Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Neither here nor there

I wanted to keep a journal about recurrent pregnancy loss. I had no intention of sharing until my dear blog friend Panamahat invited me to do so. I'm now feeling in a bit of a no woman's land as far as blogging goes. I have not yet made it to the "other side" but have made it far enough to say that recurrent pregnancy loss is no longer my current problem. It seems to me that this pregnancy has been a fantastic fluke. Not at all sure that I would be willing to subject myself to the infertility and loss juggernaut again. 

I never thought making it out of a first trimester was the end goal. I still had fears of late pregnancy loss or still birth, unfounded.. but very real for me. I had the image of Lucy yanking away the football from Charlie Brown as my computer wallpaper for a long time. The fact that Titus may be born less than healthy feels a little like another missed kick. I bet that seems ungrateful. Maybe so. I felt like if I could make it through a pregnancy then of course things would be fine. I still don't know how this is going to play out. Happily ever after? Perhaps a version of it I couldn't have anticipated.

I have complained that infertility takes away your ability to plan for the future, outside of the next couple of cycles. Now that it looks like I will have a baby I can keep..  we will need to make up for lost time. Brian still wants to do a PHD. If he can get into a program with funding, this will be a lot more feasible. I will need to work full time, at least one job to support the family , which takes away my fantasy of being a stay at home mother. As for what sort of work I will do.. hmm. I hate the Oregon board of massage and this is the main reason I havnt sat for the state board exam in oregon. I passed the federal one with flying colors. If we move state I wont have to take another. So I could hang up a shingle and work for myself. I cant see clocking in and out at a chiropractor's office or a fancy spa. Too much work, not enough pay. I do like the idea of combining all of my training and doing theraputic massage for people in nursing homes and on hospice. More and more hospice programs are hiring for this. I guess this brings me to my final thought for this post.. if Im going to take care of other people .. Whether it be my own family or the folks I end up working with Im going to need to heal myself a bit first. To process some of my anger over how the last few years went. This may mean just trying to think of some of it as water under the bridge. Im probably going to have to discuss it in therapy and then let it go. At least as much as possible.


  1. It sounds like you are making progress already. I completely understand about feeling like Charlie Brown with Lucy yanking the football away.

  2. Wow, so many feelings here. I think you are right, therapy is a good place to process it all. I have been there myself, many times actually. And having a baby makes you "take stock" I think, or at least that has been my experience. Thinking of you..