x ray

I am going in for a chest xray today. I dont know when yet, the advice nurse is asking my PCP what he wants to do exactly. I was up all night hacking and wheezing, had to try and sleep sitting up on the couch again. The predinsone should be helping with the asthma/ inflamation but the infection (whatever it is) keeps having its way with me and starting the cycle all over again. Im hoping antibiotics will be a quick fix and I can get off the 'roids, which make my heart beat too fast and cause me to feel really gross.

I gave notice at work the other day, did I mention that? 5 weeks til I am a housewife. Who knows how many weeks til I am a foster mother. The thought of the pitter patter of little feet warms my heart and brian is already sentimental about it. he got some fantastic Where the Wild things Are wall stickers the other day, to decorate a kids room. Im still not sure how to prepare for kids when we have no idea what age they will be. My stepmother (the child welfare worker) told me that I should get a crib that converts to a toddler bed, a pack and play, and a twin bed which should cover most situations that could arise. Because Brian is willing to adopt a preschool aged child, its pretty likely that we will end up adopting through the state at some point. Its just more likely that a 3 or 4 year old will be available, but we are not ruling out an infant or sibling group. This is all exciting, and has made me consider that I need to really start doing some work to not only prepare our home for these children, but myself. I dont want to be frustrated and grieving when we accept kids, I want to be open and strong.

I should know better

I took an hpt today, at aprox 9 days past ovulation. I really should know better. The test was negative and now I feel like I want to puke. I actually cried. Ive been fooling myself to think I dont have a serious emotional attachment to these medicated cycles. I hate my body for being so sick this past month, and just not doing what its supposed to. Ever. If I wasnt STILL trying to get pregnant I would take a valium right about now.

My cousin who is 7 months pregnant wrote me an email today saying that she knows Im trying to become a foster parent. Who the hell told her that? My mother no doubt. I never told my mom not to tell, but the information seems so delicate to me. If this all falls through its just one more thing for people like my super fertile cousin whos been pregnant "every time she forgot to use birth control" to feel sorry for me about. I dont really want people to feel sorry for me. Contrary to how it might seem after reading my blog for a while, I dont really want everyone and their mother to know how fucking painful things have been for me, and what we are doing to try to become a family. Since everyone also seems to have strong opinions about foster care, having everyone know also puts me in a vulnerable position, I just dont care to explain myself to ANYONE. The first person who asks me if I want my "own" kids is going to get a big kick in the teeth. As is the next person who tells me that people always get pregnant after they adopt. Where to people GET that sort of bullshit? do you tell urban legends to people with chronic illness, in the hopes of lifting their spirits? why on earth do people pull that crap with infertile women? My coworker told me he saw it all the time when he worked in OB. I gave him a look and he shut it, but still. I did mention to him that it does not matter a single bit if I somehow magically get pregnant after I foster or adopt because I miscarry all my babies. Anyhow, these are the comments Ive been hoping to avoid. Now that my cousin has this new bit of information, it wont be long before the rest of my huge family does too. I cant stand to think of anyone discussing it, or opining in any way.

I want to move about 3 thousand miles away to be alone with Brian and try to make some peace with my broken body. I should know better than to work myself into these sort of states. It all starts with thinking I could be pregnant, still thinking almost every day about when it will be time to say enough is enough. I want lots of options but it gets overwhelming. all the possible things that could happen, everything that might not happen. its exhausting.

worse

My lungs havnt improved, in fact they got worse as I started tapering off the steroids. they only gave me a 6 day taper to start. Yesterday I was back at the doctor, the asthma has reached the point where its scaring me and freaking the doc out a bit too. They gave me breathing treatments and a much longer course of the prednisone, at a way higher dose with the hope that will get things under control. If Im not better tomorrow, I will probably have to check myself into the hospital. How the hell did this happen? Ive had some mild asthma as an adult but never like this. Im considering going on an anti inflamatory diet after all this. it helped with a tendinitis flare up a few years ago. I feel like such a decrepit old lady. Im not thinking at all about being pregnant this cycle. I did take clomid, and have intercourse but with as sick as Ive been, its hard to imagine. Plus I ovulated late, and I never get pregnant when I ovulate late. ARG. Ive lost any reasonable expectation that the clomid is going to help me get pregnant. I know it still could, and did in the past its just not computing in my brain. My brain says "this hasnt worked the last 5 times, why should it this time". My OB sent an email today saying that shes hopefull for me, and to call her if I need anything. Thats pretty sweet of her.

I got another nice email today from our foster care certifier.Shes ready to start the homestudy as soon as we turn in our huge long invasive application and questionaire packet. so maybe next week she will come out and interview us.

Steroids

I made it to urgent care today. Just couldnt manage to go to work, cause I cant breathe. my oxygen levels are ok but my asthma is waaay out of control flared up due to bronchitis. The doctor didnt think I have a bacterial infection, so no antibiotics but STEROIDS. wtf? I think I remember my brother having to get shots of the stuff when he would have life threatening asthma attacks as a small child. They gave me a six day course of pills. It made me think of the articles I have read about steroid treatment for women with elevated NK cell levels. Ive never been tested for this cause my docs think its a bunch of hooey. Do any of you know anything about the whole nk cell theory and why steroids might help? Im willing to practice most any sort of medical voodoo to try to carry a pregnancy to term. Although Im not going to pay for IVIG, I would do it as part of a controlled study. Sadly nobody is doing those in my neck of the woods, Dr. Mary Stephenson is doing it in Chicago, but I think right now shes focusing on IVIG for women who are having secondary rpl, or whatever they call the situation where a woman has had children, but is unable to carry again.

Here we are about six months before we got married, I was 28 and Brian was 25.



and a few recent ones

sick

I wanted to have a little whine. I am ill, came down with a sort of shallow cough a couple of weeks ago which has progressed into a hacking, productive cough, which has since devolved into a wheezy, hurting, gasping for air. I need to get myself back into the doctor. Im calling it bronchitis and hoping they wont think its bacterial and that I need antibiotics. I am on cycle day 11 and dont want to take any drugs. Im worried that this months TTC efforts will be fruitless because of the illness. I was sick before ovulation time last cycle too. It just feels like a waste of time and a waste of clomid and I am seriously too sick to be participating in procreation type activities. But the show must go on, cue the Marvin Gaye. We managed last year in searing 100 degree heat, 93 degrees indoors at midnight, and I did get pregnant that cycle although I didnt stay pregnant very long. Im sick of everything being so forced and planned. It was old two years ago, now it seems like a bad joke.

My HSG was awful and painful, but the tubes are clear and the old uterus seems to be in good shape. The radiolgist told me only 2% of women who do the procedure, complain of that sort of pain. Im not sure where he got that stat, but you know. Go figure.


I just noticed that my last post was written on what would have been the first birthday of my "june baby" had he or she made it. June 8th. Thats the one that I really thought was going to be my take home baby. sigh. If they make it 9 weeks, with a heart and little arms and everything, why cant they stick around? It makes no sense.

Foster parenting classes still humming along for the most part, had to skip the one this evening, and wont be able to take it until the first week of August, which pushes our "graduation" back a week or two.

Zoom

Once I eventually got a real department of human services worker on the phone, things started moving very quickly. On Saturday Brian and I sat through 3 hours of our introductory foster/ adoptive parenting session. Monday night, another 3 hours. We will be knocking out two classes a week for a the rest of the month, then we have to wait til mid July to take the last ones. From what I understand, the homestudy will start happening once we have finished half the classes. I think the hardest thing for me will be asking my shrink to write a letter stating that Im fit to foster/adopt. This is mostly a formality but its part of the medical history we need to submit. I told our certifier outright that I had been treated for anxiety this past year, directly after I spilled the beans about my miscarriages. She had asked me outright if Brian and I had attempted to have our own children. We have a HUGE packet of paperwork, forms and little psych evals that we have to fill out, which is giving me awful flashbacks of getting Brian through the US immigration process.

Speaking of flashbacks, has anyone else had odd visual disturbances on clomid? I almost always get them. My doctor says its not a big deal. I can only describe them as "tracers" and for those of you who didnt gobble up tons of psychedelic drugs during your mispent youth, I dont know what the sober equal to such a thing is. I am on cycle day 4, and will have HSG#2 Friday morning. I figured out a solution to the pain, I noticed I have some codeine in the cupboard. Ill probably end up having a codeine and clomid induced acid flashback when they fill my tubes up with dye.

I got a little baby blanket this evening. it was at a second hand shop but I plan to give it a good laundering. Its got Beatrix Potter animals on it, the same ones that Ive got framed pictures of. My friend Dina had a build it and they will come theory about baby rooms. It worked for Dina. Im having trouble figuring out how to prepare for children when I dont know how many or what ages they will be. Im guessing that this will end in a mad scramble for things the day before the children are placed. I suppose our caseworker will have some suggestions. Im thinking a cheap ikea crib or maybe a slightly more expensive one that converts to a toddler bed. Perhaps a single bed that would suit a toddler or school aged child. My Mom wants to throw me a foster child shower. I wasnt quite sure if this is approprite or tacky or what. Ive asked around a bit and most people say its a fine idea. My usual opinion of showers, weather for babies or weddings is that they tend to be vulgar displays of bad taste. I dont begrudge them to any of my friends though and to their credit, most have managed these things within the confines of not causing me want to vomit into my purse. My reason for perhaps making an exeption for a foster kid shower, is that we are really going to need so many supplies on such short notice. What do you think? Bad taste or good fun?

No alarms and no surprises

I am not pregnant. Today Im about 11 days past ovulation and spotting. Negative pregnancy test. I wonder if its normal for people with a usually short luteal phase to continue having a short LP, even when they ovulate properly on drugs. Hmmm. Not that it probably matters much, as I seem to be able to become pregnant despite the short lp, assuming I do take meds. At least I USED to. I have no idea why I havnt been pregnant the past 5 medicated cycles. Could be luck of the draw, but I wonder if something has happend in the past 9 months, its been that long since sperm met egg and I produced HCG, however briefly. I am now two years older than I was when I started fertility treatments. This is part of the reason I decided to have another HSG. We are reasonably sure I am ovulating on the clomid, we know Brian isnt shooting blanks, even if his post wash count was piss poor last cycle. I wonder what other factors there could possibly be ? I think Im starting to understand how people with unexplained infertility must feel. Heres to hoping that the hysterosalpingogram blows out some dust and we are back in the swing of things this next cycle.