http://titussebastian.blogspot.com/

I have finally up and moved. I wanted a fancier blog but just havnt had the time / energy to put one together. So this is a rough draft. I might still get Brian on board for some guest posting.

Lord, I hate the term "mommy blog" but cant think of anything better. Thats what it will most likely be. I have felt a need to end things here. I am no longer broken hearted and infertile. My days of pregnancy loss might not yet be behind me but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. No longer getting pissed on by the dark cloud of post partum depression. Things are looking up. Now I have to figure out what the hell to do with the rest of my life. Including but not limited to being the best mother possible to this little creature that I wanted so badly for so long. 

Thank you friends, for your support. It has meant so much to me the past few years.

I am still here. Not yet set up elsewhere as far as blogging goes. Today we had our 6 month safety inspection for foster care. Our certifier just did a quick walk through. She saw a book about post partum depression and seemed slightly alarmed. I had to promise her that I am really doing a lot better. I really am. Not 100% though. Im not as functional as I would like to be. I am behind in correspondence. I dont check my phone messages quite as often as I should. Or open my mail before its been sitting around for a week or two. Mail and messages make me anxious. I have been much more social lately. On Sunday I had lunch with an old friend. This was Titus' first visit outside our home or a restaurant. Today I went to see my ex boyfriend and 6 day old baby. This is the man that I lived with for quite a few years in my early 20's. The guy that I was with during my first two botched pregnancies. He knew I struggled to get Titus. He didnt tell me that his wife was pregnant until just days before I gave birth. I think he didnt want to say anything until he was pretty sure that I was going to have a baby of my own. He was very upset both times I ended up pregnant way back then, and swore that he didnt want to be a parent and never would. He was only 28 then. He is now 42 and I understand that things change. I cant really explain why, but seeing him with his wife (I hadnt met her before) and new child did something to make me feel better about those pregnancies. It was healing. His wife is just beautiful and they seem so happy. I suppose it feels like things worked out for the best for everyone concerned. I took Titus' newborn sized clothing to them and they gave me fresh eggs from their chickens and some formula samples.


We have been put on the list to take emergency foster placements. For example, if they take a child into care in the middle of the night or on a weekend.  They do understand that we are leaving for England in April so the placement really couldn't be for more than a few weeks. More likely just a few days or a week. When we return we will be open for a longer term placement. Ive been doing some deep cleaning and getting the spare room around.  Preparing for another foster child feels like getting ready to go back to work. I consider this my work, and I look forward to it. Titus and I could use another little friend to keep us company. The certifier has suggested that I join the foster parent advisory group and get my name on the mentor list. I am not sure that I have much wisdom to impart but I felt flattered. I suppose I have some insight for those just starting out.

Still dealing with rats in the dirt basement. Exterminator coming out often. He thinks they are attracted to all the urban chickens in our neighborhood.They like chicken feed. Thank goodness no rodents in the house. We have some things stored down there, including all of my non maternity clothes. I wont go down there and Im afraid that the rats might have somehow gotten into the bins my clothes are stored in. Luckily I dont have much money invested in my wardrobe. In the meantime Im still wearing maternity dresses and tights! You cant really tell.

I saw the girls on Saturday. So sweet in their ballet outfits. I will be watching the eldest one during the day over spring break. The other two will be in daycare.

We are now planning a stop over in Amsterdam rather than Iceland. Easier to fly Portland to Amsterdam then directly to Norwich. This allows us to skip both Seattle and London, saving $$$ in the process. It was a very mild winter in the Pacific northwest. There are already some spring flowers in our garden. The hope is to greatly expand our vegetable garden this year and add a few fruit trees. I couldnt do much garden tending last year because of the pregnancy. Hoping to make up for it this year. Seeing as how we are stuck in this house forever (upside down in mortgage) I might as well make it pretty. Our house is small but our yard is a nice size for a city lot.

I had been stressing over money but that seems to have resolved. We are getting a fat tax return. More than we actually paid. Im not sure how that works, but I will take it this year. This will be the only time we will ever have 4 dependents to claim. Yeehaw!

Normalizing

Life is returning to normal. Titus is sort of sleeping through the night. As much as a 9lb 2 month old can. He goes down at 11:30  and sleeps until 5am quick feed and back to sleep until 8. So I am sleeping too. The anxiety is mostly gone. 

Lets see, since my last post I finally saw the OB for a post partum checkup. She said everything looks good. We discussed birth control, which just seems silly. She assured me that she has seen lots of less than fertile women become pregnant quickly after giving birth. I dont even want to think about that. Besides, to become pregnant you need to have sex. That has not taken place for 10 months or more. Hopefully that will normalize in the next month or two as well.

Titus had his 2 month appointment. He is itty bitty. Just 8 lbs 10 oz at 9 weeks. and 21 inches. This puts him below the 2nd percentile. He is taking 4oz of formula every 3 hours except during his longer night stretch. He wiggles a lot when he is awake. The boy must just have a very fast metabolism as he eats as much as some babies nearly twice his weight.

He grins and coos a lot now, and wants to be entertained. He has mobiles and chimes. He likes to look at mirrors and stuffed animals. I read, talk, and sing to him all day long. The weather has been miserable and Im looking forward to spring so we can get out a bit more. I would like to take him to the baby story hour at the library but I worry about virus germs this time of year. I wonder if his poor little immune system will be crap because I cant breastfeed.

Brian and I plan to have another foster child in our home when we return from England & Iceland this spring. This trip had been planned for November of 2011 but that obviously didnt work out. Brian's Nanna has paid for our tickets. The trip ought be booked pretty soon. Working on getting Titus his passports. British and US. International travel with a baby of 5 months should be interesting.

I have been spending time on the phone bonding with the foster girl's  adoptive mom. I think I figured out a way to get to see them whenever I like. I offered to trade next weekend. Titus for the girls for a few hours. She was thrilled. Brian and I will take the ladies to ballet and then we will all have lunch together at their house.

he found his fist

bit by bit

It's getting better. Zoloft seems to be kicking in. Ativan took the edge off so I can sleep. Sleep enables me to be rational when I'm awake. Titus is sweet and snoozy.  Ive had a few girlfriends over to spoil me. Bring me lunch or baked goods. The darkness this time of year gets to me even when I'm not having a mental health crisis.  On the whole, much better now.

The foster girls came over for a gift exchange and some holiday fun Sunday evening. They met the baby for the first time. The girls are growing so fast. It was just over a year ago that they came to stay with us.

I am paranoid about Titus getting a cold or the flu so I keep him in unless I have to take him to the doctor. We have ventured out when its not raining for a few spins around the neighborhood. I splashed out a bit of cash for his Britax stroller/ car seat combo but it was so worth it. light weight.. even I can put the stroller in the car without much hassle. Hes been up to the children's hospital for a final consult with the pediatric cardiologist. Actually a different one than I saw while he was in utero. They did yet another echo cardiogram ( did 2 while he was in the NICU) and she said his heart looks great. She will not need to see him again until he is 3 years of age. That said, he still has to have a surgery! On his penis.. poor little guy. He has a birth defect of the penis called hypospadias. Basically his pee hole is in the wrong spot, and the penis bends in an odd manner. So in the interest of not making him sit when he pees and of him being able to have normal sexual function as an adult, the doc will need to do a repair. I don't know 100% whats involved but we have another consult when he is 4 months old and will learn more then. The surgery is to be done anytime after 6 months of age.

Still no news from Genetics.

Presently waiting for my mother to arrive so I may get a shower and fix dinner and she can have some baby snuggle time.

air guitar

Not quite happily ever after

I have been living with a pretty nasty case of postpartum depression/ anxiety. By anxiety I really mean terror and panic. I cry for hours every day, needless to say I am not enjoying my infant very much. I worry constantly . If he vomits, I freak out. If he poops too much. If he coughs, snorts, or grunts. My biggest fear is that he will slip away silently in his sleep, so I keep a vigil. Checking him often which cuts into my sleep. He is so precious an irreplaceable to me. If anything happened to him I wouldn't survive it.

 Today I saw the clinical social worker that works out of my OB's clinic. I had seen her about a dozen times a couple of years ago, right after the miscarriages. I like her very much but my feeling has always been that when it comes to real illness, she is slightly out of her depth. Back then I switched to a psychiatrist, insurance paid but shes out of network and to see her again would require paperwork and probably a wait. She is always booked solid. The clinical social worker asked my OB to prescribe zoloft which I had taken in the fall/ winter of 2009. I also asked for ativan to get me over the hump, but she said she would really rather not ask the doctor for that as its addictive. I almost laughed considering the amount and duration of narcotics they had me on  after my C section. A little ativan until the zoloft kicks in seems like small potatoes. I know I need to do the hard work of being positive, relaxation breathing and all of that. I just want a little help. I wrote the OB and asked her myself today. If she says no, then she will need to write me a new refferal to the prescriber.

I have not been able to nurse the baby. Long story short, I never got any milk in. Ive pumped 6-8 times per day for the past 3.5 weeks with very little to show for it each time. Titus wouldn't really properly latch and nurse until last week. now that he will there isnt any milk. I get anywhere from 10 to 30ml. per pump. Today I had to say enough is enough. Ive seen lactation consultants. While they have lots of great tips for getting the baby to latch and drink.. not so much for building a milk supply. Of course I had a rough start with the C section, the NICU time etc. Still gutted about the whole thing. I really dont want this baby to live on fortified cows milk. Formula even smells bad to me.  There are no opperational milk banks in my area.

I wanted to switch to my baby blog but to be honest I havnt had the energy to set it up yet, and until I dig my way out of this hole I dont feel like I am quite done here. I so much wanted to enjoy this early time with my baby. He is doing fantastic by the way. All the concern is all in my head. I know this. At the rate he has been going he should hit 7 lbs tomorrow.  I am healing up reasonably well from the C section. Brian returns to work tomorrow, after his 3 week paternity leave. My mom will be with me for the better part of a week.

If any of you have experience with post partum depression or anxiety please share.