Beta was 300. Doubling time about 48 hours.  I will have another one tomorrow which should be more telling. I got the blood draw and then went and ate lunch at the cafeteria where their wifi connection enabled me to get my own result online about a half hour later. Beats the hell out of waiting in a stuffy, windowless room for a clumsy advice nurse to come in and break the news to me. Which I did several times before. The hospital cafeteria actually has a very good salad bar and if you sit by the window you can look at their garden which has a large fountain.

I have family coming today for a Christmas thing then am giving a baby shower for my bff tomorrow. I am tired though and feeling emotionally vulnerable and wimpy. I would much prefer to cancel everything and crawl into bed for a couple of days.

spotting of course

What a fool I was to think I might be able to have a normal pregnancy with no early bleeding. 5 times bleeding has been bad news. 1 time it was just scary as hell for 15 weeks.

I suppose I have to call the nurse advice line and wait on the phone for an hour to see if I can get a second beta today.

hcg

My HCG beta blood draw results are in. 81 at aprox 12 - 13 days past ovulation.  I took a final home pregnancy test today and the line was much darker than yesterday when I had the blood work done. Leading me to believe that the hormone level is doubling up as it should. This is the first time that I have had normal betas at this point in a pregnancy.

I see the midwife the first week of January. Looks like they will alternate visits between the midwife and OB. Lets see if I can wait that long for a live baby check. I might freak out and need an ultrasound between 6 & 7 weeks. I do not wish to waste medical resources but on the other hand, with my history, I doubt they would deny me a quick peek.

It happened fast

I am pregnant. Very very early days. If you know me in real life not a word, not a word. We wouldn't tell until after I got out of the first trimester. That is still a big if with my history. 

Brian and I just have to hold on tight and hope for the best. It's hard not to work out a due date. Mid August I suppose. 

I already feel like shit. That has to be a good sign? I tested positive early. About 9 dpo yesterday. I always tested positive late and had low starting betas when I miscarried. Beta hell begins on Monday. My OB wants them. 

mid cycle

My 8.5 months of pregnancy and the last year seem to have gone by in a flash. Here we are again. Sex when you don't really want it. Hormonal fluctuations. Planning and peeing on things.  I think I ovulated yesterday, maybe it's today. Let the wait commence! No hot flashes or other clomephine side effects this cycle with the exception of a foul mood. My plan is to get Brian on board for an IUI w/ injects cycle this late spring, if need be. It's dreadfully expensive. I would switch RE's. Not that thrilled with the care that I got at Oregon reproductive medicine. Will check out Oregon health science university. the only other real choice for fertility clinics.  At first I had let Brian convince me that we would simply stop after a year of timed intercourse with clomid. Then I got to thinking about the amount of emotional stamina a full year of TTC would take.  

cd 3

Clomid.  I feel like I should have some idea of my expectations and how long we are willing to try. I have no idea. It all feels new again. The stakes are not as high.  I'm not going to lie and say that I already have one child, and it is fine if we don't have another. It wouldn't be fine, but at this point I know that the sibling has a decent chance of being an adopted one. I am attending a conference for people involved in child welfare tomorrow. Our foster/ adopt certifier will be there too and we plan to have lunch and discuss straight up adoption vs. foster to adopt. It will happen one way or the other. I don't expect either way will be easy.

We celebrated Titus' first birthday on the 4th. A big party at a rented venue with over 40 guests. It was fun. We wanted that big day for us as much as him. We certainly had something to celebrate.  I can't help but feel that all children who arrive after a long struggle are just a smidge more special. 

Not much to mention

There isn't much happening in the way of trying to conceive. I am down 5 lbs. 10 more to go. Slower than I had anticipated but I have yet to put a huge amount of effort into it. To be honest I have been feeling run down. Maybe is lingering PPD .  I don't feel all that social and I don't want to go anywhere. Except FAR away. I have a dream that I will one day move my family to the pacific coast of mexico. Not get off the grid, just slow waaaay down. The Portland metropolitan area has something like 2.5 million people but it does not feel like a big city. Maybe a big town, still the pace is faster and more hectic than I would prefer. I would love to be in the country. I feel sluggish and generally malcontent. I need to find more productive things to do. Just caring for Titus & 5 year old M often feels like a Herculean task. This sounds like a depressed person. Maybe I am.

The plan is to do a juice fast to kick start things and get rid of this slug/fog feeling.  Exercise is  the key. I have been looking for people to trade child care with so that I can get to the pool and gym.  I have felt like a tube of toothpaste all squeezed out. This is likely in no small part due to the fact that I over extend myself in the caregiving department. 8 foster children in 2 years time. A weird pregnancy and C section delivery. I need time to recharge. Particularly if I want to make a final attempt at producing life.     I can not afford weekly TCM at the moment but it probably wouldn't hurt to get back on the herbs and do what treatments I can.

As far as foster care goes it looks like little M will be moving in with his Dad on the 1st of November. Touch wood. I won't get into the entire story but the Dad has been a real pain in the ass lately. Harassing us on the phone and just not playing very nice. Everyone thinks he might be trying to self sabotage in the 11th hour. M is sweet and gentle. Lots of energy. He started full time kindergarten last week. I have been communicating everything I know to his special Ed teachers. He has an IEP and I am hopeful that he will begin to catch up. Still waiting for a referral for a complete developmental assessment. The hope is that we will have that well under way before he moves in with his father. Dad is 100% in denial about any delays or issues.

Titus is well and just lovely. Nearly walking. We are planning his 1st birthday bash. I almost just called it a blow out. Ha. That might happen too. I STILL can't believe that I have a child and he is nearing the end of his first year.