OB

My newer OB says that the life time limit on clomid is obsolete. I may have as much as I need. She said that she would prefer that I speak with her fertility nurse before we move forward, but that is really only to discuss treatment options and costs. Our HMO only does some diagnostic stuff and clomid with IUI before sending you on to an RE (and then they pay nothing) so I already know what our options are, and I already have a diagnosis of sorts. That is if you think luteal phase defect is a genuine fertility problem. That is up for debate in the medical community. Whatever the cause, I do not seem to ovulate correctly without ovarian stimulation.

We won't be doing IUI. at least not right away. I am not at all sure that it does much to increase our chances on a medicated cycle as they do not do monitored IUI's. The only monitoring they do is mid luteal phase progesterone testing.

I am having flash backs to the summer of 2008 which is when we did the first medicated cycle.

I need to lose at least 15 lbs before I become pregnant again. This shouldn't be a problem. I lose weight fairly quickly when I apply myself and we all know that it is unlikely that I will become pregnant right away.

I am not sure I even have words to express how weird this feels. To contemplate another potentially risky pregnancy. I should have more to say about that in the next few months.  Some things I plan to discuss with my OB at our upcoming preconception appointment.

1. How likely is it that I will have another bleeding SCH? 
2. Am I a candidate for a Vbac?
3. Does having 1 live birth under my belt increase my chances of carrying to term with a future pregnancy?

Resurrection

I tried mama blogging. It's not for me. I don't have an awful lot to say about being Titus' mother. It is what I expected it to be minus something that I am having a really hard time putting to words. I feel a lost sense of entitlement to it. Biological motherhood has become surreal to me. A fluke. A bit like a potentially ground breaking laboratory accident that could never be reproduced.

I want another child.

I have another child, a foster son who is 5 years old. I had yet another child, a foster daughter that I picked up at the hospital on May 1st and who left just 5 days ago. For a couple of weeks I thought she might have been the solution to the how will we complete our family question.

I want another child and believe it or not, the old fashioned way might be the easiest way to accomplish it.  Brian and I do not have the luxury of waiting the customary 2 or 3 years to try again. My OB says now is best. Brian is disinclined to explore any advanced fertility treatments. Our donor embryos have been given back to the clinic in Nevada. Private adoption is not on the menu. Adoption through foster care remains a possibility but that route is so difficult. The state of Oregon has made it nearly impossible.  So short of a few more rounds of clomid or femara and traditional Chinese medicine, we are on our own. ART is still out of the question due to expense and my propensity to miscarry most any embryo.

We know that I can do it. We also know that my body is not that keen on being pregnant. Knowing that it was possible bolsters my confidence. A miscarriage at this point would be sad, but not unbearably so.

Here we go again! I have to lose some weight before we start trying. At least 15lbs. I can start my chinese herbs and accupuncture now. I wanted to use this space to journal this new venture. I will still post the occasional kid update on the other blog but will do my best to reserve this space for TTC topics.

I also wanted to try to stir up some more dialog for my friend Panama Hat who is busy writing a book about infertility. You should pay her a visit and leave a comment.

http://titussebastian.blogspot.com/

I have finally up and moved. I wanted a fancier blog but just havnt had the time / energy to put one together. So this is a rough draft. I might still get Brian on board for some guest posting.

Lord, I hate the term "mommy blog" but cant think of anything better. Thats what it will most likely be. I have felt a need to end things here. I am no longer broken hearted and infertile. My days of pregnancy loss might not yet be behind me but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. No longer getting pissed on by the dark cloud of post partum depression. Things are looking up. Now I have to figure out what the hell to do with the rest of my life. Including but not limited to being the best mother possible to this little creature that I wanted so badly for so long. 

Thank you friends, for your support. It has meant so much to me the past few years.

I am still here. Not yet set up elsewhere as far as blogging goes. Today we had our 6 month safety inspection for foster care. Our certifier just did a quick walk through. She saw a book about post partum depression and seemed slightly alarmed. I had to promise her that I am really doing a lot better. I really am. Not 100% though. Im not as functional as I would like to be. I am behind in correspondence. I dont check my phone messages quite as often as I should. Or open my mail before its been sitting around for a week or two. Mail and messages make me anxious. I have been much more social lately. On Sunday I had lunch with an old friend. This was Titus' first visit outside our home or a restaurant. Today I went to see my ex boyfriend and 6 day old baby. This is the man that I lived with for quite a few years in my early 20's. The guy that I was with during my first two botched pregnancies. He knew I struggled to get Titus. He didnt tell me that his wife was pregnant until just days before I gave birth. I think he didnt want to say anything until he was pretty sure that I was going to have a baby of my own. He was very upset both times I ended up pregnant way back then, and swore that he didnt want to be a parent and never would. He was only 28 then. He is now 42 and I understand that things change. I cant really explain why, but seeing him with his wife (I hadnt met her before) and new child did something to make me feel better about those pregnancies. It was healing. His wife is just beautiful and they seem so happy. I suppose it feels like things worked out for the best for everyone concerned. I took Titus' newborn sized clothing to them and they gave me fresh eggs from their chickens and some formula samples.


We have been put on the list to take emergency foster placements. For example, if they take a child into care in the middle of the night or on a weekend.  They do understand that we are leaving for England in April so the placement really couldn't be for more than a few weeks. More likely just a few days or a week. When we return we will be open for a longer term placement. Ive been doing some deep cleaning and getting the spare room around.  Preparing for another foster child feels like getting ready to go back to work. I consider this my work, and I look forward to it. Titus and I could use another little friend to keep us company. The certifier has suggested that I join the foster parent advisory group and get my name on the mentor list. I am not sure that I have much wisdom to impart but I felt flattered. I suppose I have some insight for those just starting out.

Still dealing with rats in the dirt basement. Exterminator coming out often. He thinks they are attracted to all the urban chickens in our neighborhood.They like chicken feed. Thank goodness no rodents in the house. We have some things stored down there, including all of my non maternity clothes. I wont go down there and Im afraid that the rats might have somehow gotten into the bins my clothes are stored in. Luckily I dont have much money invested in my wardrobe. In the meantime Im still wearing maternity dresses and tights! You cant really tell.

I saw the girls on Saturday. So sweet in their ballet outfits. I will be watching the eldest one during the day over spring break. The other two will be in daycare.

We are now planning a stop over in Amsterdam rather than Iceland. Easier to fly Portland to Amsterdam then directly to Norwich. This allows us to skip both Seattle and London, saving $$$ in the process. It was a very mild winter in the Pacific northwest. There are already some spring flowers in our garden. The hope is to greatly expand our vegetable garden this year and add a few fruit trees. I couldnt do much garden tending last year because of the pregnancy. Hoping to make up for it this year. Seeing as how we are stuck in this house forever (upside down in mortgage) I might as well make it pretty. Our house is small but our yard is a nice size for a city lot.

I had been stressing over money but that seems to have resolved. We are getting a fat tax return. More than we actually paid. Im not sure how that works, but I will take it this year. This will be the only time we will ever have 4 dependents to claim. Yeehaw!

Normalizing

Life is returning to normal. Titus is sort of sleeping through the night. As much as a 9lb 2 month old can. He goes down at 11:30  and sleeps until 5am quick feed and back to sleep until 8. So I am sleeping too. The anxiety is mostly gone. 

Lets see, since my last post I finally saw the OB for a post partum checkup. She said everything looks good. We discussed birth control, which just seems silly. She assured me that she has seen lots of less than fertile women become pregnant quickly after giving birth. I dont even want to think about that. Besides, to become pregnant you need to have sex. That has not taken place for 10 months or more. Hopefully that will normalize in the next month or two as well.

Titus had his 2 month appointment. He is itty bitty. Just 8 lbs 10 oz at 9 weeks. and 21 inches. This puts him below the 2nd percentile. He is taking 4oz of formula every 3 hours except during his longer night stretch. He wiggles a lot when he is awake. The boy must just have a very fast metabolism as he eats as much as some babies nearly twice his weight.

He grins and coos a lot now, and wants to be entertained. He has mobiles and chimes. He likes to look at mirrors and stuffed animals. I read, talk, and sing to him all day long. The weather has been miserable and Im looking forward to spring so we can get out a bit more. I would like to take him to the baby story hour at the library but I worry about virus germs this time of year. I wonder if his poor little immune system will be crap because I cant breastfeed.

Brian and I plan to have another foster child in our home when we return from England & Iceland this spring. This trip had been planned for November of 2011 but that obviously didnt work out. Brian's Nanna has paid for our tickets. The trip ought be booked pretty soon. Working on getting Titus his passports. British and US. International travel with a baby of 5 months should be interesting.

I have been spending time on the phone bonding with the foster girl's  adoptive mom. I think I figured out a way to get to see them whenever I like. I offered to trade next weekend. Titus for the girls for a few hours. She was thrilled. Brian and I will take the ladies to ballet and then we will all have lunch together at their house.

he found his fist

bit by bit

It's getting better. Zoloft seems to be kicking in. Ativan took the edge off so I can sleep. Sleep enables me to be rational when I'm awake. Titus is sweet and snoozy.  Ive had a few girlfriends over to spoil me. Bring me lunch or baked goods. The darkness this time of year gets to me even when I'm not having a mental health crisis.  On the whole, much better now.

The foster girls came over for a gift exchange and some holiday fun Sunday evening. They met the baby for the first time. The girls are growing so fast. It was just over a year ago that they came to stay with us.

I am paranoid about Titus getting a cold or the flu so I keep him in unless I have to take him to the doctor. We have ventured out when its not raining for a few spins around the neighborhood. I splashed out a bit of cash for his Britax stroller/ car seat combo but it was so worth it. light weight.. even I can put the stroller in the car without much hassle. Hes been up to the children's hospital for a final consult with the pediatric cardiologist. Actually a different one than I saw while he was in utero. They did yet another echo cardiogram ( did 2 while he was in the NICU) and she said his heart looks great. She will not need to see him again until he is 3 years of age. That said, he still has to have a surgery! On his penis.. poor little guy. He has a birth defect of the penis called hypospadias. Basically his pee hole is in the wrong spot, and the penis bends in an odd manner. So in the interest of not making him sit when he pees and of him being able to have normal sexual function as an adult, the doc will need to do a repair. I don't know 100% whats involved but we have another consult when he is 4 months old and will learn more then. The surgery is to be done anytime after 6 months of age.

Still no news from Genetics.

Presently waiting for my mother to arrive so I may get a shower and fix dinner and she can have some baby snuggle time.