I took an hpt today, at aprox 9 days past ovulation. I really should know better. The test was negative and now I feel like I want to puke. I actually cried. Ive been fooling myself to think I dont have a serious emotional attachment to these medicated cycles. I hate my body for being so sick this past month, and just not doing what its supposed to. Ever. If I wasnt STILL trying to get pregnant I would take a valium right about now.
My cousin who is 7 months pregnant wrote me an email today saying that she knows Im trying to become a foster parent. Who the hell told her that? My mother no doubt. I never told my mom not to tell, but the information seems so delicate to me. If this all falls through its just one more thing for people like my super fertile cousin whos been pregnant "every time she forgot to use birth control" to feel sorry for me about. I dont really want people to feel sorry for me. Contrary to how it might seem after reading my blog for a while, I dont really want everyone and their mother to know how fucking painful things have been for me, and what we are doing to try to become a family. Since everyone also seems to have strong opinions about foster care, having everyone know also puts me in a vulnerable position, I just dont care to explain myself to ANYONE. The first person who asks me if I want my "own" kids is going to get a big kick in the teeth. As is the next person who tells me that people always get pregnant after they adopt. Where to people GET that sort of bullshit? do you tell urban legends to people with chronic illness, in the hopes of lifting their spirits? why on earth do people pull that crap with infertile women? My coworker told me he saw it all the time when he worked in OB. I gave him a look and he shut it, but still. I did mention to him that it does not matter a single bit if I somehow magically get pregnant after I foster or adopt because I miscarry all my babies. Anyhow, these are the comments Ive been hoping to avoid. Now that my cousin has this new bit of information, it wont be long before the rest of my huge family does too. I cant stand to think of anyone discussing it, or opining in any way.
I want to move about 3 thousand miles away to be alone with Brian and try to make some peace with my broken body. I should know better than to work myself into these sort of states. It all starts with thinking I could be pregnant, still thinking almost every day about when it will be time to say enough is enough. I want lots of options but it gets overwhelming. all the possible things that could happen, everything that might not happen. its exhausting.
21 hours ago