Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Support Group ?

Would any of you gals dealing with RPL be interested in forming a small support group ? I am no longer able to attend my real life, live group. Because there are too many pregnant women there at any given time, and they just go so late, and I always have to get up early the next morning to work. I was thinking we could find a live chat room somewhere or perhaps do msn messanger. Maybe once a week. Let me know if youre interested.

I have to confess that Im in a pretty bad place emotionally speaking. Trying to figure out how much is too much in the TTC department. One of the really ass burning things about RPL is that there is never closure. Its fresh grief after fresh grief and it just never seems to stop. There is a large part of my brain that is urging me to throw in the towel, but Im not quite there. I think there would be too many what ifs if I dont at least try one more pregnancy. Im looking for advice. I know many of you are dealing with or have delt with the same issue. I know this is so personal, but Im really curious, what would you do if you were me ? For those that dont know my whole story I can try to give you the readers digest version. I was pregnant at 22, it was unplanned and very upsetting. I was having a strange orange colored discharge and spotting. The nurses at planned parenthood told me my pregnancy would be "high risk" due to an unidentified uterine infection (which years later I found out was nothing worse than a super flared up case of bacterial vaginosis). An ultrasound showed I was at the tail end of five weeks, and we saw a heartbeat. I had an abortion. Less than a year later I was pregnant again by the same partner. I miscarried violently before I had a chance to make a prenatal appointment, I was 7 weeks. That relationship ended, and I didnt give a lot of thought to having children until I was in my late 20's and fixing to get married. I diagnosed myself as having a fertility problem, but my OB had me monitor my cycles for a full year before she did a workup. Turns out I was right all along. I was pregnant after my second round of clomid in September of '08. Missed miscarriage diagnosed at 11.5 weeks. The fetus made it about 9 weeks. D&C. pregnant again after another couple of clomid cycles. Early bleeding but heart beat detected at 6 weeks 3 days. No heartbeat at 8 week scan. Forced break for three months, then pregnant again last summer after one measly clomid cycle. I didnt know I was pregnant and thought a heavy brown bleed was my period, so I took more clomid. I only took an HPT about two weeks into that cycle cause I started bleeding again. I dont really ovulate on my own, but so far that seems to be the only impediment to getting pregnant.Ive recently completed my 4th medicated cycle in a row (I did take a ttc break after 3 clomid cycles). I figure I have about 3 real options. I can keep trying with the oral stimulation drugs. I can save my money for an IVF with donor eggs. I can save my money for a domestic adoption. Because my RPL is idiopathic, they do say that my chances of going to term are decent. I feel at such a loss, any advice or insight would be much appreciated.


  1. Oh hun, I'm so sorry. I know it is hard. I had two losses, and I'm not sure I could handle more, really. I had VERY similar losses to yours - I would go in at 11.5 weeks and at 9.5 weeks, and there were no heartbeats. It was devastating.

    That said, no one can tell you what to do. You know what your heart and body can handle. For me, the fertility treatment stuff was literally, I mean literally, eating me alive. I was depressed and angry all the time, my husband and I were not connected, I was incredibly sad, it was just too much. After 1.5 years after my first miscarriage, with no success after oral meds and a few IUIs, we decided to move to adoption. Then, we got pregnant. Geez. We lost that baby in December at 9.5 weeks after three perfect ultrasounds. My heart couldn't go on.

    So, we are back to adoption. We have completed everything and are on the list, and have been for two months. We could have a baby any day, or 9 months from now, there is no telling. I WILL say that the adoption road, so far, has been much more hopeful and FUN! It is a more complicated way to parent, but I have a feeling it will be worth it.

    These are MY thoughts on IVF (donor eggs or not) - they don't know why I have miscarried twice and I think I would seriously just give up on life in general if I spent ALL our money and didn't get pregnant OR got pregnant and lost the baby. For me, adoption means we WILL get a baby at the end. There is no chance of spending $15,000 and then having no baby to show for it, like there is for IVF.

    So, those are my thoughts and how I came to my decision. I still wonder some days if I should do more fertility treatments, I don't think we ever REALLY give up on our bodies:). I will continue to follow and hope you find some peace in a decision for yourself:).


  2. I wish I knew the answer. I kept trying despite my RPL because the RE also felt I had a decent chance at a successful pregnancy, but also because my husband wasn't willing to consider adoption or donor eggs – so really, my options were limited. In the end it worked out, but I realize how very lucky I was and am. I still don't know what I did to deserve my wonderful babies.

    My advice would be to keep trying if you have it in you to do so, because none of us ever knows when a miracle might happen. I would also consider starting the process for a domestic adoption since it can take a bit of time to get everything in order – like the home study and getting your adoption profile together before you can even begin the waiting game. Using a donor seems much more high-risk to me since it is so expensive and there are no guarantees (although I think it's a good option if you have the money).

    I understand the doubt, fear and hopelessness because I was there and I still remember it all too well. I wish this was an easier journey for you.


    – gingercat

  3. Ah yes, I know whereof you speak. The endless grind of RPL takes its toll, no doubt, but each of us walks our own path through the milestones of the grieving process, and only you can decide when enough is enough.

    The hardest part for me has been choosing options when none of them guarantee a child, and all of them cost a lot of money. DH and I are clear on not wanting to go the adoption route, so that leaves donor egg or surrogacy. I did try clomid AND fermara for a few cycles each, but no pregnancy resulted, so who can say if that would have worked, had we tried longer. I have been pregnant and miscarried with IVF, so that is no guarantee either. Probably surrogacy using donor egg will give me the greatest chance at a live birth, but I'm rapidly becoming really sick of the whole effort required to drag myself through this debacle and who can say if I will get that far before I just decide to stop and focus on other parts of my life. The jury is still out. I'm taking it one day at a time. But I know that I feel closer than I have ever been to hanging up the towel, and strangely but happily, I am ok with that.

    I don't know how you decide between the options before you, given the whole thing is a crapshoot, but I guess you have to find the lesser of the evils and go with the choice you can live with easiest. At the end of the day no matter what you choose, the outcome is always going to be out of your hands, and you will never know what the outcome of a different choice would have been. If we can all find a way of living with THAT knowledge, then no matter what happens 'in the end' we will get to find some peace. Right now, I'm looking for peace more than I am looking for a baby, so I'm making my choices coming from that place (with the resources I have). You will be making choices coming from where you are at, with the resources you have.

    And I will be supporting you every step of the way. x