My beta on Sunday was 705. Doubling time 43 hours. The OB says this is fine but to go in for more betas if I have more spotting or any pain. I had no spotting yesterday and just light staining on Sunday and Monday. Never enough to make it to my underwear.

They are treating this pregnancy like any other. That means I am not being offered any extra scans. They will probably consent to a few extra fetal heart tones checks in the first trimester if I want. These are done on their crappy portable machine in their office, rather than the fancy one in the radiology department.

I am supposed to start full time daycare for my friend's baby after the new year. The infant bio sibling of the 3 girls that we fostered for almost a year.  I had really been looking forward to it. I still feel up to it but I am afraid she will make other arrangements for the sake of continuity of care. I certainly would if I was in her shoes. I told the family about my pregnancy via email last night so they could carefully weigh their options. I am afraid to check her reply. She knows my risk of miscarriage is fairly high so that has to factor into the decision.

I have been running non stop since Friday night. The holiday parties and errands for our foster son. I was bone tired last night and looking forward to some rest but Titus decided to have a fussy night. I slept in 40 minute intervals and was awoken for good at 4:45. I know, it's a high class problem to have. I grumbled but treasured the hour of snuggle time he allowed me before he decided to play. Titus saw the pediatric urologist for his final post op checkup. He did spring a leak mid shaft. This is called a fistula and there was a 20% chance of it occurring. He will have a second surgery in February. He also has an undescended testicle. I suppose they will correct that within a couple of months of the fistula repair. Hypospadias and undescended testicles are on the same gene and often go together. If we get everything corrected Titus should have normal sexual function as an adult. The urologist really wants him to see the pediatric endocrinologist. Titus is still so very small. He is 13 months old and wears size 6 month trousers. 9 month if they are rolled up at the top. At last check he was 28 inches and just under 17 lbs. 2nd percentile for height but way off the chart  for weight. We will see his pediatrician on the 7th of January and speak about a referral.  Developmentally he is right on target. Not walking yet but has taken some unassisted steps. He talks! He says hello, don't, wha dat? truck, dadda, and do again. He self feeds and will eat just about anything. Cheese is his favorite food. He is also rather fond of pasta.

The plan is to take it easy the next few days. I can't really compare pregnancy symptoms this time to my pregnancy with Titus, because I did not find out last time until 6.5 weeks. I seem to remember just feeling tired up to that point. I did not start getting sick until 8 weeks. I will be relieved if and when nausea sets in. It kept me sane through the bleeding last time because I just knew I couldn't be that sick and have miscarried. I lost all symptoms 2 weeks before they discovered my missed miscarriage in 2008. 

Beta was 300. Doubling time about 48 hours.  I will have another one tomorrow which should be more telling. I got the blood draw and then went and ate lunch at the cafeteria where their wifi connection enabled me to get my own result online about a half hour later. Beats the hell out of waiting in a stuffy, windowless room for a clumsy advice nurse to come in and break the news to me. Which I did several times before. The hospital cafeteria actually has a very good salad bar and if you sit by the window you can look at their garden which has a large fountain.

I have family coming today for a Christmas thing then am giving a baby shower for my bff tomorrow. I am tired though and feeling emotionally vulnerable and wimpy. I would much prefer to cancel everything and crawl into bed for a couple of days.

spotting of course

What a fool I was to think I might be able to have a normal pregnancy with no early bleeding. 5 times bleeding has been bad news. 1 time it was just scary as hell for 15 weeks.

I suppose I have to call the nurse advice line and wait on the phone for an hour to see if I can get a second beta today.

hcg

My HCG beta blood draw results are in. 81 at aprox 12 - 13 days past ovulation.  I took a final home pregnancy test today and the line was much darker than yesterday when I had the blood work done. Leading me to believe that the hormone level is doubling up as it should. This is the first time that I have had normal betas at this point in a pregnancy.

I see the midwife the first week of January. Looks like they will alternate visits between the midwife and OB. Lets see if I can wait that long for a live baby check. I might freak out and need an ultrasound between 6 & 7 weeks. I do not wish to waste medical resources but on the other hand, with my history, I doubt they would deny me a quick peek.

It happened fast

I am pregnant. Very very early days. If you know me in real life not a word, not a word. We wouldn't tell until after I got out of the first trimester. That is still a big if with my history. 

Brian and I just have to hold on tight and hope for the best. It's hard not to work out a due date. Mid August I suppose. 

I already feel like shit. That has to be a good sign? I tested positive early. About 9 dpo yesterday. I always tested positive late and had low starting betas when I miscarried. Beta hell begins on Monday. My OB wants them. 

mid cycle

My 8.5 months of pregnancy and the last year seem to have gone by in a flash. Here we are again. Sex when you don't really want it. Hormonal fluctuations. Planning and peeing on things.  I think I ovulated yesterday, maybe it's today. Let the wait commence! No hot flashes or other clomephine side effects this cycle with the exception of a foul mood. My plan is to get Brian on board for an IUI w/ injects cycle this late spring, if need be. It's dreadfully expensive. I would switch RE's. Not that thrilled with the care that I got at Oregon reproductive medicine. Will check out Oregon health science university. the only other real choice for fertility clinics.  At first I had let Brian convince me that we would simply stop after a year of timed intercourse with clomid. Then I got to thinking about the amount of emotional stamina a full year of TTC would take.  

cd 3

Clomid.  I feel like I should have some idea of my expectations and how long we are willing to try. I have no idea. It all feels new again. The stakes are not as high.  I'm not going to lie and say that I already have one child, and it is fine if we don't have another. It wouldn't be fine, but at this point I know that the sibling has a decent chance of being an adopted one. I am attending a conference for people involved in child welfare tomorrow. Our foster/ adopt certifier will be there too and we plan to have lunch and discuss straight up adoption vs. foster to adopt. It will happen one way or the other. I don't expect either way will be easy.

We celebrated Titus' first birthday on the 4th. A big party at a rented venue with over 40 guests. It was fun. We wanted that big day for us as much as him. We certainly had something to celebrate.  I can't help but feel that all children who arrive after a long struggle are just a smidge more special. 

Not much to mention

There isn't much happening in the way of trying to conceive. I am down 5 lbs. 10 more to go. Slower than I had anticipated but I have yet to put a huge amount of effort into it. To be honest I have been feeling run down. Maybe is lingering PPD .  I don't feel all that social and I don't want to go anywhere. Except FAR away. I have a dream that I will one day move my family to the pacific coast of mexico. Not get off the grid, just slow waaaay down. The Portland metropolitan area has something like 2.5 million people but it does not feel like a big city. Maybe a big town, still the pace is faster and more hectic than I would prefer. I would love to be in the country. I feel sluggish and generally malcontent. I need to find more productive things to do. Just caring for Titus & 5 year old M often feels like a Herculean task. This sounds like a depressed person. Maybe I am.

The plan is to do a juice fast to kick start things and get rid of this slug/fog feeling.  Exercise is  the key. I have been looking for people to trade child care with so that I can get to the pool and gym.  I have felt like a tube of toothpaste all squeezed out. This is likely in no small part due to the fact that I over extend myself in the caregiving department. 8 foster children in 2 years time. A weird pregnancy and C section delivery. I need time to recharge. Particularly if I want to make a final attempt at producing life.     I can not afford weekly TCM at the moment but it probably wouldn't hurt to get back on the herbs and do what treatments I can.

As far as foster care goes it looks like little M will be moving in with his Dad on the 1st of November. Touch wood. I won't get into the entire story but the Dad has been a real pain in the ass lately. Harassing us on the phone and just not playing very nice. Everyone thinks he might be trying to self sabotage in the 11th hour. M is sweet and gentle. Lots of energy. He started full time kindergarten last week. I have been communicating everything I know to his special Ed teachers. He has an IEP and I am hopeful that he will begin to catch up. Still waiting for a referral for a complete developmental assessment. The hope is that we will have that well under way before he moves in with his father. Dad is 100% in denial about any delays or issues.

Titus is well and just lovely. Nearly walking. We are planning his 1st birthday bash. I almost just called it a blow out. Ha. That might happen too. I STILL can't believe that I have a child and he is nearing the end of his first year. 

OB

My newer OB says that the life time limit on clomid is obsolete. I may have as much as I need. She said that she would prefer that I speak with her fertility nurse before we move forward, but that is really only to discuss treatment options and costs. Our HMO only does some diagnostic stuff and clomid with IUI before sending you on to an RE (and then they pay nothing) so I already know what our options are, and I already have a diagnosis of sorts. That is if you think luteal phase defect is a genuine fertility problem. That is up for debate in the medical community. Whatever the cause, I do not seem to ovulate correctly without ovarian stimulation.

We won't be doing IUI. at least not right away. I am not at all sure that it does much to increase our chances on a medicated cycle as they do not do monitored IUI's. The only monitoring they do is mid luteal phase progesterone testing.

I am having flash backs to the summer of 2008 which is when we did the first medicated cycle.

I need to lose at least 15 lbs before I become pregnant again. This shouldn't be a problem. I lose weight fairly quickly when I apply myself and we all know that it is unlikely that I will become pregnant right away.

I am not sure I even have words to express how weird this feels. To contemplate another potentially risky pregnancy. I should have more to say about that in the next few months.  Some things I plan to discuss with my OB at our upcoming preconception appointment.

1. How likely is it that I will have another bleeding SCH? 
2. Am I a candidate for a Vbac?
3. Does having 1 live birth under my belt increase my chances of carrying to term with a future pregnancy?

Resurrection

I tried mama blogging. It's not for me. I don't have an awful lot to say about being Titus' mother. It is what I expected it to be minus something that I am having a really hard time putting to words. I feel a lost sense of entitlement to it. Biological motherhood has become surreal to me. A fluke. A bit like a potentially ground breaking laboratory accident that could never be reproduced.

I want another child.

I have another child, a foster son who is 5 years old. I had yet another child, a foster daughter that I picked up at the hospital on May 1st and who left just 5 days ago. For a couple of weeks I thought she might have been the solution to the how will we complete our family question.

I want another child and believe it or not, the old fashioned way might be the easiest way to accomplish it.  Brian and I do not have the luxury of waiting the customary 2 or 3 years to try again. My OB says now is best. Brian is disinclined to explore any advanced fertility treatments. Our donor embryos have been given back to the clinic in Nevada. Private adoption is not on the menu. Adoption through foster care remains a possibility but that route is so difficult. The state of Oregon has made it nearly impossible.  So short of a few more rounds of clomid or femara and traditional Chinese medicine, we are on our own. ART is still out of the question due to expense and my propensity to miscarry most any embryo.

We know that I can do it. We also know that my body is not that keen on being pregnant. Knowing that it was possible bolsters my confidence. A miscarriage at this point would be sad, but not unbearably so.

Here we go again! I have to lose some weight before we start trying. At least 15lbs. I can start my chinese herbs and accupuncture now. I wanted to use this space to journal this new venture. I will still post the occasional kid update on the other blog but will do my best to reserve this space for TTC topics.

I also wanted to try to stir up some more dialog for my friend Panama Hat who is busy writing a book about infertility. You should pay her a visit and leave a comment.

http://titussebastian.blogspot.com/

I have finally up and moved. I wanted a fancier blog but just havnt had the time / energy to put one together. So this is a rough draft. I might still get Brian on board for some guest posting.

Lord, I hate the term "mommy blog" but cant think of anything better. Thats what it will most likely be. I have felt a need to end things here. I am no longer broken hearted and infertile. My days of pregnancy loss might not yet be behind me but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. No longer getting pissed on by the dark cloud of post partum depression. Things are looking up. Now I have to figure out what the hell to do with the rest of my life. Including but not limited to being the best mother possible to this little creature that I wanted so badly for so long. 

Thank you friends, for your support. It has meant so much to me the past few years.

I am still here. Not yet set up elsewhere as far as blogging goes. Today we had our 6 month safety inspection for foster care. Our certifier just did a quick walk through. She saw a book about post partum depression and seemed slightly alarmed. I had to promise her that I am really doing a lot better. I really am. Not 100% though. Im not as functional as I would like to be. I am behind in correspondence. I dont check my phone messages quite as often as I should. Or open my mail before its been sitting around for a week or two. Mail and messages make me anxious. I have been much more social lately. On Sunday I had lunch with an old friend. This was Titus' first visit outside our home or a restaurant. Today I went to see my ex boyfriend and 6 day old baby. This is the man that I lived with for quite a few years in my early 20's. The guy that I was with during my first two botched pregnancies. He knew I struggled to get Titus. He didnt tell me that his wife was pregnant until just days before I gave birth. I think he didnt want to say anything until he was pretty sure that I was going to have a baby of my own. He was very upset both times I ended up pregnant way back then, and swore that he didnt want to be a parent and never would. He was only 28 then. He is now 42 and I understand that things change. I cant really explain why, but seeing him with his wife (I hadnt met her before) and new child did something to make me feel better about those pregnancies. It was healing. His wife is just beautiful and they seem so happy. I suppose it feels like things worked out for the best for everyone concerned. I took Titus' newborn sized clothing to them and they gave me fresh eggs from their chickens and some formula samples.


We have been put on the list to take emergency foster placements. For example, if they take a child into care in the middle of the night or on a weekend.  They do understand that we are leaving for England in April so the placement really couldn't be for more than a few weeks. More likely just a few days or a week. When we return we will be open for a longer term placement. Ive been doing some deep cleaning and getting the spare room around.  Preparing for another foster child feels like getting ready to go back to work. I consider this my work, and I look forward to it. Titus and I could use another little friend to keep us company. The certifier has suggested that I join the foster parent advisory group and get my name on the mentor list. I am not sure that I have much wisdom to impart but I felt flattered. I suppose I have some insight for those just starting out.

Still dealing with rats in the dirt basement. Exterminator coming out often. He thinks they are attracted to all the urban chickens in our neighborhood.They like chicken feed. Thank goodness no rodents in the house. We have some things stored down there, including all of my non maternity clothes. I wont go down there and Im afraid that the rats might have somehow gotten into the bins my clothes are stored in. Luckily I dont have much money invested in my wardrobe. In the meantime Im still wearing maternity dresses and tights! You cant really tell.

I saw the girls on Saturday. So sweet in their ballet outfits. I will be watching the eldest one during the day over spring break. The other two will be in daycare.

We are now planning a stop over in Amsterdam rather than Iceland. Easier to fly Portland to Amsterdam then directly to Norwich. This allows us to skip both Seattle and London, saving $$$ in the process. It was a very mild winter in the Pacific northwest. There are already some spring flowers in our garden. The hope is to greatly expand our vegetable garden this year and add a few fruit trees. I couldnt do much garden tending last year because of the pregnancy. Hoping to make up for it this year. Seeing as how we are stuck in this house forever (upside down in mortgage) I might as well make it pretty. Our house is small but our yard is a nice size for a city lot.

I had been stressing over money but that seems to have resolved. We are getting a fat tax return. More than we actually paid. Im not sure how that works, but I will take it this year. This will be the only time we will ever have 4 dependents to claim. Yeehaw!

Normalizing

Life is returning to normal. Titus is sort of sleeping through the night. As much as a 9lb 2 month old can. He goes down at 11:30  and sleeps until 5am quick feed and back to sleep until 8. So I am sleeping too. The anxiety is mostly gone. 

Lets see, since my last post I finally saw the OB for a post partum checkup. She said everything looks good. We discussed birth control, which just seems silly. She assured me that she has seen lots of less than fertile women become pregnant quickly after giving birth. I dont even want to think about that. Besides, to become pregnant you need to have sex. That has not taken place for 10 months or more. Hopefully that will normalize in the next month or two as well.

Titus had his 2 month appointment. He is itty bitty. Just 8 lbs 10 oz at 9 weeks. and 21 inches. This puts him below the 2nd percentile. He is taking 4oz of formula every 3 hours except during his longer night stretch. He wiggles a lot when he is awake. The boy must just have a very fast metabolism as he eats as much as some babies nearly twice his weight.

He grins and coos a lot now, and wants to be entertained. He has mobiles and chimes. He likes to look at mirrors and stuffed animals. I read, talk, and sing to him all day long. The weather has been miserable and Im looking forward to spring so we can get out a bit more. I would like to take him to the baby story hour at the library but I worry about virus germs this time of year. I wonder if his poor little immune system will be crap because I cant breastfeed.

Brian and I plan to have another foster child in our home when we return from England & Iceland this spring. This trip had been planned for November of 2011 but that obviously didnt work out. Brian's Nanna has paid for our tickets. The trip ought be booked pretty soon. Working on getting Titus his passports. British and US. International travel with a baby of 5 months should be interesting.

I have been spending time on the phone bonding with the foster girl's  adoptive mom. I think I figured out a way to get to see them whenever I like. I offered to trade next weekend. Titus for the girls for a few hours. She was thrilled. Brian and I will take the ladies to ballet and then we will all have lunch together at their house.

he found his fist