hcg

My HCG beta blood draw results are in. 81 at aprox 12 - 13 days past ovulation.  I took a final home pregnancy test today and the line was much darker than yesterday when I had the blood work done. Leading me to believe that the hormone level is doubling up as it should. This is the first time that I have had normal betas at this point in a pregnancy.

I see the midwife the first week of January. Looks like they will alternate visits between the midwife and OB. Lets see if I can wait that long for a live baby check. I might freak out and need an ultrasound between 6 & 7 weeks. I do not wish to waste medical resources but on the other hand, with my history, I doubt they would deny me a quick peek.

It happened fast

I am pregnant. Very very early days. If you know me in real life not a word, not a word. We wouldn't tell until after I got out of the first trimester. That is still a big if with my history. 

Brian and I just have to hold on tight and hope for the best. It's hard not to work out a due date. Mid August I suppose. 

I already feel like shit. That has to be a good sign? I tested positive early. About 9 dpo yesterday. I always tested positive late and had low starting betas when I miscarried. Beta hell begins on Monday. My OB wants them. 

mid cycle

My 8.5 months of pregnancy and the last year seem to have gone by in a flash. Here we are again. Sex when you don't really want it. Hormonal fluctuations. Planning and peeing on things.  I think I ovulated yesterday, maybe it's today. Let the wait commence! No hot flashes or other clomephine side effects this cycle with the exception of a foul mood. My plan is to get Brian on board for an IUI w/ injects cycle this late spring, if need be. It's dreadfully expensive. I would switch RE's. Not that thrilled with the care that I got at Oregon reproductive medicine. Will check out Oregon health science university. the only other real choice for fertility clinics.  At first I had let Brian convince me that we would simply stop after a year of timed intercourse with clomid. Then I got to thinking about the amount of emotional stamina a full year of TTC would take.  

cd 3

Clomid.  I feel like I should have some idea of my expectations and how long we are willing to try. I have no idea. It all feels new again. The stakes are not as high.  I'm not going to lie and say that I already have one child, and it is fine if we don't have another. It wouldn't be fine, but at this point I know that the sibling has a decent chance of being an adopted one. I am attending a conference for people involved in child welfare tomorrow. Our foster/ adopt certifier will be there too and we plan to have lunch and discuss straight up adoption vs. foster to adopt. It will happen one way or the other. I don't expect either way will be easy.

We celebrated Titus' first birthday on the 4th. A big party at a rented venue with over 40 guests. It was fun. We wanted that big day for us as much as him. We certainly had something to celebrate.  I can't help but feel that all children who arrive after a long struggle are just a smidge more special. 

Not much to mention

There isn't much happening in the way of trying to conceive. I am down 5 lbs. 10 more to go. Slower than I had anticipated but I have yet to put a huge amount of effort into it. To be honest I have been feeling run down. Maybe is lingering PPD .  I don't feel all that social and I don't want to go anywhere. Except FAR away. I have a dream that I will one day move my family to the pacific coast of mexico. Not get off the grid, just slow waaaay down. The Portland metropolitan area has something like 2.5 million people but it does not feel like a big city. Maybe a big town, still the pace is faster and more hectic than I would prefer. I would love to be in the country. I feel sluggish and generally malcontent. I need to find more productive things to do. Just caring for Titus & 5 year old M often feels like a Herculean task. This sounds like a depressed person. Maybe I am.

The plan is to do a juice fast to kick start things and get rid of this slug/fog feeling.  Exercise is  the key. I have been looking for people to trade child care with so that I can get to the pool and gym.  I have felt like a tube of toothpaste all squeezed out. This is likely in no small part due to the fact that I over extend myself in the caregiving department. 8 foster children in 2 years time. A weird pregnancy and C section delivery. I need time to recharge. Particularly if I want to make a final attempt at producing life.     I can not afford weekly TCM at the moment but it probably wouldn't hurt to get back on the herbs and do what treatments I can.

As far as foster care goes it looks like little M will be moving in with his Dad on the 1st of November. Touch wood. I won't get into the entire story but the Dad has been a real pain in the ass lately. Harassing us on the phone and just not playing very nice. Everyone thinks he might be trying to self sabotage in the 11th hour. M is sweet and gentle. Lots of energy. He started full time kindergarten last week. I have been communicating everything I know to his special Ed teachers. He has an IEP and I am hopeful that he will begin to catch up. Still waiting for a referral for a complete developmental assessment. The hope is that we will have that well under way before he moves in with his father. Dad is 100% in denial about any delays or issues.

Titus is well and just lovely. Nearly walking. We are planning his 1st birthday bash. I almost just called it a blow out. Ha. That might happen too. I STILL can't believe that I have a child and he is nearing the end of his first year. 

OB

My newer OB says that the life time limit on clomid is obsolete. I may have as much as I need. She said that she would prefer that I speak with her fertility nurse before we move forward, but that is really only to discuss treatment options and costs. Our HMO only does some diagnostic stuff and clomid with IUI before sending you on to an RE (and then they pay nothing) so I already know what our options are, and I already have a diagnosis of sorts. That is if you think luteal phase defect is a genuine fertility problem. That is up for debate in the medical community. Whatever the cause, I do not seem to ovulate correctly without ovarian stimulation.

We won't be doing IUI. at least not right away. I am not at all sure that it does much to increase our chances on a medicated cycle as they do not do monitored IUI's. The only monitoring they do is mid luteal phase progesterone testing.

I am having flash backs to the summer of 2008 which is when we did the first medicated cycle.

I need to lose at least 15 lbs before I become pregnant again. This shouldn't be a problem. I lose weight fairly quickly when I apply myself and we all know that it is unlikely that I will become pregnant right away.

I am not sure I even have words to express how weird this feels. To contemplate another potentially risky pregnancy. I should have more to say about that in the next few months.  Some things I plan to discuss with my OB at our upcoming preconception appointment.

1. How likely is it that I will have another bleeding SCH? 
2. Am I a candidate for a Vbac?
3. Does having 1 live birth under my belt increase my chances of carrying to term with a future pregnancy?

Resurrection

I tried mama blogging. It's not for me. I don't have an awful lot to say about being Titus' mother. It is what I expected it to be minus something that I am having a really hard time putting to words. I feel a lost sense of entitlement to it. Biological motherhood has become surreal to me. A fluke. A bit like a potentially ground breaking laboratory accident that could never be reproduced.

I want another child.

I have another child, a foster son who is 5 years old. I had yet another child, a foster daughter that I picked up at the hospital on May 1st and who left just 5 days ago. For a couple of weeks I thought she might have been the solution to the how will we complete our family question.

I want another child and believe it or not, the old fashioned way might be the easiest way to accomplish it.  Brian and I do not have the luxury of waiting the customary 2 or 3 years to try again. My OB says now is best. Brian is disinclined to explore any advanced fertility treatments. Our donor embryos have been given back to the clinic in Nevada. Private adoption is not on the menu. Adoption through foster care remains a possibility but that route is so difficult. The state of Oregon has made it nearly impossible.  So short of a few more rounds of clomid or femara and traditional Chinese medicine, we are on our own. ART is still out of the question due to expense and my propensity to miscarry most any embryo.

We know that I can do it. We also know that my body is not that keen on being pregnant. Knowing that it was possible bolsters my confidence. A miscarriage at this point would be sad, but not unbearably so.

Here we go again! I have to lose some weight before we start trying. At least 15lbs. I can start my chinese herbs and accupuncture now. I wanted to use this space to journal this new venture. I will still post the occasional kid update on the other blog but will do my best to reserve this space for TTC topics.

I also wanted to try to stir up some more dialog for my friend Panama Hat who is busy writing a book about infertility. You should pay her a visit and leave a comment.