Monday, June 28, 2010

I should know better

I took an hpt today, at aprox 9 days past ovulation. I really should know better. The test was negative and now I feel like I want to puke. I actually cried. Ive been fooling myself to think I dont have a serious emotional attachment to these medicated cycles. I hate my body for being so sick this past month, and just not doing what its supposed to. Ever. If I wasnt STILL trying to get pregnant I would take a valium right about now.

My cousin who is 7 months pregnant wrote me an email today saying that she knows Im trying to become a foster parent. Who the hell told her that? My mother no doubt. I never told my mom not to tell, but the information seems so delicate to me. If this all falls through its just one more thing for people like my super fertile cousin whos been pregnant "every time she forgot to use birth control" to feel sorry for me about. I dont really want people to feel sorry for me. Contrary to how it might seem after reading my blog for a while, I dont really want everyone and their mother to know how fucking painful things have been for me, and what we are doing to try to become a family. Since everyone also seems to have strong opinions about foster care, having everyone know also puts me in a vulnerable position, I just dont care to explain myself to ANYONE. The first person who asks me if I want my "own" kids is going to get a big kick in the teeth. As is the next person who tells me that people always get pregnant after they adopt. Where to people GET that sort of bullshit? do you tell urban legends to people with chronic illness, in the hopes of lifting their spirits? why on earth do people pull that crap with infertile women? My coworker told me he saw it all the time when he worked in OB. I gave him a look and he shut it, but still. I did mention to him that it does not matter a single bit if I somehow magically get pregnant after I foster or adopt because I miscarry all my babies. Anyhow, these are the comments Ive been hoping to avoid. Now that my cousin has this new bit of information, it wont be long before the rest of my huge family does too. I cant stand to think of anyone discussing it, or opining in any way.

I want to move about 3 thousand miles away to be alone with Brian and try to make some peace with my broken body. I should know better than to work myself into these sort of states. It all starts with thinking I could be pregnant, still thinking almost every day about when it will be time to say enough is enough. I want lots of options but it gets overwhelming. all the possible things that could happen, everything that might not happen. its exhausting.


  1. Oh I feel you, girl. It's why we quit medicated cycles. We did become so attached, and it was always such a let-down when they didn't work. And I HATE when lots of family and friends know my story. I guess there shouldn't be shame in what we've been through...but there is for me. Like you said, I feel "broken," not good enough and useless as a woman. The last thing I need is for my entire family to be thinking the same things. And, believe me, I've already gotten some pretty stupid comments about adoption, such as "I'll keep praying for you to have your OWN" and "Aren't you afraid the birthparents will come back and take the baby?" and "I would never do that open adoption thing!" Whatever, people are stupid. That's what I've decided. hang in there. If you can't do valium, do what I did after each bfn...gorge on McDonald's. Oh yeah, chicken nuggets, fries, pop and of course, a fudge sundae. It was my comfort food each cycle. Take care....

    P.S. Do you normally get bfps at 9dpo? That seems really early. Is it possible to hold out hope?

  2. faith, I usually get positives around 11 dpo, but I have a short luteal phase so my period is due any day. also, I hate getting those later positives cause they always mean low beta numbers for me. I know none of it is an exact science. thank you for your sincere understanding and support. I dont know what I would do without my blogging community. I wish nobody would ever say anything stupid to you either. Im so excited about your recent turn of events, fingers crossed. xx oh, yeah I already stuffed myself today. ugh. banana cream pie!

  3. Em, I am so sorry. I completely understand all these feeling you are having, and the reasons behind them, and the tears just want to well up all over again, for you and me both. It IS exhausting. All of it. Getting up in the morning, carrying on, examining and researching options, trying stuff, letting go of stuff, protecting your heart from stupid 'Aunt Janes', keeping the fragile uncontrollable emotional world as close as possible to an even keel - EXHAUSTING. If I could, I would send you some energy! Sending love instead. xx

  4. Em, I too am sorry. Your post is heartbreaking.

    I am still closeted about our struggle with IF because I know I couldn't bear the stupid comments people would make. Only 2 people know some of the story and neither of them are family. Even my mom doesn't know that my twins are not my first babies.

    I wanted to say I'm sorry you have to deal with any of this – the infertility, the miscarriages, the ignorance of others (including other infertiles) and the stupid, stupid questions and comments. I'm sorry your mom didn't exercise better judgement with news that is very personal. It should have been your story to tell.

    I think applying to be a foster parent is probably about one of the most loving things a person could do. Not everyone is capable of that kind of love. I hope the process goes smoothly.

    You are going to be a wonderful mom.

    - gingercat