I have mixed feelings about the online and real life support/ buddy groups that I have been participating in. I have bonded with lovely and intelligent women that I would never have met in the during the course of my every day life. We have shared joys and many disappointments, I have learned a great deal about infertility and pregnancy loss that would have been hard, if not impossible to come by without reading the accounts of these women's experiences and benefiting from their research. At the same time, I keep thinking how easily we forget. Women who used to lament about long cycles , fertility testing, and chemical pregnancies, are now gushing about cloth diapers and complaining bitterly about lack of sleep. If I hear or see one more former infertile going on about how having a baby "changes everything" I might be forced to gauge out my eyes and ears with a bloody pitchfork. Dont they remember how NOT being able to have a baby changed everything ? For your average woman who happily spends 5 years with her husband before getting pregnant and delivering, I can see how having a baby changes everything, disrupts your saturday morning sleep ins and late nights with friends. Cramps your style as far as shopping and spending goes.. personally I have not been enjoying this time of not having children. its been painful, and wretched. Heartbreaking and wallet draining. I would be pretty cussing glad to have everything changed by a healthy baby, but I dont know if I could forget these past few years.
Perhaps we should divide ourselves into those that have come out the other end of the infertility void, and those that have not. Or maybe I just need to avoid this sort of thing for a while.
Im also having mixed feelings about therapy. Now that my anxiety is mostly being controlled by the zoloft, I want to focus on my painful feelings surrounding my miscarriages, which I feel are totally normal and valid, that there is nothing pathological about these feelings of anger, jealousy,inadequacy, and isolation. However, they are no less worthy of treatment. During our last session I mentioned that I feel that women who have easily had children, or are pregnant with no reason to suspect that anything bad could happen, must hear my story and think "Im sure glad Im not THAT sad sack of shit". A woman who cant even manage to fufill her biological imperative. The psychiatrist looked shocked that I said that, told me I was projecting, and went on to ask about my anxiety. I cant help but feel that she just dosent get it, and Im not totally sure who would. My ideal therapist would be a reproductive endocrinologist/ psychiatrist who has run a recurrent loss clinic and has personally suffered at least 6 pregnancy losses, and infertility. Because I feel that unless a person has experienced what I have, how COULD they possibly understand ? And this is what frustrates me so much about these women in my support groups who have "graduated". Because they have understood and they should understand, but they seem to go through some sort of baby induced amnesia. I have been seeking the company of people in the same situation, but more often than not these people go on to have children, and the bond isnt broken but it changes.
5 hours ago