full house. Of course I want the newborn here. I guess we will just let it play out. Its totally possible that mom will split the state.

Guadalajara

Considering the cost of IUI with injects here in Portland (probably around 2500 dollars per cycle) I started thinking, maybe I want to do IVF instead. Ive been looking at clinics in Guadalajara, Mexico. They have many US and UK trained RE's, who speak English. I love the state of Jalisco and have always wanted to venture inland from the coast. So my feelers are out, Im making calls. Asking around on message boards, been in contact with one couple from the UK that has done this, another from the US. A regular IVF with nothing fancy like PGD or donor eggs, would cost at least 15 thousand dollars where I live. A regular IVF in Mexico would cost anywhere from 3-6 k depending on the clinic. They are also offering a mini IVF, which has appealed to me. They mostly stimulate with clomid, and throw in a few shots. Try to get one or two goood eggs out of it, and transfer. Pregnancy rates a bit lower, but still higher than what I could expect with a donated embryo FET. To consider all of this, I have to ignore the RPL demon sitting on my right shoulder and whispering that I will just miscarry anyhow. That my eggs are all rotten. For my family, coming up with 4 thousand dollars and travel expenses, is still a LOT of money. This is a huge risk and I have to weigh it all very carefully and begin to squirrel away the cash.