Wednesday, March 24, 2010

the haves and have nots

I have mixed feelings about the online and real life support/ buddy groups that I have been participating in. I have bonded with lovely and intelligent women that I would never have met in the during the course of my every day life. We have shared joys and many disappointments, I have learned a great deal about infertility and pregnancy loss that would have been hard, if not impossible to come by without reading the accounts of these women's experiences and benefiting from their research. At the same time, I keep thinking how easily we forget. Women who used to lament about long cycles , fertility testing, and chemical pregnancies, are now gushing about cloth diapers and complaining bitterly about lack of sleep. If I hear or see one more former infertile going on about how having a baby "changes everything" I might be forced to gauge out my eyes and ears with a bloody pitchfork. Dont they remember how NOT being able to have a baby changed everything ? For your average woman who happily spends 5 years with her husband before getting pregnant and delivering, I can see how having a baby changes everything, disrupts your saturday morning sleep ins and late nights with friends. Cramps your style as far as shopping and spending goes.. personally I have not been enjoying this time of not having children. its been painful, and wretched. Heartbreaking and wallet draining. I would be pretty cussing glad to have everything changed by a healthy baby, but I dont know if I could forget these past few years.

Perhaps we should divide ourselves into those that have come out the other end of the infertility void, and those that have not. Or maybe I just need to avoid this sort of thing for a while.

Im also having mixed feelings about therapy. Now that my anxiety is mostly being controlled by the zoloft, I want to focus on my painful feelings surrounding my miscarriages, which I feel are totally normal and valid, that there is nothing pathological about these feelings of anger, jealousy,inadequacy, and isolation. However, they are no less worthy of treatment. During our last session I mentioned that I feel that women who have easily had children, or are pregnant with no reason to suspect that anything bad could happen, must hear my story and think "Im sure glad Im not THAT sad sack of shit". A woman who cant even manage to fufill her biological imperative. The psychiatrist looked shocked that I said that, told me I was projecting, and went on to ask about my anxiety. I cant help but feel that she just dosent get it, and Im not totally sure who would. My ideal therapist would be a reproductive endocrinologist/ psychiatrist who has run a recurrent loss clinic and has personally suffered at least 6 pregnancy losses, and infertility. Because I feel that unless a person has experienced what I have, how COULD they possibly understand ? And this is what frustrates me so much about these women in my support groups who have "graduated". Because they have understood and they should understand, but they seem to go through some sort of baby induced amnesia. I have been seeking the company of people in the same situation, but more often than not these people go on to have children, and the bond isnt broken but it changes.


  1. OMG, I SO feel you! I do agree that our fellow infertiles seem to just up and forget their (and our!) struggle so quickly! Maybe I'm just jealous, because I'm not sure I ever could forget this pain....and I'd sure as heck like to!

    As for your thoughts and your therapy, I agree. I struggle with support groups and my therapy, also, because it's like, " YOU don't get it, so don't talk to ME about how I feel!" When you said that you thought "fertiles" essentially felt sorry for you, I felt your pain. I have thought many times, "I am the one that everyone looks at with pity" and then I's just too much some days.

    On another note, I also have had MANY infertile friends go on to have babies. The deal with surrounding ourselves with people who have had losses and/or infertility is that they are ALSO on a journey to have a baby. And if they are as determined as I am, they WILL get their babies. Some just get theirs before I will get mine. Uggghh, how I wish my turn was here. I just try to be be happy for them, while holding my own sad feelings. It's hard...but I try to hold on to the thought that, one day, I will be the one with a baby and I will have to be sensitive to the others who are still waiting.

    Hang in there, girl - you are not alone!!

  2. I'm not shocked your therapist was shocked at your voiced feelings, but only because there are not many really WOW top-notch professional people out there. I AM saddened for you, though, that your therapist isn't providing you with the the solid support that you need right now. All those feelings are valid and she should support you in venting them, and then examining them further, not just brushing them aside.

    I know how utterly fortunate I have been in finding a therapist who was never shocked at anything that came out of my mouth, and when they were particularly venomous or socially unacceptable she would remark on how BRAVE I was to admit having those feelings.

    If your therapist can't give you the unconditional support you deserve from that profession, then maybe you can remind YOURSELF every now and again of how BRAVE you are to be facing this stuff and working through it. This takes honest hard graft and a lot of guts. It is NOT merely having a whinge about how lucky other people are and how shit we have it. It IS about examining further into that scenario of loss, grief, guilt, inadequacy, social isolation etc etc. Big questions that most people never bother facing, but are there for ALL of us to examine in our lives.

    And YOU are doing a good job. Hang in there. xx

  3. I read this post the other day but I wasnt able to comment at the time! So.. sorry for chiming in late here!! Lol..

    But, I just wanted you to know that I "get" everything that you said.. and I feel the exact same way. In fact.. I could have personally written the first paragraph of this post myself!!

    Hang in there girl!! When you do get pregnant, you will be one of the blogs that I will continue to follow because I know that you will not take a moment for granted. You will not forget your beginnings. So to speak. =)

    God's blessings to you...


  4. thanks , all of you. I do feel lucky to have this support in the blog world.

    Faith, I just had a look at your blog and am gobbling it up.



  5. I completely and totally understand everything you are saying. I feel the exact same way. I've distanced myself from because it was making me feel worse about my situation.

    Hang in there, you are absolutely not alone in this. You are not defective!

    I read your other post, but will comment here, hope you don't mind. I also have been through every stinking test out there. We did find the wasn't me. All but 1% of my husband's sperm have DNA damage. The Dr believes that caused the losses. We never would have known this from a standard semen analysis. His initial counts looked excellent. The did some more in-depth testing of the morphology and found the DNA damage. Maybe it is something to ask your Dr about. Our stories are so similar. I responded beautifully to Clomid, ovulated every month on my own and still have no baby to show for all of the efforts.

    Previously I did not want to do IVF either, but after finding out the bad news it's our only option. Now that I have had time to digest it all I am excited about the upcoming IVF cycle.

    Best wishes,

    Traci AKA Cubbie

  6. Traci, I did get your message a while back about your husband's sperm. Im sorry I didnt manage to reply. You have every reason to be excited about a coming IVF with PGD cycle. Im more inclined to think that any so far undiscovered problems are on my end, as I have a history of pregnancy loss with a previous partner as well. Which tests did your husband have done, exactly ? If you dont mind my asking. I would certainly give IVF with pgd a chance, if I thought that it would increase my chances of going to term, so far my RE cant really provide any evidence that it would. IVF with donor eggs would almost certainly increase my chances but I would prefer to adopt, because I would never be able to afford more than one attempt at it. I hate that any of us have to make these kinds of choices. please keep me updated on your coming IVF cycle

    please feel free to email me at