Wednesday, June 1, 2011

a bit of a pickle

I'm struggling keeping up with the foster girls and DHS demands. More appointments being piled on for summer, rather than less. Caseworker will not return my calls or emails regarding a possible vacation in July, or really any of my emails or calls. She phoned less than 24 hours before she wanted to do her monthly home visit but to be honest these only happen every two months. Often directly before or after a court date. I am tired. As urgently as I wanted them last fall I hate to say that now I'm struggling with whether or not they need to go this fall. Where will they go? They have switched the reunification efforts from Mom to Dad, but dad isn't ready yet. It seems that only Mom's clock was ticking and that now that dad has moved state and sort of settled in town he gets a clean slate. We are pretty sure this new effort could take between 6 months and a year.

A big part of me wants them to stay until they are 100% ready to be moved. We are making such progress on speech, and delving in deeper to emotional disturbances. The 3 year old seems like a different child, gone from having the emotional maturity of an 18 month old, to being more or less on target for 3. I have done a little fancy foot work and arranged to have the two younger girls in all day federally funded preschool (head start) even though they usually require that both parents work for this all day program. I made a lot of phone calls and arranged for them all to have private speech therapy through the summer so there wont be a lag. I want to see them grow, I want to celebrate Christmas with them again. My mother is urging me to keep them as long as possible. She says it will work out somehow. I'm afraid she will be hurt or disappointed if we send them away early. The biggest concern is how they will react or adjust to yet another foster placement. This isn't fair to them.

At the same time.. I am so tired. This pregnancy has already had a bit more than its fair share of scary and stressful. I don't know whats around the corner. I worry about everyone getting their needs met. including myself, my husband and our baby (knock on wood). There are practical issues to consider. How will the infant get on any sort of schedule if we are constantly in the car taking girls to specialist appointments and therapy? How can I navigate a crowded hospital parking lot in the slush and ice with an infant, and three little kids? A part time nanny might be able to help, but wouldn't be permitted to take girls to appointments. State makes it very clear that only the foster parents can do that sort of thing.  The girls already wake us up 2-4 times a night.. even more if somebody is sick and sick they are. A lot. Will I get any sleep at all? There are selfish things to take into consideration as well. This is likely to be the only baby I will ever have. I want to enjoy the month leading up to birth and prepare my house, and my mind for an infant. I want to decorate a nursery, which leads us to space consideration. There are already 5 of us in a 1000 square foot house.

I understand that I might have run into the same situation had I become pregnant via FET. That pregnancy would have happened later though, and I was under the impression during that planning time that the ladies would be back with their mother before the end of winter 2011/ 2012. This one took me by surprise.

I have already lost sleep over this and shed a few tears. My midwife thinks that they need to go in October. I know its not really her place to say but she worries about my anxiety levels. She knows that I was being treated for anxiety last year.

I want to do the right thing by everyone. I'm hoping for some clarity in the next few weeks before I have to decide for sure.


  1. That's a tough call. Sounds like you are thinking about all the right things, taking the whole gamut into consideration. Doesn't make the decision any easier though. Thinking of you. xx

  2. Oh wow, so hard to know what is the best move. I see your points in needing your time, space, sleep and energy. I also know how difficult it will be for those little ones to have to go to a new home. I'm so sorry you have to make this decision. I have no advice, only you and your family can make this decision, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. Good luck, hun.

  3. I wish I had the perfect advice for you, but sadly I do not. But if you do not take care of yourself you will not be able to take care of everyone else. Said the pot to the kettle. I am thinking of you, and hope you can come a decision that makes you feel at peace.