I knew it

Im not pregnant this cycle. At least Im 97% sure I wasnt pregnant this cycle. Ever since that July/August hell month of bleeding, being sure it was my period, taking clomid, only to bleed again and find out I had been pregnant. lets just say I dont trust my body on a clomid cycle. I said from then on I would demand a beta before starting another round of clomid but my period seems like the real deal. Its heavy, its red. I tested hpt negative several times in the past two days. I really dont mind having a medicated cycle where Im not pregnant and have to try again, I just despise those months that Ive been pregnant but failing, or just a tiny bit pregnant. Then I have to wait months to physically recover before I can try again. An honest negative is fine, but still a tad disappointing.

Good news is that my luteal phase was 12 days, and I give the luteal phase progesterone all the credit.

This past week has been somewhat draining. The 19th marked one year since my d&c for the baby I carried the longest. The 20th would have been the due date for the baby I lost last spring. I worked both days and did fine, didnt cry until Brian hugged me and said he was so sorry for all that. The 20th was also his 31st birthday and we had a short evening out. I havnt had a major crying melt down in a while, but I get little pangs. The usual stuff, kids at resturants, on the bus, visiting at work, and the holidays creeping up on us. I know its cliche but its during Christmas time that I feel the keenest sense missing motherhood.

On to the next cycle of clomid and Im so sick of taking this stuff. From what I understand most people never do this many cycles of it. Because I respond to it so well, Ive been alloted 12 cycles. 5 to go...

quantity or quality ?

I know that many people spend quite a bit of time carefully crafting clever blog posts. Cutting out the filler and just elegantly taking things down to the essence, creating intrigue and mystery, or meticulously detailing everything that's happened to them in the past several weeks.

I'm not that sort of blogger, yet.

I thought I would mention some of this past weeks highlights very quickly, before my husband arrives home from work and notices that I've sat on my butt all day and done virtually nothing.

I saw the psychiatrist. I now have a proper diagnosis, which is generalized anxiety disorder with catastrophic thinking, made worse by "trauma". The trauma has been the last year of my life. I am now on a low dose of zoloft. She wanted to give me benzodiazepines too, but of course we cant do that while I am trying to get pregnant. valium + pregnancy = bad news. I would happily gobble up all the bennies she's willing to dole out, but oddly I'm not all that thrilled about the zoloft. I suppose I feel if I'm going to poison myself, I should at least get a bit of a kick from it. She said the meds are non negotiable. Fair enough. We start behavioral therapy next week.

Brian and I did our duty and performed the marital act enough times that there should have been plenty O sperm at the ready for whenever that fickle egg decided to make her appearance. Fashionably late probably. I don't trust my temperature charts. I am now aprox 5 dpo and cant relate any possible symptoms or indicators, because I am also on prometrium this cycle, in the luteal phase. The RE wanted me to do this. Also means I wont be able to get my 7 dpo progesterone draw to confirm ovulation. The progesterone makes me queasy, tired, sore breasted, grumpy, bloated, and crampy. Much like early pregnancy.

Being in a two week wait always makes me super anxious, and grouchy. I hate it. If I had to bet, I would say that I will not be pregnant this cycle. Never call tell though, I've said it before and been wrong.

I had a dream last night that Brian was 21 weeks pregnant. I wondered how the hell he had managed to get himself pregnant, but I was so happy that we were expecting.

It's not that easy...

Happy 40th , Sesame Street

Follicular phase malaise

I am on cycle day 11 of a medicated cycle, and sick as a dog. Woke up yesterday with a searing sore throat, body ache, and general fatigue. Slept the better part of yesterday, and 11 hours last night. I have pretty much ruled out strep throat, as I just dont think its too common for adults with no tonsils. Swine flu is still a possibility. Waiting to see if I develop a real fever.

Do any of you know if a virus in the follicular phase can prevent ovulation or delay it ? The only other time I was sick at the start of a clomid cycle, I did a wimpy little ovulation.

I only have so many more clomid cycles that I am allowed before they move me onto something else. Something much more expensive no doubt. I want to make the most of the cycles that I do have left but it looks like mother nature is out to get me again.

I finally have a set appointment with the psychiatrist. I can see her and keep seeing her indefinatly, or I can just go in for a med eval and go back to my clinical social worker. I dunno, I guess I will see what I think of her. I like the social worker but Im not sure we are getting much accomplished. I talk and she listens and thats it. Im disappointed to be missing my monthly support group meeting this evening, just too ill to go. Im off to drink a hot toddy and crawl into bed. Already called in sick to work tomorrow.

A little holiday

My husband and I are going to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary this evening, in some amount of style. We got married in a big rush as he was in the country on a tourists visa. My dad would have thrown us a bigger wedding but he wanted to do it outdoors during the summer months on his property. In the end, we just went to the courthouse at 8 am on a tuesday and got hitched. There was a small party with a few of my friends and my immediate family. His family stayed in England, even though they really wanted to come over. We didn't want them there for what was pretty much a non event, compared to the average modern wedding. In the years that have followed, we have tried to make a big deal of our anniversary to make up for the lack of pomp on the actual day. This year we meant to go out of town, at least as far as Seattle or Vancouver, but perhaps to mexico for a week. With my new job, I cant get away for more than a day and a half, as I have a mandatory meeting on my day off this week !

I have booked us a room for tonight at the hotel Monaco here in Portland, and we will have dinner out. http://www.monaco-portland.com/

I've been running myself ragged at work with new management and tons of organizational stuff to be done. Its going to be so nice to have 24 hours just to relax with my husband.

I have started a clomid cycle. Today will be day two of taking the tablets. Already getting hot flashes, will of course keep you all posted.

Caution be damned

My therapist would like for me to wait to try to conceive. She said "lets get you through the holidays". I feel that the best way to get through the holidays would be to do something something productive, reproductively speaking. My OB thinks we can try again whenever we please. She is happy that I'm doing the counseling and going to the support group. My chinese medicine doc wants me to hold off for another two months at least. I suppose it would be best to reach my ideal BMI, get my chi aligned and my emotions sorted out neatly, but I say phooey. I don't have enough faith in the chinese medicine to hit the snooze button on my biological clock. Because I have some sort of ovulatory dysfunction in addition to my little habitual abortion problem, I feel pressed for time. I will be 34 in March. I know that most women still have a handful of good breedin' years ahead of them by 34 but I am not one of those women. My best years are certainly behind me for baby making, if I ever had them. Im not ovulating on my own, and Im not going to count on becoming pregnant on clomid, as quickly as I have in the past. I have to be prepared for things to take a while, or to be moved on to injectibles and IUI. This has already taken a while. I've lost count of how many cycles I have actually timed intercourse but I do know that I recently found receipts for HPT's dating back to late 2005. Each time I become pregnant and miscarry, I feel as if I just got sent back to the start line of a long foot race. Then there is all the negotiation with the doctors, my husband, our schedules, finances, sex life, fertility meds. I want something I can keep so I don't have to keep starting fresh each time. Weather that be a baby I will give birth to, or a baby I will adopt, I want it soon. My life has been on hold for too long. Its not easy to make career plans or serious work commitments when a pregnancy is looming on the horizon. If I miscarry again we will move right into adoption proceedings. The main reasons for not initiating adoption now are financial ones. Its far less expensive to try for a "free" baby.

All this to say that I'm determined to have another go. phoning the doctor this afternoon to be sure my clomid prescription is ready to go for this next cycle. Im also getting my cd 3 blood work redone, as the last time they took it I was pregnant. Of course we didnt know at the time, but the RE said even though I was miscarrying, the low FSH number probably wasn't correct. I can still avail myself to the chinese medicine. I can still get therapy, but I dont think I can wait much longer.

Remembrance day

Im sure most anyone who reads this blog will know, that October the 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day.

Im holding a small private candle lighting ceremony this evening to honor the memory of our collective lost little ones. Too many.