Sunday, May 30, 2010

whole new can of worms

I am more or less acccustomed to having people say rude, insensitive, or just ignorant things about my infertility. I am also used to hearing folks make similar comments about my recurrent pregnancy loss problem. My first live support group meeting here in portland had my cheeks burning and tears welling in my eyes when a woman told me "youre not infertile, you keep getting pregnant". Im slowly telling family and friends that Brian and I are planning to become foster parents, with a thought to adoption and now everything is turned up a notch. It now appears to be open season on discussing my failed attempts at delivering a baby, and to tell me all about how hard foster parenting is. Regaurdless of weather or not they have ever done it. People also like to recite the myriad reasons they would never do it. The thing is, nobody is asking them to. Brian and I want to do this because we think its the right thing for us. We feel its noble and worthwhile and a fine way to spend our time and resources, both emotional and financial. We dont know if it will end in the dream come true, of getting a child we can keep forever but it MIGHT. After everything I have been through these past couple of years MIGHT sounds pretty darn good. Like my friend "panamahat" mentioned the other day, we have to work with the resources that we have. To quote Bob Dylan "Life is sad, life is a bust, all you can do is do what you must you do what you must do and you do it well".

I suppose Brian and I will have to figure out how to navigate this new sensitive territory. Do you ignore these sorts of questions or comments, or do you attempt to educate people? I know that much of it stems from natural curiosity and concern for our well being and happiness.

If it does happen that I am pregnant during the course of these next few medicated cycles, Im almost certain that we will procede with the foster/ adoptive parenting classes. Brian has agreed to stay at his job another two years if need be. Im feeling like there really is more than one way for us to get to parent, and that we might be surprised by what happens in the end, and that feels good. I get so frustrated when I feel like I am running out of options.


  1. I don't know the answer. I think it is whatever makes YOU feel better. So, if sitting there quietly while they say crap is hurting you, then I think you should speak up. That is what I have decided to do for myself. After my miscarriage, I let people say dumb, hurtful things, but I was too weak at the time to stand up for myself. Now, I am at the point where I'm not going to let people say mean crap to me.

    So, I think what matters is what is going to make you feel better. If it is going to make you feel better to tell people how it really is, then do it.

    I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. It's not fair.

  2. I guess I've come to trying to educate people. I dealt with comments about infertility, pregnancy loss and all that. And then we told people we were adopting. Suddenly everyone knows someone whose adoption was a nightmare, the birth parents came and took the child back, the kid was disabled unexpectedly, blah, blah, blah. Last night I told a woman and she said, "aren't you scared?" And then preceded to tell me her friends went through a legal battle and lost and the birth parents got the child back. I told her no, I was not scared and then educated her about the REAL chances of something like that happening.

    I'm sorry that people are so mean, I do know how hard it is. But, you are right - MOST of the time, they are not trying to be mean, they just are ignorant to our journey. I would hope if I said something stupid (and believe me, my foot has been in my mouth many times!), someone would take pity on me and take the education road:).

    Do what you do, girl! If you want to foster and hopefully adopt, GO FOR IT! The world needs more foster parents for sure! And, of course, we all will welcome surprise blessings, no matter how they come to us:). I don't think we ever give up on holding out hope for those!

  3. I think what you're doing is really amazing and you should be proud. I've always wanted to look into being a foster parent but worried that we wouldn't be accepted as we both work and have a very small apartment. I hope when I'm older that we will be able to accept foster children into our home. It is such an important thing to do and can really truly change someone's life. I'm sure many people don't understand why you and your husband would want to give up so much of yourself for someone else, someone you don't even know, but that is their own issue, not yours. I know it's difficult, but you need to remember that not everyone is going to agree with everything you do and you'll have to decide how you want to deal with their opinions. You'll find your voice in time.

    As for the woman who said you weren't infertile because you can get pregnant, feel free to slap the sillies out of her. Seriously - WTF?!?!?!?

  4. @kait , I hope you find the space to foster parent if the future, if you are moved to do so. I bet most social workers would jump at the chance to place kids with a teacher.I feel like its less about them agreeing with the choice and more about running at the mouth. Ive never told anyone else how to build or have a family. I have found my voice as far as the infertility / rpl comments go. I usually just ask people how much they really want to know about it. a woman at work said " had I known all that, I would have never mentioned it". thats a start! I did want to add that I have amazing support from my blogging friends and my immediate familiy. My parents are all very excited.

  5. I've stopped trying to educate people too. Even my closest friends can't seem to retain what I see as basic IVF information, or my plans (collect my eggs, freeze, then do a donor cycle and transfer, and if that doesn't work take the frozen genetic one off to a surrogate)- which are not THAT complicated. And these are people who actually CARE about what is going on with me. LOL.

    Now I just say that I am grateful for their interest and support, but that it wears me out reiterating over an over again how the process works, and seems futile when people don't seem to be able to keep it in their head for next time. So thanks for asking, but I'd rather not go into it (again) and I'll just keep you updated from time to time.

    I know this isn't the same scenario as the one you are currently facing, but I think the logic behind it is similar- if you lose more energy than you gain while trying to pass on information (in whatever form), then it is ok to politely say as much, and bow out of the conversation. You don't have to justify anything to anybody. Yes, it does feel good to be 'right' but if you find that the battle to be 'right' is exhausting you, then maybe it isn't worth it.

    (Except when people say your'e not infertile because you can get pregnant. THAT deserves a punch on the nose. I actually had a go at someone [who should have know much better] for telling me I was REALLY fertile because I had gotten pregnant 3 times in one year. Never mind I spent the first 18 months TTC with no pregnancy, and then proceeded to LOSE those three I had in one year. And the four after that. I almost DID punch her on the nose. She took 2 years to fall pregnant with her first, and another two years with her second. But she never miscarried once. So who is the more fertile?). Needless to say, I don't spend much time in her company.