I think I forgot to mention that my last and final batch of blood work came back all normal. Again. So now there really will be no more testing and as far as I know, they I will never have a reason for a total of 4 confirmed miscarriages. I will never know if the pregnancy that I aborted would have gone to term, but it didnt look great. I was bleeding and had an unexplained uterine infection. There also won't be any lovenox(blood thinners). My RE's nurse had gotten me all psyched up for a possible inject cycle. The RE still says that his first choice for me is IVF with PGD, second choice IVF with donor eggs. After I again told him no way, he says there is no need for injects since I respond well to oral meds and we will go ahead and try letrezole (femara) and IUI. The thing is, I dont want to! I am so freaking tired of trying to get pregnant. So awful sick of being disappointed. I think my heart and brain have just given up on the possibility that a potential pregnancy is going to lead to a live birth. Pregnancy has for me become a sort of self flagellation. Between my therapist and my doctors, I feel like at this point, I cant even buy any hope. I have been trying to do little things to coax that hopeful feeling back into the light. The supplimental insurance for pregnancy, the maternity dress, but I am still coming up short. What would make me feel most productive would be to persue a domestic adoption, and with Brian going to grad school and moving state next year, that is not an option. Cant buy hope and cant buy a (30 thousand dollar) baby.

Brian is unwilling to give up. He even called me a wimp for wanting to delay this next treatment cycle.I told him that we have already been through more than most people would subject themselves to. We have reached a compromise, I will fill a final clomid prescription that I have had waiting for me and take that when I get my period in two weeks. We will go to mexico for ten days in the early part of May (booked trip already) so I can feel like an adult and just take a load off. If Im not pregnant, we will go ahead with the IUI cycle may/june cycle. I have to keep reminding myself that Brian has a lot of emotional investment in having our biological children, and that he does get some say. We will keep navigating this slippery slope together, and If Ive lost my capacity to hope for a while, I know that he hasnt.

the haves and have nots

I have mixed feelings about the online and real life support/ buddy groups that I have been participating in. I have bonded with lovely and intelligent women that I would never have met in the during the course of my every day life. We have shared joys and many disappointments, I have learned a great deal about infertility and pregnancy loss that would have been hard, if not impossible to come by without reading the accounts of these women's experiences and benefiting from their research. At the same time, I keep thinking how easily we forget. Women who used to lament about long cycles , fertility testing, and chemical pregnancies, are now gushing about cloth diapers and complaining bitterly about lack of sleep. If I hear or see one more former infertile going on about how having a baby "changes everything" I might be forced to gauge out my eyes and ears with a bloody pitchfork. Dont they remember how NOT being able to have a baby changed everything ? For your average woman who happily spends 5 years with her husband before getting pregnant and delivering, I can see how having a baby changes everything, disrupts your saturday morning sleep ins and late nights with friends. Cramps your style as far as shopping and spending goes.. personally I have not been enjoying this time of not having children. its been painful, and wretched. Heartbreaking and wallet draining. I would be pretty cussing glad to have everything changed by a healthy baby, but I dont know if I could forget these past few years.

Perhaps we should divide ourselves into those that have come out the other end of the infertility void, and those that have not. Or maybe I just need to avoid this sort of thing for a while.

Im also having mixed feelings about therapy. Now that my anxiety is mostly being controlled by the zoloft, I want to focus on my painful feelings surrounding my miscarriages, which I feel are totally normal and valid, that there is nothing pathological about these feelings of anger, jealousy,inadequacy, and isolation. However, they are no less worthy of treatment. During our last session I mentioned that I feel that women who have easily had children, or are pregnant with no reason to suspect that anything bad could happen, must hear my story and think "Im sure glad Im not THAT sad sack of shit". A woman who cant even manage to fufill her biological imperative. The psychiatrist looked shocked that I said that, told me I was projecting, and went on to ask about my anxiety. I cant help but feel that she just dosent get it, and Im not totally sure who would. My ideal therapist would be a reproductive endocrinologist/ psychiatrist who has run a recurrent loss clinic and has personally suffered at least 6 pregnancy losses, and infertility. Because I feel that unless a person has experienced what I have, how COULD they possibly understand ? And this is what frustrates me so much about these women in my support groups who have "graduated". Because they have understood and they should understand, but they seem to go through some sort of baby induced amnesia. I have been seeking the company of people in the same situation, but more often than not these people go on to have children, and the bond isnt broken but it changes.

More waiting

Everyone who is infertile and trying to get pregnant / carry to term knows that you are always waiting for something. Right now we are waiting for the results of the final blood clotting stuff I had drawn a week or two ago. This makes it too late to start my IUI/ inject cycle this coming cycle. Another forced break cycle ahead. We didnt even try this month... Brian asked me why and I told him that in 7 years together, I have never been pregnant without taking clomid. He really cant seem to wrap his mind around the fact that I get positive ovulation tests and still dont ovulate in a manner thats condusive to getting pregnant.

I am busy interviewing real estate agents and figuring what I need to do by the way of sprucing up the house. there are a few minor repairs and some landscaping that need doing. Im sort of at a loss, because I have never sold a house before. I plan to rent a storage unit and make sure we have as little clutter in the house as possible. I might even hire a maid to come in a couple of times per month, as I simply dont have much time to keep a house clean enough to be ready to show at a moments notice, not without some help. The real estate agent that I have spoken with, seems to think we can sell the house for about what we paid for it. Fingers crossed. If it sells quickly, it will free up a ton of money for savings. We can can rent a small apartment for a third of our monthly mortgage payment. I have been keeping one of the spare rooms in this house, free for a nursery. Im most likely never going to set up that nursery and it feels strange.

I have been making room in my mind for the possibility that I will get a take home baby one day. In doing so Ive been making other sorts of provisions, besides that nursery. I got supplimental insurance that will pay out when I give birth, and if I have pregnancy complications that keep me out of work. I got a maternity summer dress just because it was cute and on sale.

So theres really not much to tell. Just waiting, getting all my ducks in a row for my coming cycles with the RE.

better

This week finds me in a more relaxed state of mind. I really do want to support Brian in his career goals. Its not entirely true that I dont have any of my own, I would just prefer to be a stay at home mum, in a perfect world. I have been putting off taking the oregon board of massage practical exam. Its a 2 hour oral exam with 3 examiners. The thought of it actually causes panic, but I have been discovering that in nearly every other state in the Union, they dont have these strict laws and tough exams for massage therapists. The national written exam that I already sat for and passed with flying colors is perfectly good. So this is a way to work less and earn more, and Im thankful for that.

Im still mentally gearing up for my upcoming IUI cycles. Still need to speak to Dr. B to see if he will allow the femara/ low dose inject protocol. I have a pretty good feeling about it.

I went to bed at 11 last night and slept til 11 this morning. Sort of wonder if Im fighting off a virus. Work is physically taxing and I probably just needed to rest up. Trying to think if there is anything else that is noteworthy.. one of my best girlfriends has moved back to portland from san fran. Im so happy shes here and she may end up living with us for a couple of months while she gets on her feet. Im still losing weight, slowly. Purchased a new pair of jeans a couple of days ago. Size 6 ! with room to wiggle. This probably seems quite small to a lot of women but you have to know that I am only 5'2 with a teeny tiny frame. I still have a lot of body fat and a big apple shaped gut. I can easily lose 15 more lbs and still be round and curvy.

my lunch is almost ready. I made potato leek soup with the veg from the box its so good.

Gobsmacked

My husband shocked me a week or two ago, by telling me that he deeply desires to go back to college and do a phd or a psyD in clinical psychology. I am proud of his ambition and hate the fact that hes been unhappy at his job here in Portland, but this changes everything. We will have to sell our fancy little house. At a loss. We will have to pack up everything and pretty much wont know where we are going til the last second. I will have to work full time to support us during the 5 years that one of these programs will take, and we will come out of it at least 150 thousand dollars in debt.. just loans to cover tuition. No shit. I moved a lot when I was a kid, and even more as an adult. I just got comfortable in this house, and its physically unsettling to me to think about leaving. Ive made it very very plain to Brian, that this does not mean Im giving up on MY big dream, of having a family. I dont have any career ambitions to speak of or desire to fill any sort of artistic void. All I really care about is being a wife to Brian, and a mother to children. Best case situation, is that I manage to get pregnant in the next year or so and carry to term. Worst case is that I never do, and we cant afford to adopt 6 years from now, when saddled with those crushing student loans. Its all a hell of a lot to think about. The work it will take to put the house on the market. Saving money, no holidays, work work work. Blat.

My OB has given me 3 final rounds of Clomid, to reach my 12 cycle lifetime maximum. Shes also put in another referal to the RE. Brian has agreed to 3 cycles of Femara and IUI (plus low does injects?) with the RE, if needed. So Ive got 6 fair chances and becoming pregnant in the near future. OB has ordered a baseline ultrasound next cycle, and some mystery blood work that she wants.. have to ask her what thats all about. Im on a break from now until march, and it feels sort of good. Im burnt out on TTC in a way thats impossible to describe.

i know this post is all over the place and Ive a lot of housework to do so Im going to wrap it up.

Not all that Merry and Bright

Christmas sucked, but not quite as bad as it sucked last year. I got more than a dozen christmas card photos of fat, happy, babies & toddlers. Individually I love them all and the parents that they belong to. As a collective group of toothy grins and red velvet, its pretty damn depressing. All the christmas stuff is coming down in the next few days.

I have recently completed yet another clomid cycle. My period started on December 21st, and I have now finished taking the tablets for this month. Ocassional hot flash, but nothing to write home about. Same old same old. I have been putting a lot of thought into what is going to happen if I dont become pregnant (and carry to term) with these next couple clomid cycles. I phoned the RE and hes talking injects. The inject/ IUI cycles cost between 3 and 4 thousand dollars per cycle. We would be spending money we dont really have, if we had to do more than one. There is also a chance of doing some Femara/ IUI cycles at a cost of about $600 per month. Because I have responded so well to ovarian stimulation, that might the thing to try first. My OB wont prescribe Femara, so the RE would have to monitor the cycle, thus the extra cost. Ive been getting away with clomid cycles for about 150 dollars a month, all told. I have also been giving much thought to adoption, but the truth is the most economical way to build our family is to continue to try for a biological child. With Idiopathic recurrent pregnancy loss, the eventual sucess rates are pretty high. I have that little carrot, and Im going to keep chasing after it for a while.

It's our busy time of year at work and Ive worn myself out with parties and events, I have the next few days off to relax. Zolft seems to be mostly doing its job, but Im sort of losing the highs along with the lows, general feelings of BLAH. Im wondering if resuming my meditation practice or attending some yoga classes would help with my energy levels.

Brian got me a teach yourself spanish CD and book set for christmas, and I intend to have a really good bash at it. Lots of native Spanish speakers at work and would be nice to have an additional communication tool. We also got a couple of books about raising chickens, we are putting a chicken coop in the garden, this spring.

well my friends, I think that it for now. I will update with anything exciting as far as this clomid cycle goes.

I knew it

Im not pregnant this cycle. At least Im 97% sure I wasnt pregnant this cycle. Ever since that July/August hell month of bleeding, being sure it was my period, taking clomid, only to bleed again and find out I had been pregnant. lets just say I dont trust my body on a clomid cycle. I said from then on I would demand a beta before starting another round of clomid but my period seems like the real deal. Its heavy, its red. I tested hpt negative several times in the past two days. I really dont mind having a medicated cycle where Im not pregnant and have to try again, I just despise those months that Ive been pregnant but failing, or just a tiny bit pregnant. Then I have to wait months to physically recover before I can try again. An honest negative is fine, but still a tad disappointing.

Good news is that my luteal phase was 12 days, and I give the luteal phase progesterone all the credit.

This past week has been somewhat draining. The 19th marked one year since my d&c for the baby I carried the longest. The 20th would have been the due date for the baby I lost last spring. I worked both days and did fine, didnt cry until Brian hugged me and said he was so sorry for all that. The 20th was also his 31st birthday and we had a short evening out. I havnt had a major crying melt down in a while, but I get little pangs. The usual stuff, kids at resturants, on the bus, visiting at work, and the holidays creeping up on us. I know its cliche but its during Christmas time that I feel the keenest sense missing motherhood.

On to the next cycle of clomid and Im so sick of taking this stuff. From what I understand most people never do this many cycles of it. Because I respond to it so well, Ive been alloted 12 cycles. 5 to go...