whole new can of worms

I am more or less acccustomed to having people say rude, insensitive, or just ignorant things about my infertility. I am also used to hearing folks make similar comments about my recurrent pregnancy loss problem. My first live support group meeting here in portland had my cheeks burning and tears welling in my eyes when a woman told me "youre not infertile, you keep getting pregnant". Im slowly telling family and friends that Brian and I are planning to become foster parents, with a thought to adoption and now everything is turned up a notch. It now appears to be open season on discussing my failed attempts at delivering a baby, and to tell me all about how hard foster parenting is. Regaurdless of weather or not they have ever done it. People also like to recite the myriad reasons they would never do it. The thing is, nobody is asking them to. Brian and I want to do this because we think its the right thing for us. We feel its noble and worthwhile and a fine way to spend our time and resources, both emotional and financial. We dont know if it will end in the dream come true, of getting a child we can keep forever but it MIGHT. After everything I have been through these past couple of years MIGHT sounds pretty darn good. Like my friend "panamahat" mentioned the other day, we have to work with the resources that we have. To quote Bob Dylan "Life is sad, life is a bust, all you can do is do what you must you do what you must do and you do it well".

I suppose Brian and I will have to figure out how to navigate this new sensitive territory. Do you ignore these sorts of questions or comments, or do you attempt to educate people? I know that much of it stems from natural curiosity and concern for our well being and happiness.

If it does happen that I am pregnant during the course of these next few medicated cycles, Im almost certain that we will procede with the foster/ adoptive parenting classes. Brian has agreed to stay at his job another two years if need be. Im feeling like there really is more than one way for us to get to parent, and that we might be surprised by what happens in the end, and that feels good. I get so frustrated when I feel like I am running out of options.

a little luck

A caseworker from the state finally phoned me, when I couldnt make it to my cell at work. But at least she tried. Turns out the woman I had been leaving messages for is no longer the person in charge of foster care info. I only wish the two people I actually got on the phone would have known this, they had assured me I had the right person/ right number. Oh well, ball rolling. Im thinking now that I have the right person I shouldnt have to play phone tag for too long.

Im thinking I MIGHT be pregnant this cycle. Dont ask me why, some months I just have a feeling. Ive been wrong almost as many times as I have been right. Of course it could always be psychosomatic. Time will tell. Im having a few indicators, stingy nipples, heart burn (I always get this super early in pregnancy) and the desire to take an afternoon nap today. I also had the faintest hint of blood in my CM today. I keep telling myself I wont take a test unless my period is several days late, but we know how well that usually works out.

The State

The state worker hasnt returned any of my calls. I spoke to somebody else in her office and they wont give me any information at all, except to say that nobody has any luck getting this woman on the phone and that if I dont hear from her by next tuesday, that they will shoot her an email on my behalf. I just want to know where I can get an application and when the next orientation class is. I also need to go in for fingerprinting but none of the literature they sent a few months ago provides any clue about where that might happen. Im reminded of the movie Brazil, only I cant even get my hands on a stupid 27b/6 form. I need a Mr. Tuttle to blow a bunch of shit into their office via a very complicated duct system. That would make me feel better. Seriously, I was told that they are bad about returning calls but this is stupid. How does anyone become a foster parent ? I asked my stepmother how I should proceed, and she said to give them another day or so, then get a supervisor on the phone. She works for the same department, only in a different city.

I wanted to tell Faith that she was so right about the 3 month average placement being incorrect. The average placement is actually something like 400 days. I think I will just need to be upfront about how long we are likely to be in Oregon. I can probably still do some shelter care or a shorter term placement.

Ive been cooking up a storm in recent days. blueberry muffins with strusel, turkey and italian sausage meatballs with fresh fennel, pasta with fava beans and a lovely pesto that I whipped up myself. We got a bunch of fava beans in our veg boxes the past couple of weeks. Anyone have any ideas about what else I could do with them ? besides serving them with human flesh and a nice chianti ala hanibal lecter ?

Fertility Friend says I ovulated on cycle day 15. I disagree and say 16 or 17. No matter, as we didnt really have enough sex this month to cover all our bases. It's possible but,, meh. My HSG is ordered for next cycle, I just have to call in when I get my period. The radiologist at kaiser is horribly inept at performing these things without pain. From what I have read, its really all about the finesse of the doctor. This time I am bringing my mommy and asking my OB for a something a bit stronger than Ibuprofen.

Im sort of wondering If Im really cut out for dealing with the state for a year or more, if Im bristling so much at a few rude receptionists and 2.5 days worth of unreturned calls. We will see.

smuggled

I don't think I mentioned that I smuggled 60 clomid tablets back from mexico. I got them at a reputable pharmacy directly from the mexican pharmacist, so Im fairly confident that the pills are just fine. I snuck them back in a clomid rx bottle. I have a prescription, but not for that many pills. I take 100 mg, so this is six months worth. Should I need it. I like having it as an option. I wrote my OB asking her to order another HSG for me. My last one was in June of 'o8. If Im going to keep consuming clomid and the like, I want to make sure that the tubes are all clear. I also cant help thinking that it very well could give a little fertility boost, even with the water based dye as opposed to the old school oil based dye. My OB has agreed to that. She said she would prescribe Femara if I prefer to take that so I dont have to pay so much to have monitored cycles with the RE, but I would prefer to stick with clomid for now. Its been proven to assist in getting me knocked up and I dont get the horrid side effects on it. I hardly notice that I'm on clomid at all.

Today is cycle day 17 and Im probably ovulating today. I had a positive OPK yesterday. Ive been using opks for YEARS and have finally figured out the clear blue ones are the most reliable.

We have decided to stay in our house for another year. I had a real estate agent out here last week. Who knew that we would have to come up with 20 grand in closing costs ? We are hoping to stay and build a little more equity,perhaps do a for sale by owner. Prices are going back up in my hood. Brian would still like to apply to grad school but we wouldnt need to relocate until late summer of 2011.

Thanks for responding to my last post. The three of you gave me a lot to chew on and mull over. I agree that IVF with donor eggs is a pretty great option if one can afford it. Who knows, maybe in 5 years the price will drop as it becomes more and more common. For now its probably wiser for me to dedicate my savings to an adoption. I wish the stupid adoption tax credit wasnt in constant danger of expiring.

Brian and I have agreed to take some foster children for the duration of the time we are in Portland. From what I understand the average placement is a few months, so we might go through a few sets of kids before we pack it up and move. My step mother works for the department of human services here in Oregon, so she knows everything there is to know about the foster system here and a possible foster to adopt situation. From what she says, people do adopt infants out of foster care fairly often, but you really cant bet on it. Its sort of about being in the right place at the right time. I know its not fair, but she has some inside info about the children in care that might give Brian and I an advantage. So if that happens, wonderful. If not, we still get our feet wet in the world of foster care. I get to direct some of the mommy instinct into something productive, and hopefully we can be of some benefit to kids who really need the attention of stable adults. We have two rooms in our house that arent being used for anything except neglected exercise equipment and book storage. After we do the classes and the homestudy, I will quit my job and get a mini van ! Isnt that wild ? Me, a stay at home "mom" even for a short while? Its what Ive been wanting. This is something we have been discussing for a long time. We know its a lot of hard work and will cause a major upheaval in our home, but I welcome it.

Support Group ?

Would any of you gals dealing with RPL be interested in forming a small support group ? I am no longer able to attend my real life, live group. Because there are too many pregnant women there at any given time, and they just go so late, and I always have to get up early the next morning to work. I was thinking we could find a live chat room somewhere or perhaps do msn messanger. Maybe once a week. Let me know if youre interested.

I have to confess that Im in a pretty bad place emotionally speaking. Trying to figure out how much is too much in the TTC department. One of the really ass burning things about RPL is that there is never closure. Its fresh grief after fresh grief and it just never seems to stop. There is a large part of my brain that is urging me to throw in the towel, but Im not quite there. I think there would be too many what ifs if I dont at least try one more pregnancy. Im looking for advice. I know many of you are dealing with or have delt with the same issue. I know this is so personal, but Im really curious, what would you do if you were me ? For those that dont know my whole story I can try to give you the readers digest version. I was pregnant at 22, it was unplanned and very upsetting. I was having a strange orange colored discharge and spotting. The nurses at planned parenthood told me my pregnancy would be "high risk" due to an unidentified uterine infection (which years later I found out was nothing worse than a super flared up case of bacterial vaginosis). An ultrasound showed I was at the tail end of five weeks, and we saw a heartbeat. I had an abortion. Less than a year later I was pregnant again by the same partner. I miscarried violently before I had a chance to make a prenatal appointment, I was 7 weeks. That relationship ended, and I didnt give a lot of thought to having children until I was in my late 20's and fixing to get married. I diagnosed myself as having a fertility problem, but my OB had me monitor my cycles for a full year before she did a workup. Turns out I was right all along. I was pregnant after my second round of clomid in September of '08. Missed miscarriage diagnosed at 11.5 weeks. The fetus made it about 9 weeks. D&C. pregnant again after another couple of clomid cycles. Early bleeding but heart beat detected at 6 weeks 3 days. No heartbeat at 8 week scan. Forced break for three months, then pregnant again last summer after one measly clomid cycle. I didnt know I was pregnant and thought a heavy brown bleed was my period, so I took more clomid. I only took an HPT about two weeks into that cycle cause I started bleeding again. I dont really ovulate on my own, but so far that seems to be the only impediment to getting pregnant.Ive recently completed my 4th medicated cycle in a row (I did take a ttc break after 3 clomid cycles). I figure I have about 3 real options. I can keep trying with the oral stimulation drugs. I can save my money for an IVF with donor eggs. I can save my money for a domestic adoption. Because my RPL is idiopathic, they do say that my chances of going to term are decent. I feel at such a loss, any advice or insight would be much appreciated.

Tequila time

Im not pregnant. spotting yesterday, cramping today and a negative pregnancy test. Blah. Im trying to not let it spoil my vacation. Not thrilled at the prospect of taking more clomid, but I cant afford another thousand dollar IUI cycle at the moment. You might wonder what I am doing in mexico if Im so broke. Good question. Its an attempt at finding a little balance and not letting my infertility struggle take over every stinking part of my life.

In happier news, Brian is having the time of his life down here. He is busy channeling his inner Steve Irwin. His favorite activity has been watching the many geckos in our apartment compete for juicy insects in the evenings.Hes on nearly constant lookout for Iguanas. I see a river boat trip in search of crocodiles in our future.