Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I think I forgot to mention that my last and final batch of blood work came back all normal. Again. So now there really will be no more testing and as far as I know, they I will never have a reason for a total of 4 confirmed miscarriages. I will never know if the pregnancy that I aborted would have gone to term, but it didnt look great. I was bleeding and had an unexplained uterine infection. There also won't be any lovenox(blood thinners). My RE's nurse had gotten me all psyched up for a possible inject cycle. The RE still says that his first choice for me is IVF with PGD, second choice IVF with donor eggs. After I again told him no way, he says there is no need for injects since I respond well to oral meds and we will go ahead and try letrezole (femara) and IUI. The thing is, I dont want to! I am so freaking tired of trying to get pregnant. So awful sick of being disappointed. I think my heart and brain have just given up on the possibility that a potential pregnancy is going to lead to a live birth. Pregnancy has for me become a sort of self flagellation. Between my therapist and my doctors, I feel like at this point, I cant even buy any hope. I have been trying to do little things to coax that hopeful feeling back into the light. The supplimental insurance for pregnancy, the maternity dress, but I am still coming up short. What would make me feel most productive would be to persue a domestic adoption, and with Brian going to grad school and moving state next year, that is not an option. Cant buy hope and cant buy a (30 thousand dollar) baby.

Brian is unwilling to give up. He even called me a wimp for wanting to delay this next treatment cycle.I told him that we have already been through more than most people would subject themselves to. We have reached a compromise, I will fill a final clomid prescription that I have had waiting for me and take that when I get my period in two weeks. We will go to mexico for ten days in the early part of May (booked trip already) so I can feel like an adult and just take a load off. If Im not pregnant, we will go ahead with the IUI cycle may/june cycle. I have to keep reminding myself that Brian has a lot of emotional investment in having our biological children, and that he does get some say. We will keep navigating this slippery slope together, and If Ive lost my capacity to hope for a while, I know that he hasnt.


  1. Oh, hun, I know that feeling. I was lucky that my husband and I were both ok with moving to adoption (me a little more than him at first:)). When I got pregnant again right after we made this decision, I thought, well, here we go. And I lost that baby, too. And, I just found out recently that all our tests came back normal, too! It's nice to know we're normal, but devastating to not have answers! I honestly just can't put my heart in fertility procedures anymore, so I know that hesitation on your part. I do hope that you are able to come to an agreement with hubby. It's so hard when we are in different places emotionally than our partners. Hang in there!

    I can say, I love femara. I had no side effects and got pregnant on my third round of it. It is a relatively easy drug, and if/when we try again for a bio child, I will definitely go straight back to femara. Good luck and have fun in Mexico:)!

  2. I understand how tired of trying to get (and stay) pregnant a person can be. And how hope of a live birth can fizzle away into nothingness. I haven't got anything particularly useful to add, though, or anything that might cheer you up.

    I'm glad your husband can hope for the both of you at the moment. And I am sending best wishes your way for a successful May/June IUI. x

  3. I know how it feels to lose hope...and its so great that one of you can hang on to it while the other grieves. Its a long road...it really is. Thinking of you...